Tension with a bridesmaid

Re: Tension with a bridesmaid

• em01092 member

  

  March 2012 edited March 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tension-with-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2c35ed2e-54f4-4d32-81e4-34831e5c996ePost:b48e3790-1206-4b0c-b089-d31ad9d38cb2">Tension with a bridesmaid</a>:
  [QUOTE]I'm having issues with one of my bridesmaids putting up a fight for everything that myself and my MoH have planned or suggested. I've come to realize that part of the reason she is pushing back our ideas is because she was recently a bridesmaid in another wedding <strong>where she contributed a lot of money to help out the other maids towards the bridal shower and bachelorette party, but she didn't get any of the money back afterwards.</strong> Right now she's caused a bit of a divide between herself and my other bridesmaids because she's not wanting to go along with the group - she didn't want to buy the dress from the same store as everybody else bc she found it online for $20 less, she didn't want to get her hair done from the same stylist because she has a friend who can do it for $10 less and most recently she shot down the favors and decorations that my MoH suggested for the bridal shower because she thought it was too expensive (total it would be about $20) but didn't offer anything else as an alternative option. I'm not sure what to do to ease the tension because I know finances are a sensitive subject ...did I mention she is going to be my future sister-in-law? I thought the mother-in-law was supposed to be the troublesome one! Lol any advice would be greatly appreciated :)
  Posted by SBarker18[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>1. Say what? You don't get reimbursed when you pitch in at a shower or b-party....this is bizarre to me. She should not have put in more than she could afford expecting others to pay her back, unless they said they would and then didn't. Then I can understand her grief. But being a BM =/= obligated to pitch in financially. </div><div>
  </div><div>2. So she got the dress somewhere else? Big deal. As long as it's the same dress, who cares?  So she wants to have her hair done by someone else? Big deal. If you are not paying, you don't get to decide about her hair/makeup. </div><div>
  </div><div>3. She does not have to help with showers or other parties. Your other attendants should simply drop it if she does not wish to help out and/or all she does is biitch. </div>

  April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Bio-Updated 4/22**

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• Stina51286 member

  

  March 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tension-with-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2c35ed2e-54f4-4d32-81e4-34831e5c996ePost:02c8c4cb-854d-4ffd-bba6-965c0474138a">Re: Tension with a bridesmaid</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Tension with a bridesmaid : 1. Say what? You don't get reimbursed when you pitch in at a shower or b-party....this is bizarre to me. She should not have put in more than she could afford expecting others to pay her back, unless they said they would and then didn't. Then I can understand her grief. But being a BM =/= obligated to pitch in financially.  2. So she got the dress somewhere else? Big deal. As long as it's the same dress, who cares?  So she wants to have her hair done by someone else? Big deal. If you are not paying, you don't get to decide about her hair/makeup.  3. She does not have to help with showers or other parties. Your other attendants should simply drop it if she does not wish to help out and/or all she does is biitch. 
  Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]
  
  Ding ding ding!!

   

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• jemmini6 member

  

  March 2012

  Em pretty much covered it...I don't see how your FSIL is doing anything wrong here.
  

  
  

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  March 2012

  Ditto em.
  
  Your fsil might be trying to save a few $$ because she's still broke from the other wedding.
  

                     

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• ElisabethJoanne member

  

  March 2012

  em's got it right.
  
  Whoever has volunteered to be primarily in charge of the shower should ask each girl if she'd like to contribute $, and if so, how much. Scratch that. She should say, "I'm hosting a shower for SBarker. Any way you can help - with planning, or money, or set-up, or clean-up, is appreciated. Let me know how you'd like to help." Then she should make her plans according to the responses.
  
  Group money decisions should not be made piecemeal. There should be a budget based on resources, then plans made.

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• ElisabethJoanne member

  

  March 2012

  I don't disagree, Retread. Any maybe "if" is better than "how" given the what we know of the personalities.
  
  "Let me know if you'd like to help" may get a reply, "I'd love to help. Let me know what you need," which doesn't give the organizer any more information than before. What if what she needs is a couple hundred dollars to throw the party she's happy to plan herself?

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• jmconley08 member

  

  March 2012

  No, people don't have to contribute BUT if everyone else is then they should try. When you accept being a maid of honor/bm in a wedding you assume you will be throwing a bach party/shower or some sort.
  
  I get why you're annoyed here. And MIL's aren't the only crazy ones. FSIL's can def be too! Mine was mad bc I didn't ask her to be in the wedding. Really? We're not even close. ahh. good luck!

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• mbody

  

  March 2012

  It sounds like she's strapped for cash and trying to find little ways here and there to help save. If she found cheaper alternatives, good for her. She just saved herself 30 bucks. And, she is most likely trying to save in other ways of her life. This isn't a slight towards you or your wedding.
  
  She isn't obligated to spend money for any prewedding parties. The MOH should ask each BM (seperately) if they are willing and able to contribute money towards the shower budget.
  

  

  Anxiously awaiting baby #1! Baby BOY Due: May 30, 2013!

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• jemmini6 member

  

  March 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tension-with-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2c35ed2e-54f4-4d32-81e4-34831e5c996ePost:8c9c0ba4-091d-4db4-80df-524410dbe41b">Re: Tension with a bridesmaid</a>:
  [QUOTE]No, people don't have to contribute BUT if everyone else is then they should try. <strong>When you accept being a maid of honor/bm in a wedding you assume you will be throwing a bach party/shower or some sort.</strong> I get why you're annoyed here. And MIL's aren't the only crazy ones. FSIL's can def be too! Mine was mad bc I didn't ask her to be in the wedding. Really? We're not even close. ahh. good luck!
  Posted by jmconley08[/QUOTE]
  
  
  No, when I accept being a bridesmaid, I assume that the bride asked because we were close friends, not because I would throw her a party.

  
  

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  March 2012

  If one of my BMs found the exact same dress online for $20 cheaper, I would have had all my BMs order from that site (assuming its a legit place).  She can spend her money as she wishes, as long as she purchases the dress that you asked your BMs to purchase. 
  
  The rest of the PP said it all. . .

  

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• lenergyrlah member

  

  March 2012

  I'm surprised that you're upset she ordered her dress online to save money.  I wouldn't care where my bridesmaids ordered their dresses as long as they ordered the correct one on time.  On this particular issue you sound bridezilla (nobody will know which shop she bought her dress from!).  I would meet with her and say that it seems to you that the wedding is stressful to her, and remind her that her only "obligation" is to show up at the wedding sober, clean, on time wearing the correct dress (this is true).

  
  

  I also don't understand why you're discussing favors for your bridal shower.  Brides do not throw showers for themselves.  If your bridesmaids decide to give you one, that should be between them and I don't know why you are involved in the planning.  If another BM is complaining to you, remind her that you appreciate the thought and time they're putting into it, and that it's more important for everyone to be comfortable and happy than what kind of cake, favors, etc you have at the shower (this is also true).

  
  

  In most circles, bridesmaids are expected to pay a (reasonable) amount for the dress.  However if you are requesting specific shoes, hair, makeup etc. you should be willing to pay for it.  You should be grateful that she is willing to pay to get her hair professonally done, rather than complaining that it's not being done by a more expensive stylist.

  
  

  Lastly, you're throwing around $50 of her money like it's no big deal ($20 on the dress, $10 on the hair, $20 on the favors).  Since $50 isn't much money to you, why don't you offer to pay it if you insist on having everything done your way?

  

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