having a hard time

ErinW1912 · June 2012

I just found out that there is a good chance that my grandparents will not make it to the wedding. My grandmother's one lung keeps collapsing and since I am getting married in the mountains the altitude will make it hard for her and her oxygen. My grandfather has alzhemiers and it has gotten much worse. When I tried on dresses in Jan and Feb my grandmother did not want to leave my grandfather so she was unable to go with us. I was sad but understood and always thought she would be at the wedding now there is a good chance she will not be.

My aunt said that she will talk to my grandmother and see if my dad, uncle, brother, and my FI all hung out with my grandfather and watched him if she would come to see me try on my dress next weekend or drive her for my final fitting in late Aug to early Sept. My parents live 45 min from my grandparents and aunt/uncle. I grew up with these grandparents not being far away so I am really close to them and not to have them involved is really difficult.

It is just hard b/c this all has happened since I got engaged my grandfather started getting alzhemers really bad and my grandmother's lungs collapsed two weeks ago. If my grandparents made it they would be the only grandparents there. My FI has only a living grandfather and he will not make it from MI. My other set of grandparents died when I was in high school/college so these are the only grandparents I have left and they have been very welcoming to my FI (not that the rest of the family hasn't been as well).

Thanks for listening I feel bad crying to FI b/c he is dealing with his mom that cries alot about the wedding with all of the little things we are doing and she constantly says your grandmother would have loved that and tears up. So I cannot imagine dealing with two crying girls and he feels he does not have grandparents anymore so I feel horrible crying about the fact Mine may not make the wedding but they are still alive and I grew up knowing them and he did not have much contact with his.

hollyweenOR · June 2012

Sorry to hear about your grandparents' health & your very natural sadness about them not being able to be involved. If they can't be there for things, make sure to take lots of photos (of things like dress fittings, etc.), especially for your grandma, and go see her to share them with her. Be sure to save favors for them, and maybe dry some flowers too? Or ask your florist to do a smaller version of your bouquet later, when you take her the pictures, and you can give her those flowers?

I know it's not easy when family members won't be there.

My fi doesn't have any grandparents left, and his mother has passed away as well (luckily he has 2 really wonderful aunts who will both be there), and while I am fortunate to have both my grandmas, they are 100 and 92, and likely neither will be able to travel. I'm lucky to have had them as long as I have!

Thankfully I have a gazillion cousins, so they have both seen many grandchildren (and even great grandchildren) married over the years.

calindi · June 2012

I'm right there with you. My grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimers back in November, and has deteriorated rather rapidly. He introduced himself to my FI three times when we saw him two weeks ago - they've known each other over 4 years now. At least he still knew who I was, but he got overwhelmed by having a few family members visit in his home - so we know that total strangers in an unfamiliar place will be really overwhelming for him. We know if he can come, he'll be there for the ceremony and nothing else. But it's quite likely he won't be able to make it. And it's nearly certain that this is the last family wedding that he'll be at, if he can make it.

Anyway, my thoughts would be that it's okay to be sad. It's okay to cry. It's okay to even be a little angry - it's all natural, and we're allowed to feel how we feel. If your FI can't show some compassion simply because he has already lost his grandparents, then perhaps you'll need to talk to someone who will understand. Is there a good friend who has had sick grandparents or dealt with Alzheimers, or maybe a cousin who shares those grandparents? Or just write it in a journal, have a good cry, scream at no one in the middle of the woods - really, whatever gets you through the day and makes you feel a bit better.

Would it be possible to set up Skype so they can watch? Otherwise, can you videotape it, bring it to them, and watch it with them after?

BMcLeodTeam · June 2012

I am sorry you are dealing with this. Its hard on everyone when a family member is unable to be there for whatever reason.

My father passed away, as did FI's. I'm finding that I am an emotional mess quite often dealing with not having my father there with me. Its amazing how many father/daughter traditions there really are once you're actively thinking about it...

volleygurl0306 · June 2012

It is totally natural to be upset about this. I think you should cry for sure. And I think your Fi should be okay with it. Because his mom will probably cry when you have kids too, so does that mean you don't get to cry? Not saying his mom's feelings aren't justified or valid but if he is your strength then you should get to show your emotions too.

Having ill grandparents is incredibly difficult and to be close to them like that it would be upsetting to not have them share that day with you. My maternal grandfather is the only grandparent we will have present (for some various reasons not worth going into) so I know how you feel to feel like someone is missing. I like the ideas of setting up a Skype and/or tkaing video, and taking special time after the wedding to share things with your grandma. I have always said Alzheimers has to be the hardest on the family and so I pray your grandpa stabilizes and doesn't decline so quickly. Definitely talk to people who you rely on about your feelings and dont apologize for them! Big hugs girl!

having a hard time

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