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Disapointed

JennaRose05JennaRose05 member
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
I'm really disapointed in my relationship with my FMIL. She hasn't liked anything about the wedding and has been passive aggressive to get her way. I have been trying to please everyone through this whole wedding process, but enough is enough.  I don't feel like we will ever have a close relationship anymore. Everything seemed to be fine before, but once we got engaged it changed. In the words of my FI, "she's just a control freak and wants everything her way". What am I supposed to do with that???  I have tried SO HARD to make everyone happy, but it's exhausting! Is it wrong for me to start putting my foot down about things?  It's too the point I don't even want her around and it really makes me sad. Advice? 
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Re: Disapointed

  • Summer2011BrideSummer2011Bride member
    5000 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Who is paying for the wedding? If FMIL is paying for some or all of it, then she does get a say in it. If she is not, then I would just stop bringing up the wedding around her, since she will give her opinion on anything it sounds like. If she starts getting argumentative, I would have FI field that one since it's his mom. Has he talked to her about this already? He just needs to say (again this is if she is NOT paying), "Thanks for the input, mom. We actually already have ______ covered (flowers, music, whatever)." Then move on.


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  • tszostektszostek member
    10 Comments
    It's not wrong to put your foot down on things! She's had her wedding. This one is yours! When you look back on it years from  now, you should see that it was the way you and your FI wanted!
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  • birdofparadise8birdofparadise8 member
    First Comment
    I know how you feel because I'm currently in the exact same position. Over the last few months, this is what I've done and learned.

    It's impossible to make everyone happy. It will never happen. Not ever. Not today, not tomorrow, not next week. It won't happen if you use the flowers she or anyone else wants. It won't happen if you wear a long dress or a short dress. It won't happen. You will make yourself miserable trying. Stop asking for her opinion, stop telling her your plans, stop talking about the wedding around or with her. If she says "how is the planning? have you figured out x, y, z yet?" just smile, be polite, say it's going great, you've got it all figured out. The only people you need to worry about are you and your future husband. It's LOVELY if everyone is pleased and feels included, but it just doesn't always happen.

    My FMIL is a control freak and wants it her way too. She wants the traditional "fancy" tulle and lace wedding for her son, and I'm having a burlap and country western dance wedding. She's super unhappy about it, but it's not her wedding. I just let her know I've heard her concerns, suggestions, opinions, and I've given them thought or I understand where she's coming from, but in the end I'm planning a wedding that will make FH and I happy.

    Will the relationship ever be repaired? Most likely... as long as you don't let yourself become incredibly mean spirited and bitter towards her. You have to let it roll off your back and learn to forgive her. Weddings make people bat poop crazy (no clue why, I flipping hate weddings), but she's probably TRYING to come from a good place.

    In short, do your own thing and don't worry about her. Don't go out of your way to make her miserable or anything, and don't skip doing something you want to do just because she wants/suggests it.
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  • JennaRose05JennaRose05 member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disapointed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2db34ad8-1211-4567-ba54-a6f9d397627ePost:8c8b9ff5-543a-4355-8bbb-7a38242efb80">Re: Disapointed</a>:
    [QUOTE]Who is paying for the wedding? If FMIL is paying for some or all of it, then she does get a say in it. If she is not, then I would just stop bringing up the wedding around her, since she will give her opinion on anything it sounds like. If she starts getting argumentative, I would have FI field that one since it's his mom. Has he talked to her about this already? He just needs to say (again this is if she is NOT paying), "Thanks for the input, mom. We actually already have ______ covered (flowers, music, whatever)." Then move on.
    Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

    She's not paying for the wedding. She's paying for the flowers and RD. I don't mind her input, but I guess she's more about how she thinks it <em>should</em> be instead of being supportive to what we want. I'm just bummed things didn't turn out better.
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  • JennaRose05JennaRose05 member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disapointed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2db34ad8-1211-4567-ba54-a6f9d397627ePost:32a65ebe-38d8-4966-9ce1-acbac6b4761a">Re: Disapointed</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know how you feel because I'm currently in the exact same position. Over the last few months, this is what I've done and learned. It's impossible to make everyone happy. It will never happen. Not ever. Not today, not tomorrow, not next week. It won't happen if you use the flowers she or anyone else wants. It won't happen if you wear a long dress or a short dress. It won't happen. You will make yourself miserable trying. Stop asking for her opinion, stop telling her your plans, stop talking about the wedding around or with her. If she says "how is the planning? have you figured out x, y, z yet?" just smile, be polite, say it's going great, you've got it all figured out. The only people you need to worry about are you and your future husband. It's LOVELY if everyone is pleased and feels included, but it just doesn't always happen. My FMIL is a control freak and wants it her way too. She wants the traditional "fancy" tulle and lace wedding for her son, and I'm having a burlap and country western dance wedding. She's super unhappy about it, but it's not her wedding. I just let her know I've heard her concerns, suggestions, opinions, and I've given them thought or I understand where she's coming from, but in the end I'm planning a wedding that will make FH and I happy. Will the relationship ever be repaired? Most likely... as long as you don't let yourself become incredibly mean spirited and bitter towards her. You have to let it roll off your back and learn to forgive her. Weddings make people bat poop crazy (no clue why, I flipping hate weddings), but she's probably TRYING to come from a good place. In short, do your own thing and don't worry about her. Don't go out of your way to make her miserable or anything, and don't skip doing something you want to do just because she wants/suggests it.
    Posted by birdofparadise8[/QUOTE]
     
    Thanks! And good luck to you too.  I never knew weddings would be so much fun. : )
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  • GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Stop talking to her about any of your planning.  If she still can't help herself, your FI needs to rein her in.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited June 2012
    Some moms see the wedding as an opportunity to re-invent their own dream weddings. It's not wrong for you to put your foot down. But first, your fi should tell his mom to back off. After that, if she brings up the wedding, change the subject.

                       
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  • jessandkalebjessandkaleb
    10 Comments
    I am seriously going through the same thing with my own mom, and my MIL and FI have been the only people, other than my WP, that have been understanding and helpful. My mom is such a control freak, but instead of suggesting different ideas, she just tells me "You wedding color is green?!" Or, "that's too much of one color for a centerpiece." Or that I look pregnant in wedding dresses, even though I'm a size 4! I hope that things work out with your MIL, I would just stop bringing up wedding stuff, that's what I'm doing with my mom.
    "And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:23-24
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  • bfr65333bfr65333 member
    10 Comments
    edited June 2012
    I've been dealing with the same situation with my FMIL - I know how difficult and frustrating it can be. My FMIL is one of the most BSC people I've ever met, and she makes me want to pull my hair out! Like yours, she was wonderful until we got engaged and then just completely flipped!

    It's great that you want to please her, but sometimes it is just impossible to please everybody, especially those who are not contributing financially. I think it is fine for you to put your foot down, as long as you do it in a respectful manner. You mentioned that she is paying for the flowers and RD -  If she brings up the wedding, it may be helpful to redirect her questions back to the flowers or RD. I know it's hard to completely cut out all wedding talk, but try to limit it as much as possible around her.

    Good luck w/ everything!
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