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OOT MOH?

caterpillar85caterpillar85
100 Comments
in Moms and Maids
I have a best friend who I want to be my MOH, but she lives in Des Moines, and I (and the wedding) am in Kansas City. My older sister lives in my area, and I would like her to be MOH also. Mostly because she can do the stuff that my best friend can't because she is so far away. I have asked both to be a BM so far, but haven't specifically said "MOH" yet.

What are your experiences with/as OOT MOHs? I don't want to make it hard on her, have her feel like she HAS to drive out here at every little thing. I basically don't want it to burden her. She was a MOH for her sister while we were away at college (about 2 hours from home) and I remember her telling me it kind of sucked because of how far away it was. I want her to be one of my MOHs but don't want her to be pressured into doing anything she doesn't want to do, and I don't want her to feel like she did with her sister.

Is this something I can talk to her about and tell her my concern? We act like sisters and love each other so I know she won't be mad, but I want her to be comfortable. Is it rude to talk to her about it?

How would you go about it? Any advice will help, thanks!
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Re: OOT MOH?

  • RaptorSLHRaptorSLH member
    500 Comments First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    My MOH is hours away.  My BM, and both GMs, are even farther away.  The only speical arrangement it has taken is deciding on a national chain for dresses, so they can each try on and purchase from a store close to them.

    Forget about what the wedding industry is telling you about a MOH's "list of duties."  They're after your money, not the health of your friendships.  Your MOH should be chosen because she's close to you emotionally, not because she throws the best parties or assembles the best DIY projects.

    Once you make that mental switch, there's no conflict with an OOT MOH.  The only one who is obligated to help is your FI.  Call on your FI to visit venues and vendors, address invitations, and assemble centerpieces.  The only thing your friend has to travel for is the wedding itself - even the rehersal is realistically optional.  Use whatever means you usually use to stay in contact, and share wedding news as you would share any other important news.

    If you ask her, and she brings up the worry, just tell her her standing up for you on your wedding day is more important than parties or projects.  Otherwise, she'll get the message when you don't ask her over every afternoon to compare menus.
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  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    What Raptor said. 
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  • Soon2BeMrsTingSoon2BeMrsTing
    500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Everything Raptor said!  Those duties you are concerned about? They don't exist.

    Definitely go to your FI for help first. It's his wedding, too!
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  • StephBeanWed61502StephBeanWed61502 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_oot-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b731eba8-e49f-4db7-96f5-26b02a35a717Post:aa848d11-ae2f-4b70-9b68-2f3e88c93e68">Re: OOT MOH?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, ask your fiance if you need help with things.  You're marrying him, not your MOH. 
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    <div>This.</div><div>
    </div><div>Also, my MOH is my 24 year old brother.  His clothes only match because his girlfriend dresses him.  I will let you guess how much help he is with wedding stuff.  He's not my MOH because I wanted a free wedding planner, he's my MOH because he's the person I'd call to help me bury a body at 3am.</div>
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  • ElinetrouwtElinetrouwt member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If I needed help burying a body at 3pm, I'd be in trouble, because my MOH lives four hours away. But I'd probably ask my FI for help first, anyway.

    Your MOH doesn't 'need' to do anything, but mine gives me lot of moral support, over phone, email and texting. And when I went dress shopping, I travelled towards her instead of the other way around.

    Ask her and your sister to be co-MOH's, based on your feeling for the both of them.
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  • mekiakoomekiakoo member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    My MOH is 1,500 miles away and I have no expectations of her. I don't even expect her to come to the shower or any other festive we may have before the wedding. I picked her because she's my best friend and I can't think of anyone else I would like to be my MOH. She also does not have a lot of money so I am paying for her dress and some other things so she will be able to afford flying in for the wedding.

    All of my BMs are at least 250 to 1,500 miles away and it is not making anything harder- for example, for BM dress shopping, I was able to have 3 of my BMs come along and we sent pictures to the others before agreeing on a dress. Basically all of my girls are pretty easy going and flexible.

    All your girls need to do is find a dress and show up on your wedding day, nothing else. If they feel like it'll be a burden, they can decline, right?
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_oot-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b731eba8-e49f-4db7-96f5-26b02a35a717Post:f05dd5fc-bc9b-415b-9771-2b1df3217846">OOT MOH?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have a best friend who I want to be my MOH, but she lives in Des Moines, and I (and the wedding) am in Kansas City. My older sister lives in my area, and I would like her to be MOH also. Mostly because she can do the stuff that my best friend can't because she is so far away. I have asked both to be a BM so far, but haven't specifically said "MOH" yet. What are your experiences with/as OOT MOHs? I don't want to make it hard on her, have her feel like she HAS to drive out here at every little thing. I basically don't want it to burden her. She was a MOH for her sister while we were away at college (about 2 hours from home) and I remember her telling me it kind of sucked because of how far away it was. I want her to be one of my MOHs but don't want her to be pressured into doing anything she doesn't want to do, and I don't want her to feel like she did with her sister. Is this something I can talk to her about and tell her my concern? We act like sisters and love each other so I know she won't be mad, but I want her to be comfortable. Is it rude to talk to her about it? How would you go about it? Any advice will help, thanks!
    Posted by caterpillar85[/QUOTE]

    MOH isn't a job or a reward for who can help the bride tie ribbons on bubble wands. 
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  • caterpillar85caterpillar85
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I don't expect her to do anything like what some of you assumed. I'm sorry I might have not explained it well enough, but by her being my MOH I know she will WANT to come to everything, like she did with her sister. Of course I wish she could be there when I pick out my dress and stuff, but I'm not demanding it, or even asking her to.

    The question I was trying to convey was this-
    When I ask her to be one of my MOHs, how should I talk to her about being so far away? I want her to know that I would love for her to be here for all the fun things leading up to the wedding, but if she can't for any reason, being money, schedule conflict, or she just wants a weekend to relax, I want her to be able to stay put.

    Elinetrowt - Thanks. Driving out there for dresses is a great idea. And you gave me some good ideas on what to say to her.

    I was just afraid by me saying "I want you to be one of my MOHs but since you are so far away I don't expect you to drive out here all the time" would make her feel unimportant as a MOH.

    But thank you all for the advice.
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  • RaptorSLHRaptorSLH member
    500 Comments First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Do you Skype?  Have cellphones with lots of weekend minutes?  E-mail?  My bridesmaid is out of state, so we don't see each other often, but we've been sending powerpoints back and forth loaded with dress shopping pictures and commentary.  It's easier than ever these days to communicate with people long distance.  She may not be able to come to vendors with you, but if she has the enthusiasm to be a part of the planning, you and she can find a way.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    You don't say anything to her about being or not being there for certain pre-wedding events.  When things get schedule let her know...it will be her choice as to whether she can make it or not.  She is an adult and knows her financial situation and can make the decision herself...you don't need to keep telling her that it will be ok if she can't make it because as your friend she should know that you will be fine either way.

    "I was just afraid by me saying "I want you to be one of my MOHs but since you are so far away I don't expect you to drive out here all the time" would make her feel unimportant as a MOH"...
    Do not say this!  This will make her feel uncomfortable.  Just ask her to be your MOH, and make sure she knows that she is one of two MOHs, and leave it as that.  You don't need to add anything about her being far away and not being able to be there all the time, because that may make her feel bad.

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  • owengirl996owengirl996 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_oot-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b731eba8-e49f-4db7-96f5-26b02a35a717Post:e3709332-d42a-41bb-a976-500847bb9de8">Re: OOT MOH?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Pick your maid of honor based on who your nearest and dearest is, not on who will be easiest to enlist for free labor.
    Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

    This. My cousin got married in October, and kept telling me the only reason I wasn't her MOH was because I lived too far away <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-frown.gif" border="0" alt="Frown" title="Frown" /> It was hard, too, because I had just moved away from EVERYONE in my family (and my friends), and apparently ruined my chances at being MOH for doing so. I was pretty hurt, but in a way I did kind of understand (or at least tried to). In the end, I did more than her maid of dishonor (her words, not mine!). I did it because I love her and she's my cousin/friend. She felt bad and kept apologizing, so I forgave her. She ended up punishing herself more than me.
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