engagement dilemma.. HELP!

amanda_michele6987 · December 2011

ok so here is the rundown...(it may seem complicated)
my boyfriend and i have agreed on an October 2012 wedding, so we started planning behind closed doors, until i have the ring on my finger. (which i know is coming within the next few weeks)

the problem is ....his sister is getting married in april 2012, and his mother has asked him to wait until after his sisters wedding to officially propose. (so we dont steal the "spotlight")

if you'd ask me, i would say we are already engaged, just without the ring. (which is fine with me, because I am secure that I know it is coming) we would not be sending out STD's until after his sisters wedding, and we have also agreed we do not want an engagement party.

my boyfriend/fiance's stand on this matter is... we are doing this whether they want to enjoy the experience or not. and we both know it is nothing personal towards our relationship, its just the "limelight" which really does not exist anywheres.

it just really makes me sad, because my entire family is so excited, and only parts of his are. family is very important to me, and i feel like this is just starting off our family on the wrong foot.

has anyone else had to deal with matters like this, and how did you handle it?

Mrs.B6302007 · December 2011

You're engaged, congrats!

Your FMIL needs a reality check. THe world does not stop for someone's wedding.

AdeleDazeem · December 2011

You are engaged. Your future MIL needs her head examined.

I'd get the ring, tell the family and let her realize that there is no spotlight to steal and that, why yes, family can share good things all at the same time.

adamar15 · December 2011

That's ridiculous that your MIL wants him to wait until after his sister's wedding.

achiduck · December 2011

Your FMIL is being really rude by asking your FI to wait (yup, you're engaged - yay!).

My Dad and brother both got engaged within 4 days of each otehr and married withint 2.5 months. FI and I got engaged about a week and a half before my brothers wedding. No one complained and the "spotlight" was still very much on my brother and SIL at their wedding.

mari0225 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:027e021e-969d-4097-bf36-1c2681ece2b5Post:896b182d-219e-4d72-94db-e06e80e36496">Re: engagement dilemma.. HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]You are engaged. Your future MIL needs her head examined. I'd get the ring, tell the family and let her realize that there is no spotlight to steal and that, why yes, family can share good things all at the same time.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

This! Oh and congratulations! This is supposed to be a happy time for everyone, families share good news all the time, they don't make appointments to share good news and have celebrations.

Megbo2012 · December 2011

Yes, you are already engaged, even without the ring. Congratulations to you both! And you are already planning a wedding with a date in mind.

Your FMIL is not only being ridiculous, she is asking the impossible. Wait to propose until after his sister is married? That's the worst thing I've ever heard. Have FI tell FMIL that he proposed awhile back, and an October 2012 wedding is in the works.

redheadfsu · December 2011

Congrats!

You are engaged, just without a ring (Which is completely ok). If you two want to tell people now you can.

As long as you don't announce the engagement during the sister's wedding shower, Bach party, or on the day of the wedding you are fine. Personally I wouldn't announce the week of her wedding either, but it isn't wrong to do that either.

Pjb1211 · December 2011

If he wanted to pop the question at her wedding or her rehearsal dinner that could be considered stealing the spotlight. All other days are fair game!

My FH and I just went ring shopping with my FBIL to propose to his gf. I was so excited for them! I even suggested that I throw her the bouquet with the ring tied in it so he could propose then in front of all of their family and friends! I don't think he wants to, but the point is it's all so exciting! Who cares whose limelight it is! Yay for weddings and engagements!

Whenever it happens I'm sure your whole families (both) will be excited! Don't wait until after their wedding or people will just end up complaining that there isn't enough time to plan. You'll also put yourself in a very stressful position.

Congratulations!

amanda_michele6987 · December 2011

thank you sooooo much for making me feel more comfortable about this. it is great to hear what an outsider's insight is. i feel the exact same way, and so does he.. a reality check is sure in order!

rardito · December 2011

FI's youngest sister just announced her engagement a couple of days ago. FI and my wedding is in April.

It is not "stealing" anything from us. I am excited for her.

mbody · December 2011

Your FMIL is crazy to ask you and your FI to wait. She really has no say so in this matter. It's whatever you and your FI want to do. Plus April is 4 months away. Does she actually think that you guys would be stealing her daughter's thunder? Koo-koo!

Megbo2012 · December 2011

I'm also curious how long she would request you to wait after SIL's wedding. Are you expected to give a 4 month buffer?

misstomrstodr · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:027e021e-969d-4097-bf36-1c2681ece2b5Post:907239cd-254f-461d-b1e9-b59274246b60">Re: engagement dilemma.. HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, you are already engaged, even without the ring. Congratulations to you both! And you are already planning a wedding with a date in mind. Your FMIL is not only being ridiculous, she is asking the impossible. Wait to propose until after his sister is married? That's the worst thing I've ever heard. <strong>Have FI tell FMIL that he proposed awhile back, and an October 2012 wedding is in the works</strong>.
Posted by Megbo2012[/QUOTE] this..... plus, you are so entitled to an engagement party too - this has nothing to do with the wedding! My parents' 30th anniversary is 5 days before my wedding, my sister's 21st birthday is 2 days after my wedding, my FFIL's 60th birthday is a month before.... if none of these things have to stop because I'm getting married, then why should another engagement, you know? I'm talking a small party, but if they aren't paying for it, what are her gripes?

Elinetrouwt · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:027e021e-969d-4097-bf36-1c2681ece2b5Post:0511bcdb-5bcb-4b52-b8fd-64b9414acb5a">Re: engagement dilemma.. HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Your FMIL is on crack. Unless you are tacky enough to get engaged at her reception (which would technically be after her wedding) you aren't going to steal FSIL's spotlight.
Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

<div>I like this idea and think that this is what you should tell your FMIL. 'Ok, you want us to wait? How about during the reception?'</div>

chelseamb11 · December 2011

My FMIL was the same way. FSIL got engaged in April and started to plan a Sept 2011 wedding. FI proposed to me in May. FMIL asked us to not "make a big deal otu of it" until after FSIL's wedding. She even hinted that she wanted me to not wear my ring to FSIL's wedding, but tahnkfully realized that probably wasn't a smart thing to ask. She still asked that we not post things to FB or anything like that until after the wedding (including our statuses). We ignored her ridiculous requests and she finally realized what a twat she was being and laid off it.

This is a joyous occasion for you. You shouldn't have to keep it underwraps for 4 months just to make your FMIL happy.

PetalPockets2012 · December 2011

Congratulations on your engagement.

I know it's not siblings but my cousin and I were engaged within 3 weeks of each other. FI's cousin was engaged shortly before us and is getting married in June while we are in October. We are also having the same FGs. It's no big deal.

This is all coming from his crazy mother. What does FSIL say? Does she care at all or is it just mom?

amanda_michele6987 · December 2011

this is exactly what we have decided to do. he is going to his parents house today to explain what we are doing and what we have in plans. we discussed it all last night, we most defintely cosider ourselves engaged already. as for the ring, he still wants that to be a surprise and exciting. so we are only waiting to tell all of our friends and facebook until after we have a ring. and then we cna also say we have it planned already also. we booked the church on sunday when we attended mass. and we chose our venue yesterday. there really is not turning back or waiting. and she will just have to get over it!

jsleik · December 2011

If you guys announce your engagement in the next few weeks, your engagement is going to be super old news by April. So unless you plan on waiving your left hand in everyone's face for the next 5 months, I'd say you're probably pretty good!

My husband picked up my ring right before my BIL's sister's wedding (complicated, I know, but his family is now family to all of us). My husband held off until that wedding was done to ask me, even though he'd already asked my dad. I think when you're talking about close timing like that, yes, it is nice to wait. But Geez Louise!! You need to plan and get ready and it is sooooooooooooooooooo long between now and April!!

Just out of curiosity, does your FSIL know about this? I'd bet she'd just be happy for you since she is also in the throes of wedding bliss!

lenergyrlah · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:027e021e-969d-4097-bf36-1c2681ece2b5Post:c28a996d-67c2-48b6-9501-3eeb735cc793">Re: engagement dilemma.. HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]As long as you don't announce the engagement during the sister's wedding shower, Bach party, or on the day of the wedding you are fine. Personally I wouldn't announce the week of her wedding either, but it isn't wrong to do that either.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

<div>This. He should tell MIL he won't pull out the ring during her first dance so there's no worry about stealing the spotlight :)</div><div>
</div><div>But seriously, he needs to tell her that you two are both adults and will not put your life on hold because of his sister. What's next, her telling you not to get pregnant until the sister has had her first child? Not to start looking for a house until she's finished paying her mortgage? And God forbid that your children attend a better college than her children...</div>

amanda_michele6987 · December 2011

EXACTLY!! when he first spoke to his sister, she was more than happy for us. and even said i had been "more of a sister to her than her real sister". then after his mother started throwing a tantrum, she texted my FI at 1 am! to say she thought about it from many differnet angels and would like him to wait until after her wedding. (which my suspicion is that his mother put some crazy ideas in her head)

i brought up the same point to my Fi about the having children issue and all the other issues.

and then i also found out some other news in the meantime, ( i dont mean to bash or belittle their wedding whatsoever, or go tit for tat) but my FI informed me that his sister forced her FI to propose but "holding out" until he did. after they had been dating for 8 years!!!! so which one of us are getting married for the right reason.

my FI and I had recently bought a house, we have very secure, well paying jobs, and we are in the perfect position to begin our lives as a married couple. as for the FSIL, she is working a part time job trying to support herself and FI who is unemployed. they were trying to move into our house to "save money" and we said NO! (of course after thinking about the options). soooooo.. i think we can all come to our own conclusions about this...

BMcLeodTeam · December 2011

She is being extreamely rude with what she's saying! You aren't 'stealing anyone's limelight' and you certainly should not have to hold off on your life for someone else. My wedding isn't until Sept, and my brother is now bringing up the wedding talk... if he were to propose to his gf I would be more than happy!

lenergyrlah · December 2011

You didn't decide when the sister got engaged. She doesn't get to decide when you get engaged. I really hope your FI sticks to his guns on this one.

I think it is possible to "steal the limelight" and it would be gracious to make a conscious effort to avoid it. This means not sabatoging conversations about her centerpieces, not comparing your ring to hers (if she is making disparaging remarks about yours, you can say hers is lovely but yours is more your style), etc. You have every right to talk about your wedding, but since she seems to think it is a competition, it would be nice to avoid talking about your wedding in her presence until after hers is over. And also, try not to "steal" any of her ideas for your wedding. A lot of brides seem to get offended when a sibling/cousin copies their wedding.

rebarobert2012 · December 2011

If you are already planning the wedding, then you are engaged, whether or not you have a ring.

amanda_michele6987 · December 2011

the great things about this is we have 2 completely different styles. her wedding will be more intimate with a smaller wedding party and guest count. they are not being married in a church , so it makes things a little untradiational. whereas our wedding will be in a church, and i'm italian, so there is no intimate wedding.. its go big or go home...im pretty sure none of our ideas will be in the least bit similar. i really do plan on sending STD's with out engagement photos, when we have them done.

I totally agree and so does my fiance. Our lives are not on hold because of someone else's life. I really hope this will all be resolved and we can "laugh about this" many years down the road..

CFM102012 · December 2011

My sister got engaged three weeks after me. She was nervous about starting to plan a May 2012 wedding when she knew I was going for Oct 2012. I told her not to worry about it since there's nearly six months between. She'll have her day, I'll have mine. The only difference will be that I'll be her Maid of Honor and she'll be my Matron of Honor. This was all before I'd found TK and the E board.

Your FMIL needs a reality check. FSIL gets one day and since she'll be the bride the only thing you could do to steal any thunder is to announce your engagement during her pre wedding parties and/or the wedding itself. I'm sure you and your FI have the sense not to do so.

Congrats on the engagement btw!

lenergyrlah · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:027e021e-969d-4097-bf36-1c2681ece2b5Post:4cf8d474-a791-45a8-b328-2f32d96e28a8">Re: engagement dilemma.. HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]then after his mother started throwing a tantrum, she texted my FI at 1 am! to say she thought about it from many differnet angels and would like him to wait until after her wedding.
Posted by amanda_michele6987[/QUOTE]

<div>This is what made me think that the sister didn't want her to get engaged until after the wedding. The MIL is also obviously having a major problem. Of course OP has every right to plan whatever wedding she wants but I thought the sister might be happier if OP didn't copy her ideas (original or not). I agree that the sister definitely needs a reality check!</div>

lenergyrlah · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:027e021e-969d-4097-bf36-1c2681ece2b5Post:ff54c27f-6c6a-4ace-8b17-693c5f286f5f">Re: engagement dilemma.. HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]the great things about this is we have 2 completely different styles. her wedding will be more intimate with a smaller wedding party and guest count. they are not being married in a church , so it makes things a little untradiational. whereas our wedding will be in a church, and i'm italian, so there is no intimate wedding.. its go big or go home...im pretty sure none of our ideas will be in the least bit similar. i really do plan on sending STD's with out engagement photos, when we have them done. I totally agree and so does my fiance. Our lives are not on hold because of someone else's life. I really hope this will all be resolved and we can "laugh about this" many years down the road..
Posted by amanda_michele6987[/QUOTE]

<div>It sounds like you made your decision. I hope that FI doesn't get scared off by his mom! And good luck with everything :)</div>

PinkRoseAcct · December 2011

Congrats on your engagement! I too was engaged w/o a ring - FI wanted to wait until we were on vacation, but we started planning a month earlier. NBD.

My view is that your FMIL is worried that someone will take the focus away from her daughter, who she seems to have a higher esteem for than her son. Just announce your engagement, as there is no good reason to hide it, and let her realize that she is foolish. I hope she doesn't continue to be like that!

mollyehren · December 2011

Your MIL is nuts. I gpt engaged the last week of July my brother got engaged 7 weeks later. Our weddings are also 6 weeks apart next summer. My parents are thrilled and I don't feel the least slighted. My wedding and my brothers are going to be VERY different. By the way if you don't set MIL straight she might continue to walk all over you in the future, AND you wouldn't send a STD card when the wedding is 6 months or less away from the actual marriage

nfl722 · December 2011

As long as you don't get "engaged" at her wedding- I think that would be rude. Otherwise, you can't let other people tell you how to do you engagement- all other days are fair game. Tell your FMIL to get with reality

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