Bridemaid issue (kinda)

Re: Bridemaid issue (kinda)

• saraschilling88

  

  April 2012

  I feel your pain!!  I have an ex-bridesmaid (she stepped down, is now my personal attendant) who has done NOTHING with me wedding related unless she initiated it!  I had a bridal shower yesterday (she lives 25 minutes from the shower location), and she couldn't make it (no reason given, but I'm pretty sure she went to her parents house (40 minute drive 1 way) like she does every weekend, and "couldn't justify leaving there").  She always "wishes she could help" and "is just too busy" (she is a stay at home Mom with 1 kid), so I understand your pain very much!
  
  I am also trying to figure out what to say/do with my friend.. I am thinking of just explaining how much it hurts when I try to work things out in advance and she decides at last minute she can't come (she told me she couldn't be a BM 3 days before we decided to go dress shopping). 
  
  I would say you know your friend better than any of us, feel out how you think she will react and proceed cautiously if you are afraid of offending her...
  
  Good luck!!

  

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• Eyejewel member

  

  April 2012

  I agree with above. Proceed with caution and I feel your pain. My moh has not done much but make me go around her schedule and there is always and excuse. So at the moment I am trying to decide how to address the issue but at this point shes not even calling unless it was for getting her dress. I stop trying to ask her to do things even none wedding related (as in get together for a movie etc) because I was getting so stressed by her selfishness.

  I guess Im going to call/email to tell her how i feel hurt on a friend level.

  
  

  GL!

  

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• Phoenixashes

  

  April 2012

  Going off on what you said near the end of your post :hey if you have a free weekend and you would like to come up and help with something, that would be great, just let me know. - that might be an option to consider, you know casually say, I know it has been hard for you to make it up for a few things, but I would like to spend some time with you so if you know if you have free time, let's set something up even if it's just to hang out and catch up.
  
  I'm sure she feels bad she isn't able to be there for you as much as you both would like, so hopefully you guys will be able to figure something out.

  ~He is the best part of my day~

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• calindi member

  

  April 2012

  I think often "let me know if I can help!" means "I'm really happy for you, but this isn't my wedding, so I only want to do stuff when it's convenient for me."
  
  That's not a crack on your friend - far from it.  We all feel this way about even our closest friends' big events sometimes.  What's important for us as brides to remember is that yes, they DO just have to show up and play nice and wear the dress.  It would be nice if they'd volunteer to do more, but it often doesn't happen.  It isn't worth stressing over things you can't control - just leave the ball in her court and put it out of your mind.
  
  For what it's worth, I live 2000 miles from my family & friends.  No one has helped me with any wedding-related projects except my Mom.  One of my friends just got engaged and everyone is jumping up and down to volunteer to help her - it's a slightly different situation, as she lives near all her family & friends, and she also lost her Mom 9 years ago so I think people really want to help her make sure this is special, but a part of me felt sad that people weren't that excited to help me.  I don't even have bridesmaids because I knew my friends wouldn't be that enthusiastic about it - my brother is my brother-of-honor and he's amazing.  So I get it, I do.  But I've let it go so that it doesn't cast a shadow over a very happy time.

  
  
  
  
  
  

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• bmetz34 member

  

  April 2012

  Make sure you are making an effort to hang out with your friend for non-wedding things.  Sometimes we can get a little wrapped up in weddings and not understand why everyone is not as interested in our weddings as we are.  Make sure she feels like not every activity together needs to be wedding related.  Try asking if she wants to go out to lunch, and making it a point not to talk about the wedding unless she asks. 
  
  Maybe she is giving you vauge answers because she is trying to be polite.  I can speak from personal experience, I've helped out with wedding tasks with my sister's weddings, but for other weddings I was in, I was never asked to help out with tasks or attend extra functions, and I don't know that I would have wanted to, or had time to.  If you think of it, your bridal party will be involved in shopping for bridesmaid dresses, fittings for dresses, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, rehearsal dinner, and the wedding.  That is a lot of events to ask someone to schedule their lives around.  So where it may seem silly that she wanted to attend a yoga open house rather than pick up your dress with you, she's really probably just looking to live her life. 

  8/12 March Siggy- reception venue!
  

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• elhoekenga member

  

  April 2012

  I don't know if I am the only one that feels this way, but from the beginning I haven't expected much of any of my maids. Mostly because they all live at least 2 hours away. My sister is my moh and lives close so she and my mom have done 90% of the tasks. My point I guess is that I didnt expect a lot from my maids from the beginning, so I haven't really been disappointed thus far. Frankly I really don't care if they help me or not, between my mother, sister and I we are taking care of it all. I do realize not everyone has a helpful family, but sometimes it helps to just assume they will not do anything except show up the day of, then be pleasanty surprised when they do help with something. The important thing is your relationship with them and keeping that solid throughout your wedding planning. And sometimes people just grow apart, that's ok too. Maybe throughout your wedding process you weed out the ones worth keeping. Just my opinion.

  

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• rungirl12 member

  

  April 2012

  [QUOTE]I don't know if I am the only one that feels this way, but from the beginning I haven't expected much of any of my maids.  My point I guess is that I didnt expect a lot from my maids from the beginning, so I haven't really been disappointed thus far. Posted by elhoekenga[/QUOTE]
  
  I am in your boat and am very happy with things.  I have 4 bridesmaids that live 1.5 hrs away including my MOH sister.  Another is 30 minutes and one is local.  My mom is 15 minutes away, but maybe because of my Type A personality, I find myself wanting to do nearly everything myself such as centerpieces, flowers, & favors.  Those that I wanted specific help from, I have sought out commitments/help (my sis/MOH is helping me make the cake).  It was a fiasco finding a time everyone could go dress shopping, and I'd rather avoid the headache related to a wedding and contact them for the important stuff (like when I need a friend for support, or to make plans for something else). 
  
  I have the mindset that no one cares about my wedding, so I try not to have that be the topic unless they ask.  And, I only say that because in the past I've found it a chore sometimes to go to showers & bachelorette parties & engagement parties even when they are for a good friend.  Another thing that can make friends shy away is if they are recently out of a relationship, in a stagnant relationship, or in a relationship where they feel THEY should be the one getting married.  They may not come out and say it, but your wedding could be triggering an internal struggle for them with where they're currently at.  I say this because I found it REALLY hard to be a bridesmaid when my own previous engagement ended 3 months prior, and I only was a bit more upbeat in a wedding 6 months after that.  So, if there are any feelings of jealousy, that could weigh into the vague answers and lack of committing as well.

  

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• elhoekenga member

  

  April 2012

  rungirl12  - I agree 100% with you. I completely understand where some people may be in a different place in their life and going through someone else's wedding may be really hard. Or it could be anything really... a death in the family, stress at work, spouse/boyfriend issues, who knows.  It isn't that they don't care necessarily, they just have other things consuming their thoughts. At some point or another we have all been there for one reason or another, that is part of life.
  
  At the end of it all, as long as they show up on my day and stand next to me when I get married that is all I really care about.

  

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• saraschilling88

  

  April 2012

  I understand where everyone is coming from, and enjoyed reading the responses since I was basically going to write a similar post to OP (and kinda did during my first response). 
  
  I am trying to learn to just not expect any help from my friend, and I like what PPs wrote about getting together for non-WR dinners and such, but she doesn't even want to do that unless we go where she or her hubby wants to go (and only on the night they call us)...  She is still a good friend, but since she had her 1st child she has changed, and that is why I understood when she backed out of being a BM.  I still love her to death (as a friend) though even if she makes me want to cry sometimes...
  
  Sorry learnide for stealing your post.. I'm hoping you can work things out with your friend too

  

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