Community› Cultural Wedding Boards› Catholic Weddings
Catholic Weddings
New Discussion

Marriage advice/marriage worries

Resa77Resa77
First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
in Catholic Weddings
MARRIED LADIES: What advice do you have for the engaged ladies here?  Is there anything you wish someone had told you?  Is there anything you were "warned" about, or any advice you were given, that you think wasn't helpful?

ENGAGED LADIES: What are you most "worried" for about adjusting to married life?  As much as you're obviously looking forward to it, is there anything you think will be particularly challenging to get used to?

 

Report Reply to Post

Re: Marriage advice/marriage worries

  • bibliophile2010bibliophile2010 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker First Comment
    We pray over every meal -- we only really use the set prayer in public, at lunch or on at the end of an extra-long/frustrating day. We also pray something -- a Rosary or Morning Prayer or something -- almost every morning. We also do some kind of prayer or spiritual reading or both before bed, and go to mass together as frequently as possible (every Sunday and a time or two during the week is what we have been ending up with lately).

    When we were dating, we saw each other a lot and were able to pray together frequently. The year we were engaged, we lived about 35 minutes apart, and H was super-busy, so we saw each other much less frequently. We got into the habit of reading Evening Prayer at night before bed (not the right time, but we liked that it had a place for intercessions) over the phone. Again, it's awkward at first, but it really does get easier!

    I think it is easier to start small -- with something that you're not making up -- if you're not in the habit of praying together. Try different things: Liturgy of the Hours, Rosary, Chaplet of Divine Mercy, Novenas, a simple Hail Mary or Our Father, etc. (so blessed to be part of a faith with such rich prayer traditions!) to find what works for you, what you like, etc. Sometimes, we just go to the intercessions from Morning or Evening Prayer -- it gives us a place to start and a form to use that is often easier/more comfortable than something extemporaneous. 

     

     
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Report Reply
  • laurenoliveira23laurenoliveira23 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    my fiance and i already live together so i feel like we are kind of already married and we've gone through a lot of financial problems and family drama these past couple months and we've been able to work through them a lot

    one thing that ive always said we have and will keep this on into our marriage is at least one night a week that is just me and him .. .its our "date night" but doesnt necessarily mean we have to go on a date.

    one thing i am worried about though is just ... i hear these situations where people grow apart or they start wanting different things and that scares me
    Planning Bio PersonalMilestone magicalkingdoms.com Ticker
    Free Disney Tickers
    Report Reply
  • Eliz77Eliz77 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited April 2012
    My fiancé and I also live together and I will tell you, I learned SO MUCH about him, myself and us as a team once we took this step. We have been together almost seven years and bought a house two years ago. I have a good friend who got divorced and another who split after living with her fiancé, both said they loved their SO, but they could not live together. That was a big worry of mine, but living together has prove to me we are compatible and can work through any situation together.

    Honestly, the only thing I worry about following marriage is how we will do family holidays. Mostly, once we have kids. Right now, we make every attempt to see both families, and FI's parents are divorced. FI's mom doesn't cook, so we always eat out, which I rather not do. We both agree once we have kids, we will have to host more holidays (which I really want to anyway!) but I worry someone will be left out. Up to now, we always say,"When we get married, we'll do...."

    But if that's the only thing concerning me, I think I am in a good place! Smile

     
    ~ES~
    Report Reply
  • Resa77Resa77
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    I have to admit it's a pet-peeve of mine when people glorify living together before marriage, as though it's this great experience to "test drive" marriage.  If you know someone well enough to marry them, then you would know them well enough to know whether you can get along with them as a roommate without living with them first.

    To have a happy, successful marriage, you can't be too controlling/picky.  You have to be willing to compromise.  If you want everything tidy at all times, and your FI could care less whether the bed is made or whether the socks make it to the hamper right away, who is to say your way is right?  You know what I mean?  So first of all, someone who has a tough time living with others probably needs to work on herself/himself to learn to be a bit more....respectful of others I guess? 

    Now, there are certain things one could do that would make living with them absolutely terrible.  But someone who is not willing to change at all in order to make you happy is probably a pretty self-centered person, and not a good choice for a spouse.  And someone who constantly does inconsiderate things without realizing how bothersome they are is probably someone who is generally, well, inconsiderate.  You should be able to decipher whether your SO is a self-centered jerk or an inconsiderate person without living with him. 

    I'm not saying there is no way living together before marriage could ever have a single benefit.  And I'm certainly not trying to hate on anyone!  I just wanted to share my opinion about why it's a red flag if you have to live with someone before marriage, and then turn around and say "I love you, but I just can't live with you."  That's either a character flaw in YOU, or a character flaw in him.  If it's the former, obvi you (general you!) need to overcome it, or decide marriage isn't for you.  If it's the latter, then you obvi need to figure out why you're having a hard time picking up on the character of your SO. 

    And as a little side, I will admit that I know plenty of couples who lived together before marriage and have really happy, healthy marriages (as far as I know). All of them lived together out of convenience, though, and not to "test drive." 

     

    Report Reply
  • Tami87Tami87 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited April 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_marriage-advicemarriage-worries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:61bcefc5-d926-44e9-b646-34659b580b44Post:2757a45a-d957-42b2-98d0-4615c29d0b86">Re: Marriage advice/marriage worries</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have to admit it's a pet-peeve of mine when people glorify living together before marriage, as though it's this great experience to "test drive" marriage.
    Posted by Resa77[/QUOTE]

    Ditto this annoys me as well. Glad you said something. I have so many friends/acquaintances who tell me that they would never marry someone without living together first. I don't get it. I think after over 4.5 years I know my FI well enough, even though we have never lived together, that there will be no annoying roommate habits (and I am sure we will both have more than a few) that will be deal breakers. If I didn't think we could work together to compromise and come up with solutions to make us both happy I wouldn't be marrying him. I think that sometimes people expect this perfect compatibility and forget that marriage takes compromise and work.

    This isn't a comment about the previous posters, but sometimes I feel people go on about how great living together because they have a need to justify their own decisions, especially if they aren't well received by some family members.
    image
    Report Reply
  • Eliz77Eliz77 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    I am NOT glorifying living together before marriage. I was hesitant to post on this thread given it's a Catholic thread and all, but I wanted to share my experience and what my concerns for the future will be. I didn't go into detail as far as what brought us to the decision to live together but I will say it was NOT as a "test run" for marriage. It made the most sense for us at the time and I have no regrets. We were discussing marriage and future plans when we decided to buy a house together. IMO, it would be pretty silly to buy a house and then determine if compatibility was a factor for marriage, no? I have known couples who move in together and break up whether they are married or not, and have always wondered how you can love someone but yet not live with them.

    I respect some people feel they have to wait for marriage to live together. I was simply sharing my own experience. I felt I knew FI very well in our first 5 years together. However, living together, sharing finances, experience real life challenges and just how to balance everyday tasks with a partner has brought out much more, and thankfully, for us, it showed we can handle anything. That was my purpose for contributing to this thread. If I felt FI and I had a chance to not be compatible, I would never had moved in with him. But the fact the we do live together has eased any "what if's?" and made all of our wedding planning very easy. 
    ~ES~
    Report Reply
  • professorscienceprofessorscience member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Resa, I totally get what you are saying.  So many people were SHOCKED that H and I were together for so long and never lived with each other.  This idea that you have to get to know a person's habits to make sure you're "compatible" is completely ludicrous and just reinforces the notion that no one should ever make changes for another person, you just have to wait until the person who completely bends to your will comes along.

    Eliz, I also get what you are saying, though.  Considering I've known him over half my life, I don't think there's MUCH about H that I didn't already know before we got married, BUT I can totally see the benefits of living together before marriage.  There's certainly issues, but there are definitely a lot of reasons to do it.  We looked into buying a house about six months before our wedding, and H insisted that it would just be me living in it until we were married, but I have my doubts.  It just doesn't make sense to pay rent + mortgage in this day.  
    Anniversary

    image

    image

    Report Reply
  • charjon85charjon85 member
    First Comment
    edited October 2013
    Has been removed
    Report Reply
  • CrazyDaisy2013CrazyDaisy2013 member
    First Comment

    Newly married here (within the last few months) and I would say the most important thing we are learning is to work as a team and trying to be as supportive of one another as possible. I highly recommend marriage-we had friends tell us this prior to even getting engaged and I think it's an important message to convey.

    I was very nervous in preparation for married life, as it was a big step and we had never lived together, there was so much unknown. We are now together in a tiny apartment making ends meet and we are so happy. By the grace of God we find energy to put into our relationship everyday. It's not always easy and life seems to have all the sudden sped up now, but it has been extremely rewarding in my faith life and makes everyday more rewarding than the day before it.

    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards