Second Weddings

Has anyone lost a parent?

First of all, I am very sorry that you have lost a parent.  My dad is ill and we're all bracing for his passing.  I'm scared.

I don't know if this type of info is going to help my personal sitation, but I'm really grasping for straws.

Do you think you were in the proper emotional state to truly enjoy your wedding (ours will be with no guests), and make happy memories associated with your wedding just 1-3 months after the passing happened?

[We could do this elopement trip in August but it requires that  things get booked right now, it's not a last minute type of destination.  I realize I'm trying to forecast the impossible.]

Re: Has anyone lost a parent?

  • I can't totally relate to what you're going through, but I will share my experiences and perhaps it will help.

    My father passed away when I was 9.  His passing was quick and unexpected.  I don't remember a whole lot from that time, but my mother said they had a hard time getting me to come in the house for a few weeks afterwards.  My first wedding was just my ex's parents and my mother in her living room so I didn't really feel his absence as much.  This time, I'm actually walking down an aisle so I have been feeling it more keenly.  I put a picture of me and him on my bouquet handle so he can be walking me in spirit while my boys do it in actuality.

    My mother passed away 11 years ago this November.  Her passing was 10 years in the making and was an end to suffering.  While I miss her terribly, it really was for the best because her quality of life was awful and she was hurting all the time.  I see all the posts about issues with mothers and wedding planning and bite my tongue, but really want to say that I'd rather be fighting with my mother over my wedding than not have her here at all.  We are putting a picture of her in a large frame in the first chair on the bride's side.  There are so many things I would love to share with her about the planning and my kids.  She loved the boys, but I was pregnant with my daughter when she passed so she never got to know her; she would have been so spoiled!

    I know memorials are a tad controversial at weddings because some people feel that it goes against the joy of the event, but I can't imagine not having my parents in some way present at mine.  I'm doing a small table with my favorite picture of the two of them in addition to what I already mentioned.  Will it make some people cry?  Maybe.  Will it make me cry, probably, but I'll be crying anyway because that's just how I am.

    If I were in your position, I would have the wedding regardless.  I know my mother and father wouldn't have wanted their passing to prevent my happiness.  Will you have moments of sadness?  Yes, but I know I would have them no matter how much time had passed.  It will be 30 years since my father passed and 11 for my mother and I still cry now and then when I think about them not being there, but I take comfort knowing that they would be happy for me and would want me to keep living my life.

    I think I mourn my father more than my mother because he was taken so suddenly while living life to the fullest, but she was taken long after her she had been able to really live life.  I'm not sure if that makes any sense.  I'm so sorry you have to face this, but there can be joy and peace in death.  I'm not saying not to mourn, but also try and focus on all the good memories and that he will no longer be suffering.

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  • Thank you for your insight.  I'm so sorry both your parents have passed. 
  • I am so sorry about your Dad's illness. I haven't lost a parent, so I can only relate what you are going through to when my brother passed of cancer, two years ago. It is hard to celebrate when that happiness is mixed with sorrow. When that has happened in my own life, I like to think what my loved one would have wanted. When I think of how they would want me to live, to smile again...it helps. My neice married this past December. My brother was her uncle and she had a candle lit for him and a rose. I had mixed emotions about it. A part of me made me wonder if it made it harder for his widow, who cried openly through the wedding, and for us. It was a very real reminder that he wasn't there...and never would be again at any of our celebrations. I like to think it did have a positive meaning for others. I think you need to do what feels right fir you. Everyone grieves differently. If you need to postpone the wedding because you aren't emotionally ready, I'm certain you guests will understand.
  • There aren't any more guests - it's just the two of us now. 

    I am concerned about the debilitating grief and pain that comes in the few months after it happens. 

    My father could wish us to move on all he wants (I think that's what he wants but we don't discuss this matter really), but the pain will actually trump his wishes.

  • Since it's just you two, why not wait and see how you feel? Different people grieve differently. For some, a wedding might be the perfect thing to help them feel closer to the one they've lost and find something happy to focus on as they work through their loss. For others, it could be an unwelcome distraction or source of fresh pain. It's hard to speculate now how you will feel then and there is no wrong way to feel. Hugs to you and your family.
  • "Since it's just you two, why not wait and see how you feel?"

    That is the plan at the moment.

    I think, maybe, perhaps, I'm scared if FI dies before I get to marry him and I'll never get to call him my husband because we waited.  Irrational fears.  I think all this stuff is just making some irrational fears in me.  I'm awfully ansty and distracted to sit and wait for the storm to pass.  But doing something quicker doesn't work at this time, so yes, we should wait until after the storm passes.

    I was thinking of getting some counseling.
  • Gina - as I read what you wrote, I was about to suggest you seek out some grief counseling.  Then I read that you are considering it.  Please do.  Particularly when you are thinking about losing other people, what you called irrational fears, I think that a frank opportunity to put your fears out there - look them in the eye and face them will help you to cope. 

    Everyone will die.  We will face many losses in our life.  Some will stun us, some will wound us, some will provide relief.  As the resilient souls that we are, none will destroy us, although we may think they will.  If your Dad is getting palliative or hospice, care, they have some wonderful people that help the loved ones prepare & cope.  Take advantage of them.  If he is still getting curative treatment, but you see that he is approaching death, and he has not been offered palliative care, ask about it.  It is NOT exclusive of treatment, it focuses on symptom management & goal delineation, in addition to the preparatory help I mentioned above.

    Finally, when a death is anticipated for a while, sometimes after it happens you feel really intense relief & release, and then guilt for feeling that way.  Please know that this is incredibly normal.  You may be ready to move forward in your life much quicker than you think you will. or than you think "appropriate" if that happens.  In those cases, much of the work of grieving gets done in advance, and you really may be ready to move ahead with your plans.  Therefore my advice is like the PP's wait & see.  When the weight of your Dad's suffering is relieved, you may be ready to share joy with the man who will be your husband.  And that will be ok.  ~Donna
  • He is done with curative care and not yet on palliative/hospic care.  He's in between.  I have two sisters who are nurses and live near him, so they are urging him to get palliative care, but I'm not sure why he hasn't done it yet. 

    I used to be the one that advised, "All relationships end - either by death or break up."  It's not working for me right not, so yeah, I should probably make a visit to a local counselor.  I am not sure how a palliatve care person can assist me 1500 miles away.
  • I am so sorry you have to go through this.  I have no words of wisdom, just my prayers for you and your family.  I'm glad you're going to look into grief counseling and I hope that you're able to get what you need from that.  I haven't lost a parent, but when my mom went through breast cancer 8 years ago, I had to face that possibility and even the possibility was almost more than I could handle.
  • I second (third?) the grief counseling.  Helped me tremendously.  My dad died in Oct 2009 (totally expected - lung CA but the timing was very strange).  H and I married the following July.  Betw Oct and July, I did hit some major depression, and I think the stress of it all exascerbated my AI issues, really bringing them out.  While planning the wedding, I was pretty "meh" about everything.  Luckily my best friend was excited enough for the two of us.  I didn't totally curl up in a depressive ball and die - I worked, went out, had fun here and there, but my grief seemed to come in waves.  That's when the grief counseling helped.  I went to a grief group and while most of the folks were seniors who lost a spouse, I still felt comforted and gained strength from them.  My mother was appalled that I went.  She said "why do you want to be reminded of not only your grief on a weekly basis, but the grief of others as well."  But I didn't see it that way.  In the old gentlemen, I saw my dad.  It was like "visiting" with my dad once a week.  One man had hands just like my dad's, another had the same balding pattern and strand of comb-over hair, another had a European accent, all were of the same age..........it was like the combination of these guys made up my father and it was a great comfort to me.

    Blessings to you Gina as you journey through this. 

    PS I also joined Cancer Care's online community.  It's run by social workers and I got good info from them (I was a member after dad's dx but before his death).
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_has-anyone-lost-a-parent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:2ac67cfa-52b5-4000-b454-ef50ecc91cb7Post:68772dd7-e075-4255-8585-4b6c4618fac6">Re: Has anyone lost a parent?</a>:
    [QUOTE]He is done with curative care and not yet on palliative/hospic care.  He's in between.  I have two sisters who are nurses and live near him, so they are urging him to get palliative care, but I'm not sure why he hasn't done it yet.  I used to be the one that advised, "All relationships end - either by death or break up."  It's not working for me right not, so yeah, I should probably make a visit to a local counselor.  I am not sure how a palliatve care person can assist me 1500 miles away.
    Posted by ginadog[/QUOTE]

    Didn't know you were so far away.  I am sure that adds to the difficulty.  A good palliative care SW could speak to you by phone.  But local therapists or grief groups would be appropriate.
  • Hi Gina,

    I haven't read all the responses, but I have lost both parents.  Dad died in 1989, and mom in 1998.  When I married in 2008, the thing I cried about was that my folks weren't there to see me marry--they would have loved my new DH. (And they didn't like my first husband, but put up with him because I loved him.)

    I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I heard a really good analogy on this today on NPR.  Have you every waterskiied?  You know when you're done for the day or for that run, how you stop?  You let go of the rope.  At some point it's going to be time for you to let go of the rope.  It's hard, and you might feel like you're sinking for a moment, but you know how to swim, and you have your safety vest on anyway (those are the people that love you!) and although it will never be the same,  you will move on.  Every time you think of your dad, that's how he's going to "come alive."   I know.  Every time I see a mockingbird (my mom loved them) I see my mom.  Everytime I see a canoe, I think of dad, who loved canoes.  You will find these things, too. 

    Only you can decide if you're ready 1 to 3 months afterwards, but you will know what's right for YOU. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited April 2012

    Yes, I lost my father within a few weeks of my July 3, wedding.  He passed away at home -- under hospice care -- on August 17 (after a fall on March 23 and a 4-month stay in sub-acute rehab/nursing facility), just 9 days before I flew with my son to take him 1,200+ miles away for the start of his freshman year of college.  Yeah, let's wrap our heads around all of that stress (good stress and bad stress).

    Was I in a proper state of mind to truly enjoy our wedding?  Absolutely.  I don't believe in making happy memories; my belief is that good memories are born of genuinely happy moments.  I was so joyful at my wedding, so happy to finally arrive at the end of that ridiculously long 18-month engagement and marry the man of my wet dreams, that I was about to burst!

    Neither H nor I had our fathers at the wedding although that was the original plan -- they were both too sick to travel.  We had them with us in our hearts.  There was so much love, happiness and joy that we did not experience sorrow or worry.

    I am so sorry you have to contend with so much grief.  ((((HUGS))))  It sucks.  It is the hand that's been dealt to you.  My experience is that grief comes in waves.  I have no idea when I will fully come to terms with my father's death.  I am in no rush.  He lived almost 90 years.  I had him for 50 years.  It will take more than a few months to get beyond it. And that's OK.

    ETA:  I found amazing support here on TK.  One SW pal in particular, whose identity shall remain anonymous (don't want to make her blush, but she knows who she is!), really helped me think critically and carefully about a lot of the medical issues.  I would not have made it through without her. *sigh*

  • Gina, you have my empathy as you work through this journey.  It's tough I know I lost my dad in  November 2001 he had lung CA that had mastistized to his liver.  My DH lost his dad due to complications of COPD in November 2010, just a little more than 5 months before our wedding.  

    My FIL wanted the wedding to go forward and not be delayed due to his passing, he stated that it had been too long already, and that we needed  to concentrate on getting married and our happy, healthy relationship. 

    Those sad memories did not lessen our joy on the day of our wedding we were so happy to finally be Mr. & Mrs. and to celebrate with those who could be there - it was wonderful.  We had shed tears during the planning process and we had each other for support. 

    We also placed family photographs on a fire place mantel so that our dads could "be there". 


  • If I was in your situation, I would wait.  My dad died when I was 17 and it took me a long time not to tear up watching other bride's dads walk them down the aisle.  Your wedding should be a happy time and not overshadowed by a loss so close to you.  Best wishes.
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