No First Dance :(

Re: No First Dance :(

• Psych819 member

  

  January 2013

  Let him know how much the first dance means to you. I think once you guys have that talk he will be on board. 

  Report0 Reply
• itzMS member

  

  January 2013

  Dance lessons are definitely not the answer. Choreography would make an already shy/awkward dancer even feel more self-concious, IMHO.
  
  Have FI pick the song, and the two of you could hold each other and do the basic sway back and forth, kiss, talk, laugh. It doesn't have to be a big production.
  
  
  

  Report0 Reply
• mcda04 member

  

  January 2013

  Dance with your FI at home. We honestly talked through our whole dance, and we only did half the song. It wasn't bad at all.

  Report0 Reply
• kmmssg mod

  

  January 2013

  I was every bit the traditional bride you are.  My DH would rather die than have to dance in front of people.  I had always wanted a first dance but I scrapped it because it made him uncomfortable.

  
  

  Why is your traditional vision so much more important than his being very uncomfortable about dancing?  The poor man left his Christmas party early because of it and felt so bad (your words).  How do you think he will feel at his wedding reception?  He will feel worse because you are trying to force this on him.

  
  

  Your statement of " if he goes into this thinking he's going to get out of dancing entirely he's going to be in for a very large shock"  actually shocks me.  It says to me it is too bad how he feels about this, how he dreads this, he is just going to have to suck it up because you and the moms said so.  I honestly am appalled at the statement.

  
  

  In 21 years together I have never danced with my DH. I would LOVE to dance with him, but not at the cost of his comfort and I would never make him feel awkard or embarrassed.  Dancing makes him feel that way and apparently it does for your FI also.  Otherwise, why would he have left his Christmas party early due to feeling so bad?

  
  

  DH danced with his DD at her wedding because she didn't realize how uncomfortable and embarrassed it makes him.  He made me swear not to tell her.  Needless to say, we didn't order any of those pictures because he looks terrified.

  
  

  This is one of the most important events of his life.  Do you want him to dread it and remember it with anything less than joy?  If so, keep up with your idea of " if he goes into this thinking he's going to get out of dancing entirely he's going to be in for a very large shock."

  
  

  From your description, you not dancing will not be nearly as bad as making him dance in front of everyone.

  Report0 Reply
• MrsGandthebeag member

  

  January 2013 edited January 2013

  I see KM's point, but don't necessarily agree.  Would he be more comfortable if you guys invited others to join after one minute of the song?  I think you could do the middle school sway back and forth and he could deal.  It doesn't have to be a huge production.  

  Report0 Reply
• AdeleDazeem member

  

  January 2013

  My reaction to this post is exactly what kmmsg said.  I was feeling very badly for the fiancé whose feelings are being completely run over by others in the name of the wedding industry. 
  If the guy doesn't want to dance, why is the bride/mom's need to dance more important?

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• bunni727 member

  

  January 2013 edited January 2013

  Kmmsg and Joy have said it exactly. I've been trying to phrase a response for a little while, but they did a much better job.
  
  The helpful suggestions others have given would be great if he wanted to dance, but was just nervous about it. This sounds like he clearly does not want to, and the anxiety is much more extreme for him. There is asolutely no reason he should have to dread his wedding day or "deal with it."
  
  Please don't try to force him to dance at your wedding. Maybe you could play your song in the hotel room, and could dance together privately.

  

  Report0 Reply
• SB1512 member

  

  January 2013

  FI and I both agreed no first dance.  We both hate dancing, and we have no desire to have as many as 200 guests staring as us.  What we are doing instead in an anniversary dance.  After cocktail hour ends, the DJ will invite all married couples up before sitting for dinner.  After 20 seconds or less the DJ will announce, "Ok anyone who has been married less than an hour exit the dance floor."  This will be me and Fi (or H at that point).  So, we'll dance long enough for photographer to get a few shots, but we won't be alone, and we won't have everyone staring.  At the end, the couple who is left standing is the one married the longest and they will be given my toss bouquet.  Our parents were flipping out when we told them we are not doing a first dance and this seemed to be a good compromise.

  Report0 Reply
• melb2013 member

  

  January 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_no-first-dance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:78e6e674-e10b-4378-aebe-b4a2892d4833Post:c16ff307-c906-46df-a595-003275579d13">Re: No First Dance :(</a>:
  [QUOTE]I see KM's point, but don't necessarily agree.  <strong>Would he be more comfortable if you guys invited others to join after one minute of the song?</strong>  I think you could do the middle school sway back and forth and he could deal.  It doesn't have to be a huge production.  
  Posted by MrsGandthebeag[/QUOTE]<div>
  </div><div>This is what we're planning on doing, not so much because we're uncomfortable dancing, but more because I think guests don't like standing around watching others dance.  We're not good dancers, but we'll make a gallant effort at the middle school sway. 
  
  </div><div>If your FI is truly uncomfortable with it, don't do it.  I really don't think it's a big deal and I don't think people will notice that you skipped it.</div>

  May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations

  

  

  Report0 Reply
• JoanE2012 member

  

  January 2013

  You don't have to know how to dance to do a first dance.  Just stand there, hold each other, shuffle your feet so you move around slowly in a circle, look into each others eyes, and talk to each other. Then you can have the DJ have all couples come onto the floor halfway through.
  
  Ask him to practice at home in your living room.  If he still doesn't want to do it, then let it go.  It's really not that big of a deal.  I'd never make my H do something he didn't want to do.
  
  

  Report0 Reply
• Dreamergirl8812 member

  

  January 2013 edited January 2013

  I would try to talk him into the middle school sway. We're doing the middle school sway and I love to dance. But most likely we'll just stand there, talk, and remember to sway every once in awhile. But talk to him about it NOW. Practice for it NOW. If after that conversation he says no, then respect his wishes. Maybe spend the first dance with your dad? I bet it would be a huge honor for him.
  
  ETA: And either way, tell your mom and his that a dance with him is not an option. 2 minutes of swaying with you is one thing, but dancing with mothers is a whole different level of awkwardness if he's not into it.

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  

  Report0 Reply
• pink34562000 member

  

  January 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_no-first-dance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:78e6e674-e10b-4378-aebe-b4a2892d4833Post:1acfadea-de34-4791-a153-95769ce86078">No First Dance :(</a>:
  [QUOTE]My Fiance really does not want to be anywhere near involved in a first dance. It's mainly based from his self-consciousness, he doesn't think he can dance so he's never seriously tried. Granted when it's just me and him he'll do a goofy little jig to get laughs out of me but that's it. If I bring up dancing his mood drops. He feels bad whenever we're at a bar and I don't dance because he won't come with me. He even had us leave his company's Christmas party early because he felt so bad.  The reason the first dance is so important to me is I'm a very traditional kind of person and the majority of my family is as well. I also know his mother and mine are going to demand a dance with him so if he goes into this thinking he's going to get out of dancing entirely he's going to be in for a very large shock. I wish I could suggest that we take a class, learn 1 dance together and practice our asses off (pardon the language) but we're a wedding on a budget. We'll be footing the majority of the bill and dance lessons just seem like they would be so expensive.  Any suggestions on how I can convince the man to dance with me?
  Posted by megansadosky[/QUOTE]
  
  My FI wasn't a dancer either, so we took group dance lessons together and learned swing. This gave both of us confidence to dance in front of our guests. Even after the wedding, we are still taking swing dance lessons and love it.
  
  Group dance lessons are so much cheaper than individual dance lessons. See if there is a groupon or living social deal in your area for couple's dance lessons. Also, we tried a few different studios to find economical dance classes.

  Report0 Reply
• kmmssg mod

  

  January 2013

  For my husband, the middle school sway would be NO different than some choreographed dance.  A first dance is like a bridal shower - they aren't an entitlement, especially if they make someone very very uncomfortable.

  Report0 Reply
• acanon526 member

  

  January 2013

  My fiancé and I are in the same boat, so I feel your disappointment. If its something you have dreamed about, it can be hard to let go of the idea. I like the suggestions of having other people on the dance floor, so it draws less attention. Even this idea was too much for my guy. We compromised and decided we would do a "last dance" instead. He will be "loosened up" and most likely some of our guests will have already left. And we have picked out the perfect song to end the night (Sam Cooke's That's Where it's At). It's not as traditional, but it works for us. Unfortunately, you may have to accept the fact that your fiancé would be miserable and focus on other parts of the night you are looking forward to.

  Report0 Reply
• SerenaWashington

  

  January 2013

  Don't simply discount dance lessons. You would not have to choreograph a routine (and no instructor worth anything would give challenging choreography to a beginner who is obviously nervous), you two could just learn some very basic steps. 

  
  

  I am not a professional dance instructor, but my best friend is. Many couples feel more comfortable on any dance floor because once they know the basic steps, they can dance to many, many songs. 

  
  

  You may want to consider checking Craigslist or WyzAnt Tutoring for people in your area who can give you a few lessons if you really can't afford a studio. Or find a salsa or swing dancing night that gives lessons before the open dancing begins (although this can be more intimidating). 

  
  

  Having said all of that, you don't want to make your fiance unhappy if he really doesn't want to dance--it's his day too. But if you two decide to try doing a dance, a few lessons will build his confidence. 

  Report0 Reply