What is the deal with "pre-engagment"??

stacy_19201325 · October 2011

This concept of pre-engagement really weirds me out. The "I know he's picked out a ring and is going to propose" stuff. If you know about it, and he knows you know about it, and you're both in agreement about the whole marriage idea, how are you not engaged?

Two adults who have decided they will marry one another fits the definition of engaged. If he knows you're marrying him, and you know he's marrying you - that's engaged.

polkadot111 · October 2011

Correct.

Swazzle · October 2011

I don't personally believe in a "pre-engagement". Before FI proposed we were in a relationship/dating. He was my boyfriend. The end.

I don't necessarily agree with the second part of what you said. He & I both knew we would marry each other and we looked at rings together back in June but I didn't consider us engaged until August 30th when he asked me to marry him, I said yes, & he put the ring on my finger.

TheMutleys · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-pre-engagment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5568ba00-2e7a-4018-93d4-e582afcde12fPost:8333952c-25a8-4bf6-be5e-c7a2d3656cf2">What is the deal with "pre-engagment"??</a>:
[QUOTE]This concept of pre-engagement really weirds me out. The "I know he's picked out a ring and is going to propose" stuff. If you know about it, and he knows you know about it, and you're both in agreement about the whole marriage idea, how are you not engaged?

Two adults who have decided they will marry one another fits the definition of engaged. If he knows you're marrying him, and you know he's marrying you - that's engaged.
Posted by stacy_19201325[/QUOTE]

A couple is engaged when BOTH people agree that they are engaged. It isn't up to outsiders to decide that. If someone doesn't consider himself/herself engaged, then they aren't engaged.

I do think that a girl could know that her guy is going to propose without being engaged. I wouldn't call it 'pre-engagement.' It is called being in a serious relationship.

I do think that a couple can know that they want to marry one another WITHOUT being engaged. In fact, I think a couple should know this before getting engaged. It is what leads to getting engaged down the road.

karlee4ever · October 2011

Its only weird when the person uses the term pre-engaged or unofficially engaged and uses that time to plan a wedding. Its just "not engaged" people. IMO.

leia1979 · October 2011

I agree with Mutley's statement. I think "pre-engagement" doesn't exist.

OP, what prompted this post? It seems kind of out of the blue.

AnneR15 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-pre-engagment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5568ba00-2e7a-4018-93d4-e582afcde12fPost:0e09ee65-7f1c-4264-9f45-f276bcc9cb00">Re: What is the deal with "pre-engagment"??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to What is the deal with "pre-engagment"?? : A couple is engaged when BOTH people agree that they are engaged. It isn't up to outsiders to decide that. If someone doesn't consider himself/herself engaged, then they aren't engaged. I do think that a girl could know that her guy is going to propose without being engaged. I wouldn't call it 'pre-engagement.' It is called being in a serious relationship. I do think that a couple can know that they want to marry one another WITHOUT being engaged. In fact, I think a couple should know this before getting engaged. It is what leads to getting engaged down the road.
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

Well put.

And I agree with Leia. You're kind of preaching to the choir over here. What prompted the post?

stacy_19201325 · October 2011

<p class="MsoNormal">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-pre-engagment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5568ba00-2e7a-4018-93d4-e582afcde12fPost:2694224f-4e03-435c-ba35-09bea6d8963d">Re: What is the deal with "pre-engagment"??</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with Mutley's statement. I think "pre-engagement" doesn't exist. OP, what prompted this post? It seems kind of out of the blue.
Posted by leia1979[/QUOTE]</p><p class="MsoNormal">Just seeing so many posts dealing with this very thing...We've gone and looked at rings, picked one out, I know he bought it, just waiting for him to give it to me.</p><p class="MsoNormal">If you decided as a couple to buy an engagement ring, and you are going to get married, what difference does it make if it's on your finger yet?</p> <p class="MsoNormal">
[QUOTE]II do think that a couple can know that they want to marry one another WITHOUT being engaged.[/QUOTE]

I think knowing you WANT to marry is a different thing entirely from agreeing that you are GOING to marry.</p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p>I have the same wierdness about the idea of promise rings. You promise to promise to get married? How is that any different from promising to get married? <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />

[Deleted User] · October 2011

I completely agree with RDR and Mutley on this one. I know my BF has a ring, I know he'll propose someday...but I in no way consider myself engaged. I do not call this time "pre-engagement" and I do not call myself "unofficially engaged". I am dating a guy that I am serious about and will most likely marry if and when he asks.

CCO2012 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-pre-engagment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5568ba00-2e7a-4018-93d4-e582afcde12fPost:4d11426e-bce5-422d-a93a-07a1e3569ea3">Re: What is the deal with "pre-engagment"??</a>:
[QUOTE]FI told me many times before we were actually engaged that we were "practically engaged." What he meant was that we both knew we wanted to get married, and that a proposal was going to be sooner rather than later. But we didn't consider ourselves engaged until he proposed (with a ring, although that's always optional). Up until that moment he was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend. We were in a serious, committed relationship. That's it. In Response to What is the deal with "pre-engagment"?? : A guy buying a ring doesn't mean his GF is now his FI. I knew he was buying one, I didn't know when he bought it though. He didn't become my FI until he presented it to me and asked me to spend the rest of our lives together. <strong> I really don't agree with that at all. There is a whole world of difference between agreeing about your future together and being engaged to someone. When you get engaged, you're making an announcement that you are committing to spending the rest of your life with someone (and that a wedding is in the near future). </strong>
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

THIS! We knew we wanted to be married someday very early into the relationship. As my father would put it, I had found the lid to my pot. But we weren't engaged when we said that. He bought a ring last January because the style was being discontinued and he got a great deal on it. We weren't engaged then either. We are still not engaged. We will be engaged when he gives me the ring and we announce that we are planning our wedding.

leia1979 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-pre-engagment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5568ba00-2e7a-4018-93d4-e582afcde12fPost:40b4917a-6d8d-4bcd-99ff-8b55491da032">Re: What is the deal with "pre-engagment"??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What is the deal with "pre-engagment"?? : Just seeing so many posts dealing with this very thing...We've gone and looked at rings, picked one out, I know he bought it, just waiting for him to give it to me. <strong>If you decided as a couple to buy an engagement ring, and you are going to get married, what difference does it make if it's on your finger yet? </strong> I think knowing you WANT to marry is a different thing entirely from agreeing that you are GOING to marry. I have the same wierdness about the idea of promise rings. You promise to promise to get married? How is that any different from promising to get married?
Posted by stacy_19201325[/QUOTE]

I think this is up to the particular couple. H and I purchased my ring together, but we weren't engaged until he asked me and I said yes. The ring was only a small part of the equation--the official question and answer were more important to me. Heck, we knew we were going to get married before we bought the ring, but we weren't engaged until he asked.

If another couple wants to do that differently, that's fine as long as they are both in agreement.

stacy_19201325 · October 2011

Maybe it's a deeper question I have, then. If you both agree you want to marry - why don't you just do it?

And if it's a matter of it being inconvenient at the time, or not having the money, why do you not consider yourself engaged? If you ARE going to get married?

<strong><strong>[quote]There is a whole world of difference between agreeing about your future together and being engaged to someone. When you get engaged, you're making an announcement that you are committing to spending the rest of your life with someone (and that a wedding is in the near future). </strong></strong>[/quote]

I don't understand this at all. Agreeing about your future together is NOT committing to spending the rest of your life with someone? If you're not both committed, then you are not in agreement.

CCO2012 · October 2011

Well, big reason we are not engaged yet is that BF still is paying on the ring. He doesn't want to start our life together as man and wife in debt over the ring. When the ring is paid-off then he will ask and I will say yes, then we will be engaged. We don't want a long engagement, because being engaged isn't the important part to us. Its the commitment that is important. For us the engagement is just there so we can plan the wedding.

karlee4ever · October 2011

I think you are thinking too much into this. Engagements are for when youre ready to get married and plan a wedding. But any couple can do what they see fit. There doesnt have to be an engagement or an engagement ring. You can just be ready and go to JP and get married if you want. Or a man can give a romantic proposal and beautiful ring to his girlfriend and have a year long engagement and wedding planning. I dont know... Its not rocket science.

leia1979 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-pre-engagment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5568ba00-2e7a-4018-93d4-e582afcde12fPost:19b4ac80-5af5-44ac-ad29-beca14beae47">Re: What is the deal with "pre-engagment"??</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe it's a deeper question I have, then. If you both agree you want to marry - why don't you just do it? And if it's a matter of it being inconvenient at the time, or not having the money, why do you not consider yourself engaged? If you ARE going to get married?
Posted by stacy_19201325[/QUOTE]

Well, I wanted a year to plan the wedding. H specifically told me that he wanted to propose to me. So I waited for the proposal, and then we got married one year later. We did not consider ourselves engaged until there was an official proposal.

At this point it's all personal preference. If two people decide they want to get married, there's nothing stopping them from going to city hall or whatever their state/country's regulations might be. There is no one answer to your question. If that's what you want to do, what's stopping you?

Engaged is not a recognized relationship status in the US or Canada. There are no rules as to what constitutes engaged. The general rule of thumb here is that both parties agree they are engaged.

Oh, somebody get me the flowchart!

stacy_19201325 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-pre-engagment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5568ba00-2e7a-4018-93d4-e582afcde12fPost:a5fd6679-228d-4166-bbe8-e59c9364a538">Re: What is the deal with "pre-engagment"??</a>:
[QUOTE]OP - I'm kinda confused as to what your whole point is. Are you trying to convince yourself or someone else that you are engaged because your BF bought a ring? Have you planned your entire wedding and someone told you that you're crazy, so you need to justify your relationship status?
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

Um...no?

I just think it's weird to see all these posts from people who *KNOW* they are getting married, but aren't "engaged". To me, that just seems like knowing you're going to have a baby, but not considering yourself "pregnant". It makes no sense to me.

TheMutleys · October 2011

That about sums up how I feel about this post.

CASK85 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-pre-engagment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5568ba00-2e7a-4018-93d4-e582afcde12fPost:c9e0355f-b416-4c85-a74c-36f27cd6370f">Re: What is the deal with "pre-engagment"??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What is the deal with "pre-engagment"?? : Um...no? I just think it's weird to see all these posts from people who *KNOW* they are getting married, but aren't "engaged". To me, that just seems like knowing you're going to have a baby, but not considering yourself "pregnant". It makes no sense to me.
Posted by stacy_19201325[/QUOTE]
I know I will have a baby some day but I'm not pregnant right now. <div>
</div><div>I knew FI and I would get married, but we weren't engaged until he proposed. </div><div>
</div><div>plain and simple. </div>

TheMutleys · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-pre-engagment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5568ba00-2e7a-4018-93d4-e582afcde12fPost:c9e0355f-b416-4c85-a74c-36f27cd6370f">Re: What is the deal with "pre-engagment"??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What is the deal with "pre-engagment"?? : Um...no? I just think it's weird to see all these posts from people who *KNOW* they are getting married, but aren't "engaged". <strong>To me, that just seems like knowing you're going to have a baby, but not considering yourself "pregnant". </strong> It makes no sense to me.
Posted by stacy_19201325[/QUOTE]

Sorry but your analogy doesn't add up.

Also, a couple can know that they are going to get married but not be engaged YET. It's not rocket science. In a healthy relationship, there should be many conversations regarding marriage PRIOR to getting engaged. One should not get engaged and then talk about the couple's views regarding marriage. I definitely do not feel like a proposal or an engagement should be a surprise. The couple should already know that they are on the same page regarding marriage.

You make no sense to me. Why do you care if someone else is waitng to get engaged for whatever reason? That makes a heck of a lot more sense to me than running into engagement/marriage immediately after a couple comes to the conclusion that they are in agreement about wanting to marry one another.

Elle1036 · October 2011

I don't get it either. You're engaged when you agree to begin planning a wedding. Just like you're pregnant when you're fertilized.

karlee4ever · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-pre-engagment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5568ba00-2e7a-4018-93d4-e582afcde12fPost:30163dc9-562a-4ed4-963d-16a5c1ed0075">Re: What is the deal with "pre-engagment"??</a>:
[QUOTE]That about sums up how I feel about this post.
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

This.

TheMutleys · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_did-10?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:29f3adf1-a5b7-4fe2-98a5-feca97eedf2fPost:918ff276-0af4-4d15-a7ac-e9a9764ddc9b">Re: When did you know?</a>:
[QUOTE]Five days after our first date.
Posted by stacy_19201325[/QUOTE]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_ring-appraisal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:b6128858-c005-4c51-9345-9e19e6f0eccaPost:15a5c5ff-005b-40e7-8ff0-85e4b03847e4">Re: Ring Appraisal</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't worry about the process. They are not judging how much your ring is "worth." They are assessing the cost to replace it at today's market. It does not matter if you use an independent appraiser or one who works for a jeweler, as long as they are certified to do appraisals.

Some places have you make an appointment for an appraisal, others have you leave the ring because their appraiser is backed up or has other jobs to do than solely appraising items.

Just find someone you trust. Most jewelers become so accustomed to having valuable merchandise around, it doesn't phase them.

(<strong>And it is kind of insulting when you just took in a repair for someone's 3ct diamond to have the next customer be all wishy-washy about leaving their 1/4 ct.</strong> Yes, we understand it's special to you. So are the hundreds of other people's rings we see every day. Either you trust us or you don't.)
Posted by stacy_19201325[/QUOTE]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_old-were-married-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:9fa58e2c-12a5-44cf-ab5c-71833bd62ba6Post:750d38a0-8f64-48a1-ad8a-6d85d138e6a2">How old were you when you married for the first time?</a>:
[QUOTE]Please, divorced people only! I want to see how many of you, like me, got married young and it didn't last.
Posted by stacy_19201325[/QUOTE]

I deem you a speshul snowflake who knew that she was going to get married 5 days after her 1st date and now has a speshul 3ct ring because being older with a big rock means that your marriage is going to last.

<a href="#" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '9cde2343-9eeb-4ac0-bfa7-895887682e04', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/12/15/9cde2343-9eeb-4ac0-bfa7-895887682e04.medium.png" alt="" /></a>

CCO2012 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-pre-engagment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5568ba00-2e7a-4018-93d4-e582afcde12fPost:49749d46-5c40-454e-9dee-3104d85cddb5">Re: What is the deal with "pre-engagment"??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: When did you know? : In Response to Re: Ring Appraisal : In Response to How old were you when you married for the first time? : I deem you a speshul snowflake who knew that she was going to get married 5 days after her 1st date and now has a speshul 3ct ring because being older with a big rock means that your marriage is going to last.<a href="#" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '5ae7e6f1-6da7-4dbc-9a6a-0632765718ac', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));"> </a>Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

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[Deleted User] · October 2011

I don't see how I can argue with stupid...

danimarie88 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-pre-engagment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5568ba00-2e7a-4018-93d4-e582afcde12fPost:49749d46-5c40-454e-9dee-3104d85cddb5">Re: What is the deal with "pre-engagment"??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: When did you know? : In Response to Re: Ring Appraisal : In Response to How old were you when you married for the first time? : I deem you a speshul snowflake who knew that she was going to get married 5 days after her 1st date and now has a speshul 3ct ring because being older with a big rock means that your marriage is going to last.
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

Zing!

csousa1 · October 2011

Um, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that she was just trying to agree with us that terms like "pre-engagement" and "unofficially engaged" are kitten-killing, slanderous, verbal grenades of badness. You either are.....or you aren't. We all say that all the time. I think OP was just trying to say the same thing.

Granted, it got super confusing and this thought train got very derailed, but I believe that is all OP was saying in her OP.

I could be wrong, though. That is ENTIRELY possible.

kaitlynmichelle · October 2011

I am not engaged. I have had discussions with my BF about getting married at some point in the future, so I know that it will probably happen. We haven't gone ring shopping yet and I don't expect a proposal for some time yet.

I think "pre-engaged' or "engaged to be engaged" is stupid. I also think that this thread got a little insane and Mutley's post was awesome.

Swazzle · October 2011

Mutley, you never cease to amaze me

TheMutleys · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-pre-engagment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5568ba00-2e7a-4018-93d4-e582afcde12fPost:b8a9b540-ee16-45dc-888f-e2766324ff4f">Re: What is the deal with "pre-engagment"??</a>:
[QUOTE]Um, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that she was just trying to agree with us that terms like "pre-engagement" and "unofficially engaged" are kitten-killing, slanderous, verbal grenades of badness. You either are.....or you aren't. We all say that all the time. I think OP was just trying to say the same thing.

Granted, it got super confusing and this thought train got very derailed, but I believe that is all OP was saying in her OP.

I could be wrong, though. That is ENTIRELY possible.
Posted by csousa1[/QUOTE]

She was saying that once a couple 'knows' that they are getting married, then they are engaged. Or that once the ring is bought, the couple is engaged. I don't see that as the same thing as the consensus around here. In fact, it is pretty much the opposite.

Also, none of the regulars around here refer to those times as 'pre-engagement.' I cannot account for the BSCs.

csousa1 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-pre-engagment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5568ba00-2e7a-4018-93d4-e582afcde12fPost:95e238f3-2302-4064-88fa-82c9ee32b504">Re: What is the deal with "pre-engagment"??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What is the deal with "pre-engagment"?? : She was saying that once a couple 'knows' that they are getting married, then they are engaged. Or that once the ring is bought, the couple is engaged. I don't see that as the same thing as the consensus around here. In fact, it is pretty much the opposite. Also, none of the regulars around here refer to those times as 'pre-engagement.' I cannot account for the BSCs.
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

All that I totally agree with. The whole "if you want to do it why don't you" part that she said, I did not agree with.

By "we all say that", I meant that we all say that terms like pre-engagement are stupid and invalid.

I think she started off saying something we all agree with - that those terms are stupid - but veered off into a weird definition-of-engagement spiral that we do not agree with.

Basically my post was pointless. So is this one. But there you have it.

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