small wedding than a bigger one

lakinross · July 2011

me and my bf are not engaged yet but i love looking into wedding things and he wants to get married today if i wanted to. but anyways we are thinking of having a small intimate wedding dec 31 and i have never even wanted a small wedding but him being apart of the military has made that a problem. he is not being sent on orders but he is an e4 and their incomes cant support a big wedding like i want and a child. so at our small wedding we are having about 30 people invited and we are still planning a bigger wedding a year from the small one but how do i tell my other family and friends im getting married but there will be a bigger one later and also how do i separate my two themes or colors? how do i one up my first wedding and such? i need some help.

Sammy0709 · July 2011

I've heard of a JOP then religious ceremony or vow renewal. Major reason being that is what I did. Honestly I think something like this would be a hassle (to plan 2 separate ceremonies without one being a simple JOP). Granted, a JOP can be elaborate but mine lacked any intensive planning. I think involving even a small number of guests requires some work and is not something I would want to do twice. Also the dependent pay your BF would receive is not intended to pay for a wedding, it is to support said child and yourself. It's not really enough to pay for a wedding anyway if that is your intent. Getting married for money is not a legitate reason to get married earlier either. TBH I wouldn't even start thinking about this till I was engaged.

lakinross · July 2011

i guess i never thought about it being a hassle. and i never realized how a small wedding can be costly as well. no we have tried to plan a wedding for over a year now but he did get called on orders during the time so we had to put it off then i got pregnant so it made it even harder. he is stationed 12 hours away so thats the most to rush to be getting married. not money. i could care less about the money. he just makes the point he cant support our son and get a huge wedding which i understand. it's not that i'm not engaged but there is just no ring yet. thanks.

Beachy730 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_small-wedding-bigger-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:93127291-1ef1-4eff-bd98-dd7234b56696Post:63ce3934-53aa-4a2a-8cdc-49709ed2cbdc">Re: small wedding than a bigger one</a>:
[QUOTE]i guess i never thought about it being a hassle. and i never realized how a small wedding can be costly as well. no we have tried to plan a wedding for over a year now but he did get called on orders during the time so we had to put it off then i got pregnant so it made it even harder. he is stationed 12 hours away so thats the most to rush to be getting married. not money. i could care less about the money. he just makes the point he cant support our son and get a huge wedding which i understand. it's not that i'm not engaged but there is just no ring yet. thanks.
Posted by lakinross[/QUOTE]

If you can't afford a big wedding now on his salary, how do you honestly think you'll be able to afford it within a year, while now having a baby to take care of and provide for? Even if he makes E5 on the next cycle, he wouldn't see an increase in pay for at least 6 months. And honestly if money is going to be tight with a baby I think its incredibly selfish to spend money on a pretty pretty princess day when you're already married. If it were me I would plan a moderate wedding the first time around that you could easily and comfortably afford. If in 5 years you are in a better financial situation then I would have a nice 5 year anniversary and vow renewal party.

lakinross · July 2011

i appreciate the response but i dont know anything about him getting more money later on and how much so the only part i do know is, yes his increase in pay will happen later but i feel so ambushed about people thinking its about the money bc its not! he just has told me if i wanted a bigger wedding with my friends and more family i would have to wait. i am only wanting a bigger wedding of like 150 people on a budget. i know someone who invited 400 people to her wedding and had 200 show up and did it under $1000. it was her 2 second wedding but trust me i am not wanting a 7000 dollar wedding or anything even close to that. sorry if that was a confusion. like i said before we are rushing into it be he is stationed 12 hours away and we hate being apart and even more so for our son. i hope i made things a bit more clear so i wont feel ambushed anymore. sorry again for any confusion

firsttimersluck · July 2011

I guess I don't understand why you wouldn't just wait since it's only a year. It's not like you're wanted to wait 5 years for a vow renewal. I understand talking wedding stuff but not being engaged yet. Most couples do that. But I would wait on the planning until you are engaged and can sit down to talk finances. A 30 person wedding can still be expensive.

If you're determined to have a small wedding and a large vow renewal a year later, I will answer (in my opinion) the rest of your questions.
1. Talk finances. You need to know how much you can spend on this small one.
2. Talk finances more. You need to consider a savings plan to have enough money for a year later so that you may have the bigger get-together that you want.
3. Your first wedding is YOUR WEDDING. not a first, and the vow renewal isn't a "second" wedding, unless it's with a different guy. Why would you want to "on up" your actual wedding day? I think if you're planning to keep this one small and intimate, and the VR big and elaborate, then this will naturally happen. Not something you need to worry about.
4. Coordinate color/themes if you want to and love what you picked, or don't. It's your call. I don't understand why this is a question honestly.. You have had two different types of birthday parties right? Same thing here.

Keep in mind that weddings, large or small, take a LOT of work and planning, so if you're thinking of doing a JOP and then just going out to dinner with 30 people and not having anything elaborate, that's a piece of cake and requires very little planning. If you're still wanting an actual ceremony/reception NOT in the courthouse and with a seated dinner, etc. that will cost in time and money.

I honestly would re-think this.. I think if you're going to do it this way, you'll end up spending a lot of extra money...

LetsHikeToday · July 2011

I agree with PP. Just because it's a 30 person wedding doesn't mean it won't cost a lot. On top of that, you want a bigger wedding later. That would also be a huge expense. If I were you, I'd just have a 30 person wedding. Everyone comes across a budget at the beginning of the planning process. Everyone has tried to figure out how to make it work. If you guys can only afford 30 people then do just that. We could have invited way more people than we did but we knew our budget only fit a specific amount of people. If you need suggestions on making your budget work, I'm sure a lot of people on here would help you! Good luck!

Beachy730 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_small-wedding-bigger-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:93127291-1ef1-4eff-bd98-dd7234b56696Post:a0426f5d-0b65-41a7-8f29-d37ba2cf879e">Re: small wedding than a bigger one</a>:
[QUOTE]i appreciate the response but i dont know anything about him getting more money later on and how much so the only part i do know is, yes his increase in pay will happen later but i feel so ambushed about people thinking its about the money bc its not! he just has told me if i wanted a bigger wedding with my friends and more family i would have to wait. i am only wanting a bigger wedding of like 150 people on a budget. i know someone who invited 400 people to her wedding and had 200 show up and did it under $1000. it was her 2 second wedding but trust me i am not wanting a 7000 dollar wedding or anything even close to that. sorry if that was a confusion. <strong>like i said before we are rushing into it be he is stationed 12 hours away and we hate being apart and even more so for our son. i hope i made things a bit more clear so i wont feel ambushed anymore. sorry again for any confusion </strong>
Posted by lakinross[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>To first address the bolded, if you honestly feel that you are being ambushed because 2 different people responded to a point that seemed pretty obviious in your posts, then internet message boards are probably not the place for you. Second, if you are fully admitting that you are rushing into it, then maybe you should rethink this. What does being married have to do with not living 12 hours away? The military isn't going to move you to him, or station him closer to you, so your moving expense would be out of pocket, which could also be done without being married first. And your son will be covered under your boyfriend's Tricare without you being married, you just wouldn't be.</div><div>
</div><div>Can I ask how old you are? And how long you've been with your boyfriend? Not that I think you are going to change your mind based on our advice, but I think it will make the situation clearer.</div><div>
</div><div>Now on to the bigger issue, maybe you're not marrying him for money, but money is definitely the root of the situation you're in. You want to get married now, but can't afford a bigger wedding at this time. But you think that within a year from now, and adding a baby to the equation, you will have the money to throw this bigger party. It's your choice and you're going to do what you want no matter what we say, but have you and your boyfriend talked about the financial aspect of this? DO you have a plan to save money between now and then, while still providing for your baby? Many couples have this idea, then realize how much more expensive a baby is than they though, or how little time they have, and their big party gets delayed, and then 10 years from now they are crying how they never got their pretty princess day. My advice is to plan the wedding that you can afford now that is a balance of the two. </div><div>
</div><div>As FTL said, a 30 person wedding could still be expensive and a stressful thing to plan. Planning two of these events, especially on a budget, is not something i would want to do. What are your plans for the 30 person wedding? Are you doing a meal after? You could easily plan the wedding you want with the bigger group of people on a budget by doing things like a cake and punch reception, or just a picnic in the park after with hot dogs and hamburgers. </div><div>
</div><div>Like I said, you'll do what you want, but this just doesn't seem to be a well thought out plan, and I have a strong feeling that a year from now the bigger party will still be out of the question. Maybe you could completely prove me wrong, and maybe you could sit down with your boyfriend and plan out a financial plan and budget to pay for this wedding. But I just don't understand how someone who can't afford a wedding and a baby now can honestly expect to be able to within a year from now, after the baby comes. I'm not trying to burst your wedding bubble, but I think you need to be realistic on this and definitely need to have a well thought out and followed financial plan to make it work.

</div>

greeneke2 · July 2011

How did your friend plan a wedding for 200 people for only $1000, because I want to know what she did.

SamiJoeB · July 2011

this is a terrible idea. It's a waste of money, and it's pointless. Like Beach said, you'll do what you want, but if it were me, I would focus on caring for my child, and not a PPD. I would buy things like diapers and not worry about a big white dress.. But hey! That's just me.. Sensible Sami.

iluvmytxrgr · July 2011

I agree with the other ladies. Plan the wedding you can afford now and forget the vow renewal later. If you can't afford a wedding for 150 people now, you won't be able to afford it in a year. Even if your guy is promoted to E-5 by then, the pay increase isn't that great. You have a kid to raise, a PPD should be the last thing on your mind.
You can have a great wedding on a budget. We had a wedding with 30 guests. It cost us $500. I wore a dress from White House Black Market that cost $80. We were married in front of the fire place in my mom's living room.
Like one of the ladies said, the military isn't going to pay for you to move 12 hours closer to your guy. If you want to move to him, you have to pay for that your self. I'm betting he still lives in the brick, too. That means you need to set up a home. If you can't get a house on base, you have a hell of a lot of deposits to pay up front for utilities and an apartment or house. That's a lot of money out of pocket. Those are many more reasons to skip the big wedding and just plan something simple.

lakinross · July 2011

the cheap huge wedding story, tips if ya need them lol

she married the pastor so she had free access to the church, music, tables, and those things. her friend did her hair, she did pay for the table clothes but they were white sheets with brown sheets down the middle, she made the center pieces, her dress was very cheap but pretty, she did pay for cake, and the photographer but both were local and cheap but still great quality. she made the invitations mocking a similar style she was going to buy but they discontinued it before she could order them. (very time consuming but beautiful) flowers were only for the bouquets still got them cheap. there was no food it was just a cake reception. very small ceremony but huge guest list. it was one of the best wedding i have been to. bridesmaid (her daughters) dresses did end up costing more than intended bc of ordering online but davids bridal is always close by :] no groomsmen. not a tux but a suit. the grooms uncle married them but they still paid him. rehearsal dinner was catered but still cheap but from a local market so it was very good. they planned it in about 6 months. and also made seating arraignments just to a table so it was a very tasteful wedding but done cheap. im not sure if it was really under 1000 dollars but it wasnt much higher if it was over that price.

music4life90 · July 2011

What you are doing is exactly what im doing. we are going to have a small wedding because he is in the military and hes very busy getting ready for deployment. its so easy to tell the parents and friends cause they should understand why you are doing that. there is no need to stress about telling them, if they love you they will understand! My fiance is stationed 5 hours from me and is only able to come see me every couple of weeks. so i know how you feel. neither of us want to wait because of the distance.

so i think if you want a small intimate wedding then go for it! cause since you do have a child its going to be hard on money for you and you dont need to be stressing on big wedding things cause youve got other things to worry about!

Beachy730 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_small-wedding-bigger-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:93127291-1ef1-4eff-bd98-dd7234b56696Post:2b010d36-972b-4a95-ac94-b95da25e1996">Re: small wedding than a bigger one</a>:
[QUOTE]What you are doing is exactly what im doing. we are going to have a small wedding because he is in the military and hes very busy getting ready for deployment. its so easy to tell the parents and friends cause they should understand why you are doing that. there is no need to stress about telling them, if they love you they will understand! <strong>My fiance is stationed 5 hours from me and is only able to come see me every couple of weeks. so i know how you feel. neither of us want to wait because of the distance. </strong>so i think if you want a small intimate wedding then go for it! cause since you do have a child its going to be hard on money for you and you dont need to be stressing on big wedding things cause youve got other things to worry about!
Posted by music4life90[/QUOTE]

<div>So does being married make you miss him less? I don't understand how getting married has any impact on the distance, since like I already said the military doesn't pay you to move to him when you get married. Also, if the distance is that hard, how do you plan on handling deployments?</div>

kara811 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_small-wedding-bigger-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:93127291-1ef1-4eff-bd98-dd7234b56696Post:c0bea853-3951-4d85-abe4-4833b0c87468">Re: small wedding than a bigger one</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: small wedding than a bigger one : So does being married make you miss him less? I don't understand how getting married has any impact on the distance, since like I already said the military doesn't pay you to move to him when you get married. Also, if the distance is that hard, how do you plan on handling deployments?
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

<div>This exactly. I haven't posted on this particular thread because the girls have said everything I would. I just can't understand people who make distance the reason why they rush into a marriage. This is the military, you will be separated from each other at some point in time! And like Beach said, what do you suppose you will do when your SOs deploy? That will be long long months with them gone. </div><div>
</div><div>Music4life: I know it sucks being away, but you need to be tougher than that and grow a backbone. You actually have it easy than most people, he's only 5 hours away and you get to see him all the time. There are some of us on here with our H's stationed in another continent and who we only get to see every so often, but we didn't make distance a reason to jump on the gun and get married. </div>

USMCBride90 · July 2011

I agree wholeheartedly with Kara in respone to Music4Life. Some of us would kill to have a 5 hour drive being the only thing keeping us from our guy. I know I would take 5 hours vs 33 hours any day. However, after being long distance for 2 1/2 years, my fiance and I are not getting married just because the distance sucks. We're waiting until after he returns from deployment and when we can afford a nice, simple wedding. No need to rush something if it's going to happen in the future. Frankly, if we were to get married now, we'd be living paycheck to paycheck. I don't know about anybody else, but I really don't want to go back to my first year of college and live off ramen noodles and easy mac. And we will not be getting married for the financial benefits. Not saying this is what you would be doing either, just throwing that out there. I know the distance sucks, but being that your fiance is in the military, it's something you have to accept. Because there will be many more times even AFTER you're married and living together that he may be away for long periods of time. I guess you could say it kinda comes with the territory. Don't base your decision on getting married on the fact that you hate being away from each other. Get married because it's the right time in your lives. To each their own though. That's just my two cents. Hope you ladies have a great day

LuluP82 · July 2011

When I read stuff about the distance, it makes me think that they can't move closer because they don't have the savings or a job, and they can only move if they're married because then the BAH and dependent pay would mean that their guys could afford for them to stay home and not work. That's the only thing I can think of.

Before we were married, my H was training 5 hours away. I had a job in our old city, so I stayed and saw him once in the 4 months he was gone. Before his second leg of training, I got laid off. So, I moved down with him (since I was unemployed and the new city was cheaper anyway) and got an apartment near-ish base. We used to live together before he joined (it's his 2nd career, and we're much older than you'd think based on how far my H is in his military career), so he did share some expenses with me to help me keep my apartment. Seriously, you wouldn't get married to your boyfriend if he was a civilian and you were moving to be with him. You'd figure it out (you'd move and get a job near him, or you'd stay long distance until you were in a position to do that).

I'm not saying you shouldn't get married or you aren't ready, but if you can't take care of yourself for a few months while you plan a wedding, either far away from your fiance or by moving to where he is, then you have bigger issues and shouldn't be getting married in the first place.

SamiJoeB · July 2011

I'm sorry, but getting married because of "distance" is just ignorant. Kara's H, and My H, GG's FI(I'm sorry if there are others.. I just can't think of you ladies off the top of my head!!), are all currently in Japan. 5 hours "distance" is a cake walk. I would kill to be in the same time zone as my H, let alone the same country/state.

I ditto Lulu.. The first thing that comes to my mind is that you want the military to pay for you to move, and you want your H to work his ass off to pay for you to sit around and eat bonbons all day. I apoligize if this is not the case, but like I said, that's the first thing that comes to my mind everytime I read this post, or the million and three variations of this I've read... It's old.

OP, if your BF can't afford the huge wedding that you "want" while supporting your child, then why would you want to put that strain on him? I feel terrible when my cell phone bill is over $100 (which, with him being in Japan, it almost always is) and he pays it. I could never let him pay for a huge wedding, knowing he couldn't afford it...

small wedding than a bigger one

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