this is the code for the render ad
Pre-wedding Parties

My side not invited to RD...really?

So my in-laws have been great with helping us with our wedding, even though his mother has needed the final say in everything but my gown. Now they are planning the RD and last night as the subject came up she said that it would only be for my fiance's groomsmen and her OOT friends and family, that my side (not even my BMs) were invited. I think my bloodpressure went THROUGH THE ROOF. I called my dad and he told me not to worry; he will help me do something for the ENTIRE bridal party. My fiance agreed with me because he's mad too; he and I along with our bridal party and my family will have a separate function elsewhere after the rehearsal).

So has any one else encountered this? Am I crazy or is she? I have never heard of such a thing, however through this whole process etiquette has been out the window. She does what she wants and gets what she wants no matter who is offended or how rude it is.

She is causing so much tension between Fi and I; we have been fighting a lot lately and every single fight has been over something she has done/said. And the worst part is that he agrees with me on all of it, and yet we still somehow wind up in these huge fights.

Re: My side not invited to RD...really?

  • edited January 2012
    You need to have your FI explain to her that everyone who is involved in the rehearsal has to be invited to the RD along with the SOs. If she can't agree to that then you need to say thanks, but no thanks and host your own dinner. Perhaps your dad would be willing to help you out since he mentioned planning something for the entire BP. I don't like the idea of having the RD your FMIL wants and then hosting something else for the BP. It still feels to me like both sides are picking and choosing. If she wants to do something else for her OOT family that is one thing, but she is being really unreasonable and extremely rude to cut out your BMs. 

    You also need to start talking to your FI and not fighting with him. His mother sounds like a difficult person, but please don't let her get in between your relationship. You're both on the same side, so try to laugh about the stupid things she does/says. Wedding planning can be very stressful on everyone. 
    image
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • edited January 2012
    Sometimes the rehearsal dinner is called the 'groom's dinner.' I wonder if your FMIL is confused by that term and has misunderstood the purpose of the dinner. She might think the party is supposed to be in honor of the groom, with his friends and a groom's cake, a sort of toned down bp.

    Your Fi should let his mother know that the dinner is in honor of the wedding party. Everyone who participates in the rehearsal, along with their significant others and immediate family must be invited. Anyone after that is invited at the host's discretion. If she doens't agree with those guidelines, you should turn down her offer of hosting the dinner. If your father is willing to step up, that's great. Otherwise, you should host and pay for the dinner to make sure it is done correctly.

    Good luck.
                       
  • Has your FMIL lost her mind?  Please please have your FI talk to her asap about her behavior.

    Please have FI read this:
    http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/rehearsal-dinner/qa/who-should-be-invited-towedding-rehearsal-dinner.aspx

    Also, are the FIL's paying for the majority of the wedding or are you and your parents?  If it's you and your parents, she needs to back off....and now!  However, if they are paying they do have a big say-so in this, but the line must be drawn somewhere....and now!  If FI doesn't put his foot down, she will always treat both of you like this; if/when babies are born and how to raise them, holidays, buying a house, family reunions, birthdays, etc. 

    There is absolutey no need to have another party elsewhere, even though it was very very kind of your father to offer that.  FI needs to stand up to her and talk to her immediately about her behavior, like this weekend and needs to do it alone, without you there.  While she may be paying for the RD, she is out of her mind and wayyyyy past the point of being rude, if she doesn't invite the entire WP as that is the entire purpose of having a rehearsal dinner.

    Either she backs off and allows YOUR guests to come as well or you politely decline her party and let your parents host, even though they shouldn't have to be doing this in the 1st place. 

    I really hope this works out for you!  Your FI really needs to have a talk with her now.  I cannot stress this enough, for both of your sakes.

     

  • KatieK501KatieK501 member
    100 Comments
    edited January 2012
    I agree with everything the previous posters have said; having your fiance (or both of you) politely tell her that the rehearsal dinner must include the whole wedding party and your immediate family too.

    But just so you don't feel alone, my fiance and I had dinner last night with his parents at the restaurant they are thinking of using for the rehearsal dinner.  His mom got to talking about ALL the people she wants to invite (which luckily includes everyone in the wedding), but it also includes all of their family who will be in from out of town already.  Not sure if it includes my out of town family that will be in though.  I really wanted a small, relaxed, casual dinner, but it's looking like it could possibly end up being more formal that the wedding.
  • No, no, you see... she knows best and has "done this a few times" (her daughter had ZERO say over her own wedding from the BM dresses to the flowers to the menu and they fought terribly over everything- so I knew what was ahead for me when we got engaged). She has booked a place that is too small for everyone she wants there and so my side cannot go... She is having about 70 people. I think the only option is to have something separate because you cannot tell this woman anything.

    I'm OK with the way it is turning out because quite frankly, I don't want to deal with her and I wanted it to be just the BP and immediate family any way. In the end I think it's the perfect situation; the BP, and my family without the monster-in-law.
  • Which party is your fiancé attending?
    image
  • She's having 70 people and can't invite your immediate family and bms? That's incredibly rude. You'll have a better time without her.

                       
  • Don't play along with her games and host your own dinner for your side. That will just makes this situation worse. Your FMIL sounds like a monster, crazy lady right now and maybe a little bit cheap too? It's coming across a cheap to me? Get your FI to talk to her because this is his family. HE needs to get her to either invite the WHOLE bridal party, or HE needs to turn down her offer for a strange-one sided rehersal dinner. Why not turn down her offer and throw your own RD? It sounds like your dad will cover at least part of the cost.
    September 2012 Siggy Challenge: Wedding Preview!
    imageWedding Countdown Ticker

    122image 110image 12image
  • 70 people??? What the heck? That's not a rehersal dinner, that's a reception!
    September 2012 Siggy Challenge: Wedding Preview!
    imageWedding Countdown Ticker

    122image 110image 12image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_side-not-invited-rdreally?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:53430159-167b-4e63-8266-6ad4f567b662Post:06e42def-228c-4548-abc2-f942f3cf4645">Re: My side not invited to RD...really?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Don't play along with her games and host your own dinner for your side. That will just makes this situation worse. Your FMIL sounds like a monster, crazy lady right now and maybe a little bit cheap too? It's coming across a cheap to me? Get your FI to talk to her because this is his family. HE needs to get her to either invite the WHOLE bridal party, or HE needs to turn down her offer for a strange-one sided rehersal dinner. Why not turn down her offer and throw your own RD? It sounds like your dad will cover at least part of the cost.
    Posted by smartlypretty[/QUOTE]






    THIS. He needs to tell his mother that he is declining the event and letting the wedding party know that the true RD will be the event where those needing to be included are. That he will NOT be attending the event she thinks she is throwing however she can certainly come to the hosted event that includes all appropriate members.
  • Well... he didn't even get to that issue; simply told her she was rude to me about something else. She hung up on him and isn't speaking to him. Definitely going to drop it because there are bigger issues and I'll be happier at a separate party.
  • Wait, but then you at FI will be at separate dinner parties? Won't that be weird?
    September 2012 Siggy Challenge: Wedding Preview!
    imageWedding Countdown Ticker

    122image 110image 12image
  • Nope, he will be with me and our bridal party and my family... We won't be going to her dinner.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_side-not-invited-rdreally?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:53430159-167b-4e63-8266-6ad4f567b662Post:8a9fdef4-ec23-40bc-9182-a3513a2974d0">Re: My side not invited to RD...really?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Nope, he will be with me and our bridal party and my family... We won't be going to her dinner.
    Posted by kimberlyb122[/QUOTE]



    So essentially, you two will be together at the RD and whatever FMIL is doing will be without the two of you?


    Sounds like a plan but if I were your FI, I'd try a one on one face to face with his mom regarding her ridiculousness. If that doesn't work, I'd see if he can enlist the help of his family trying to help FMIL back onto her rocker - 'cause she's clearly off it.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_side-not-invited-rdreally?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:53430159-167b-4e63-8266-6ad4f567b662Post:8a9fdef4-ec23-40bc-9182-a3513a2974d0">Re: My side not invited to RD...really?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Nope, he will be with me and our bridal party and my family... We won't be going to her dinner.
    Posted by kimberlyb122[/QUOTE]



    Okay, he needs to sit down with his mother and sort this out. How could she possibly host a dinner the night before the wedding without either the bride or groom? It would be ludicrous!
    September 2012 Siggy Challenge: Wedding Preview!
    imageWedding Countdown Ticker

    122image 110image 12image
  • It's uncanny how much of a similar situation we have but my hands are tied. I'm glad you have a plan to separate yourself. Good for you because it's all you can do with someone like that. I wish you lots and lots of luck!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards