Exception to "no kids" rule

linnyv27 · March 2013

For many different reasons, FI and I decided not to invite children to our wedding. We're making sure to be polite about it with invitations (not including "adults only" or anything of the sort, only addressing it to parents, putting names/number of seats, etc.)

The only exceptions we are making are for my little brother and OOT families. In total that makes 5 children and they all happen to be 12 years old. Perfect!

Well I work as a nanny and the more I think about it, the more I want to invite the children I take care of. I am inviting my boss & her husband, and would love the three children to attend (ages 5, 8, and 10). But I already know some family friends will talk and question why they were invited and their children were not..

What would you do? Would you risk the potential drama? I would like to think people would understand that I am close to these children but don't want anyone to feel offended either.

Simply Fated · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_exception-to-no-kids-rule-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c83b5297-7b2d-49b5-aa87-b0103d230f80Post:bfcee893-cf99-4309-9b9d-06caadf1a256">Exception to "no kids" rule</a>:
[QUOTE]For many different reasons, FI and I decided not to invite children to our wedding. We're making sure to be polite about it with invitations (not including "adults only" or anything of the sort, only addressing it to parents, putting names/number of seats, etc.) The only exceptions we are making are for my little brother and OOT families. In total that makes 5 children and they all happen to be 12 years old. Perfect! Well I work as a nanny and the more I think about it, the more I want to invite the children I take care of. I am inviting my boss & her husband, and would love the three children to attend (ages 5, 8, and 10). But I already know some family friends will talk and question why they were invited and their children were not.. What would you do? Would you risk the potential drama? I would like to think people would understand that I am close to these children but don't want anyone to feel offended either.
Posted by linnyv27[/QUOTE]

What would I do? I'm just not a big fan of mixing business and pleasure and probably wouldn't invite the parents, let alone the kids. I nannied for awhile and grew super close to the family, but I always drew the line at private functions. Even at the kids' birthday parties I was there to work.

Some people might not know that you're closer to some kids you work for rather than their kids. They might not understand it, either. Not everyone understands how close you get to kids you work for, ya know?

In the end, it's up to you. I personally wouldn't do it, but that's just me and probably not everyone.

Summer2011Bride · March 2013

I think it's fine if you are really close to them. But then again I tend to think of inviting children the same as inviting adults. I didn't invite adults I wasn't close to, so why would I invite children I am not close to? I know in some families this would cause drama, so you have to decide if it would cause a bunch of problems and if you want to deal with that. I personally think it's fine to only invite the kids you want there.

Anastasia517 · March 2013

My mother ran a day care for years and some the families that she took care of feel more like my family than some of my biological family members, so it is a no brainer to me that I am going to invite them . If you have a very close relationship with the kids you take care of, I can see how it would be weird not to invite them simply because they live in the same town.

Are there a lot of other children who are not on the guest list? If so, this actually doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me. If there were only 2 or 3 children that this would exclude, it would seem like more of an insult than if you are saving yourself 40 seats by cutting kids from the guest list (for the most part). The former way seems like an insult to one or two people's parenting skills, while the latter seems like a budget-based decision.

linnyv27 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_exception-to-no-kids-rule-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c83b5297-7b2d-49b5-aa87-b0103d230f80Post:4c2fc41a-1148-4da1-80f5-44c78b7ba5fd">Re: Exception to "no kids" rule</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Exception to "no kids" rule : What would I do? I'm just not a big fan of mixing business and pleasure and probably wouldn't invite the parents, let alone the kids. I nannied for awhile and grew super close to the family, but I always drew the line at private functions. Even at the kids' birthday parties I was there to work. Some people might not know that you're closer to some kids you work for rather than their kids. They might not understand it, either. Not everyone understands how close you get to kids you work for, ya know? In the end, it's up to you. I personally wouldn't do it, but that's just me and probably not everyone.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

I've worked for the family almost 6 years now (took care of the little one since birth) and they have pretty much welcomed me like family, so I can't imagine not inviting the parents as they are very excited for me and always ask how planning is going.

But I understand where your advice is coming from. Plus guests might even question the other 5 children because it's not like we are going around telling everyone about the few exceptions, so they might get offended either way.

linnyv27 · March 2013

Thanks for your thoughts Summer and Anastasia. I like thinking of it like adults too - only inviting those I am close to.

Anastasia - Hearing that you will be inviting those families is covincing me more to invite them. I definitely feel closer to them over some of my own relatives as well. Overall it's about 12 children that we will be excluding (we are having 100 guests) and I think that's a number that comes off as a more budget-based decision?

STARMOON44 · March 2013

I think its fine to invite only some kids, just like only some adults. But don't tell people you have a no kids rule with exceptions. If they ask if their kids are invited, you can just say no- no explanation needed. I'd be annoyed if I was told "no kids" and then there were 12 of them.

bryemar · March 2013

How bout incorporating the kids to the wedding? a couple ring bearers, a couple of ushers, a couple of flower girls.

I see that you posted total kids among your guests will only be 12 kids and if you wanted to invite 8 of them, only 5 kids left. I know that kids menu is ridiculously price here in the bay area. Heck, who am I kidding! Everything is overpriced here

. But calculating children's menu at $25/child + beverage package of $15/person + 30% service fees is $260 more to add 5 more kids. I understand that the $260 can goes up easily

. But, it can also goes down. I know that some parents do not want to take their kids to wedding as they think it's a bit of a hassle. Also, out of the 100 guests that you will send invitations to, no all of them will come (unless you know this for sure). My point is you might be able to invite all of the kids and parents and don't have to feel bad for not inviting the other kids. Now if there is a total of 25 kids among your guests, then that will be costly and different scenario.

I am having an adult only wedding myself and the only kids in the wedding are our niece and nephews...total of 3 (2 ring bearers and a flower girl).

winelover123 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_exception-to-no-kids-rule-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c83b5297-7b2d-49b5-aa87-b0103d230f80Post:2b41d5de-c1ad-4709-8d0a-5bc7036d70e5">Re: Exception to "no kids" rule</a>:
[QUOTE]I fully support people who want to have no kids weddings but I don't think it's right to invite some kids and not others. It's not the same as choosing the adults you like or don't because<strong> it's a family unit and you are excluding some parts of the family unit and not other parts. It's like saying you would invite only half of a married couple because you are closer to the wife than the husband.</strong>
Posted by scribe95[/QUOTE]

It's not the same thing though. First, family units are not invited as a whole everywhere and she's not talking about splitting up families (inviting mom, dad and little johnnie but not little susie) so that analogy doesn't really work since she's not even splitting up a family unit.

I think since you're excluding 12 kids, it makes it more of a budget choice. I know with my venue it is $25 for some chicken nuggets! $25 x 12 = a lot of money for chicken nuggets.

arrippa · March 2013

My fi and I wanted a child free wedding as well, but most of my OOT guests have children and I doubt that they would feel comfortable leaving them wth a baby sitter they don't know BUT we are not inviting any children of local guests. I am not unfamiliar with being a nanny. I think if you are truly close to the family and view them as more than just charges, then go ahead and invite them.

linnyv27 · March 2013

In Response to Re:Exception to :[QUOTE]How bout incorporating the kids to the wedding? a couple ring bearers, a couple of ushers, a couple of flower girls.nbsp;I see that you posted total kids among your guests will only be 12 kids and if you wanted to invite 8 of them, only 5 kids left. I know that kids menu is ridiculously price here in the bay area. Heck, who am I kidding! Everything is overpriced here :D. But calculating children's menu at 25/child beverage package of 15/person 30 service fees is 260 more to add 5 more kids. I understand that the 260 can goes up easily :. But, it can also goes down. I know that some parents do not want to take their kids to wedding as they think it's a bit of a hassle. Also, out of the 100 guests that you will send invitations to, no all of them will come unless you know this for sure. nbsp;My point is you might be able to invite all of the kids and parents and don't have to feel bad for not inviting the other kids. Now if there is a total of 25 kids among your guests, then that will be costly and different scenario.nbsp;I am having an adult only wedding myself and the only kids in the wedding are our niece and nephews...total of 3 2 ring bearers and a flower girl.nbsp; Posted by bryemar[/QUOTE] Oh it's 12 children total that we will not be inviting. Including kids that we will invite (8) it's 20 children total. I wish it were only 5 more kids - then I could just invite them all. 12 more quickly adds up when you include another table or two, plus centerpieces and plate settings. :/

Anastasia517 · March 2013

The more I think about it, the more I feel that this falls in line with the usual "invite in circles" advice that is given. You are inviting immediate family children, out of town children, and the children you take care of only. Presumably, other kids don't fall into these categories and are friends' kids, the kids of a co-worker, or cousin's kids. If people can't understand why you would be closer to the kids you spend all day with than their kids, they aren't very bright.

You're right when you mentioned costs adding up. Adding 12 kids can easily be $500 when you account for additional chair covers, centerpieces, favours, and chairs (if being rented) on top of the cost of their meals and beverages.

Anastasia517 · March 2013

The more I think about it, the more I feel that this falls in line with the usual "invite in circles" advice that is given. You are inviting immediate family children, out of town children, and the children you take care of only. Presumably, other kids don't fall into these categories and are friends' kids, the kids of a co-worker, or cousin's kids. If people can't understand why you would be closer to the kids you spend all day with than their kids, they aren't very bright.

You're right when you mentioned costs adding up. Adding 12 kids can easily be $500 when you account for additional chair covers, centerpieces, favours, and chairs (if being rented) on top of the cost of their meals and beverages.

linnyv27 · March 2013

I agree with Stage about how crazy it sounds not inviting these children that I see everyday just because other kids I hardly know are not invited. These other children could care less about me and probably don't even know my name, hopefully parents understand that.

Anastasia - Inviting in circles definitely applies here! Thankfully it worked out that all OOT kids and my brother are older kids. And no splitting up families.

You ladies are making me feel a lot more at ease about inviting these 3 children. It seems rational why I would invite them and if people can't understand why I am inviting them and not their children, they have some problems. I'll be adding them to the guest list!

bryemar · March 2013

Since it's a total of 20 kids, I agree it will be making a dent to your budget. That will be more than $300.

At this point, I think it is totally up to you. I think it will be easier for guests to understand why there are children in the wedding if they are part of the wedding party itself. Just remember that you can't please everyone.

Here are some suggestions from a website on how to incorporate children in the wedding ceremony. Plus, I think it will be fun for the children to get included

Roles for older children:

Junior Bridesmaid/Groomsman, Reader, usher, distributing programs.

Roles for younger children:

Flower girl, ring bearer(s), bouquet holder (I've never heard of this before. But, sure. Why not).

I saw this suggestion at another site: put ring bearer(s) and flower girl(s) in a wagon have bigger kid pull them. That will be cute

. Unless you are having an indoor wedding. 4 older kids will be pulling the wagon, 2 younger kids inside ringing bells, a flower girl, and a ring bearer. Unless all of them are boys.

And this one too: "security guard" give them a little badge and they can put gifts on table at reception. Personally, I am not sure about this idea. Kinda "meh" to me.

Good luck! Hopefully that helps.

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