Please help.

Dchacha413 · January 2012

I've been engaged to my fiance for over a year now and we are planning on getting married next year. He grew up with his dad in the military and I never had any military in my family. He just threw me this curve ball about joining the army. I'm completely depressed.

I respect you ladies and your better half for what you are doing but I need to know how you do it. I don't feel like myself without seeing him for one day, I cant imagine deployments.

Long story short things got bad and he said he wouldn't do this. I thought I would be happy but I'm not because I know if he doesn't do this then he is going to hate me for not letting him, however if he does I'm going to resent him for it.

I want him more then anything and I cant lose him but I feel like regardless of what I do I'm going to lose him.

did any of you feel this way before your boyfriend/ fiance/ husband joined? Does it get better? What do I do?

kyrgyzstan · January 2012

I love having H in the military. Why not get couple's counseling to help work through this? Neither of you should have to be resentful, and I will say that if H told me I couldn't join the military, he wouldn't be my H. But the people who weren't interested in having a wannabe SM as a wife broke up with me, which was good. At the very least, he didn't do this behind your back, he tried to make it a joint decision. I think that's really important in a military relationship, because while it is only his job, it's a job that affects you more than any civilian job.

If you both want to stay together, try counseling before he makes any military commitments.

Dchacha413 · January 2012

I want to be able to do this for him. I really do. I didn't have the best childhood growing up and I just need something stable. I don't see how I can do this, I'm not that strong.

I admire all of you.

kyrgyzstan · January 2012

Enh, I had a crap childhood too, and my marriage and relationship is plenty stable enough for me. Get some individual counseling as well

ETA: I'm not trying to talk you into being okay with it. It's alright not to be. It's alright for that to be a dealbreaker. Some people aren't meant for this life, and that's okay. I just think counseling could help both of you make sure that there will be no future resentment either way, or you could decide it's a dealbreaker for one of you, which would be okay too.

calindi · January 2012

It was a huge adjustment for me. Like you, my guy wasn't in the military when we met or started dating. I had to make sure I was okay with the lifestyle before I signed on. Like you said, I'd never ask him NOT to do it because you know down the road that can lead to resentment. But I needed to know if I was okay being the significant other of someone in the military, especially the Marines as it sort of seemed the scariest branch for me.

I would recommend reading a LOT about it - the bookI read was "Married to the Military," which actually seemed to focus on the Army, and a LOT of women recommend "Confessions of a Miliary Wife" by Molly Gross (though it's more about Marines, the general concepts are useful). Another that is recommended often is "Separated by Duty, United in Love". Read a lot to see what it's all about. It's not always as scary as it sounds - yes, people get injured and killed in combat, but people get injured and killed in daily life, too. Car accidents and cancer are the first that come to mind. Loving someone involves taking the risk that you may lose them at some point, it's a part of life. Realizing that helped me accept that the risks he was taking on by joining the military weren't as insurmountable as I originally feared.

As far as being apart, you will undoubtedly have to be apart at some point in your lives, whether he's military or not. Feeling like you HAVE to be together isn't healthy and might represent some sort of trust issue? Or insecurity? I don't know, but it's probably best for your sake either way that you talk to a therapist - the therapist will help you figure out whether being a military spouse is something you'd be okay with.

No matter what, if he chooses to join, I'd recommend postponing the wedding awhile so you both can acclimate to military life. It's definitely a change - there's positives and negatives compared to a civilian career. If you're worried you can't do it, there's no reason to rush. Let him join, stay engaged, and just wait until he's settled in his career for you both to decide when's a good time to get married.

Also, these ladies are pretty kick-ass at giving advice and offering perspective. I used to dread the idea of my FI deploying someday, and now we're actively trying to get him stationed somewhere with a high deployment rate so he can deploy ASAP and often. It's good for his career, he wants to do it, and I'd rather he do it at least once before we have kids, if possible. These ladies (in particular Stan, who just posted) have helped me to see it all in a brighter light. Now when my friends go, "Oh my goodness, you must be miserable at the idea of him deploying!" I can honestly say, "No, not really. It'll suck, but I'd rather be marrying this man, whether we're in the same place or not, than with anyone else."

Dchacha413 · January 2012

I don't really see how either one of those options would be okay.
1. I lose him.
2. I have the possibility of losing him.

It's a lose lose.

Dchacha413 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:ad3f2784-acb3-48aa-b5f1-088a71991329Post:24a5f484-90ca-4300-9b2a-6e948a94e706">Re: Please help.</a>:
[QUOTE]It was a huge adjustment for me. Like you, my guy wasn't in the military when we met or started dating. I had to make sure I was okay with the lifestyle before I signed on. Like you said, I'd never ask him NOT to do it because you know down the road that can lead to resentment. But I needed to know if I was okay being the significant other of someone in the military, especially the Marines as it sort of seemed the scariest branch for me. I would recommend reading a LOT about it - the bookI read was "Married to the Military," which actually seemed to focus on the Army, and a LOT of women recommend "Confessions of a Miliary Wife" by Molly Gross (though it's more about Marines, the general concepts are useful). Another that is recommended often is "Separated by Duty, United in Love". Read a lot to see what it's all about. It's not always as scary as it sounds - yes, people get injured and killed in combat, but people get injured and killed in daily life, too. Car accidents and cancer are the first that come to mind. Loving someone involves taking the risk that you may lose them at some point, it's a part of life. Realizing that helped me accept that the risks he was taking on by joining the military weren't as insurmountable as I originally feared. As far as being apart, you will undoubtedly have to be apart at some point in your lives, whether he's military or not. Feeling like you HAVE to be together isn't healthy and might represent some sort of trust issue? Or insecurity? I don't know, but it's probably best for your sake either way that you talk to a therapist - the therapist will help you figure out whether being a military spouse is something you'd be okay with. No matter what, if he chooses to join, I'd recommend postponing the wedding awhile so you both can acclimate to military life. It's definitely a change - there's positives and negatives compared to a civilian career. If you're worried you can't do it, there's no reason to rush. Let him join, stay engaged, and just wait until he's settled in his career for you both to decide when's a good time to get married. Also, these ladies are pretty kick-ass at giving advice and offering perspective. I used to dread the idea of my FI deploying someday, and now we're actively trying to get him stationed somewhere with a high deployment rate so he can deploy ASAP and often. It's good for his career, he wants to do it, and I'd rather he do itat least once before we have kids, if possible.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

Thank you, this will help eventually. I'm honestly just so emotionally drained I don't know what to do.

Beachy730 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:ad3f2784-acb3-48aa-b5f1-088a71991329Post:5d25cb6a-55c1-486e-9d93-6c59a80c18d5">Re: Please help.</a>:
[QUOTE]I want to be able to do this for him. I really do. I didn't have the best childhood growing up and I just need something stable. I don't see how I can do this, I'm not that strong. I admire all of you.
Posted by Dchacha413[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto Stan on everything (except me wanting to join). </div><div>
</div><div>Even with 2 deployments in a year I still think I have a very stable life and marriage. I love H more than anything, but I can survive without him while he is gone doing his job. I know you didn't mean it like that, but I kind of find it offensive that you think a marriage can't be stable in the military. </div><div>
</div><div>I also highly suggest ccouples counseling and individual counseling for you. I'm not trying to push you to want your FI to join, but if it's important to him that he does, and important to you that he doesn't, then you need to talk things through with the help of a professional. You will both need to decide what's more important to you, and honestly your relationship might not win out between both of you. Hopefully it does, but I would still want to talk to a counselor together to come to this decision so that he won't harbor resentment if he doesn't join. </div>

Beachy730 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:ad3f2784-acb3-48aa-b5f1-088a71991329Post:001f5e49-ebab-4a89-bedb-31f3c5eafa73">Re: Please help.</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't really see how either one of those options would be okay. 1. I lose him. 2. I have the possibility of losing him. It's a lose lose.
Posted by Dchacha413[/QUOTE]

<div>Honestly, if you lose him to his choice of joining the military, then he probably isn't as committed to the relationship as you like to think. I'm not trying to be rude, and even though you're engaged, I see military couples everyday getting divorced. </div><div>
</div><div>If the "possibility of losing him" you're referring to is him being KIA (killed in action), then you need to let that go. He could die tomorrow in a car accident, but you probably don't stress about that every day. Yes it's a real possibility, but you can't focus on it. My H is out there doing his job that he is highly trained to do. I don't think about the negative possibilities, just like I don't think of the negative possibillities he faces every day when he is home too. </div>

calindi · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:ad3f2784-acb3-48aa-b5f1-088a71991329Post:001f5e49-ebab-4a89-bedb-31f3c5eafa73">Re: Please help.</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't really see how either one of those options would be okay. 1. I lose him. 2. I have the possibility of losing him. It's a lose lose.
Posted by Dchacha413[/QUOTE]

I get it, I really do. I've been there. Talk to a therapist - seriously, hashing all these big scary things out can make them seem less scary.

Here's a factoid that helped me - civilians age 18-29 (I think? 28? 30? Something around there) have a higher mortality rate in the United States than deployed service members. This is because a) service members tend to be in good shape and health, so cancer and heart attacks are less prevalent, and b) car accidents, drunk driving, bar fights, gang fights, drugs, etc. aren't as big of an issue for deployed service members.

Seriously, they're technically safer over there (or as safe) as they are here. Sure, no one's shooting at them here, but driving a car can be a scary thing. Jogging down the street can be a scary thing - my FI nearly got run over a few months ago and jumped on a car's hood!

But still - people have the risk every single day that they leave the house of dying that day. It's an assumption we all take for granted, but somehow remember with service members.

kyrgyzstan · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:ad3f2784-acb3-48aa-b5f1-088a71991329Post:001f5e49-ebab-4a89-bedb-31f3c5eafa73">Re: Please help.</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't really see how either one of those options would be okay. 1. I lose him. 2. I have the possibility of losing him. It's a lose lose.
Posted by Dchacha413[/QUOTE]

<div>Because breaking up now would be better than getting married and having one of you have huge resentment towards the other. I hope that's not the case, I hope you guys can work it out in a way that is acceptable to both of you.</div><div>
</div><div>I definitely agree with Calindi, if he does go through with this, put the wedding on hold until you get used to the life.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: I didn't realize until Calindi's response that you were talking about him dying. H is in a dangerous MOS. Over the summer, weeks before our wedding, on a day when he was on the schedule, his unit lost a guy in a training accident. It was, by far, the worst day of my life, and I've had some bad days. For hours, I didn't know if it was my then FI or someone else. All I had was a local media report that confirmed one dead, on one specific vehicle, of which there are limited numbers. I found out about the accident via text message while I was at work. It happens here, it happens on deployment. But I talked to MH last night, and he's happy doing his job. He's happy that he's in danger instead of someone else. And believe it or not, I'M happy he's in danger instead of someone else. There are days when I don't hear from him at all (usually I get at least a quick love you email so I know he's good) and I wake up and scan the news to see if there were any deaths the day before. The fear that something could happen to MH is there, but it is in no way debilitating. I think individual counseling will be necessary for you no matter what.</div>

Dchacha413 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:ad3f2784-acb3-48aa-b5f1-088a71991329Post:2e9aaf23-4c3b-490f-a7b5-da4073a9faa6">Re: Please help.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please help. : Because breaking up now would be better than getting married and having one of you have huge resentment towards the other. I hope that's not the case, I hope you guys can work it out in a way that is acceptable to both of you. I definitely agree with Calindi, if he does go through with this, put the wedding on hold until you get used to the life.
Posted by WishIcouldbeinthe'stan[/QUOTE]

I thought about that and gave him that option. It destroyed him.

Zeldakins · January 2012

I'm with Calindi on this one...FI didn't join until recently and while it was something that I was afraid of him doing at first I came to accept it because he has stood by me in my decisions about my career. (Honestly, the military is a job...just not your stereotypical Monday-Friday, 9-5 kind of thing) While it may not be your cup of tea, it is what your FI wants to do. Try to see things from his perspective. And keep in mind that just because it's the military doesn't mean everyone's infantry. Everyone goes through the basic infantry training, but each person is able to choose what job they'd like to do. As for the distance and time apart, a little of it is healthy. You can't expect to always be around each other. Whatever you decide to do, think things through first and make sure to get informed. Best of luck to you!

ggirl2001 · January 2012

Ditto what everyone else said. H and I were together for a year and half when he decided to join the Marines. We then were long distance for 2 1/2 years. We discussed it together, and I went with him to the recruiters office. We had a lot of discussions about communication, trust, expectations and our own personal goals prior to him joining. We also continued to discuss those things throughout our LD relationship.

If you're worried about the possibility of him dying, I strongly encourage counseling. Although its rational fear, it should not be debilitating, and should not cause you excessive anxiety, which it seems like it is doing. I also strongly suggest counseling for yourself as it appears that your idea of a stable relationship is that you are seeing each other every day. I can honestly say that H joining the military made our relationship stronger and more stable. Being LD made our relationship 10x better than I ever thought it could have.

I am in no way trying to make you change your mind, just giving you my experiences. I also had severe trust issues based on past issues in my life. I can happily say that I worked through them with H (then bf, and FI) when we were long distance. I would suggest both of you going to counseling, talking to recruiter together, etc. Only you can figure out if you can do this life. If you can't, that is 100% ok, but you need to tell your FI this so he can make decisions based on his goals for his life.

SamiJoeB · January 2012

I met my H while we were both AD, so I mean.. without the military I wouldn't be married!

Can I ask how old you are? and if you don't feel like yourself without him.. there could be some bigger problems..To quote my dear friend Calinidi "relationships aren't stable just because you're both in the same place constantly". What do you do? are you in school? work full time? do you do anything other than be at your FI beck and call now? cause if not.. I can totally understand your hesitation..

Everyone gave you great advice.. Let us know how it goes.

iluvmytxrgr · January 2012

I agree with the ladies who recomended couples counseling along with individual counseling.
Have you talked to your FI about what types of jobs he is interested in doing in the military? There are so many options from infantry to police to vet techs to nurses, medics, mechanics, cooks and so on. Are many of them put into harms way? Yes, but some of them never see a deployment or the front lines. Before you make a choice, please educate your self a bit. Get to the library and look for some of the books that were mentioned above. Click the link in my siggy and check out the FAQ page. Hang out here and over on the Military Nesties board over on The Nest. Go with your FI to talk to recruiters. Ask questions.

I served 6 years in the military. MH has served nearly 9 years. He's been hurt overseas. He's been hurt here. I've never been overseas, but I had a gun held to my head once, was on the metro in Paris when my friends and I were jumped by 4 men. I was standing outside the bar I where I worked when one of my customers were stabbed by a random guy 3 feet from me. I was at drill one weekend while in the Army Reserves. We were standing in the parking lot when bullets started flying. Two local gangs were shooting at each other in the parking lot of the flea market across the street. Four cars with in our parking lot had multiple bullet holes in them. Any of us could have been shot.
My point is the same as Calindi. Your FI could just as easily be hurt or killed here as he could while deployed. He could be in a car accident tomorrow. You can not live your life in fear of what could happen. Anything can happen, anytime, any where. Don't let that effect how you live your life.

tyleet87 · January 2012

I'm still new to the military life so I can't be much help. It's still really hard for me and we were only apart for 6 months. I'm going to go through another 5 months of seperation after we get married although it will definitely suck majorly, I know I'll make it through. It helps when you have a support group like family and close friends who you can depend on to help you through the hard seperation time. And we are here and know exactly what other spouses go through so feel free to vent anytime.

I didn't think I could make it through or stand it either. And there were times where I felt like I couldn't do it and this is not the life I wanted and I was thinking about telling him I was going to leave. But I know he's the one and I would be crazy to leave something so perfect. So while I want to rip my hair out and punch a hole in the wall when he's gone I know it'll be perfect once he gets back home. Now everything is back to normal and I couldn't ask for anything better. It was his dream to join and I am not going to deprive him of that. I know he would do the same if the situation was reversed.

I wish you luck!

Please help.

Re: Please help.

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