Was your bridal shower a surprise or not?

wedgirl853 · September 2012

My bridesmaid is throwing me a bridal shower. She asked for the list of guests to invite, which I gave her. It is supposed to be a surprise bridal shower. I know it's happening but don't know when or where. Her bridal shower was this way also when she got married a few years ago. My wedding is 2 months out and now everytime I go out of the house or meet up with this bridesmaid I am expecting people to pop out and yell "surprise"! I want to wear a pretty dress for my shower but I feel like I have to get dressed up everytime I leave the house now lol. My fiance won't tell me the date

I like to be prepared for things and it's stressing me out. I truly appreciate her throwing me this party but I wish I told her beforehand I didn't want it to be a surprise. I feel like it's too late now and I just have to wait for it to happen.

I know this isn't a big deal, I just felt like venting about it!

How many of you ladies had a surprise shower and how many knew about it?

lyndausvi · September 2012

My shower was not a surprise because I lived a plane ride away from everyone.

Every other shower I've attended we surprised. I never known any bride to be stressed over it being a surprise.

ETA - i should clarify that showers in my family are fairly casual at-home events. Guests don't wear t-shrits and shorts, but no one is dressed up either. Jeans, nice top, that sort of thing.

Brides have always been appropriately dressed like they were attending a family cook-out or dinner. No one has every shown up looking like crap. The cover story made sure they were not showing up in a sweats with no make-up.

I have to say my family is fairly casual in their attire in general. I don't know anyone who had a dress specifically for the shower.

My DH's family is the opposite. they would not do well with a surprise shower.

MrsGandthebeag · September 2012

Neither of mine were a surprise.

baird32 · September 2012

I knew about mine. Voice your concerns about not knowing and she'll understand.

[Deleted User] · September 2012

When I planned my sister's bridal shower she told me what days were good for her. Her work schedule prevents her from being spontaneous so she knew when and where and gave me a list of guests but that's it.

yoshijo · September 2012

My sister was the same and so am I. For my sister's shower we compromised. It was a surprise until the day of. She also wanted to wear something specific. All we told her one Saturday was to "wear her dress." From that she understood that her shower was that day. She did not know the location, but we did let her know the day of so she could be prepared.

RebeccaB88 · September 2012

I think I would hurt anyone who planned me a surprise shower, no matter how close or well-intentioned it was. I HATE surprises of all kinds, violently, to the point where I would walk out of anything planned to surprise me. I've already told my mom and FI to under no circumstances permit anyone to surprise me with any party, because I will be horrible about it and not feel badly one bit. (Did I mention how much I hate surprises?) If I got wind that someone was planning a surprise anything, and I was lucky enough to find out when it was, I'd make extra sure I wasn't anywhere available on that day. Fortunately surprise showers aren't really done here, and those close enough to me to know me well enough to throw a party know my feelings, so I'm not really worried about it happening. But I think they are in extremely poor taste, unless the bride really wants it to be that way. Every bride should have the chance to be dressed up and looking her best for her shower, have hostess gifts and thank you notes ready at the time of the party, and not have to have her schedule or plans messed up because someone else thinks this would be fun.

OP, I think you have the right to know about this party and are within your rights to ask the hostess to tell you when it is, even if it is under the guise of needing to plan work schedules/weekends away/make other commitments/etc. I think I'd decline the shower if she refused to tell me.

MrsMack10612 · September 2012

Mine was a complete (mostly) surprise. During the week or so leading up to it, I had inklings that something was going on; but no concrete evidence.

My BMs conspired with my FI to make sure I was free and dressed appropriately. The cover story was that we were having lunch with his boss.

I'm not huge on surprises, but it was so great to see so many folks get together and they snuck my mom up from NJ and we were all surprised by the presence of my one OOT BM.

I'm not big on surprises, but Rebecca I think you've kind of a bad attitude. It's really crappy to say that you would walk out on something and not feel badly about it after people have worked really hard and spent time/money on you.

What if you FI's family decided to do something not knowing how you feel? Would you really cause a rift with his family because of it?

RebeccaB88 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_was-your-bridal-shower-a-surprise-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bbb6089-994e-4d84-bc74-dbc376f693cfPost:0acedcfc-4b65-499c-9d99-89d6797c27c2">Re: Was your bridal shower a surprise or not?</a>:
[QUOTE] I'm not big on surprises, but Rebecca I think you've kind of a bad attitude. It's really crappy to say that you would walk out on something and not feel badly about it after people have worked really hard and spent time/money on you. What if you FI's family decided to do something not knowing how you feel? Would you really cause a rift with his family because of it?
Posted by kjhowd[/QUOTE]

As I said, my mom and FI have already been forewarned that they are not to allow anyone to surprise me with anything, and I trust them to spill the plan to me regardless. If they want to think they're surprising me, so be it, I'll let that happen. But someone will be required to let me in on it. My wedding party will also be told about the no surprises thing, so they will be prepared. Anyone who would want to throw me a party would have to go through at least one of these people to make it happen or get me there. We don't have much of a relationship with FI's family, and certainly not enough of one for them to spend money or time on us (most of them aren't even invited because they don't speak to FI's parents), so I think I'm safe there. Plus, they'd have to go through him to get to me, so he'd know to tell me. Yes, I would leave. Go home to change clothes and compose myself, and return, maybe. But the anger and disrespect I'd feel over it would probably change our relationship forever.

Bottom line, those who know me well enough to throw me a party will either already know how I feel about surprises, will be forewarned, or will find out from my mom or FI. If they care enough to want to do this, I will gratefully accept, but only on the grounds that it is not a surprise. Otherwise I would decline it. I've never known anyone around here to have thrown, attended, or been the recipient of a surprise shower anyway, so I'm confident there won't be a problem.

achiduck · September 2012

My shower is not a surprise. The girls consulted me about the date and guest list but I don't know what is planned other than that.

random4180 · September 2012

I had a surprise shower. I was not at all expecting it and was completely surprised (I think I technically had two- my class at school surprised me as well with a potluck lunch- everything was vegan for me!- and a gift card.) I never expected it, never planned on having one, and was completely fine with not having one. It was like a bachelorette party; I didn't have one of those and seriously couldn't have cared less that I didn't (they're a bit odd to me?? I've never been a part of one. My H had a bachelor party and I have no issues with him having a party, lol, it's just not for me. But I'll admit the bridal shower was kinda fun...my family from two other states were there, all of my nieces, my H's family- we had fondue and played games and we got presents and it was really touching. I will admit, I did not look my best as it was mid-July and 90-something but it was easy for me to get over that because not a single person who was there was there to see what I was wearing. If I was the type of person who had "outfits," beyond shorts and a tank top, i might take that sort of thing personally but, meh, I'm not.

Loopyseven · September 2012

Neither of mine were surprises. One was out of town, so I had to make arrangements to travel there, and the other - well the fact that I was working 2 jobs and up to 70 hours a week between the two meant they had to clear the date with me to make sure I was off work. But I've never been to a surprise shower so they're not the norm in my circles. I would drive myself crazy knowing a surprise was coming but not knowing when. It would not go over well, and I'd probably take it out on H

.

LD1970 · September 2012

Mine was 100% surprise. I mean, I figured I was getting one because I know my friends & famly, but the date/time/location were a complete surprise. There are ways to get the guest of honor there & make sure she's dressed appropriately without giving it away. And have the guest of honor plan ahead too.

My sister (MOH) is a veterinarian & "invited" me to come to a "fundraiser" for this veterinary group of which she's a member. She made a fake flyer for it & emailed it to me, and said she was actually paying for all 6 of us to go - her & her H, our parents, and me & my then-FI. So I had the date blocked out for this "fundraiser" I was attending. My mom told me my sister's boss & his wife would be there, and we should dress nicely. So that took care of that.

At the restaurant, H (then FI) said he'd drop me at the door of the restaurant while he went to find parking. My BIL had made a poster for the restaurant's sign board for the fake fundraiser, directing "attendees" to the party room upstairs. I traipsed on up to find my sis, BIL, mom, and dad while H parked the car... and it turned out to be my shower (dad & BIL weren't there, obviously).

I have creative and brilliant family & friends. Seriously.

kipnus · September 2012

I hate surprises and I have a pretty crazy schedule, so neither of my showers were surprises. I didn't know that was a "thing" until getting on TK.

lyradimer · September 2012

I'm not getting a shower. So neither.

LD1970 · September 2012

I didn't know there were people who *didn't* have surprise showers 'til TK.

MoonlightSilver · September 2012

My shower was a surprise. My mother asked me to go to a bridal show with her, and then on the way home stopped by my aunts house to "drop something off." My shower was obviously at my aunt's house, and everyone was there. I knew it was going to happen, I just didn't know when or where.

I was not stressed about the shower at all. My mom knew my schedule, as did my FI, who she consulted with.

If you really want to know the date, why wont your FI tell you? Or you could ask the BM. The only difference between a surprise shower and a non-surprise shower is whether or not people yell "Surprise!" at the beginning.

SB1512 · September 2012

I work a lot of per diem jobs on the weekends so mine will not be a surprise because I need to make sure not to pick up work. Also since my wedding is in June my shower will most likely be in may and I'll be finishing up my masters program so the hosts need to make sure it doesn't coincide with the weekend before finals or graduation. I'm glad because I would not want a surprise shower, I want to be able to look nice and on the weekend I usually bum around in gym clothes

wedgirl853 · September 2012

Thanks for the responses ladies! I have convinced my fiance to make sure on the day of the shower I am dressed in the dress I purchased

That makes me feel much better at least. He originally did not want to tell me the date because he didn't want to get in trouble lol. I just wanted to make sure I looked and dressed appropriately being that I already have anxiety about being in the center of attention. I def. could ask my bridesmaid the date but I just feel bad "spoiling the fun", as I know she already made the plans and made sure to tell everyone it was a surprise. I just want to play along and be a good sport, if that makes sense. I do feel much better knowing I am not the only one who dislikes surprise parties.

mbuckley85 · September 2012

Pulling off a total surprise would have been next to impossible. I knew the time and place and guest list, but I really wasn't in on the small details.

Jules226 · September 2013

Looks like I am a year late on this thread, but I am really relieved to see that I am not just being a whiny control freak by feeling slightly nervous about a surprise party. I accidentally saw an email from my mom on my fiance's phone with the subject line of my shower -- oops! I had never heard of surprise showers before, so it's helpful to know that this is standard practice, and maybe in my mom's day, this was how they were always done. I will try not to be too stressed about it and just roll with how things go -- but I do think it would be easier for everyone (especially her!) if I could at least know about it. Communication has been HUGE in making wedding planning go smoothly so far, so it feels weird to have this element that has no communication going on at all.

Dreamergirl8812 · September 2013

Oh.

Amsdragonfly · September 2013

I had two showers- one I knew about that was planned, the other was a total surprise thrown by coworkers of mine.

I thought I was going to a coworker's house for a lunch thing with her and two other ladies from work. I show up and go inside and all these people jump out and yelled "surprise!" I was shocked and felt kinda dumb cuz I looked at them all and didn't get it until I saw a pile of presents and then was like "Is this for me? Ohmygosh!" And they all laughed. You coulda knocked me over with a feather- I've never been that surprised in my life. I can't tell you how good they made me feel.

moosette113 · September 2013

I think it's probably a good idea that my shower isn't a surprise. My wonderful MOH and bridesmaids asked which weekends would be best for me, and then told me the exact date based on my schedule. The shower is this Saturday and up until this afternoon, both my mother and step-mother were convinced it was taking place on Sunday. So while everyone else will probably show up because they are capable of reading an invitation, my mother and step-mother would be curiously absent if I wasn't aware of the details

ETA sorry for not noticing how old the thread was and inadvertently keeping it alive...

Was your bridal shower a surprise or not?

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