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Not excited F-MIL

conger19conger19
10 Comments
in Moms and Maids
OK quick background... My fiance and I met at college... he moved to my city. I try so hard to get his mom involved. I try to include her by asking opinions and even bringing on things to work on together... Its weird. She never asks or seems to care about our wedding. What should I do? I feel like I am trying everything I can to get her involved but it just seems like she doesnt want to talk about it, doesnt care, and would rather talk about anything else... What should I do?

Its starting to really bother my fiance as well... it seems like everyone else at least asks about it on his side but naturally my family seems far more excited! Hmmm... Any advice?
http://misstomrsandeverythinginbetween.blogspot.com/
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Re: Not excited F-MIL

  • calliopeia2013calliopeia2013 member
    500 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    I mean, some people just don't get into wedding planning.  If she doesn't want to be involved, and would prefer to just show up and have a good time, why not just let her, and not take it personally? 

    Have you (or your FI) actually talked to her about whether or not she's interested in being involved, instead of just trying to force it on her?  She might just not be a wedding-y person, she might think this is the sort of thing you and her son should plan for yourselves, she might be afraid of seeming too controlling, she might think that planning is more of a role for the bride's family than the groom's family and just be trying not to step on any toes.... 

    Or, you know, the alternate explanation is that she doesn't like/approve of you and is lukewarm about the wedding as a result; do you have a good relationship with her otherwise? (And if that IS the case, backing off and letting her warm up to you on her own terms is still probably the better option.)
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    It's possible that his family just doesn't show their emotions like your family does. Or they might not enjoy being involved in the planning and details. Don't try to involve your FMIL in wedding projects that don't interest her. Talk to her about things other than the wedding.

    If you suspect they don't approve of your upcoming marriage, then your Fi should have a private talk with his parents. If your ILs seem to support your relationship, haven't expressed any objections or concerns, you should let it be.
                       
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Honestly, I would just stop trying.  It doesn't seem like she really wants to be involved...which is fine, because she doesn't have to be...so why even waste your energy.  If it really does bother your FI then he should talk to his Mom to make sure everything is ok and there is nothing bothering her.  It is nice that you are trying to involve her but if she isn't interested then save your energy.

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  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Hardly anyone in either of our families were involved in our wedding planning.  We filled them in when they asked, but it was our wedding, we paid for it, so why would anyone else be involved?

    It doesn't mean they aren't happy for you, but they probably just aren't interested in every little detail.  Stop trying to involve her, if she asks, that's okay, but it's really not a big deal.
    Anniversary
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  • Muffin'sMomMuffin'sMom
    1000 Comments
    Everyone is different.  Let her be and base your conversations on something else.  Most likely, it's not personal.  My husband's mother, rest her soul, could not have been less interested.  After marrying off four daughters, she was thrilled to be out of it.  As for our relationship?  I know she loved me, because she told my husband she did.  That being said, we never had a conversation that lasted more than 5 minutes.  She just was not that person.  Pressing only made her uncomfortable.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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  • Grits8812Grits8812 member
    1000 Comments
    I pretty much agree with PP's.  If she doesn't show an interest in it, leave her be.  You can't force it on her.  
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  • graysquirrelgraysquirrel member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    My guess is that she simply isn't interested in wedding plans. If she is perfectly friendly and caring ottherwise, she is probably one of those women that just doesn't get wedding crazy. My MIL didn't either. I tried to let her know where we were at in our plans, but I quickly realized that she just wasn't into it. As long as she knew we were making good choices, she was happy to let us make them on our own.

    Who knows, maybe as the time gets closer she will begin to seek involvement, but for the time being I would leave her alone. Find other people to squeee with, bounce ideas off of, and discuss with. It sounds like your FI would be great for that. Just because your FMIL isn't interested in dresses, cakes, or flowers doesn't mean that she doesn't care.
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  • MeghannsixMeghannsix member
    500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its
    Everyone is definitely different concerning wedding planning!  This is my second wedding, and while my mother planned my first in about three months, she has been extremely passive concerning this one, so I just stopped involving her.  I am disappointed?  Well yeah, but at least now I don't have to wallow in it.  Don't force it on her, maybe she'll get more excited when it gets closer, that's what I'm thinking for my situation.
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  • conger19conger19
    10 Comments
    Hey ladies. Thanks for all the advice. I was only trying to involve her bc she lives a while a way and wanted her to feel a part of it but you are so right... if she isnt interested why should I worry about it.

    I do not think the issue is her not approving of me as apparently she talks about how much she really likes me and has called me her future daughter in law many of times (even before we were engaged). Thanks for all of the advice and reassurance. Sometimes that is needed, I just wanted her to seem like she was an important part of the wedding and although she still is I guess I do not need to involve her in plans.. It just seemed (at first) as if that is what she wanted. I by  no means was or ever have forced ANYTHING on her.

    Thanks again girls!
    http://misstomrsandeverythinginbetween.blogspot.com/
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  • moodymzmoodymz member
    First Comment
    Just got off the phone with mine. Same thing as you. But to top it off she doesn't care for me because 1) i am marring her oldest 2) i am not Catholic 3) i am mexican, spanish and german. when my fiance told her that he was going to propose her answer was "are you sure??" now that the date is set and i am trying to ask her stuff she is giving me short answers and i suddenly hear a tone in her voice. we got along fine as long as there wasn't a date set and now i don't know what is up. but it's kind of hurtful. we have a window to get married in cause my fiance is in the military and we are planning/talking wedding stuff via skype. next time he calls it will be about him talking to his mom to find out if i did anything wrong or is it that she doesn't want him to marry me. 
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