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New... and already frustrated (Vent)

lac5063lac5063 member
10 Comments
in Pennsylvania-Pittsburgh
I am getting married in Pittsburgh, my FI is from Philly, we live in State College (for the next month), and we are going to be living in Raleigh starting in May. Got all that? ;)

SO... I am planning on getting married in the summer of 2012. I am trying to get the ball rolling NOW beacuse the back and forth from Raleigh will be hell, and I want to make sure I have enough time to do everything.

I called the church on friday to book our date. This is the church is a Catholic church that my parents and sisters were married in. My parents are lapsed Catholics, and I didn't find religion until 2 years ago when I was baptized, confirmed, and recieved my first communion. I did all of that in State College. When I called the church in Pittsburgh to schedule my wedding, they basically said that they won't marry me because I am not a member there, and my parents are "inactive". They also said that although all of 2012 is open, they are saving the dates for their own parishoners. Nevermind the fact that I am the Godmother to my nephew who was baptized there a year ago.

So what to do? I am going to contact my priest here in State College, hoping that he will be able to have some pull and get me my wedding date, and hopefully HE will perform my ceremony. I am just PRAYING that he can. I have always planned on getting married in this church, and now that I  may not be able to, I don't know what to do. FI says that he doesn't even want to get married there now because of the way they treated me. Which, I understand, but there is no other church in the area that I have any emotional tie to. 

And to top it off, FI is worried that they won't allow us to marry in a Catholic church because his sister converted to Islam, and so we will have a Muslim woman in our wedding party.

UGH. I just don't know what to do. :(
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Re: New... and already frustrated (Vent)

  • cgyvhucgyvhu member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Welcome!  First, take a deep breath.  You have time on your side - no need to get stressed yet.

    Certain Catholic churches want to only marry their members - that's their preference, and I think you should respect it.  I don't think you were treated poorly, they are just following their rules.  That might be hard to accept since you really feel a tie to this church, but I think you should let it go.  What's important is that you are marrying your FI within the religion you chose - not the location where that happens.

    There are quite a few Catholic churches in the city that will marry non-members so long as you bring your own priest - perhaps your priest from State College can come out for the wedding and you can use one of these churches.  St Paul's Cathedral (hard to get a spot at), St. Boniface, St. Stanislaus all operate this way, so I would call them and try to reserve a date.  Think about it - wouldn't it have more meaning to get married by the priest who helped you find religion than to get married in a Church that no longer really has meaning to your parents?

    I've never heard of a church caring about the religion of the people in the bridal party.  My cousin got married in the catholic church and nearly half our family on that side is muslim.... no one seemed to care.
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  • carcrashheartcarcrashheart member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I agree with PP-that is their policy & procedure, and as much as it sucks for you, that's how it's going to be. You're not a member of the church, nor are your parents, so you're not going to be seen as anything other than an outsider/non parishoner to them. Nobody cares that you're the Godmother to a child parishoner. I would start over and begin looking for another church that can provide a ceremony site for you.

    And I also have to agree about your FI being worried over someone in the BP being Muslim-it isn't going to matter. My sister is Catholic, none of the rest of us are (she converted). My other sister is pretty much an athiest, I am a non practicing Episcopalian, and not only did the church not care, but they didn't even know. It's not within their realm to ask what the denomination is of every member of the BP.

    I'm sorry, but I think this is one of those times where it needs to be reminded that your day is not nearly as important to others as it is to you and your FI. Sometimes it really is helpful to keep that in mind while planning when you {rhetorically speaking} begin to get freaked out about what others are/aren't doing for your special day. I know I had to remind myself of this dozens of times, it happens.
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  • lac5063lac5063 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Okay, I understand. I guess I am kind of overreacting. It's just that I have wanted to get married at this church since before I can remember. 

    It have just never heard of a church turning people away. I mean, I am a member of the Catholic church as a whole, and I just think that should be enough. After all, the church doesn't belong to us, it belongs to God.

    Also, I called again, and the priest did say that if I use my own priest, I could use the site. This seems odd to me. He basically said that I'm not allowed to be married there because I'm an outsider, but then says if I just bring my own priest, it's free game. I find that frustrating... not that I have to get my own priest, but just that they are saying "these are the rules, but here are some exceptions". It just seems like a unnecessary process.

    Finally, I agree with you guys regarding my future sister-in-law. I was just voiceing that my FI worried about it. I don't think it should be a problem at all. Like I said before, the church doesn't belong to us, it belongs to God.
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  • carcrashheartcarcrashheart member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    It's the catholic church-this is not surprising to me, nor should it be to you. The church has an agenda of their own (any church, any faith). They have parishoners that they put first, other weddings already booked, etc etc. They've agreed to let you use the space-that's pretty much as much as you're going to get from them, which I think is pretty darn good. It's a venue with rules, just like any other. It doesn't matter if it's a church or a reception site doing ceremonies. And if you wanted to get married there since forever, then maybe actually becoming a member of it would have crossed your mind. Most churches want you to be a member, some do not, but many do.
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  • lac5063lac5063 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-pittsburgh_new-already-frustrated-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:116Discussion:4bda8a38-ba90-41fe-9e30-b07cd352ffb7Post:22843f64-fdf8-421b-a02a-0dba23cb0b36">Re: New... and already frustrated (Vent)</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's the catholic church-this is not surprising to me, nor should it be to you. The church has an agenda of their own (any church, any faith). They have parishoners that they put first, other weddings already booked, etc etc. They've agreed to let you use the space-that's pretty much as much as you're going to get from them, which I think is pretty darn good. It's a venue with rules, just like any other. It doesn't matter if it's a church or a reception site doing ceremonies. And if you wanted to get married there since forever, then maybe actually becoming a member of it would have crossed your mind. Most churches want you to be a member, some do not, but many do.
    Posted by carcrashheart[/QUOTE]

    <div>I didn't become Cathlolic until I was in college, and I have lived in State College since then. Becoming a member there wasn't really practical if I'm not living in the same town as the church. Thanks for your input though.</div>
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