Just ignore me... I just need to vent.

AprilH81 · March 2013

I've been lurking on these boards off and on since September. I've made a few posts here and there and learned a lot... So excuse me while I just vent for a minute and throw myself a pity party. lol

My BF and I have been dating over a year. Around Thanksgiving we decided that when his lease was up (May 2013) he would move into my house and started talking about getting married. He has been married before and isn't crazy about the "wedding" but has no doubts about the actual marriage. I have not been married before and refuse to elope, but I will compromise with a small wedding, even a destination wedding provided that my immediate family (including my sister who just gave birth to twins) can attend.

Around New Year's we pretty much agreed to get married early this summer but I still don't have a proposal. I know he loves me, he says that as much as he would like to elope he says I deserve a wedding if that is what I want. He still talks about the future, is excited about moving in (he is shopping for a few items he wants for my place) but no more mentions about a wedding.

I was brought up with the idea that couples shouldn't live together before marriage. I would still prefer not to, but I can compromise if a ring is on my finger and a wedding is being planned.

I understand this isn't just about me, it is about US, but I'm starting to get my feelings hurt that he hasn't proposed yet. I can't start wedding plans without a formal engagement and even though I am an event planner I don't see how it would even be possible to plan a wedding in 3 months and have it be what I want.

Every time we do something I am on pins and needles wondering "is this it?" Is that normal? I don't want to come off as a bridezilla but my Type A personality is like, lets go do this and his laid back Type B personality probably doesn't have a clue about what I'm going through. After a few discussions back in January I've not brought up the topic because I don't want to guilt him into a proposal.

I've decided that if he doesn't propose this weekend I'm going to find a way to bring up the topic and see what his reaction is. I've kept my mouth shut because I don't want to ruin any surprise he has planned...

Okay, my rant/pity party is over now. Back to your regularly scheduled program.

peekaboo2011 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-ignore-me-i-just-need-to-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7eb0accd-0bf1-442a-ac84-37d9f9d076d2Post:7b3f6053-f78e-4ff0-be25-73f24939e44c">Just ignore me... I just need to vent.</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been lurking on these boards off and on since September. I've made a few posts here and there and learned a lot... So excuse me while I just vent for a minute and throw myself a pity party. lol My BF and I have been dating over a year. Around Thanksgiving we decided that when his lease was up (May 2013) he would move into my house and started talking about getting married. He has been married before and isn't crazy about the "wedding" but has no doubts about the actual marriage. I have not been married before and refuse to elope, but I will compromise with a small wedding, even a destination wedding provided that my immediate family (including my sister who just gave birth to twins) can attend. Around New Year's we pretty much agreed to get married early this summer but I still don't have a proposal. I know he loves me, he says that as much as he would like to elope he says I deserve a wedding if that is what I want. He still talks about the future, is excited about moving in (he is shopping for a few items he wants for my place) but no more mentions about a wedding. I was brought up with the idea that couples shouldn't live together before marriage. I would still prefer not to, but I can compromise if a ring is on my finger and a wedding is being planned. I understand this isn't just about me, it is about US, but I'm starting to get my feelings hurt that he hasn't proposed yet. I can't start wedding plans without a formal engagement and even though I am an event planner I don't see how it would even be possible to plan a wedding in 3 months and have it be what I want. Every time we do something I am on pins and needles wondering "is this it?" Is that normal? I don't want to come off as a bridezilla but my Type A personality is like, lets go do this and his laid back Type B personality probably doesn't have a clue about what I'm going through. After a few discussions back in January I've not brought up the topic because I don't want to guilt him into a proposal. I've decided that if he doesn't propose this weekend I'm going to find a way to bring up the topic and see what his reaction is. I've kept my mouth shut because I don't want to ruin any surprise he has planned... Okay, my rant/pity party is over now. Back to your regularly scheduled program.
Posted by AprilH81[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Maybe you should tell him you're not comfortable with the idea of living together before marriage, or at a minimum, engagement?

</div>

peekaboo2011 · March 2013

ANDPLUSALSO, you've only been dating a year.

Quitcherbitchin.

AprilH81 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-ignore-me-i-just-need-to-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7eb0accd-0bf1-442a-ac84-37d9f9d076d2Post:a2d6842c-3862-4050-9724-ee9a00a766dc">Re: Just ignore me... I just need to vent.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Just ignore me... I just need to vent. : Maybe you should tell him you're not comfortable with the idea of living together before marriage, or at a minimum, engagement?
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>When we were talking about it I told him that my concern about moving in together was that "We would be in the same position 5 years from now.' And he promised it wouldn't come to that. </div><div>
</div><div>I've seen some things that lead me to believe that he is working on getting a ring, I'm just having trouble with the timeline. I'm ready to be married (not just GET married, there is a difference... lol) and maybe start a family. I'm 32 so my eggs aren't going to last forever...</div><div>
</div>

steign · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-ignore-me-i-just-need-to-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7eb0accd-0bf1-442a-ac84-37d9f9d076d2Post:7ebbd653-bd48-4b89-ada5-174879b10158">Re: Just ignore me... I just need to vent.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Just ignore me... I just need to vent. : When we were talking about it I told him that my concern about moving in together was that "We would be in the same position 5 years from now.' And he promised it wouldn't come to that. I've seen some things that lead me to believe that he is working on getting a ring, I'm just having trouble with the timeline. <strong> I'm ready to be married (not just GET married, there is a difference... lol) and maybe start a family. I'm 32 so my eggs aren't going to last forever...</strong>
Posted by AprilH81[/QUOTE]

This statement implies you have been nagging him about marriage. If you stop doing this, and allow him to make the decision when he is truly ready to propose it will happen. From what you have said it does not appear he is against marriage which is good for you.

My BF was married before and I understand him wanting to wait until we lived together (which btw was almost 2 years after we started dating) before propsing. We have not brought up the topic of marriage since moving in the end of January and just last week he said, "Once I finalize my taxes I want to go look for a ring for you." Which was completely out of left field.

You have got to realize people move at their own pace. You cannot force someone in to wanting to do something even though you are ready. I was ready a long time go but, the more I forced the issues the more I was missing out on my relationship with a wonderful guy.

Stick around, we will keep you sane! These ladies have helped me a lot.

ETA: clarity

AprilH81 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-ignore-me-i-just-need-to-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7eb0accd-0bf1-442a-ac84-37d9f9d076d2Post:c7e0043a-763b-427d-9a32-d3dfbcf1de50">Re: Just ignore me... I just need to vent.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Just ignore me... I just need to vent. : This statement implies you have been nagging him about marriage. If you stop doing this, and allow him to make the decision when he is truly ready to propose it will happen. From what you have said it does not appear he is not 100 percent against marriage.
Posted by steign[/QUOTE]

<div>We've not talked about it in over a month (I've been keeping my mouth shut) but he told me a few weeks ago when we were talking about some of my friends getting engaged that if I would agree to elope we would go somewhere that weekend.</div><div>
</div><div>He is ready for a marriage he isn't ready to go through the wedding process again. Evidently his ex-wife (a former pagent girl) went a little crazy and made him go to a bunch of stuff that he had no interest in. He has told me about having to go to 10 different TJ Maxx stores in the area to find enough of a certain vase for the candy bar. He HATES shopping and she didn't care. So in his mind wedding=shopping and other not fun stuff.</div>

kmbryant2413 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-ignore-me-i-just-need-to-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7eb0accd-0bf1-442a-ac84-37d9f9d076d2Post:370a76f2-ef1d-4b2a-96f2-da2a70b468c8">Re: Just ignore me... I just need to vent.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Just ignore me... I just need to vent. : We've not talked about it in over a month (I've been keeping my mouth shut) but he told me a few weeks ago when we were talking about some of my friends getting engaged that <strong>if I would agree to elope we would go somewhere that weekend.</strong> He is ready for a marriage he isn't ready to go through the wedding process again. Evidently his ex-wife (a former pagent girl) went a little crazy and made him go to a bunch of stuff that he had no interest in. He has told me about having to go to 10 different TJ Maxx stores in the area to find enough of a certain vase for the candy bar. He HATES shopping and she didn't care. So in his mind wedding=shopping and other not fun stuff.
Posted by AprilH81[/QUOTE]

<div>Then somebody might want to comporomise, that somebody being you .If you just want to<strong> be</strong> married, then elope and have a reception. He's already said he wants to marry you, and made it quite clear, so you either suck it up and wait for a ring or compromise somewhere. It sounds like you're just being a little impatient, and I understand that especially when you move in it feels like marriage (or at least a proposal) is the next logical step. He's wedding-shy, and I don't blame him. I've been married before, and I'm ready to be married to my BF, but I am in no way wanting the wedding planning part of it, which keeps me from nagging him.</div>

AprilH81 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-ignore-me-i-just-need-to-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7eb0accd-0bf1-442a-ac84-37d9f9d076d2Post:f8434601-a16b-4b21-b843-0542f186b4ca">Re: Just ignore me... I just need to vent.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Just ignore me... I just need to vent. : Then somebody might want to comporomise, that somebody being you .If you just want to be married, then elope and have a reception. He's already said he wants to marry you, and made it quite clear, so you either suck it up and wait for a ring or compromise somewhere. It sounds like you're just being a little impatient, and I understand that especially when you move in it feels like marriage (or at least a proposal) is the next logical step. He's wedding-shy, and I don't blame him. I've been married before, and I'm ready to be married to my BF, but I am in no way wanting the wedding planning part of it, which keeps me from nagging him.
Posted by kmbryant2413[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I told him I would do a small wedding (under 75 and closer to 50 if we can swing it) and/or a destination wedding. I will NOT get married without my parents and sister present. Everything else is up for negotiation and he is aware of that.</div><div>
</div><div>Like I said earlier, I just needed to vent before I head off to spend the weekend with him. I am hoping that getting it written down will allow me to get it off my mind for awhile. :)</div>

s-aries8990 · March 2013

Get it all out here and just don't bring it up this weekend. Give it a few more weeks before bringing it up again and tell him that you're kind of uncomfortable living together without a commitment.

Also, you don't need a "proposal" to be engaged. If you two agree you're engaged then you are. A ring doesn't determine your relationship status.

Good luck!

minskat30 · March 2013

I'm sorry you are feeling so frustrated. What did your boyfriend say when you suggested a wedding of under 75 (which I don't really think is "small" by the way...I'd say 20 people would be small, 60-75 would be medium but that is just my opinion)?

AprilH81 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-ignore-me-i-just-need-to-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7eb0accd-0bf1-442a-ac84-37d9f9d076d2Post:30fe4af7-2b85-4c6f-a8bd-9c9c84bba847">Re: Just ignore me... I just need to vent.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry you are feeling so frustrated. What did your boyfriend say when you suggested a wedding of under 75 (which I don't really think is "small" by the way...I'd say 20 people would be small, 60-75 would be medium but that is just my opinion)?
Posted by minskat30[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>He seemed pretty receptive to a smallish wedding and he did perk up when I told him he could be as involved or not involved as he wanted to be. I don't need his input on the centerpieces if he honestly doesn't care. :)</div><div>
</div><div>I offered up a destination wedding which will also help limit the guest list (again, my parents and sister must be able to attend). We've talked about only having a Maid of Honor and Best Man (no ring bearer, flower girl, etc.). We've talked about guest lists and he will randomly say "We need to make sure to invite my accountant." or other random wedding related item so I probably just need to be more patient. </div><div>
</div><div>I was just sooooo very excited about the possibility of a early summer wedding (a fall wedding is out of the question due to work schedules which increases my "stress" about a lack of a proposal) and now I don't see how it is possible now that it is now March. Again, I'm 32 and for a large part of my adult life I never thought I would find someone I would want to marry. Another 6 months won't kill me...

</div>

motoLyn · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-ignore-me-i-just-need-to-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7eb0accd-0bf1-442a-ac84-37d9f9d076d2Post:7ebbd653-bd48-4b89-ada5-174879b10158">Re: Just ignore me... I just need to vent.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Just ignore me... I just need to vent. : When we were talking about it I told him that my concern about moving in together was that "We would be in the same position 5 years from now.' And he promised it wouldn't come to that. I've seen some things that lead me to believe that he is working on getting a ring, I'm just having trouble with the timeline. I'm ready to be married (not just GET married, there is a difference... lol) and maybe start a family. <strong> I'm 32 so my eggs aren't going to last forever...</strong>
Posted by AprilH81[/QUOTE]

Some of the ladies here were married after they were 32, what I want to stress after reading your responses and everyone else' reply. Is that pushing to get engaged and married because "your eggs aren't getting any younger" is not a reason or realistic train of thought. Your BF sounds like he's leary of hosting a wedding. But for you he compromise for a small one. And yes small being 20 ppl or so. He rather elope and you rather have your family there. SO....... just chill, don't place a deadline on his proposal, in other words don't think you SHOULD or NEED to be engaged before he moves in. If you can't swing a wedding this summer/spring then wait till next year. But if you truly agree to a small wedding then regardless a fall wedding would so very easy to plan. Is your family spread out over the country that they have to fly in? Could taking a Friday off work and getting married the next day be so hard if you only invite immediate family?

You only make it as crazy and stressful as it needs to be. So enjoy your weekend. come back if you feel you need to vent some more and we'll bring you down a couple of notches.

leia1979 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-ignore-me-i-just-need-to-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7eb0accd-0bf1-442a-ac84-37d9f9d076d2Post:24d797e9-5827-4a93-a652-64b880dbd34e">Re: Just ignore me... I just need to vent.</a>:
[QUOTE]ANDPLUSALSO, you've only been dating a year. Quitcherbitchin.
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

I think this is a little harsh, even in jest. Everyone's timeline is different. Unfortunately, OP and her BF don't seem to be on the same timeline, either. Obviously it's not something you want to harp on, nag, or guilt him into, but I do think it's fair to establish expectations and be on the same page.

OP has heard marriage this year, but it doesn't seem like BF is holding to that timeline. Or maybe he thinks you only need a month to do a small wedding. The thing is, OP, I think there's a disconnect and you need a nice calm discussion to understand each other's position. There's too much hinting and not enough direct discussion.

For example, you said you aren't comfortable living together without being at least engaged. You wrote his response (that I can't see right now, so pardon any misquote) that things won't be the same five years from now. Well, sure, but does that mean four years is still fast enough for him but not for you? I think you see where I'm going...there's a lot of room for interpretation in these statements, so I think a clear, rational conversation about your future would be beneficial.

Edited to add: I think it's also fair to say you would like a certain amount of time to plan any future wedding to keep the stress levels manageable. For example, H and I knew we wanted to get married in September even before we got engaged. I told him clearly that I wanted to have one year to plan our wedding, so we got engaged the September before.

cu97tiger · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-ignore-me-i-just-need-to-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7eb0accd-0bf1-442a-ac84-37d9f9d076d2Post:fa0cc37a-542b-4eec-b70b-93c6224f6f78">Re: Just ignore me... I just need to vent.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Just ignore me... I just need to vent. : I was just sooooo very excited about the possibility of a early summer wedding (a fall wedding is out of the question due to work schedules which increases my "stress" about a lack of a proposal) and now I don't see how it is possible now that it is now March. Again, I'm 32 and for a large part of my adult life I never thought I would find someone I would want to marry. Another 6 months won't kill me...
Posted by AprilH81[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm sorry you got your hopes up for a summer wedding that might not happen. But there's always next summer. Or the spring. Or you know, winter. If you're having a destination wedding, you can find a venue that does most of the work for you, so all you really need to do is send invitations and show up. </div><div>
</div><div>I didn't meet my husband until I was 32 years and 10 months old. I TOTALLY get your desire to have kids, but you need to realize that pushing the wedding timeline just because of that will only put unnecessary strain on your BF and stress on you. Relax, enjoy your relationship where it is. Honestly, your ovaries won't be THAT different when you're 33 vs 32.</div><div>
</div><div>Finally, I think you mentioned in your first post that he'll be moving in in May. Why are you stressing about not being engaged by the time that he moves in when it's TWO full months away? Again, relax, grab a glass of wine, and hang out with us. Many of us have been in your shoes and we were able to stay sane with the help of the other ladies here.</div>

Just ignore me... I just need to vent.

Re: Just ignore me... I just need to vent.

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