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Wedding Etiquette Forum

MOH suddenly widdowed

I chose my best friend of 10 years to be my MOH. She is super organized and really is the best person for the job, but a month ago her significant other died suddenly leaving her utterly greif stricken. My wedding is 6 mo. away and we need to get the BM dresses all figured out.
I have a couple different styles that I let the girls choose from and my other 2 bm's have already determined what size they need to get, its been narrowed down to two different styles and the other 2 girls have been gracious enough to wait until my MOH decides what dress she likes best before they order theirs. But everytime that I try to make plans with my MOH to go try on dresses she cancels on my cuz she not up to it, 3 times so far.
I understand that she has a lot to go through and I've been there for her for all of it. She cancelled again today and I feel guilty for feeling let down and dissapointed.

I know she's not herself and needs time to heal, she has told me that she wants to be there for me, and hopes it will be soon, but it changes everyday. How do I approach this sittuation? Time is running out, and I don't want to force her to do anything.

Re: MOH suddenly widdowed

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-suddenly-widdowed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:edfa3fd0-b116-4cae-972f-0e570828881bPost:ecf36a44-9894-4fc6-bd9a-6623545bfc5a">MOH suddenly widdowed</a>:
    [QUOTE]I chose my best friend of 10 years to be my MOH. She is super organized and really is the best person for the job, Posted by mjnight420[/QUOTE]

    This is unrelated to her question, but I just DON'T GET girls that make this type of comment.  I picked my MOH/bridal party because they are my best friends/closest cousins...NOT because they fit some sort of job description. 

    OP You had better kick her out NOW.  I am sure she is not going to feel up to all the tasks on your MOH To-Do List.
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  • I'm surprised you're not getting torn apart on here. WTF is wrong with you? Your best friend lost her partner a month ago and your concerned about her bridesmaid dress for your wedding and you actually feel disappointed?  Really? 
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  • I am really sorry to hear about your MOH's SO.

    I think the best advice I have is this... Call her and invite to her to dinner or something non-wedding related. My mom passed away 6 months ago, and every one of my friends wanted to ignore the issue and talk about themselves... Not in a rude way, they thought they were being helpful and getting my mind off of it. I'm sure you have told her that you are there for her, but maybe just a girls night out enjoying a meal or a movie or something will help her. My best friend lives faaaar away, but for months now, we'll talk on the phone several nights a week... Not always about my mom, in fact, at this point, we just talk about life... She made a trip to see me a couple of weeks ago, and we got to enjoy the day together. I cannot express how much she has helped me through these months.

    I'm sure you have expressed your symphany, and since she is your best friend, I am positive that you have been there for her... It just takes time to heal from a passing of a dear loved one. Going and trying on bridesmaids dresses is probably a lot of her to handle right now... I'm sure she's happy for you, but, she's lost her SO... Which I hope none of us have to expirence. Talking wedding might be too hard for her to handle right now.

    I understand your concern about the dresses... But, I think she probably realizes how important it is to get her dress... She will come around... I promise she will! Just give it a little more time, a month or so. Where are you getting the dresses? Normally, bm dresses come in relatively quickly... a month or two MAX. Will they need a lot of alterations?
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  • edited April 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-suddenly-widdowed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:edfa3fd0-b116-4cae-972f-0e570828881bPost:0d59fa12-a353-4aec-b028-8bf5dc3c072d">Re: MOH suddenly widdowed</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to MOH suddenly widdowed : This is unrelated to her question, but I just DON'T GET girls that make this type of comment.  I picked my MOH/bridal party because they are my best friends/closest cousins...NOT because they fit some sort of job description. 
    Posted by Lyss5782[/QUOTE]
    I thought this sounded odd in the OP as well, given the context of the situation. I really and truly hope that her organizational skills aren't factoring in any way into why you're committed to keeping her as your MOH.

    It does sound like you care about her, so I agree with all the great advice here on proceeding with your wedding as planned, and finding a way to accommodate her dress situation later if she's still up for it. If she ends up dropping out later, then you just won't have an MOH, which is perfectly acceptable.

    I can't fathom what it must be like for her to try to get into someone's wedding after losing her love. I imagine it might be roughly like losing a child and then having to plan someone else's baby shower a month later, you know?



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  • I am so sorry to hear of her loss. Grief takes time and right now, I would just be there for her. She has time or like what the other girls, said just let it go. I am sure she wants to be there for you, but it sounds like she may need you more right now. I wish you the best.
  • Stop mentioning the wedding/dresses to her.  Let her bring it up when she is ready.  She is probably feeling like she is letting you down and she really needs her own time to grieve.  Be there for her, call her, and if she does bring up the wedding or dresses tell her there is absolutely NO PRESSURE.  In the grand scheme of life, the people are what's important.   Dresses are just dresses. 
  • I agree you need to drop this for a while. How would you feel if your fiance just died? Would you want to go dress shopping for a bridesmaid dress a month later? Not to mention, she's probablky thinking she'll never get to do this with her own friends - she probably figured she'd marry this guy and everything you're getting to do, she won't. It's rubbing it in her face some, though I'm sure you don't mean it that way.

    Find out the very last day you can order dresses, and tell her that date. She's an adult, she'll figure it out. She may ever prefer to just go alone. And for God's sake, make plans to have dinner with her and don't talk about your wedding for a day. You're going to have to take some time to take care of her.
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  • I can't imagine why she doesn't feel up to dress shopping.  I mean, it's not like he died yesterday, its been thirty WHOLE DAYS.  Talk about milking a situation.  God, some people are just so self centered and only think of themselves.  

    *side eye*

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  • Years will not be enough time.  I lost a friend in highschool and had serious problems with anythign remotely related to my relationship with him for at least 2 years, and he was just a good friend.  I couldn't imagin losing someone who I was intimately involved with for a long time...it would be devastating.  And to be bring up wedding stuff with her after just a month?  I assume you don't have any experience with losing someone close to you unexpectedly (thank god, that's a wonderful thing), but it's devastating and life altering, and anything remotely related to that person (like wedding plans to someone who just lost a significant other!) are just thrusting the knife in deeper.  Be there for her, love her, support her, and don't mention your wedding until she does.  Please. 
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  • WOW to all of you who totally slammed me on this. Does ripping other people down make you feel better about yourself?  Can you say judgemental? The situation is terrible. I know this. I am more involved with this situation that any of you.  
    Discussing WP with her has not been akward in any way, in fact she has told me that it is a nice distraction sometimes. She has also told me that she really hopes to be there for me 100% soon and it give her something to look forward too, even if it's not the way she thought it would be. I would never FORCE or PUSH the issue if it were something uncomfortable for her, nor would I ever "kick her out".  I chose her because she is my BEST FRIEND, and vice versa.

    Perhaps all you naysayers missed the part that "I feel GUILTY for feeling let down" Has that feeling been passed on to anyone else personally? Absolutely not. I just happened to be on here when it happened and thought I would put it down. Big mistake.
    It will happen however it happens. I will be there for my best friend through whatever she needs. If she had made any indication that she did not want to be a part of the WP or the wedding itself, than that is fine. I respect whatever decision she makes.
    If you all must know, I still went out to lunch, shopping and visiting with her and her family that day.
    SO all of you that feel the need to rip someone appart, I suggest you go pick on someone else, because I certainly wont be asking any of you for any sort of advise on anything again.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-suddenly-widdowed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:edfa3fd0-b116-4cae-972f-0e570828881bPost:c28ea213-459a-4b47-8662-f838e908f305">Re: MOH suddenly widdowed</a>:
    [QUOTE]WOW to all of you who totally slammed me on this. Does ripping other people down make you feel better about yourself?  Can you say judgemental? The situation is terrible. I know this. I am more involved with this situation that any of you.   Discussing WP with her has not been akward in any way, in fact she has told me that it is a nice distraction sometimes. She has also told me that she really hopes to be there for me 100% soon and it give her something to look forward too, even if it's not the way she thought it would be. I would never FORCE or PUSH the issue if it were something uncomfortable for her, nor would I ever "kick her out".  I chose her because she is my BEST FRIEND, and vice versa. Perhaps all you naysayers missed the part that "I feel GUILTY for feeling let down" Has that feeling been passed on to anyone else personally? Absolutely not. I just happened to be on here when it happened and thought I would put it down. Big mistake. It will happen however it happens. I will be there for my best friend through whatever she needs. If she had made any indication that she did not want to be a part of the WP or the wedding itself, than that is fine. I respect whatever decision she makes. If you all must know, I still went out to lunch, shopping and visiting with her and her family that day. SO all of you that feel the need to rip someone appart, I suggest you go pick on someone else, because I certainly wont be asking any of you for any sort of advise on anything again.
    Posted by mjnight420[/QUOTE]


    In your OP, you just kind of threw in the fact that she lost her SO. Your whole post was about dresses and time running out. If you just wanted to know if it was okay for your BMs to get their dresses now and let her get hers later, you could have asked that without all the whining about needing to get the dresses sorted out.
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