BM drama

[Deleted User] · August 2012

I think I already know the answer to this but I'm so frustrated I'm going to ask anyway. Is there any time its acceptable to kick a BM out of a wedding? I had a mini rant on one of the alterations posts yesterday. Basically one of my BM who I thought was one of my best friends and was very supportive in the beginning has done nothing but complain and not participate in anything since we picked out dresses as a group in March. I know she's not required to go to any preparties. Now she isn't joining us to get our nails done or spending the night at the hotel the night before the wedding. I also know that's her choice. At this point though I just feel like what is she actually going to show up for? The rehearsal? The wedding? It's very important to our church that everyone is there for rehearsal. I really feel like if she isn't going to show up for that then I'm going to tell her not to bother coming to the wedding. Supposedly she has the day before and the day of the wedding off but work always comes first for her and I feel like if they asked her to stay she would gladly do so. I do not even want to continue this friendship. I'm calling her tonight to ask what is going on. I don't know if it truly is about the wedding or something else in her life that she's projecting on the wedding. We used to talk once a week and now I'm lucky if I hear from her once a month...ETA: My phone doesn't do paragraphs.

achiduck · August 2012

Unfortunately kicking a BM out is usually a friendship ending move. Are you prepared for that?

How did you find out she's been complaining about the wedding/you/whatever? Perhaps she needs a break from wedding-related stuff. Maybe if you both take a week or so to cool off that will help?

annanoel21 · August 2012

I know this is hard for you. I'm going thru a similar situation myself. I would advise you to take her aside and talk with her. Tell her when you asked her to be your BM that means for her to be involved in the parties and everything that comes with it. Let her know that if she can't step up and help out on her part, let you know so you can find someone who wants to take the part seriously.

[Deleted User] · August 2012

You might want to start the conversation with, the reason I chose you to be a bridesmaid is because.... and our friendship means a lot to me, etc and I'm disappointed that you have not been able to make any of the events and I really want you to be able to participate in what is left and share this experience with me, and create great memories, blah blah...

semay23 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2012-weddings_bm-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:56b9bcef-1e34-456e-81f5-cfaa107456b2Discussion:fc2f1eaa-cb17-4e7e-a2c4-eced9f5b76cdPost:ea4160fd-ae4d-48a3-a863-24187299b439">Re:BM drama</a>:
[QUOTE]I know this is hard for you. I'm going thru a similar situation myself. I would advise you to take her aside and talk with her. Tell her when you asked her to be your BM<strong> that means for her to be involved in the parties and everything that comes with it. Let her know that if she can't step up and help out on her part</strong>, let you know so you can find someone who wants to take the part seriously.
Posted by annanoel21[/QUOTE]

This is way off base. BM do not have to be involved with parties or help with anything. All they have to do is get a dress, and show up to the wedding (and the rehearsal if at all possible). IF they offer to help with parties, etc, then that's great and very nice of them to do. But if not, you shouldn't hold it against them.

To answer OP's question: Take a deep breath. Yes it gets frustrating at times in situations like these. If you are prepared to end the friendship, then by all means, kick her out. However, if it were me, it would call her and say that you noticed she has been unable to attend said functions, and that you missed her being there. Then I would have her confirm that she will be attending the rehearsal and the wedding.

And if she doesn't show up, then she looks like a jerk, not you!

LDubHawksFan · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2012-weddings_bm-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:56b9bcef-1e34-456e-81f5-cfaa107456b2Discussion:fc2f1eaa-cb17-4e7e-a2c4-eced9f5b76cdPost:9c60f597-92d6-4957-b2ec-998597f317ec">Re:BM drama</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:BM drama : This is way off base. BM do not have to be involved with parties or help with anything. All they have to do is get a dress, and show up to the wedding (and the rehearsal if at all possible). IF they offer to help with parties, etc, then that's great and very nice of them to do. But if not, you shouldn't hold it against them. To answer OP's question: Take a deep breath. Yes it gets frustrating at times in situations like these. If you are prepared to end the friendship, then by all means, kick her out. However, if it were me, it would call her and say that you noticed she has been unable to attend said functions, and that you missed her being there. Then I would have her confirm that she will be attending the rehearsal and the wedding. And if she doesn't show up, then she looks like a jerk, not you!
Posted by semay23[/QUOTE]

I second this. As much as it would be nice for her attend, she doesn't have to. She really is only required to attend the wedding. If the rehearsal is really important, I would follow the advice above by stating how much you missed her at the shower and how it would really mean a lot to you if she could come to the rehearsal. Most of the time, it's not imperative that they go, because really it's just walking up and down an aisle. I wouldn't kick her out because that will end your friendship. Give her a break because as much as we would like to think the wedding is the end all, be all, to everyone else, it is just one day and does not require 1/100th of the amount of thought as we have put into it.

[Deleted User] · August 2012

Semay I think you are spot on. I really want it to be on her when or if she doesn't show up to the wedding. That's why I've been doing everything in my power to help her. Shipped her her dress since she couldn't make it to town to pick it up. Sent her links to shoes since she said she couldn't find any in the color the group picked. I'm paying for hair and make up so there's no additional cost there. As far as ending the friendship, the reason I'd be ok with it is because I feel like if she can't support me at the happiest time in my life, why would she support me in the most difficult time in my life?

semay23 · August 2012

Marelin, good luck with your phone call tonight. Sounds like you have been very reasonable concerning the dress/accessories/hair. You never know, maybe she is dealing with some family or work issues that have her stressed out. No matter what the circumstances, it always sucks to lose a friend.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

AEPerpete · August 2012

I think as long as she is prepared to show up for the rehersal/wedding, and she is helpful, and appropriate on those days, that's all she should really be responsible for,

If you are worried she won't/that she has been speaking poorly of you or the wedding, you should for sure go to her with your concerns, but it isn't mandatory for her to do anything other than what I mentioned.

I understand you wish she was more interested/positive about it, but really, there is nothing you can do about it,(other than kicking her out and ending your friendship, which I hope would be done over something more serious than the issue you discussed) and if she doesnt come on those times, as others have said, it will look poorly on her, not you.

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