For the rehearsal dinner, we have some head-butting going on and I am hoping for some advice...
I would like the rehearsal dinner to be very intimate-- just our bridal party, which is already 10 people large, plus their significant others, our parents, and the pastor and his wife. That brings up the count to 28 people. My FI and I are planning to make a few speeches thanking our parents and BP for all they done and presenting them with thank you gifts, so I wanted to keep it to just those people. On top of that, I usually get pretty stressed out with larger parties, especially if I'm supposed to be the center of attention, and usually end up trying so hard to be cheerful and schmoozy that I end up giving myself a tension headache and eventually throwing up, things I do not want to do the night before our wedding. In addition, we are having a very formal, traditional ceremony and reception the next evening and so I was hoping the rehearsal dinner could be very casual (backyard BBQ type thing) where we can spend some quality, relaxed time with those we love most and then have an early night so that we aren't exhausted the next day.
My FMIL, however, really wants to have this huge sit-down dinner and invite all of our out-of-town guests (which is a hugenumber, especially since we are having all the festivities in my parents' hometown, which is about a two-hour drive from FI's relatives... Of our 200 person guest list, including out-of-towners would mean inviting close to 110 people to the rehearsal dinner). She is especially making a huge deal about inviting her sister, who is her only close relative, but who is also married to a HUGE tool of a 2nd husband (he's a perv and a pompous windbag who won't shut up or let anyone else speak while he's telling his racist, derogatory slur-infested stories). She's very passive-aggressive about the whole thing so, even though I have shared with her the reasons I'd like a more intimate affair, she acts like I'm exluding her sister and others from the whole darn wedding! Even if she doesn't invite all out-of-town guests, that still leaves room for a whole lot of snowball effect (if FI's aunt and uncle are invited, I have four aunts and uncles in-town that we would have to invite, plus he has another aunt and cousin not involved in the BP but who should also be invited if we are opening it up to parents' siblings). FMIL really wants to have this huge affair that I fear will turn into a late-night party that will leave us all exhausted for the big day. I keep saying that we are having the big, formal, 200 person party the next day so I'd like to keep things low-key for the rehearsal, but I think that she feels she has something to prove with the rehearsal dinner since my parents are paying for the big, formal affair the following night (she is very into appearances and etiquite and formality).
My FI doesn't care either way but the poor man is stuck between the two of us (and, of course, doesn't think like a woman, so he told his mom that I wanted a smaller affair and didn't want to invite her sister, which makes me look like a bitchy bridezilla of a FDIL).
I don't really know what to do... We were thinking of perhaps inviting parents of the bridal party, which would include her sister, but would also include people with whom neither of us are close and would bring the head count up to nearly 40 people (which is a pretty big number, IMO). To complicate it, his parents are paying for this dinner so technically they can invite whomever they want. But, don't we have a say in who is invited to our rehearsal dinner or what kind of rehearsal dinner we have? Or should I just grin and bear it so I come out looking like the gracious new DIL, though it may mean a tension headache and me feeling miserable all night and ragged on the big day? Thoughts? Advice?