Bridesmaid Issues

SDiLug12 · December 2011

Ok - I'm having a hard time deciding what to do about a certain bridesmaid. My best friend from high school was far from enthusiastic when I told her my engagement news. Her morals/goals are centered around a successful career, being indepedent, etc. Mine are around raising a family, settling down. She's always been judgemental of my traditional lifestyle. I called her with the news and she was very fake over the phone. I explained how he proposed (very simple, at home where we are comfortable, very romantic) and she paused and said "well...that's interesting I guess... I have to go, I'll call you later"... hasn't called back yet.
Long story short... if she's not supportive I dont want her in my wedding. She lives 8 hours a way as it is and if she's not on board I dont see her traveling back and forth for fittings, shower, etc.
How do I tell her I don't want her in my wedding unless she's genuinely supportive?
O, also... she and my fiance's sister dated the same guy back in high school/early college. They hate eachother. It would make for an uncomfortable bridal party with that tension alone.

Any advice is much appreciated!

jagore08 · December 2011

I can understand not wanting anyone in your WP if they aren't supportive of you or your relationship but is it that or is it that she just isn't into serious relationiships and all that goes with it (for herself, not you).

If she is in the wedding, she doesn't have to travel back and forth for fittings and showers. All of my BM except one lived OOT and the only one that came to my shower was the in town BM. It would be nice to have them there for everything, if that's what you want, but it's not mandatory of them to be in a WP.

The thing between your friend and FSIL, they just need to act like adults for your wedding. It's obviously in the past and they should suck it up and be grown ups.

Oh, and I just saw your wedding date isn't until June 2013, wait until fall 2012 to ask your BM. Things can change in your friendships (don't belive me, look through the many threads on the boards). Good luck in your decision.

Viczaesar · December 2011

Did you already ask her to be a bridesmaid? If so, she's your bridesmaid, period. If you haven't asked anyone yet, wait until you're a year out or less before you ask anyone, and ask those with whom you are closest - the only requirement any of them have is showing up on the wedding day in the selected attire, which should be chosen with their budget and comfort in mind. Whether or not they can or will travel back and forth for fittings and showers and whatnot is immaterial, and should play no part in your decision about who to ask to be in your wedding party. If your friend is 8 hours away she probably won't make it to fittings, but frankly she doesn't sound all that interested in weddings so even if she was close by she probably wouldn't want to come to your wedding dress fittings, and there's no reason that her bridesmaid dress fittings would have to be in your town.

So back to your friend. She doesn't sound like she's unsupportive about your relationship with your FI, from what you've said. It sounds like she doesn't put a lot of importance on weddings and being married, just like you don't put a lot of importance on being a career woman. Neither of you are wrong. She doesn't have to be "Squeeee wedding!!!!!" to be a good friend and bridesmaid. If you've already asked her to be in the wedding, there's no nice way to say "Show more excitement about my party or I'll kick you out!" Kicking people out of the wedding is a friendship ending move, and doing it because someone isn't excited enough for you is a bridezilla move. Don't do it.

kaitlyn&henry · December 2011

if you already asked her, your stuck with her unless your willing to end the friendship. If you have asked her already....why did you to begin with if she has always been so unsupportive of your lifestyle choices?

froggatt.clare · December 2011

It sounds to me like your friend isn't necessarily NOT supportive of you, you two just have different priorities. And that's totally ok. Friends can have different lifestyles and still get along great. She can still be a bridesmaid, even if she isn't into weddings, if that is what you would like.

As PPs stated, wait until you're a year from your wedding to ask the BP, if you haven't yet asked. If you two are still close, then that answers your question for you.

As for the high school drama, she and your FI's sister will hopefully be adults at the wedding and will be civil to each other. If they do not, it only reflects poorly on them.

RaptorSLH · December 2011

If you haven't already asked people, wait. PPs are right about saving yourself trouble if relationships change. PPs also correct that if you've already asked her, you're stuck.

There are ways to work around the dress shopping and such (including lightening up on expectations,) and if she and FSIL are adults, they should be able to be polite for a day.

Your main point, though, is valid - if she doesn't support your marriage or your lifestyle, she doesn't have to be in your wedding party. Having been your best friend in the past does not give her an automatic invite now. Wait until closer to the wedding and see if she warms up to it. If she doesn't, you don't have to have her in the wedding party. No notice of non-selection necessary; you either don't ask her at all, or you invite her as a guest, based on your relationship at the time.

owengirl996 · December 2011

I agree to wait on asking your party. If things do not change, I would not ask her. I have to disagree with a PP and you do not sound like a lousy friend. A lousy friend would not have called her to tell her. Just because she doesn't agree with how you live your life does not mean she needs to be rude. Unless you left something out, I missed how "well, that's interesting" is congratulating you? So, it was rude not to at least say congratulations. If she can't handle that, I'd say she's not a very good friend. If she shows up at your wedding, great! But, by what you've said just from your above post, I would not ask her.

I had a friend that did not congratulate me, at any point, either. She was not made a BM, but she will most definitely still be invited. She sounds pretty similar to the friend you're describing. I basically just stressed the fact I didn't want a huge wedding party, and that, since she's been in so many weddings (not always so willingly), i thought it might be nice for her to just enjoy going to a wedding with her family and friends (I'm inviting her parents too). It went over well, and she lives 4 hrs from where I'm from/getting married and said that she was fine with that as she would have trouble being at wedding related events due to this. Not that having my WP at these events is mandatory, it was just what she said.

Good luck, and try not to stress about it...just go with what your gut says in a few months

It's your day and you can have who you want in your WP...and in my opinion, that should be close friends/family who SUPPORT your marriage!

em01092 · December 2011

Ditto PPs.

SDiLug12 · January 2012

Owengirl996 - thanks for your post. Not sure why people would take the time to post I'm a "lousy friend" and make that outlandish of an insult from reading one post. But anyway, I have not yet asked her to my in my bridal party but we've been best friends for 10 years and like all girls we talked about weddings since high school so its always been said that 'of course we'd be in eachothers WPs'.
Nonetheless, I'll hold off until Fall to formally do WP requests.

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