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Out of Control MOB

tayca9174tayca9174
Ninth Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
in Moms and Maids
My mom is out of control and I need some help reigning her in. We will be getting married about an hour from my family. My mom is insisting on inviting her aunts and uncles (whom I barely know) to my wedding in July, as well as her coworkers (who I don't know). My parents are only going to be giving us $5,000 but they would like us to have the wedding of "their" dreams...yes they said their dreams!  There is NO way we can afford such an extravagant wedding, that they would like, on our own. I'm the oldest in my family and they keep telling me that this wedding is "their" wedding too. I can't help but feel hurt. It's my fiance and I getting married and we would like people invited that we know...NOT strangers or people that I haven't seen in 20 years! Any suggestions on how to talk to my mother about "our" wedding and not having all the guests she would like? She has already invited her coworkes and aunts and uncles. Any suggestions on how to correct this "problem?"
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Re: Out of Control MOB

  • ootmother2ootmother2 member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    Her friends & co workers have not officially been invited as they have not received an invitation from the host(s)  Heaven knows how much of the details they know.

    If they want to pay for an extravaganza, tell them to give you the cash and a guest list. Then you can hire a wedding planner and let her do all the work

    If not, stand your ground.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_out-of-control-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d776a116-55c1-4014-96ed-cd2fccdb191aPost:0b48d890-6512-42c0-a8a7-30fd8024a4ac">Re: Out of Control MOB</a>:
    [QUOTE]Elope.  Run off and have a fabulous destination wedding. Or turn down their money, and tell them why you are turning it down.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    Exactly!
                       
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  • SB1512SB1512 member
    500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    I agree that money comes with strings, but if $5,000 is not enough to pay for all the guests mom wants there, or an extravagent wedding, that should not be on the bride and groom to foot the rest of the bill for those peope they don't really know or things they don't want.  Figure out exactly how many guests $5K will cover.  If it covers 20 people for example, that's how many people your parents can invite that wouldn't be on your guests list to begin with.  Explain to your mom that the money she is generoulsy giving you will cover the amount of X number of guests (that you don't already plan on inviting), or these types of flowers/centerpieces, etc.  If her and your father want more people (that you don't know) or fancier things (that you don't want) then they need to contribute more money.  Anything you are paying for you have control over.  So if $5K is all they are giving you, let them decide how they want to spend that money and the rest is up to you.  when the money they provide runs out, so does their ability to make demans or decisions.  Or as others said, elope, because it sounds like this might turn into a super stressful planning time and event.
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  • mandi195mandi195
    500 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its
    I'm sorry, I'm still in shock over the "they're ONLY giving us $5K"... really? I would fall over if my parents gave me $5K! My FI and I will be planning, and paying for, our wedding by ourselves, and our entire budget is around $5K.
    As you know, $$$ comes with strings, so you will have to give some to your parents since they are being so generous. However, do not allow them to push you to go over your budget. Good luck!
    Praying for a miracle!
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    500 Comments
    Refuse the money. If $5k is enough to pay for their guests, then they have every right to insist that's how their money is spent. If you don't want that, don't take their money.
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  • theelusive1theelusive1
    100 Comments
    I think you need to tell them the real cost of wedding stuff.  and the per plate cost of THEIR DREAM WEDDING.   I am sure they have no idea. 
    I know my wedding was way less than my daughter will cost. 
    Maybe they think the 5 grand covers the whole wedding. 
    I would say if I accept your money it will rent the hall and the table decorations.  

    We are paying for daughters wedding but we are NOT telling them to do anything. If daughter asks me to figure something out or help her I say here are the options I found. She will say what do you think and I always follow it with this is not my wedding.  So they know they are not getting any opinion from me.  Nor are they getting a guest list.  I handed her the address book and told her to figure it out and make a list. 
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  • tayca9174tayca9174
    Ninth Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_out-of-control-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d776a116-55c1-4014-96ed-cd2fccdb191aPost:c3b29d7e-5b81-4939-92ae-6df3e6349709">Re: Out of Control MOB</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry, I'm still in shock over the "they're ONLY giving us $5K"... really? I would fall over if my parents gave me $5K! My FI and I will be planning, and paying for, our wedding by ourselves, and our entire budget is around $5K. As you know, $$$ comes with strings, so you will have to give some to your parents since they are being so generous. However, do not allow them to push you to go over your budget. Good luck!
    Posted by mandi195[/QUOTE]

    My fiance and I wanted to just elope and get married somewhere nice and special for us. I'm 28 and he's 32. I'm going to med school and I'm in debt up to my ears and my fiance is supporting the bills until I graduate. There is no way I can get a job while in school because the school won't allow it. My parents know fianances are tight and yet they STILL want a fancy wedding. I told them that they need to help contribute then, 

    My parents have never supported me with bills or school. I was told to join the military if I wanted to go to college. I've done two tours in Iraq to earn money for school. On the other hand....my parents realized they made a mistake not helping me with school. Instead of kicking the kids out of the nest like they did with me... they are letting my younger sister and brother who are over 21 years old freeload off of them. They both live with my parents rent free AND their significant others live with my parents now too. My parents pay all of their bills and they recently bought my brother a race car and have stuck $45,000 into his racing.

    My parents do not help me financially whatsoever and have NEVER supported me since I graduated from high school. The wedding of my and my fiances dreams was shot down by my family because they want the opportunity to "show off." Unfortunately, they have spent so much money on my brothers racing that they can only contribute 5K to my wedding. My fiance and I have not asked for money. Until I got requests for a sit down dinner, fancy photographer, and having the wedding at a resort that will cost 5K to rent....not including food or anything. Now that my mom would like family members and her coworkers that I don't know invited to MY wedding....I think she needs to pay more for the wedding of her and my fathers dream. Or I need to find a way to sit down and talk to her and my father about the lines they are crossing.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    500 Comments
    If your family wants a party, they can pay. Otherwise, tell them that wahat you can afford is just to elope and take them to a nice dinner when you get back. Seriously, I'm sorry that they support your brother financially more than you, but you are an adult and you have the ability to say no. You did two tours in Iraq - you are obviously a very courageous and strong woman. So just tell your parents that they either pay for the wedding they want or you get to plan and pay for the wedding you want. You have no obligation to buy their wedding dreams.
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  • jaydainsliejaydainslie member
    First Comment
    My mother tried to 'suggest' but it felt more like forcing plans on my fianc and I. Now we're doing everything we want and we'll tell them once it's all booked, just to avoid the hassle all together. Good luck! I agree with the rest of the girls, decline the money and have the wedding you want. It's the one time in your life were it should be all about you and your fianc. Not your family and there wants.
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