Need Advice: Wedding Gifts or Lack Thereof....

ashleyantonelli · August 2010

Desperately seeking Perspective....

I am a newlywed, married 2 weeks ago at a destination wedding......Yeah!!!!

All is well except......the gifts. Or lack thereof from my "good friends"????

Let me explain.

Save the Dates(with wedding website info, which included....the registry) went out at the end of January......In February, Wedding Invites went out. These gals were sooooo excited for me and wanted to know all the details(please note, these girls don't hang out with each other, so these are all seperate incidents).

We received responses from all invited guests except from 5 people---my "good" friends.

I got a Facebook response from 1, two I work with and got face to face "nos", and phone calls from the rest......no response cards, even though they were included, pre-stamped, with invites.....but I digress.

None could attend----One pregnant, One didnt "want to go alone", 3 had "alot of weddings to go to in the US".......Totally get it.....Destination weddings are great, but pricey to attend.....also, you normally have to use some of your vacations days......I wasn't surprised that the key pals couldn't attend and truly was fine with it.

Wedding was lovely, beautiful and all things good.....but.....when we returned home though........No gifts, No cards from these gals.

These are people I sent gifts to for special life events, attending their weddings, helped planned their baby showers.......I mean, I don't need the $50 vase,....how about a hand written card? The cheap gravy boat????

I get money is tight.....It was a challenge to pay for it and continue paying for it.....

We ended up posting a few pics on Facebook after wedding for all to see and got the "cute" comments from the ladies......but how about the etiquette and formal well wishes???

To add more fuel to the fire, people whom I didn't invite sent gifts, cards, etc....and my husband's friends and family, all from Europe & Austraila, were really generous and thoughtful.

I really feel like Ive gotten a slap in the face from some key people in my life......Am I insane????

How do I approach this(if at all) when they want to get together and "hear all about the wedding"........Oh Vey....Basically, at the end of the day, my feelings are hurt....Do I pal around with some selfish, "all about me" gals???

Advice, anyone??

banana468 · August 2010

I'd still pal around with them. If the only thing that they didn't do was give a gift then that's not really something you can say is friendship-ending worthy.

And realize that if you just got married two weeks ago, the gifts may be coming. We received wedding gifts months after we got married.

ashleyantonelli · August 2010

Thanks All....the advice really helps....for me it wasn't about the actual, physical gift....more about the etiquette of it all....of course, we will remain friends.....Thanks Again!!!

vsgal · August 2010

Jeebus, entitle much? You are not entitled to gifts, even from your good friends. You're the one that sounds like a "selfish, 'all about me' gal".

I mean, I don't need the $50 vase,....how about a hand written card? The cheap gravy boat???? If this is truly the case, then why are you crying on the boards?

Also, past actions for your friends does not guarantee they will recipocate for your events. Get that idea out of your head and you will be a much more pleasant person.

kayboo1218 · August 2010

In Response to Need Advice: Wedding Gifts or Lack Thereof....:
[QUOTEDo I pal around with some selfish, "all about me" gals??? Advice, anyone??
Posted by ashleyantonelli[/QUOTE]

im not seeing how not giving you a gift makes them "all about me" girls? i agree they could have given you a card, but at least you have friends that are happy for you even if they don't write it down.

when FI and I announced we were getting married one of my friends (who i thought i was close with) let her jealous side get the best of her (her FI left her a month before their wedding about 2 years ago) and made me feel like crap for even mentioning my wedding, let alone asking her to be a BM. soooo you could have ended up with friends like that =/

MNVegas · August 2010

There should never be ANY expectation of gifts!! Whining about not getting gifts IS poor etiquette.

mysticl · August 2010

It sounds like you just got back. Since everyone you invited knew it was a desitination wedding they may have decided to wait to send gifts knowing you wouldn't be home to receive them.

HisCB · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_need-advice-wedding-gifts-lack-thereof?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:d8143e71-e0a2-4b37-be2d-77965f4547c8Post:ae0e7b30-12e4-44f1-8988-85cdd328a3d5">Re: Need Advice: Wedding Gifts or Lack Thereof....</a>:
[QUOTE]A lot of people don't send gifts unless they actually attend the wedding. They probably didn't even think about it.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

this is what i was going to say. i have never sent a gift for someone if i didnt go to the wedding. or a card. just never thought about it.

also, they have already shared their excitement and congradulations with you before the wedding, they probably didnt even think about congradulating you again.

if you want to subtly remind them (which i dont think was your point, you wanted them to want to think of the gift) you can post a comment on facebook, that youre so excited to be getting gifts in the mail every day or so, you never thought people would send gifts if they didnt go to the wedding. it feels like christmas... blah blah blah.

JReidSmith · August 2010

While I agree that you should never have any expectation of a gift, I DO understand your frustration that YOU sent these people gifts for their major milestones and would like them to at least acknowledge yours. (It kind of reminds me of the episode of SATC when her shoes are stolen from her friend's house during a baby shower and the friend refuses to replace them . . . so Carrie "marries" herself and registers at Manolo Blahniks.)

Anyway, I was thinking about this today, actually, in light of the economy, that it kind of sucks that I've shelled out so much money on gifts for weddings of friends and family members (esp. when I was a broke college student), but I'm getting married/starting out during a recession. However, the money I spent was for gifts, NOT investments, and I can't get upset about a lack of return

My friends and family would certainly love to spend a fortune on me if they could, and that's the real gift. And likewise, so would your friends--give them some time before you get upset. You've just spent a few weeks in paradise, but they've been living their real life with real stresses. I'm sure you're on the To Do list--be patient, and I'm sure they'll do something to acknowledge you. If they're anything like me, they're probably waiting for next month's paycheck.

flutgrl1 · August 2010

Honestly....they didn't attend, no card, no gift...they aren't that into you. I had to realize the same thing after my wedding. I realized that there were some people I thought were good friends WEREN'T and then I realized how one sided the friendship had been for a long time (me traveling to them for every event, me calling them...etc) I deleted emails and phone numbers. As sad as it was it was liberating. I never heard from them again.

gottahavashorti · August 2010

The etiquette is that the bride and groom should never feel entitled to receive gifts and those who attend the wedding and choose to give a gift have up to a year to send a gift.

We got cards and gifts from some who didn't attend, and no cards or gifts from some who did attend. I only even noticed that because three gifts had no card or tag indicating who gave it, and we weren't able to narrow it down enough by who hadn't given a gift to write thank you notes for those gifts. They were all still people who love us very much, and we were thrilled that they were able to attend.

You had a destination wedding. They probably didn't realize the cost/time commitment when you initially made that decision, resulting in the initial "yes" and eventual decline. Many people don't send in their RSVP cards, but at least they let you know that they were unable to attend. You didn't have to call them to find out whether they were attending after the RSVP date.

It's okay to be disappointed that you didn't get a card or a congratulations, but you need to let it go.

MVJP10 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_need-advice-wedding-gifts-lack-thereof?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:d8143e71-e0a2-4b37-be2d-77965f4547c8Post:fc084955-bde1-42d5-a000-c49cdc803d58">Re: Need Advice: Wedding Gifts or Lack Thereof....</a>:
[QUOTE], I DO understand your frustration that YOU sent these people gifts for their major milestones and would like them to at least acknowledge yours.
Posted by JReidSmith[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>But gifts should not be tit for tat. The OP sounds whiny, get over it already. No sense in getting all butthurt.

</div>

marlina10 · September 2010

Why is everyone who answers questions so bitchy on this site? Over and over, I see brides asking questions and most of the answers are other brides telling them they are "tacky" or "selfish" or just saying other plain rude things. Is this how people raise their self-esteem on a daily basis, by coming on here and trying to make other brides feel stupid? Jesus, all she asked was advice on how to react to a situation with her friends...

JReidSmith · September 2010

Thanks for saying something, Marlina! I was thinking the same thing!

banana468 · September 2010

What's with pulling up dead threads to insult the people who gave advice?

megandjay · September 2010

I think that some people feel if they don't attend the event they don't need to send a gift. Nothing you can do about that. Just let it go and move on.

GB520 · July 2013

My cousin had a destination wedding in Vegas and. I know for a fact that the only wedding gifts received were from our family members. I was floored when she told me this bc people were gambling money away. I thought maybe it was southern thing because I think that's unheard of up here. Take everyone in these threads with a grain of salt some are brutal. I agree w/ Marlina. But sometimes people actually are ignorant to the etiquette and honestly don't know which is why I think these boards were created.

misshart00 · July 2013

I'm legitimately curious how you found a three year old thread to comment on?

AddieCake · July 2013

Zombies!!!!!

lizandmark2014 · July 2013

I'm with Mystical. They may have waited to send a gift so you could be home to revive it. A card still would have been nice or even an e-mail.

lizandmark2014 · July 2013

Ugh!!!!! ZOMBIE!!!!

GB520 · July 2013

It was on the board... this keeps happening to me. Is my board display set up wrong or something ? =( I think it keeps happening bc people view the thread and it comes up on my board. is there any way to change the settings? I already looked on tech help.

GB520 · July 2013

Thanks. lol I am so glad you helped!!

Need Advice: Wedding Gifts or Lack Thereof....

Re: Need Advice: Wedding Gifts or Lack Thereof....

Choose Another Board

Search Boards