Skipping the Parent Dances

em01092 · February 2012

So long story short, we decided to nix the parent dances because my dad isn't a big dancer, and FMIL has just been ridiculous about everything as of late. Even before all of this hooplah started, she was irritated because she and FI would not be doing some kind of "showy" dance like she sees on TV/YouTube videos her friends send her. FI does not dance, so they would have been doing the 6th grade sway anyway. Same with my dad and I. FI and I are not even doing anything "showy." We're just slow dancing. A few turns every now and then. Woooo.
Anyone else skipping them? I'm kind of sad about it, but at the end of the day, I think it was a good choice. Don't you think it'd be weird for me to do a dance with my dad and for FI not to dance with his mom?

chocpop3 · February 2012

We are having this debate as we speak I am having to father to walk me down should have 2 father dances? and 2 mother dances

em01092 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_skipping-the-parent-dances?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:0c410eaa-2939-4b69-b18b-d97ec694e348Post:a6144220-6249-4a43-9788-d33ea9c5e911">Re: Skipping the Parent Dances</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Skipping the Parent Dances : No but if the only reason you're skipping it is because FI doesn't really dance she might be upset. Especially if you're still doing your first dance and the FD dance.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

<div>As of right now, the plan is just to do FI and I's first dance. I don't know if you remember the crazy emails she sent me (I posted them on E), but yeah, none of that has gotten any better. FMIL is not speaking to us, and when FI talked to his mom about how she treated me, it did not go over well. He still has my back about everything 100% and thinks she is being ridiculous. So FI didn't really want to dance with his mom because of all her craziness, and she feels the same way. </div>

em01092 · February 2012

Also, before all of the craziness started, way back like 7 months ago we all talked about the dances, and she said we were lame for not doing something jazzy and upbeat. We had picked our song for us to dance to, and it was not to her liking. She showed us some YouTube clips of funny/upbeat wedding dances (like the F/D who start out to Buttefly Kisses and then do all sorts of crazy dances) and then tried to talk FI into something up tempo for the two of them, but FI wasn't having it. He doesn't dance like that (neither does my dad).

She said the dances would be boring to do and for the guests to watch if everyone just slow dances. I get that, and she has a valid point, but FMIL lives 3 hours away and works. Neither she nor FI could just drop everything to choreograph some elaborate dance like she is wanting.

Plus, FI wants to slow dance. He and I are doing some turns and dips, but the song we chose has meaning to us and it's not something you can really do anything but slow dance to.

AurorasEnvy · February 2012

Does your father & FMIL know about this? I have a feeling if you haven't already spoken about this to them, they (especially your FMIL) might be really upset. I read a post awhile ago on the "wedding recap" board where they did the father/daughter but skipped the mother/son - apparently the bride thought that this had all been straightened out beforehand, but apparently the FMIL had no idea and was absolutely furious (IE, made a scene and ruined the wedding for her) when they skipped it. And FMIL was still furious about it & completely upset about it still months after the wedding.

If your FMIL is making a big deal about you & your FI's dance, I really think she'd be upset skipping her dance altogether. I know your FI "doesn't dance", but you have to remember that your wedding is a big day for her, too - I think he can suck it up for 2 minutes to slow dance with his mother.

And I think it would be weird to have a daughter/father and not mother/son dance, FWIW. I don't know if I know any mother that would be okay skipping the mother/son dance even if all the parent dances are skipped, much less skipping it when the father/daughter dance still takes place.

jessicabessica · February 2012

I think it's fine not to have the father/daughter and mother/son dances, but if you wanted to have them, one option would be to have your DJ cut the songs down to a minute or less--enough time for a few pictures and to have the experience, but not so long that it's agony for the dancers and boring for the guests.

I really think that these spotlight dances can be boring for guests, even if they're a faster tempo. Is your FI ok with dancing with his mom at some point during the wedding during open dancing, not as a spotlight dance? Perhaps that can be a compromise for her.

As for your FMIL's criticism of your music choices, just say thanks for your opinion and change the subject.

ETA: I would not do the father/daughter dance but not the mother/son in your case. It sounds like your FMIL would be hugely offended by that, and it just does not sound like it's worth it.

em01092 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_skipping-the-parent-dances?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:0c410eaa-2939-4b69-b18b-d97ec694e348Post:acb81500-71a7-4ad0-b162-e638cad070cd">Re: Skipping the Parent Dances</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Does your father & FMIL know about this? </strong> I have a feeling if you haven't already spoken about this to them, they (especially your FMIL) might be really upset. I read a post awhile ago on the "wedding recap" board where they did the father/daughter but skipped the mother/son - apparently the bride thought that this had all been straightened out beforehand, but apparently the FMIL had no idea and was absolutely furious (IE, made a scene and ruined the wedding for her) when they skipped it. And FMIL was still furious about it & completely upset about it still months after the wedding. If your FMIL is making a big deal about you & your FI's dance, I really think she'd be upset skipping her dance altogether. I know your FI "doesn't dance", but you have to remember that your wedding is a big day for her, too - I think he can suck it up for 2 minutes to slow dance with his mother. And I think it would be weird to have a daughter/father and not mother/son dance, FWIW. I don't know if I know <strong>any mother that would be okay skipping the mother/son dance even if all the parent dances are skipped, much less skipping it when the father/daughter dance still takes place.</strong>
Posted by AurorasEnvy[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Sorry I didn't make this more clear. Yes, FI called his dad today, because FMIL is not speaking to us, to ask about a few WR things. This was one of them, so FFIL asked FMIL, and she said she does <strong>not </strong>want to do the dance. She is still very bitter with us over the way things went concerning the guest list. It's such a long story, but basically she is butthurt because some of her friends are not invited to the wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>So essentially FI and FMIL want to skip their dance because their relationship is strained right now. The whole "FI and my father don't dance" thing was just sort of another reason not to, but not the main reason. Sorry if I was confusing. </div><div>
</div><div>ETA: Everything that was said about FI and I's dance was old, from before all hell broke loose. </div><div>
</div><div>And my father couldn't give two craps about anything WR and he hates dancing, so he is relieved he doesn't have to dance, but he would have if I wanted it. He says to tell him where to be and when to be there. He did say he was happy I asked for him to walk me down the aisle, but that was all he really seemed to have a slight opinion on. Even then, he said if I hadn't wanted it and wanted to walk alone, he would have respected my decision.

</div>

Queen Jane · February 2012

Ya, that's me that PP was talking about. I knew that H planned to skip the dance with MIL, it was his call. Apparently she made a stink about it that night, cursed in front of some people and had to be consoled by some of H's friend's. I didn't know the details til days later, just that she had disappeared to sulk for a bit. Honestly, with the way she is, I guess it's the best case reaction she could have had. She did sit down with us two weeks after the wedding to express her dismay with that and two other things that were beyond our control (a mix up with the corsages by the doc and her not being mentioned in one of the speeches given by H's stepbrother). H gave her his reasoning and she stormed out because it wasn't what she wanted to hear. That's just how she is and I'm sure she's still butthurt about it. We don't have a great relationship, so there's that. My advice would be to make sure she knows. Not through other people, but have FI actually talk to her about it. She might say she's ok with it but when the time comes, who knows. Good luck with her though, I've seen sone of the posts, she sounds like a peach.

em01092 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_skipping-the-parent-dances?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:0c410eaa-2939-4b69-b18b-d97ec694e348Post:c83f05b4-fd01-4c2b-9a28-4a632e5fd7f3">Re: Skipping the Parent Dances</a>:
[QUOTE]Ya, that's me that PP was talking about. I knew that H planned to skip the dance with MIL, it was his call. Apparently she made a stink about it that night, cursed in front of some people and had to be consoled by some of H's friend's. I didn't know the details til days later, just that she had disappeared to sulk for a bit. Honestly, with the way she is, I guess it's the best case reaction she could have had. She did sit down with us two weeks after the wedding to express her dismay with that and two other things that were beyond our control (a mix up with the corsages by the doc and her not being mentioned in one of the speeches given by H's stepbrother). H gave her his reasoning and she stormed out because it wasn't what she wanted to hear. That's just how she is and I'm sure she's still butthurt about it. We don't have a great relationship, so there's that. My advice would be to make sure she knows. <strong>Not through other people, but have FI actually talk to her about it. </strong>She might say she's ok with it but when the time comes, who knows. Good luck with her though, I've seen sone of the posts, she sounds like a peach.
Posted by Queen Jane[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Omg that's terrible! I'm so sorry that happened, and that she blamed you for things beyond your control. =/</div><div>
</div><div>As for the part I bolded, that is a very good point, but I don't know what FI is supposed to do about that if his mother won't talk with him. She has specifically said she doesn't want to talk to either of us right now, so we have to go back to 6th grade and communicate solely with FFIL. </div><div>
</div><div>Thanks for the good luck. I'm going to need it. Btw your sig pic is awesome. It looks like so much fun!

</div>

AurorasEnvy · February 2012

Yeah, then I think you'd be okay to skip both or just do the F/D dance if that is something you'd really like. If FI & FMIL aren't speaking, I'd just communicate via e-mail or something just to ensure that she can't bring up a "well, I was MAD when I said I didn't want to dance with my son, I didn't think he'd be cruel enough to actually cut the dance out "(blah, blah blah, woe is me, etc.) excuse to be mad over it after the fact. Hope everything works out!

Queen Jane, that sucks - obviously I've read a lot of posts between now & then, and that one still sticks with me! Probably because I had the smallest inkling of an idea that we could cut down on "boring dance time" by just having the traditional 1st dance & father/daughter, but I quickly let that idea go =]

Queen Jane · February 2012

Yes, mil is a huge AW and likes to make herself the victim every chance she gets, so this was a real good excuse for her to break put the crazy. Since you've got almost 2 months to go, I would go ahead and do the initial notifying through email (since she seems to like communicating that way). As the wedding gets closer, I'm thinking she'll change her tune about speaking to your FI and at that time maybe he could say something like I just want to make sure you're ok with this, bla bla bla. Even if he just pulls her aside after the RD or something. Best case scenario, she's flattered he thought of her feelings. Worst case, she plays the poor me card. Thanks! It was hands down the best part of our reception, so glad we did it.

theholograms · February 2012

Things may change before the wedding so I would have songs picked out for both just in case. If it makes you sad not to have a father/daughter dance I would do it! Either pick a short song or have your dj shorten a song if you think a longer dance will make your dad uncomfortable. We aren't doing anything 'showy' for our first dance or parent dances and most of the time I don't see this at weddings. If his mother doesn't come around, I don't think it's weird to have a father/daughter dance and not a mother/son dance. I've been to 2 weddings where they only had the mother/son dance because the relationship between my friends (the brides) and their fathers were strained.

You only get to do it once - I can't wait for my father/daughter dance!

Winnertag1 · February 2012

I think we'll be skipping those dances as well, we havent decided on it for sure yet tho.

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