Recently Engaged and confused about planning

Re: Recently Engaged and confused about planning

• Summer2011Bride member

  

  July 2012 edited July 2012

  Were you wanting a smaller ceremony but larger reception? Or just a small guest list overall.
  
  It's OK to have an intimate ceremony if it truly is intimate. So in that regard, I agree with FI. I would say an intimate ceremony is immediate family only. If you start inviting aunts, uncles, etc., it becomes a tiered wedding, which is rude because normally everyone invited to the reception should also be invited to the ceremony. Really the only accepted exception is immediate family only (parents and siblings). So if you want two different guest lists, your FI is right. Keep it to parents/siblings only.
  
  If he just wants a smaller guest list for the whole wedding, then I think it's something you two need to discuss and try to come to some sort of compromise on. If your extended family gets cut from an intimate ceremony or wedding, sure there may be some hurt feelings initially. I would try to cut down on this by not bringing up the wedding with them and as soon as you figure out your guest list for sure, be honest and up front with them. "We're actually having a really small wedding with just our immediate families. We can't wait to get together sometime after the wedding though!"

  
  
  
  
  

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• good2Bqueen13 member

  

  July 2012 edited July 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_recently-engaged-and-confused-about-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:e1a63d42-5623-4fca-8f58-02063c227b58Post:4b2e7dcb-508e-4b5e-ba73-59f6cfa11dbc">Re: Recently Engaged and confused about planning</a>:
  [QUOTE]It's OK to have an intimate ceremony if it truly is intimate. So in that regard, I agree with FI. I would say an intimate ceremony is immediate family only. If you start inviting aunts, uncles, etc., it becomes a tiered wedding, which is rude because normally everyone invited to the reception should also be invited to the ceremony. Really the only accepted exception is immediate family only (parents and siblings). 
  Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>Actually this is incorrect.  There is no such thing as a Tiered Wedding.  There <strong>is </strong>something called Tiered Reception, in which case you invite some guests to say, cocktails only and other guests to cocktails and also the (often more expensive) dinner.  That is rude and you shouldn't do it.</div><div>
  </div><div>You can invite as many guests as you like to your ceremony, but they must ALSO be invited to the reception.  Your ceremony guest list can be as large as you like.  You could even invite 150 people to your ceremony and 155 people to your reception.  Your cermony does not have to be "intimate" to be able to invite added guests to the reception.  There is a misconception that this is gift grabbing, but actually the opposite is true.  Those invited to the reception are in no way obligated to bring/send a gift.  Gifts are given by the those attending the ceremony.  The reception is meant to be a way to entertain your guests and THANK THEM for celebrating with you.  </div>

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• aragx6 member

  

  July 2012 edited July 2012

  ^There's a lot of nonsense in this post, and it doesn't take much to realize it. You invite all but 5 people to the ceremony and you don't think those 5 have any reason to feel snubbed and offended? Good luck with that!
  
  Andplusalso, gifts are never expected or required for any part of the wedding -- ceremony included.

  

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• good2Bqueen13 member

  

  July 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_recently-engaged-and-confused-about-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:e1a63d42-5623-4fca-8f58-02063c227b58Post:c85169de-6304-4a94-b47f-31ef6757b9ba">Re: Recently Engaged and confused about planning</a>:
  [QUOTE]^There's a lot of nonsense in this post, and it doesn't take much to realize it. You invite all but 5 people to the ceremony and you don't think those 5 have any reason to feel snubbed and offended? Good luck with that! Andplusalso, gifts are never expected or required for any part of the wedding -- ceremony included.
  Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>Nonsense or not, etiquette is what it is.  Read a wedding etiquette book, ask a coordinator, ask a stationer, or some one who has been in the wedding business (as was I) prior to the terribly rude invention of the "tiered recepetion".  They will all tell you the same thing.  </div><div>
  </div><div>1) <strong>Obviously </strong>no one is OBLIGATED to gift the couple, however, GUEST ETIQUETTE states that guests invited to the ceremony should gift the couple.  Guest invited to the reception or recieving an announcement only MAY choose to acknowledge the couple with a card or do nothing at all.  However, often guests attending receptions do tend to bring gifts, probably because they are unaware that guest etiquette exempts them from doing so.</div><div>
  </div><div>2)  It is perfectly acceptable to have a PRIVATE ceremony.  Private does not have to mean INTIMATE.  I would have hoped that any one reading my post would have assumed that the numbers I used in the example was an exageration.  </div><div>
  </div><div>3)  As to the guest list for the wedding, etiquette suggests that if you invite one aunt then you would invite all aunts, one 1st Cousin, then you would also invite all 1st Cousins; etc. However, this does not apply accross the aisle.  Meaning if you invite your cousins, it is not necessary for your groom to invite his cousins.  Keep in mind that this rule has become quite lax over the years due to families living so far away.  As in, you may be very close to one 1st cousin but have never met others.</div><div>
  </div><div>4)  The only other rule of etiquette regarding the guest list - and this one is non-negotiable - is that any one invited to the ceremony MUST be invited to the reception.  Any other way and it would be called gift grabbing.</div>

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• j-harvey member

  

  July 2012

  What do you want? Would not having you aunts and uncles be just as painful to you as him not having his grandparents? There's a difference between "only those I would donate a kidney to" and 3 guests each. It's also fine to compromise and do tiny ceremony/big reception, but if you haven't already, I would help for why he wants parents and grandparents only.

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• amyelise25 member

  

  July 2012

  I sort of understand what you are going through. I was the one that started out wanting a small wedding with only parents, sibling, and some aunts/uncles. Then it was eating me up that I was leaving out my first cousins (that I grew up with) all to keep it small. So we changed our plans and FI and I are doing a "medium" sized wedding. Our two sides are very different from each other. Mine is mostly family and a couple of friends. His is mostly friends and a handful of family. We aren't even 50/50 and very happy with our decisions. The point is, you don't have to match him 1 for 1 with family. And if it is really important for you to have all those family members there, talk to him.

  

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