How to invite kids under 12

Jacky225 · February 2011

Hi! Okay so my FI family will be traveling from a few different states outside of NJ. I really do not want any kids there (including kids from my own family!!). It is a very expensive and formal evening wedding and I just find that kids take away from that. In addition, I want all the adults to have fun! I am even requesting my one and only niece to leave the reception after she walks in (she is my flower girl!). And my sister does not even want her there either. lol. However since my FI family is not from around here, my MIL thinks it will be easier if they brought their kids- either they can't afford to get a babysister or they do not have inlaws close by. So I was thinking of sending save the dates and the invitations addressed to the adults, and then having separate conversations with them to say if they want, they can bring the kids. I kind of what to not definitely invite them, but make my MIL happy to give them the option. Thoughts? I feel mean but I really just don't want the kids there (including my own family!!)

mbcdefg · February 2011

It's your right not to have kids at your wedding. It'd not rude to make it an adults-only event.

If your MIL is not paying for your wedding then she has no say in who gets invited, so you and your FI (ideally him moreso than you) need to stand up to her and tell her NO. If she is paying for some/all of your wedding, then you either need to reach a compromise, or suck it up and do what she says, or give her back her money and pay for things yourselves.

I think things are going to get WAY out of hand if you send out Save the Dates/Invites with a, "Bring the kids if you feel like it" note. You're going to piss people off if you told one side of the family that it's adults-only, and if you tell the other side that kids are welcome. Plus, how on earth are you going to plan our your budget and your seating capacity if you have no idea who's going to be added onto the invitation?

If you really don't want kids there, but if you want to accommodate your out-of-town relatives with children, then hire a sitter or two to stay in the OOT hotel or in a side room at the reception hall with the kids (snacks, a movie, games, etc.). Some parents might not feel comfortable with that, but some might like it. But I would definitely not put that power in your guests' hands, otherwise things are going to get very confusing, VERY fast.

We didn't invite kids to our wedding (and two somehow showed up anyway). Most people were happy to get a sitter and have an adults' night out. A small handful of people declined, but never said that it was because of the kids. I have two cousins with small kids who live across the country, and they both came while their spouses stayed home with the kids. I felt bad about it, but inviting kids would've added about 20 more seats that we didn't have the space or the money to accommodate. Reasonable people will either get a sitter or they'll just stay home without any hard feelings. If they hold a grudge over this, then they're nuts.

Make a decision, kids or no kids, and stick to your guns.

cutiepie12702 · February 2011

When it comes to family - it's all or nothing. Either you allow your families to bring kids or you don't. People will get really mad and offended if you tell them no kids and they show up and see other family members children there. It's one thing to not allow certain friends to bring their kids depending on your relationship with them, but family - it just won't be pretty.

I'm also having a formal wedding and there will be some children there (mostly just our flower girls though, we have 4 of them) - family only though. Both my parents and FI's parents are contributing to the wedding, so we can't tell them who they can or cannot invite.

Smidger · February 2011

OMG I am currently dealing with the exact same situation. FI's family is traveling from all over for our wedding and MIL isn't happy that we aren't inviting children to the reception. Things recently took a turn for the worse when we found out that she's been talking to relatives about the wedding and when the topic of children has come up she doesn't have the heart to tell them the kids can't come. So now FI and I are going to look like the bad guys when we send out the invitations in a few weeks. We are being very careful on how we address the invitations, and we are filling in the response cards with the amount of people they can attend the wedding with. We are doing this because some of FI's cousins are in high school and are being invited to the wedding with their parents. I've also told my FI that he is to explicitly explain to his mother that we aren't having kids and it's not up for negotiation. I also have all this info. stated on my website for everyone to see.

My suggestion is that you and FI need to stick to your decision no matter what and don't waiver in any way. You also need to explain to your MIL that if she isn't paying for the reception, then she doesn't have the right to make that request. Also, bring up the fact that you are more than happy to provide childcare for any guests who need to bring their children.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this too! Good luck with everything! I hope it works out!!!

goaliegirl · February 2011

My opinion is that if you have people with children traveling across the country or from OOT to attend your wedding, I think you can let them bring their children. We did this and explained to the local people that we had a few people coming from OOT and we could not ask them to leave their children at home while they travel for our wedding. In addition, we didn't feel right asking them to leave their children with a strange babysitter that they and their children did not know. Every one of our local families understood this when we personally explained the situation. And quite honestly, if they were mad, I didn't care, I could not ask my OOT guests who were paying a lot to travel here for our wedding to do that, so IMO you can make exceptions.

In addition, if you make the decision that no children will be there and your parents/ILs think differently, then YOU should be the one to call and discuss this with your guests. Yes, you are the "bad guy" as a PP said. If you are making the decision, then you need to deal with the people, especially if your parents/ILs don't agree with you.

Jacky225 · February 2011

Wow I am glad other people are having the same feelings. My in-laws are not paying for anything (although I am sure will give us a generous gift) except rehearsal dinner. So I agree, they really have no say. However we decided to have a Friday wedding because we could not meet the minimums anywhere on a Sat night (at least at the gorgeous places/look we were going for). So I feel terrible already about having a Friday instead of Sat for his fam. So now saying they can't bring kids makes me feel even worse BUT I DONT WANT THEM! I find it ruins the dynamic. And if we were inviting his fam kids then I would invite my fam kids too, although I think they would all not bring them. We thought about having a sitter at the hotel. And I am totally fine with paying for that. And that will work for his mother's side's kids. But his Dad's side has 2 kids that do not really know anyone and would probably feel very uncomfortable. Ugh its so hard. I mean the wedding is over a year away but I am panicking about it!!

goaliegirl · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_invite-kids-under-12?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:5ca4156e-01a7-4ea8-86cc-7a2d2e225c80Post:7c444de4-d0e8-485d-af98-b4a1f237854f">Re: How to invite kids under 12</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow I am glad other people are having the same feelings. My in-laws are not paying for anything (although I am sure will give us a generous gift) except rehearsal dinner. So I agree, they really have no say. However we decided to have a Friday wedding because we could not meet the minimums anywhere on a Sat night (at least at the gorgeous places/look we were going for). So I feel terrible already about having a Friday instead of Sat for his fam. So now saying they can't bring kids makes me feel even worse BUT I DONT WANT THEM! I find it ruins the dynamic. And if we were inviting his fam kids then I would invite my fam kids too, although I think they would all not bring them. We thought about having a sitter at the hotel. And I am totally fine with paying for that. And that will work for his mother's side's kids. But his Dad's side has 2 kids that do not really know anyone and would probably feel very uncomfortable. Ugh its so hard. I mean the wedding is over a year away but I am panicking about it!!
Posted by Jacky225[/QUOTE]

As someone who is currently pregnant and about to have a baby....I would never leave my child with a stranger that I have never met so I could attend a wedding, especially if I was OOT at a wedding. Either I would find a babysitter on my own or I wouldn't attend. Especially someone from OOT...I would never leave my child with a stranger in a hotel while I go to a wedding, even if it was somebody that the bride/groom hired. So, if you decide to go this route, be prepared for some of your OOT guests to not come at all.

If that is the decision you make, you shouldn't feel bad, it is your decision. But mentally prepare yourself that some people may decline coming to your wedding if they can't make alternate plans.

Lastly, we had about 12 kids under the age of 10 at our wedding, and honestly, you didn't even know they were there they were all great, so it doesn't ALWAYS ruin the dynamic of the wedding by having them there.

Jacky225 · February 2011

Well we would hire his sister's best friend that has spent many holidays with them, so 5 of the 7 kids know the girl. So I do not feel bad about leaving them with her and I am sure they would not mind either (but would of course get their clearance before going ahead with it). I have been to a few weddings or other formal parties where kids get rowdy and quite frankly, bored, at an adult event. I am not having any entertainment for them i.e. DJ handing out sunlgasses and those glow in the dark necklaces, etc. So what are they going to do all night?

I really hope his close family does not decline. I've made it known to my MIL that is NOT the reason I am choosing this. Instead I am trying to make the best of both worlds by paying for their babysitter so they can bring them and know they are close by and so I can have my dream wedding.

goaliegirl · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_invite-kids-under-12?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:5ca4156e-01a7-4ea8-86cc-7a2d2e225c80Post:a6a07eb5-1fc5-4934-989c-6524f252eab9">Re: How to invite kids under 12</a>:
[QUOTE]Well we would hire his sister's best friend that has spent many holidays with them, so 5 of the 7 kids know the girl. So I do not feel bad about leaving them with her and I am sure they would not mind either (but would of course get their clearance before going ahead with it). I have been to a few weddings or other formal parties where kids get rowdy and quite frankly, bored, at an adult event. I am not having any entertainment for them i.e. DJ handing out sunlgasses and those glow in the dark necklaces, etc. So what are they going to do all night? I really hope his close family does not decline. I've made it known to my MIL that is NOT the reason I am choosing this. Instead I am trying to make the best of both worlds by paying for their babysitter so they can bring them and know they are close by and so I can have my dream wedding.
Posted by Jacky225[/QUOTE]

And you are entitled to make the decision to not have them there and offer to pay for the babysitter, but my advice is to prepare yourself that some people may not come as a result. There are people that are very particular about who their child gets left with. Yes they know her, but has she ever babysat 7 kids at one time? That makes a big difference...I don't know how old this person is, but babysitting 7 kids for an extended period of time is not an easy task!

As for what they will do all night, the kids at our wedding danced if they came to the wedding, and I had a separate table with different kids activities...I printed up some wedding coloring books, and had other non-messy arts and crafts type things in a basket for them to do. The kids loved it and spent a bit of time hanging out there.

As I said, it is up to you...there is nothing wrong with saying no kids...it is a personal decision. But I think it is wise to prepare yourself that some people may just not come as a result.

Smidger · February 2011

I agree that you have to be o.k. with the fact that people may not come if they can't bring their children; I personally am o.k. with that. We had a lot of guest list problems and it came down to the fact having children wasn't affordable or conducive to our venue. We are also fine with the decision because FI's mother is the only one being difficult about it. I'm not having any children from my family, including my 3 flower girl cousins who are leaving after they walk in at the reception. And FI's father was fine with the decision (his parents are divorced). I personally have no problem being the "bad guy" if that is what it comes down to. The bottom line for me is I don't want children present. Our reception goes till midnight and I don't care how great kids are, by midnight they are cranky, tired, and unhappy.

In your case Jacky, you are giving all your guests that this effects ample time to find alternate arrangements for their child/children. Since your wedding is over a year away chances are people can figure something out. In the end you have to do what will make you and your FI happy on your special day.

Jacky225 · February 2011

GoalieGirl- good luck with your pregnancy and congrats

Smidger- I hate stressing about it now since its so far in advance, but I am so antsy (and of course excited) about all of this. Our issue is that his family does not really have other options- their inlaws are very far away and they are not in the financial situation to get a babysitter. But that being said, we are not in the financial situation either to add 10-20 kids. At my venue, kids are half price. Not sure I really want to pay $100 for each kid to be at my wedding. My FI is going to talk to his mom again because he also feels strongly about kids not being invited, however he does not want his close cousins not to come (and either do I). I hope it works out and we will all be happy. Where are you getting married?

Smidger · February 2011

We are having our ceremony at Drew University and our reception at The Manor. My whole family is from NJ but FI's family is primarily from Ohio. Where are you getting married? What is your wedding date? What do you have planned so far?

I know the feeling of not wanting to stress about things when the wedding is so far away. In my experience though, you are better off solving things like this sooner than later. We are almost 5 months away and even when we thought it was no longer an issue, it became one again. I think you'll just feel a lot better and less stressed if you can solve this and move on to something else that is more fun. I'm just like you in terms of being antsy lol; I got a lot done fairly early because I was sooo excited to plan! I also wanted to get past anything that might cause drama/stress.

No matter what happens just keep telling yourself that you are going to have a beautiful day because you are marrying the man you love and that's really what this whole thing is about...celebrating you and your FI and the commitment you're making to each other!!! If you ever need to vent feel free to PM me!

JoBell123 · February 2011

As PPs have suggested, help find a babysitter in the area to watch the kids at the hotel. When my brother got married 4 years ago my friend (now my MOH) watched the infant sister of the flower girl back at the hotel so thier parents didn't have to worry about her.

Jacky225 · February 2011

We are getting married on May 4, 2012 at the Rockleigh in NJ. Our ceremony will be at my childhood church in Staten Island. I have nothing else planned- we literally just set the date this weekend! But have been talking about the kids issue since the day we got engaged! I know its going to be beautiful no matter what and I can't wait for it!!!! I am jealous your wedding is so close

I plan to have my photographer, limos/party bus and DJ booked within the next month or 2. And my mother is like Martha Stewart so she is in all the details with me

I am hoping the idea of his sister's 2 friends watching the kids at the hotel will solve everything. I want to make it convenient for them, but want it to be exactly how I imagined it- formal and elegant.

Thanks for everyone's input- you all made me feel so much better!

How to invite kids under 12

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