Including children in the ceremony

mrshall1027 · July 2012

Since a friend of ours is officiating the wedding, I am writing up the entire ceremony on my own with the help of google

Unfortunately, I haven't really been able to find much on including the children from a previous marriage into the ceremony. I found where you say vows to each other, but I think they are too shy for that and they would be too uncomfortable which would make it really awkward.

Ideally, I would like to just add something onto the end of my vows to FI and then work a way of presenting them both with their own rings or necklace. I just can't figure out the wording.

We will both be saying the same vows to eachother, but I am going to add this to the end of mine:

"I not only stand here and promise to be a loving and faithful Wife, I promise to be a patient, loving and caring Mother to Ava and Isla. I accept them as my own and promise to always be there for them, to listen to them, advise them, and love them until the end of our days."

Should I say something about presenting them with the ring/necklace or should I have the officiant say something and ask them to come up so that I can give it to them? At what point should I do it - after I am done saying that part in the vows or when FI and I present our rings to eachother?

Peavy · July 2012

The reason you can't find anything about including children in the vows is because the children aren't getting married. Only you and your fiance, the two consenting adults, are making a legal contract. Children really should not be included in vows.

If the children's mother is still in the picture, I think what you have written is not appropriate. They already have a mother.

lostmykeys · July 2012

Please do not bring children into your vows. They do not have the maturity to understand and handle serious vows , especially in a public situation.

mrshall1027 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_including-children-in-the-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:5aaf747d-6504-4780-b445-a5e682747a98Post:cb93f0f6-0e9d-4ce9-8dad-a985d5110749">Re: Including children in the ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]The reason you can't find anything about including children in the vows is because the children aren't getting married. Only you and your fiance, the two consenting adults, are making a legal contract. Children really should not be included in vows. If the children's mother is still in the picture, I think what you have written is not appropriate. They already have a mother.
Posted by Peavy[/QUOTE]

<div>We want to include them and they want to be included so we are going to do it. This is going to come out rude, but I didn't ask if we should or shouldn't do this. I wanted advice on <em>how</em> to do this. It's been done before and it will be done again. I can see that you don't agree with it, but it's not your wedding.<div>
</div><div>Yes, the childrens mother is still in the picture, but we have them half of the time and they will remember me being there just as much as their mother. I consider them my children and that won't ever change. So, even if you don't see it this way, I am a mother figure to them and I always will be. It's almost insulting for you to tell me it isn't appropriate.</div></div>

acaponi87 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_including-children-in-the-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:5aaf747d-6504-4780-b445-a5e682747a98Post:efd39689-3f5e-48d8-a687-d50a407afca6">Re: Including children in the ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Including children in the ceremony : We want to include them and they want to be included so we are going to do it. This is going to come out rude, but I didn't ask if we should or shouldn't do this. I wanted advice on how to do this. It's been done before and it will be done again. I can see that you don't agree with it, but it's not your wedding. Yes, the childrens mother is still in the picture, but we have them half of the time and they will remember me being there just as much as their mother. I consider them my children and that won't ever change. So, even if you don't see it this way, I am a mother figure to them and I always will be. It's almost insulting for you to tell me it isn't appropriate.
Posted by ystaalenburg[/QUOTE]

You've got a PM.

AllieS421 · July 2012

For what it is worth, I agree with PP and would say keep your vows between you and your FI. Both of my parents are remarried and though I love my step-parents, I would have felt a bit uncomfortable with my stepmom or stepdad vowing to be a new mother/father or a mother/father figure (and I was six when my mom remarried and 15 when my dad did). They are still just as much a mom/dad as my real mom/dad are, but I am glad that I was able to make that choice and not have it said for me before I felt that way.

Instead of doing a vow to your stepkids in front of an audience, maybe you could give the girls a necklace before the ceremony during a private moment with the just you and the girls? My stepmom did this for us and I still remember that special moment and looking back I really appreciate that she didn't put me on the spot. It would still be super special but wouldn't be as uncomfortable for the young girls.

artbyallie · July 2012

No right-thinking person is going to give you advice on how to do this. It is insulting to the bio-mom and it is inappropriate to include children in vows between two consenting adults. Children cannot consent to vows, especially marriage vows. Dress them up, take a million pictures with them, walk down the aisle with them, whatever you like. But they do not belong in your vows that make you husband and wife.

MairePoppy · July 2012

How does their mother feel about you vowing to be their mother?

L&J2012 · July 2012

A girl on my month board did a sand unity ceremony with her son involved. Maybe you could incorporate them that way, and give them the jewelry privately?

Gabrielle76 · July 2012

I agree that if you want to give them something special, do it privately. I don't know how old they are, but regardless it;s almost impossible for you to be sure how they're feeling. Do they think of you as 'just as much their mother'? Can you be sure? It's an emotional time for the kids (if they're old enough to get what's happening) and that should be respected.

Children don't have a lot of control over the situation, so it's cruel to put them in the vows as if they were adults able to agree.

kaos16 · July 2012

I agree that it would be difficult to suggest ways to include them, because it is inappropriate to include them in the vows and exchange of a symbol of those vows. You are not marrying the children, nor is your husband to be. . . . you are marrying each other as two consenting adults.

Ways to include your fiance's children in the celebration of your wedding might include:
        making them flowergirls or bridesmaids (depending on age)
        having them bring the gifts to the alter if it's a religious ceremony
        taking tons of pictures with them
        perhaps even a sand ceremony

As for jewelry, maybe give them a necklace earlier in the day to wear for the wedding or something, giving children rings in relation to making vows to them is creepy in my opinion (although I imagine you disagree with me)

ceceibson · July 2012

Our childen and grandchildren are escorting us to the altar. Our officiant will say "who gives this man and this woman to be married" and the children and grandchildren will say "we do", then sit down [excpet the 2 that are standing up for us].

I agree with what others have written regarinding the propriety of including children in the vows, etc. of the ceremony.

My FI's children are all adults and have a mother. She and I are very good friends but I would never presume to so much as suggest I am her children's mother. I'm not.

I am a widow and my children are still school-aged. FI will be their step-father but they aren't marrying him, I am.

Last night, I went to the wedding of 2 close friends. She is a single mother to 2 boys, never married the fathers. He had no children.

At the conclusion of the ceremony, the Priest invited the 2 boys up to the altar to stand with their mother and step-father and we all extended our hands for a family blessing. It was significant and beautiful and quite simple.

jljedel · July 2012

Maybe just make what you've written to read a loving and caring 'step-mother' to his children. It is your wedding and if your FI is fine with you making vows to his kids and they are too I see no problem with it. Personally I only find it right to have the chilren included in some special way, but as a family you need to figure out what that special way is. My fiance has a 17 year old son who he spoke to and asked how he felt before he proposed to me. I think my future stepson was just as excited, if not more, than we were. Because of that, we will also be finding a special way to include him in our ceremony, above and beyond the fact that he is his father's best man.

ChellaTims · July 2012

I have to agree with PP but I have a situation similar to yours but we're going about it completely different. I've had custody of my niece and nephew for the past 5 years and raised them previously for almost 2 years. To include them in the ceremony and have them in the exchanging of rings we're going to have both kids bring us our wedding bands; my nephew to the groom and my niece to me. We've also talked about doing the sand ceremony too. Family life is personal and they know if you're truly devoted to them or not without having to do something elaborate.

danimarie03 · January 2013

I think your intentions of including these two human beings in your vows is absolutely amazing. This is not just a bond you are forming with your husband, it is a bond you will be forming with them as well. They should not feel like they are secluded.

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