Ring dilemma

musikbx · June 2010

Lots of ring-talk lately, though I’d chime in with a question!

Boyfriend and I have been looking at different rings, discussing styles, materials and budget. It sounds pretty un-romantic, but there will be no purchases made until we have both signed off on the final decision.

Unfortunately, we have come to a bit of a roadblock. He is European (rings on the right hand) and I am American. Our compromise thus far has been wedding bands on the right, engagement ring on the left. So… we have been searching for a sapphire engagement ring that is within our budget, and looks good on it’s own without a band. Luckily, we have found one that we both love at Brilliant Earth.

We have agreed that I will not be wearing the engagement ring full time. This is partially due to my work environment, but also to his personal beliefs. His solution was to buy a “stand in” ring for me to wear on a daily basis. I told him that I don’t really think it’s necessary.

I suggested either getting ONE engagement ring that I feel comfortable wearing full time, or skip the engagement ring all together and just wear our wedding bands. I like the idea of wearing a ring to symbolize our intent to marry… but I don’t know how I feel about the idea of having a “real” engagement ring, and the “other” ring that I wear every day.

Do you guys have any ideas, opinions, or suggestions?

Narwhal · June 2010

What is against his personal beliefs that can not allow for wearing the real ring but allows the stand alone?

Gamette · June 2010

I'm also curious about the personal beliefs. It would seem to be a PITA to have two rings to keep up with and change out. Then again, I'm a minimalist when it comes to jewelry. I wear two rings that were family heirlooms and the stuff from my piercings. That's it.

musikbx · June 2010

I knew someone would ask that ;-) I guess it's not against his "personal beliefs" - but I didn't really know how else to word it.

He thinks the ring should be for special times... like when we go out to dinner, to the symphony, things of the sort. He thinks it's not the greatest idea for me to run around the subway blasting a piece of jewelry that is worth thousands of dollars. I agree, since I go to work in particularly bad area every day.

He also has a hard time grasping the gemstone engagement ring concept in the first place... it's not very common in Germany.

musikbx · June 2010

I told him to just skip it and buy a nice band instead, but he likes the traditional aspect of the ring and the fact that it will someday be a family heirloom.

Gamette · June 2010

What if he got you an e-ring that wasn't worth *thousands* of dollars but is still nice and would be able to be worn every day? I've seen lots of e-rings that were less than $1K and were pretty awesome. Then he could buy you some other piece of bling to wear out.

desertsun · June 2010

Just buy something you are both comfortable with you wearing every day and insure it.

If you get something that doesn't have stones all the way around the band, you can always twist it around while getting to work.

And he can buy you a fancy bracelet or necklace or something if he wants you to have something to wear for special occasions.

For me, joys of my bling include that it reminds me every single moment of my FI, how much I love him, how happy I am to have him in my life, and how excited I am about our future and the commitments we've made to each other and will soon make publicly. Plus, it's pretty and sparkly and I'm shallow enough that that also makes me really happy.

musikbx · June 2010

Desert - you said that better than I ever could have. I am really excited about what the ring means, not how blingy it is. I think I would rather have something that I could wear every day that reminds me of us. Not a "stand-in ring" while the real (sentimental) one sits on my dresser at home.

Gamette - I've seen some beautiful bands that I absolutely love that were completely reasonable. He, on the other hand, seems pretty keen on the Brilliant Earth ring. (On a side note, I just realized that the "thousands of dollars" thing sounded kindof douchey the way I said it... I was exaggerating, but I don't think I wrote it in a way where my sarcasm came across)

Ana_2985 · June 2010

It sounds like you're doing a lot of the compromising. If he gets to decide which hand you're wearing the wedding bands on, why don't you get to decide about the engagement ring? That seems more fair to me.

Gamette · June 2010

So, I just checked out the Brilliant Earth rings. Wow. I like the sapphire rings! I would love to be on the recieving end of that, and it would NEVER leave my hand. Ever. Wow. Pretty. I have a new love, thank you.

desertsun · June 2010

Yes, that was my point -- you want to be able to wear something every day that FEELS like the real thing instead of a stand-in for the real thing.

Also, I totally knew what you meant about feeling uncomfortable running around with an expensive ring on your hand.

I didn't think it was douchey at all.

Maybe b/c one of my first posts here was very similar. I used to regularly visit blue nile's recently purchased page and gape at how much people spent on e-rings.

But, there are some very good insurance policies out there. Ours, for example, covers theft, damage, loss, AND "mysterious disappearance." It's very affordable.

Just FYI:

http://www.jewelersmutual.com/aboutjewelryinsurance.aspx

musikbx · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ring-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:b7b5d1c4-fd85-4408-a41d-66a769e573f2Post:e979534f-6681-4f90-be37-1e52e248d2ca">Re: Ring dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like you're doing a lot of the compromising.
Posted by Ana_2985[/QUOTE]

The story of my life ;-)

After months of searching, we both really love the sapphire ring. In the end, we will probably end up getting that, and I will wear it whenever I am not at work. (Wearing it to work is not an option, I don't bring *any* personal belongings to work that I can't bear to lose)

Desert - I was just joking with boyfriend about this in passing, and he said "Yeah... I can't believe women in New York run around with these rings on their hands. If I was a criminal and knew this, I would just run around chopping off fingers! Three fingers, what's that... $15,000?"

Buggalo · June 2010

I agree with PPs who suggested getting the ring insured. I can see his point of not "flashing" it, especially if you ride the subway and work in a not-so nice area. My BF has expressed his intention to get me a CZ replica to wear on the subway (we live in NYC). I don't know how I feel about that, though, since any moron on the subway could still think that the fake was real.

It sounds like you and your BF are communicating, which is good. And the sapphire rings are just beautiful.

katanne9 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ring-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:b7b5d1c4-fd85-4408-a41d-66a769e573f2Post:c6744f5d-ae69-4459-8d46-fce7b6738bb0">Re: Ring dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ring dilemma : he said "Yeah... I can't believe women in New York run around with these rings on their hands. If I was a criminal and knew this, I would just run around chopping off fingers! Three fingers, what's that... $15,000?"
Posted by musikbx[/QUOTE]

Haha uhhhh... my FMIL was with her friend on the subway in Manhattan in the 70s and this literally happened (to friend, not FMIL). My FIML grabbed the finger and they were able to sew it back on. What a woman. Sorry if that totally killed the mood. My actual relevant thoughts are that you get a more conveniently shaped, less expensive ring you can wear to work everyday. Ditto everything Desert said. If he wants to get something special and fancy, get a necklace or earrings.

musikbx · June 2010

katanne, I thought I remembered reading about that on here once. New York in the 70's & 80's... crazy stuff! I see a lot of women wearing flashy jewelry in the subway, nobody really seems to think twice about it. (Though I guess it could be fake, as Buggalo pointed out)

The train isn't my main concern.... but I really don't want to mess around at work. Nice things have the tendency to "disappear" in my workplace, only to show up later at the pawn shop down the street. That combined with the fact that I have to walk past a meth clinic on my way to and from work are enough to deter me from bringing anything of value.

Boyfriend and I won't make any final decisions for a few more months, so plenty of time to think! I appreciate everyone's input/thoughts/opinions so far. It's nice to have people to "talk you down" when you are wound-up over one silly idea.

lodonnell616 · June 2010

@musikbx, a friend of mine (American) also married a German and she received her future wedding band as her engagement ring. Wore it on the left while engaged and moved it to the right when they got married. Though, we do live in Germany so right hand is the generally accepted wedding ring finger.

That said. It was also her personal preference. She didn't want the bling.

Bottom line, wear and purchase what makes you (and future FI happy). If its 2 rings and you only wear one for special occasions, thats fine, its what the ring represents that counts.

musikbx · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ring-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:b7b5d1c4-fd85-4408-a41d-66a769e573f2Post:f8622f5e-7055-4245-81ff-d6be17e9cef8">Re: Ring dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]a friend of mine (American) also married a German and she received her future wedding band as her engagement ring. Wore it on the left while engaged and moved it to the right when they got married.
Posted by lodonnell616[/QUOTE]

Yes! That's how the Germans roll! I guess you know that, since you live in Germany... but to clarify for the others. Traditionally when Germans get engaged, both the man and the woman wear a band on their left hands. After they are married, they simply move the band over to the right.

We are always trying to find new ways to blend our traditions. This is the reason we've decided to wear the bands on the right, and the e-ring on the left. Should also point out that where we live, there are enough Europeans that people will know that the right hand ring is the wedding ring ;-)

yellowroseFRA · June 2010

Hi Musikbx, I've lived in Germany for five years now and hear the "e-rings are crazy" thing alot, although I'm noticing them becoming more and more fashionable here. But I think the aversion to flashy jewelry in general is very cultural - when store here do market a ring as an "engagement" style, the diamonds are much smaller and less central to the design than is usual in the US, and in general, people here just prefer everything in a kind of muted, toned-down style, so I can see where your BF is coming from. But on the other hand, you guys live in the US, yes? To me, this should carry some weight in your decision - it's kind of odd to insist on orienting the ring towards a culture you don't live in, not to mention that you're the one wearing it. As long as the ring isn't too flashy, it seems like BF could understand that you wanting to wear it whenever safe is a part of YOUR cultural heritage. And it sounds like your ring would never appear gaudy compared to what most American women run around in.

lodonnell616 · June 2010

...not sure if its the flashiness of the jewelery or the price tag that ze Germans are worried about...

catemeg · June 2010

I like the idea of one ring on each hand, but really you need to do what makes you feel best. He can wear his how he wants, but he really doesn't get to dictate how you wear yours.

If I were you, I'd do one of two things - I'd wear my engagement ring on my left hand (and buy a modest ring rather than something totally over-the-top) with a simple band in place of a wedding ring and my wedding ring on my right, or I'd get an engagement ring that could double as a wedding ring (a little flatter to the band, maybe an anniversary band with 3 stones) and wear that on my left hand as some women don't continue to wear their engagement ring after marriage, and wear the wedding band on my right.

In general, as an American, I'd feel better having a ring on my left hand so that in MY culture, it would be viewed as a wedding ring. If he wants to put my wedding ring on my right hand, cool, but I'd still want something on my left hand. An engagement ring that doubles as a wedding ring would solve both problems.

oceana919 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ring-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:b7b5d1c4-fd85-4408-a41d-66a769e573f2Post:dfc3b669-a711-4ad2-b447-e94344f55524">Re: Ring dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]I knew someone would ask that ;-) I guess it's not against his "personal beliefs" - but I didn't really know how else to word it. He thinks the ring should be for special times... like when we go out to dinner, to the symphony, things of the sort. He thinks it's not the greatest idea for me to run around the subway blasting a piece of jewelry that is worth thousands of dollars. I agree, since I go to work in particularly bad area every day. He also has a hard time grasping the gemstone engagement ring concept in the first place... it's not very common in Germany.
Posted by musikbx[/QUOTE]

1) Having a genuine ring on your finger does not necessarily = getting mugged. I used to live in a rough neighborhood with FI (e.g. <em>Women Cops of Broward County</em> did a drug bust in my backyard at one point) and I never ran into trouble. And it's hard to miss my ring. It's small, but sparkles like a mofo.

2) There's nothing wrong with having a "less than real" ring to wear in work situations. I'm a marine biologist, and when I'm working in the field or in the lab with chemicals, I wear a $10 sterling silver band on my finger in place of my e-ring. Sure, I could skip wearing anything, but I've gotten so used to having my e-ring on, it feels strange not to have anything on that finger. However, when you're walking around everyday, I don't see why you should have to wear anything but your real ring.

**Mutley** · June 2010

Good luck coming to a compromise. It sounds like you have some other alternatives.

There is something about wearing 'your' rings everyday. I feel naked right now. Between summer and pregnancy, my finger is too swollen for my rings. DH ordered me some fake bling to wear for the rest of my pregnancy after listening to me biitch all weekend about how weird it felt to not have my rings on. If I end up liking it, he wants to get me a bling-y band for any future pregnancies.

meamolly · June 2010

turn the bling inside your mand when you walk in the area you fear.

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