Adjusting to having in laws

sweet_melissa81 · March 2012

Is anyone else having a hard time adjusting to having in laws? I always told myself I would not be the type to hate my in laws and I don't, but I've honestly loved the fact that they've been down in Florida the last 3 months. It's never awful when I'm around them, but I find myself dreading spending time with them. Is this normal? Or am I just an evil bitch? Please be honest with me! I need to hear the truth!

I am also struggling with having a brother in law and future sister in law (someday). My brother in law has a really weird personality. He has a phd in physics and reminds of the guys from The Big Bang Theory, but better looking. He can be funny, rude, and then he can get very quiet and stand offish. His moods are unpredictable. You could get a nice guy or you could get an asshole.

I have always dated people with older siblings who weren't terribly close with the person I was dating. I've never really had to deal with siblings or usually they were super easy on me because they're were 10+ years older than me. So, this is new for me.

I am hoping that in time things will change, but I am worried that down the road tension and resentment is going to build up. I really don't want that!

Shelly527IN · March 2012

I'm very blessed---I LOVE FI's parents! They live 3 hours away, but we visit every holiday weekend. We have gotten along great from the beginning. FI said I'm the only girlfriend his mom has liked. He also said his dad rarely talks to people he doesn't know (I'm the same way), but we struck up a conversation right off the bat without any problem. I feel like I've known them all my life. I get along with them better than I do most of my own family (my mom and dad excluded). His sister can be a pill. She's moody and sometimes barely speaks to FI or me for the whole weekend we are at his paremts'. She lives 7 hours away so it's more of a problem for FI than me. My sister is worse and lives closer!

Zimsgirl · March 2012

I cant stand FMIL and do not trust her whatsoever. I also don't like FSIL but FFIL is super nice and I love him.

Renew2 · March 2012

You'll learn to adjust. Don't worry it's just a new family dynamic and as long as you somewhat get along you'll start to look forward to spending time together. DH has a cousin who "lives" with us when he's not trucking, so about two weeks ever four months or so he's at our home 24/7. I like the guy, don't get me wrong, but there are some days that I don't want to spend time with him at all. But you suck it up because your an adult and these are other adults that your SO cares about very much.

julbgordo · March 2012

I'm very lucky to be marrying into a really great family. FMIL is awesome. FBIL and FSIL are both a bit older then me, but their son who is 6 helps bridge the gap.

Why do you dread spending time with your future in-laws? Maybe try to go into it with a different attitude and see what happens.

diamondx423 · March 2012

In Response to Re:Adjusting to having in laws:[QUOTE]I cant stand FMIL and do not trust her whatsoever. I also don't like FSIL but FFIL is super nice and I love him. Posted by Zimsgirl[/QUOTE]

This. Except FFIL can be a gossip. I also have FBIL and his wife and baby that I love. I met them first because they were "normal".

I don't think you're being a bitch. I have serious dread going to see them every 2-3 months. I make myself sick over it; and its rarely as bad of a visit as I think it will be.

Edit: I wish that dash didn't disappear, we see them every 2 to 3 months, not 23 months. I wish visits were 2 years apart.

peachykeen26 · March 2012

I think it would be a little weird if you didn't have some sort of difficult feelings towards them. I am sure FI feels the same about yours. However, I also think that its because you don't see them enough so you get anxious. It may not be hate or bad feelings, just nerves.

I think that over time, the feelings will change and a great relationship will develop if you allow it to.

I am so blessed that I LOVE my FIL's. I live with them, so I better love them!

Jessica632011 · March 2012

I think it's just hard to adjust to it because you are taking on a whole new family! For me It's been great, I love my FIL's, they are great! But I'm a different story because I come from two very dysfunctional families and FIL's will be the most loving and normal family I have, Thank god for them! Since I have met FI family I felt like god sent him to me so I could be a part of his great family! But I can understand were you are coming from I think it can just be stressful to take on someone else family and it will take sometime to get us to it!

melntaitt · March 2012

I love my FILs and I'm really fortunate to be marrying into a great family; they all have their quirks but they're never offensive or demeaning. They have their moments - example, at our engagement party they got me a "close to my registry" item and I thanked them for it, but let them know someone else had already purchased the item but I loved it and wanted to use it at some of the other pre-wedding parties. They took it back and I've never seen it again.

Like I said, nothing major but they definitely have their quirks.

Zimsgirl · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_adjusting-to-having-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:88553ba6-a894-4832-b517-b8f0d0deb0aaPost:28991916-7abf-4bb6-916e-b5dc4fdd062c">Re:Adjusting to having in laws</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Adjusting to having in laws: This. Except FFIL can be a gossip. I also have FBIL and his wife and baby that I love. I met them first because they were "normal". I don't think you're being a bitch. I have serious dread going to see them every 23 months. I make myself sick over it; and its rarely as bad of a visit as I think it will be.
Posted by diamondx423[/QUOTE]
I hate going to see mine as well. When we just see FFIL it's great. He'll have work events near us and we'll do dinner with him. It's also really irritating when we go home and they can't parent his sister. It's like pulling teeth with her to get her to wash her freaking hair! And she actually had the nerve to tell his mom it was her turn to wash dishes and caused a big scene.<div>
</div><div>His mom tries to be her friend and was complaining to me once that she doesn't listen. I just wanted to be like stop trying to be her friend and be a freaking parent</div>

chelseakopperud · March 2012

I am marrying into a wonderful family. We get along great and I am excited to have be part of their family.

HarperBargo · March 2012

I get along great with mine. However, I think part of that is distance (we live in Cincy and FFIL and FBIL with his wife all live in Orlando). We only see them a couple times a year and I usually get treated to a trip to Disney World as well. FFIL loves Epcot but no one will go with him so when I visit he has an excuse

Also another thing that helps is that FI has lived away from home for over 10 years and has done his own thing. So no one really medals in his life. We both have only one younger sibling and we are each super close to them so that makes it a lot easier in understanding that relationship.

The only minor issue I have come up against is my FBIL and FSIL are expecting their first child also in June. All I hear is baby talk and how we need to move to Orlando to be "hands-on" aunt and uncle. I have also gotten pressure from them to have a baby ASAP so our children can grow up together. This ticks me off. We are not moving to Orlando and I'm not having children soon. Both FI and I are on the same page with everything but it gets super annoying that they try to bully us in to having children. Luckily FFIL agrees with us and takes my side in this matter.

I think it has to be harder for FI because my family lives in town and I have a huge family so he has had to adjust.

AlliJae · March 2012

I think those are normal feelings because it is a big adjustment for all parties involved to adjust to new family dynamics. Overtime, I think you will feel more comfortable around them.

I think it's okay not to be BFFs with the in-laws, but I do think it's important to get along with them. Afterall, you aren't just marrying your Fi you are also marrything the whole family!

sweet_melissa81 · March 2012

My fil are nice people, but they can be very selfish. They have to have things their way and when things aren't the way they want them to be they make a big, huge fuss. So, I get super anxious about what they'll bring up next. Plus, there are myriad of other things that I'm worried about that might happen, but haven't yet happened.

I'm just going to have to pray that things get better and that I can calm down a bit.

The only thing my fmil has helped with is to bring up conflict. She had a fit that we wanted to leave before July 3rd (she has a huge party every year) and our wedding date is June 30th, but both of us wanted to go on our honeymoon right away as we can't leave our jobs more than two weeks and we wanted a long honeymoon because we work a lot and don't get any time off throughout the year.
Then she made us look for a rabbi who would marry us even though we're interfaith and no one would except for one who was so terrible and wasn't even the same sect is fiance.

Then we both decided we wanted to raise the children Christian (my religion) and she was upset because she thought whe was going to be the one responsible for her grandkids religion. She wanted them to be Jewish, but didn't think I needed to convert, but just stay Christian while my children and husband were all Jewish.

I'm sure when we have kids that will come up again. It's like a never ending cycle of bs.

daria24 · March 2012

I am very lucky to have my in-laws, they are very good people. However they do drive me INSANE sometimes. They are very paranoid. If I say "I've been running outside lately" they have a million fears. "Don't run in Central Park! You'll get attacked like the Central park Jogger! You'll get dehydrated! You'll get sunburned" You'll twist your ankle! you'll have a heart attack like that guy I heard about." It gets exhausting. I definitely grew up with parents who were the complete opposite.

No matter how wonderful your new family is, there are always differences that you have to adjust to. Any time I get annoyed that my FFIL always touches me on the cheek like I'm a 5 year old child (seriously WTF IS UP WITH THAT?!) I just thank god he isn't like some of the FIL's I've read about on TK.

janeash · March 2012

I get along pretty well with my future in-laws......they are pretty similar to my parents. One thing I always have trouble with is their timing of things. They are Australian and they really do everything on their own time, which is fine most of the time, but if you are trying to organize something (like a wedding!!), it can get a bit frustrating. it just takes soooo long to get everything organized and done!!

As for FBIL & FSIL, I really like them both. FBIL's fiance is amazing and she's a really good friend, but I feel like we are always competing, especially since we are all so close in age. She was really upset when we got engaged first (because they've been together longer...I totally understand her point of view) and I know it's just going to be a big competition for who has the first grandchild.

Skittles612 · March 2012

I get along with the inlaws pretty well. They don't do a lot of family things so I get a free pass for a lot of things. I think it is definately more difficult for FI as we do EVERYTHING together as a family (it bothers me sometimes as well). I love his siblings and his mom is nice to me.

The only problem that I have with the inlaws is FFIL. He comes up to "help" FI with farming stuff and ends up staying for months at a time. By itself this would be bothersome but he is kinda an alcoholic (he has quit 2 times in life including going to rehab once) and is very rude when he is drunk. He has very old fashion ideas about women's roles in life. Although I talk to FI about it, he doesn't like to get in the middle because then he won't get the help from his dad. Grr, I'm getting frustrated just thinking about it!

Nindakay · March 2012

My FILs are pretty amazing! I am very lucky to be marrying in to such a wonderful family.

There are soem family dynamic issues I have to be careful of FMIL is very senstative if I say anything (sarcastic....I am SO SARCASTIC!!) that soudns like a jab at my FI - such as saying "you are such a brat!" when he is teasing me about that. One time, she compared me to his ex-wife (a real piece of work, let me tell you!!) and that made me very upset. But I have to learn to be less sarcastic around them, which isn't a bad thing to begin with.

Just take some time - adjustments are awkward, but it will slowly get better.

HANG IN THERE!!

kelsey+brandon · March 2012

I'm having a hard time adjusting too, Melissa.

FI's parents/family are very nice people, but we're all just extremely different. Take that and the fact that I feel like they ignore FI/take his awesomeness for granted, and it's just not a good combination. FSIL had her now 10 1/2 year old son when she was 19 and FI was 16. Since then, his parents have done anything and everything for their grandson and assumed that FI could take care of himself. FI is very driven and has been pretty successful so far, but that doesn't mean he doesn't need his parent's support, love, and encouragement.

It just really bugs me that FI will text his mom something and she won't respond until the next day when FI calls to talk to her about it. FI also wants me to have a better relationship with FMIL, but it's really hard. She'll text me the same thing every day. Hi, hope you have a good day, etc. Things like that. If I respond with questions or try to tell her what's going on in the planning process, she'll call FI and ask what I'm talking about. She thought our 3-tier wedding cake was for the rehearsal dinner!!!

sweetcanadian1979 · March 2012

My fiances parents are awesome. Some of the siblings/wives on the other hand...... i think they can be a bit fake, but i guess i can be too since i keep my mouth shut.

He loves my mom & gets along great with her. My dad (who happens to be the one that lives here, my mom is 2000km away) he barely knows but he gets along with him too.

Megbo2012 · March 2012

My in laws will be an hour away. FMIL calls a few times a week, but I don't fnd it annoying. She emails me too, it's really nice. I've never had a boyfriends family dislike me, most have LOVED me. One family didn't like the idea of me because they thought I was a distraction (ha!)

FMIL is also a gifted avid runner. So we have a lot in common. We are both kind of low key, so when I registered for fine china it seemed like she side-eyed it because it was so expensive! I felt the same way though. Then who got the china for the shower? FMIL and her sister and mother. It was so nice!

FI and my mom get along very well too. She loves him, he loves her. They have what you'd call a mutually exclusive relationship? He helps her with technology and she makes him quilts and food. haha.

midgetthemighty · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_adjusting-to-having-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:88553ba6-a894-4832-b517-b8f0d0deb0aaPost:ddac5b62-b677-4f19-9129-2220123fa3fe">Re: Adjusting to having in laws</a>:
[QUOTE]I am marrying into a wonderful family. We get along great and I am excited to have be part of their family.
Posted by chelseakopperud[/QUOTE]

Ditto. I love all of my FILs. FFIL already calls me his daughter.

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