BM Vent

URIsweethearts · July 2012

hi all -
so i have an MOH, and 2 BMs. MOH has been really wonderful. a great friend. totally involved and awesome. 1 BM is my brother's girlfriend- again, totally great- considering her and brother have only been together 1.5 years and the wedding planning is her first time meeting a lot of family, esp. extended family. so again, great. last BM - welllll...she is sucking big time and i am getting annoyed. she is a good friend of FI's from middle school and i asked her to be in the wedding since this girl is like a sister to him. i should mention she is from NJ, currently living in DC and the other BMs are from RI and Mass, so obvi closer to me living here in RI. she didn't come for the fittings and dress choosing - ok fine - its a lot to come from DC just to give measurements - but then didnt come for my shower here (im having another one in NJ in a few weeks that FMIL is throwing for her family down there) or my bachelorette - apparently when she told my mom and MOH that she would come - she bailed last minute on both of those events. i call her, no call back, emails - same thing. its like- i want her to be involved but she doesnt seem to care. FI is getting annoyed with her at this point too. he is not that close with her anymore - so I am really stuck. if she doesnt come to this shower in NJ - since she is from there- and was supposed to help plan it - even though she didnt and FMIL told me she did the whole thing, then i dont know what to do. with 7 weeks to go - could i pull her from the wedding? it would be so awkward but she hasnt done anything- not that im saying you need to come to shower and parties and spend money but at least call and answer emails. also dont post on facebook that you and your bf are out every weekend at dinner and clubs and going on vacation - if you "have no money" as she clams as her reason for not being able to come here to participate in these events. its not like we even did an extravagent bach party -we got our nails done and went to dinner. ugh. so annoyed. and my MOH and BM are annoyed with her too - its not fair to them or me.

celticmyss · July 2012

Honestly, I wouldn't travel out of town for showers or a b party if I was closer to the groom than the bride. That doesn't excuse her lack of communication though.

What does your FI say about all this? If it is his friend than he should have some major input into how the situation is handled. If you kick her out of the wedding it will be his relationship with her that is ruined.

QueerFemme · July 2012

Hmmm. well, although I think it would be nice for her to come, or at least not say she was coming and then not show up, I really do agree that her only job is to show up at the wedding in her dress.

I also think it's important to try not to be overly judgy on what she spends her money on, even if she is using "i'm broke" as the reason she can't come. Her idea of broke may be different than yours. Often, I say "I'm broke", but that means I don't have money to spend on "extras". And going out to dinner isn't an "extra" to me most of the time. That's part of my normal routine.

Removing someone from a bridal party for not showing up to the b-party is a friendship ending move, and in reality, it doesn't sound like she has done anything "wrong". She just didn't participate to the level you would have hoped for.

Pinkstarshine1 · July 2012

My question is...if your FI and this girl aren't even that close anymore...why did you put her in the wedding? Do you even really know her? You should have people that are close to YOU in your wedding party. Now, if your FI had a sister or a really good friend he was still close to (and you got along and you liked each other, because that's a big deal), I could understand that. But ultimately, your bridal party should be made up of people who have special places in your life who you know care enough about you to be supportive (within reason, though...bridesmaids seem all too often to be treated like hired help, lol).

Sorry, I got a little off-track because I was curious about the situation...just wondering if it really made sense for you to put her in your bridal party. Anyway, I think it would be a little rude to drop her from the wedding at this point. It's like un-inviting someone to a party after you have already extended the invitation to them. It's kind of a hard situation, though because I do agree that she is making things difficult for you and the rest of the people involved. Like celticmyss above me said, though...your FI should have some input since it's his friend. I do agree that her lack of communication is a little nervy and because she doesn't seem to be all that responsive to you, your mom or the rest of the bridal party, try getting your FI to contact her a little bit more. Since she is his close friend, maybe she will be a little better at responding to him.

ameliakwatson · July 2012

I totally get how you feel and I think have every right! Idk why people feel like being in a wedding is no big deal, and even though she is friends with FI she is in the bridal party and does need to communicate with YOU. Even if she can't go and makes stuff up, she needs to make it be known to you and not everyone else, just my opinion. Very rude.

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