OOT Shower Invites

uderin02 · May 2011

My mom was surprised that I wasn't including her 2 friends from FL (I live in DE) on my shower invitation list. She feels that they will feel slighted if they find out they werent' invited. I explained that since it is highly unlikely they will be able to come that I figured it seemed gift grabby so I didn't include them (they are invited to the wedding). She thinks they would want to send me a gift. Fortunately my mom hasn't been pushy or overbearing at all during the planning process and has left all decisions up to me....

Should I invite since she seems to think they would want to be "included" even though the likely won't come or should I keep them off the list?

TIA

edited to say from FL not my FL

cmp1986 · May 2011

I say just invite them. If they don't come, no big deal. But if they do want to come and you don't invite them, then it will leave a bad taste in their mouths. This way if they wanna come they get invite. Or if they don't wanna come/ can't make it then they just won't show up. At least this way they know you were thinking of them. It will cover all bases if you just invite them. HTH!!!

lyndausvi · May 2011

Some people are weird when it comes to things like showers. I'm one who would be relieved not to get an OOT shower invite. Most of the time I'm like why am I'm even invited (especially for distant cousins or something)?

That said, I have a OOT aunt who is always invited to such events as she always attends such events.

In this case I might take your mom's lead on the issue, but if you do not want to that is fine also. (i'm a lot of help right?)

jessicabessica · May 2011

I agree with cmp. If your mom knows them well and thinks they'd prefer to be included, even though they likely won't come, I would add them to the list (if you would actually want them to come, that is).

uderin02 · May 2011

Thank you for your help. I guess I'll just add them to the list...one may not be able to make it to the wedding due to a prior obligation her husband has, so maybe she would come up. Thanks again!

Mrs.B6302007 · May 2011

I never appreciate receiving OOT shower invites because it does seem gift grabby since the hostess should know that I wouldn't plan on traveling far (a couple hours fine but not 12 one way for a cousin's FI whom I had never met - yep, had it happen). I don't get the avoid hurt feelings thought because honestly, (most) adults don't sit around waiting for shower invites. Life is busy - who has time for that? If I don't even know about it, I'm none the wiser so leave me off the list and I'll send a wedding gift if I can afford it.

StacyJenniges · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_oot-shower-invites?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc98677d-5354-423d-be1a-c32fa5646756Post:e59d6a9f-cdfc-4b09-8157-67397ca8bc04">Re: OOT Shower Invites</a>:
[QUOTE]I never appreciate receiving OOT shower invites because it does seem gift grabby since the hostess should know that I wouldn't plan on traveling far (a couple hours fine but not 12 one way for a cousin's FI whom I had never met - yep, had it happen). I don't get the avoid hurt feelings thought because honestly, (most) adults don't sit around waiting for shower invites. Life is busy - who has time for that? If I don't even know about it, I'm none the wiser so leave me off the list and I'll send a wedding gift if I can afford it.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.

jessicabessica · May 2011

I don't really mind shower invites when it's unlikely I'll attend--not any judgment on the PPs that don't appreciate them, just my two cents to give a different perspective. I was invited to a shower for one of FI's cousins that I had never met (although I've met her aunts that were hosting it), and they knew I was not going to attend because it was across the country. I thought it was nice of them to think of me and try to err on the side of being inclusive, although my feelings would not have been hurt had I not received the invite. There's not an expectation of a gift if you don't attend a shower, so if I don't feel close to the person, I don't send anything (although in reality I usually send a little something, so I could see how it could be taken as gift grabby). I also don't have a problem declining an invitation I don't want to accept, even if I'm not busy and it's not a lot of travel, so if I don't want to go, I don't feel obligated by an invitation.

tenofcups4me · May 2011

Since your mother obviously knows them better than any of us and she presumably knows what's done in her crowd, I'd go with what she says is appropriate and invite them.

badkittyct · May 2011

Why are you planning your own shower?

My FMIL invited OOT people simply because not inviting them in their family is considered really rude and even though we are 99% sure they would be unable to make it, they would have hurt feelings for not being asked. If these people won't think you are just digging for a gift and in your circle of family/friends this is expected, then let whomever is in charge of the shower pick whether or not to invite them. Your only role in the shower is to show up, not to plan it beyond giving the hostess a list of people (and that is if they ask).

tenofcups4me · May 2011

She didn't say she's planning her own shower. She's putting together an invitation list, which is perfectly normal.

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