I know I know but.....

swtasa · January 2010

I know everyone says to wait until about 10 months before the wedding BUT

First I should say my MOH and 1 BM are already default, those would be my sisters, this has been discussed since the age of 9 when we were old enough to imagine marrying our princes.

However I have 2 ladies I plan on being BMs, they've both been friends for years and I was a BM in both of their weddings. They've taken the reigns in helping already(my wedding is back home in Cleveland while I live 3 hours from there now) as soon as they got news that my mom knew they called her and all started talking about how excited they are to help.

I guess it's ASSUMED they will be anyway, but since my mom started talking colors and dresses with them already should I just ask anyway?

I can't imagine 2 7 year friendships and where we've been through this wedding thing twice already are gonna change all that much, especially since I've seen how both are as BMs.

pooh8402 · January 2010

personally, I think it's fine. but I asked all my BMs the day I told them I was engaged, and that was 2 years before our wedding.

besides, most ladies on this board want to kick their BMs out for not helping enough. it looks like you don't have this problem, at least not yet.

emilyinchile · January 2010

There's no law saying you can't. Just that if there is ANY possibility of friendships changing or if you're going to use the fact that they're "official BMs" as a reason to start talking about/doing things for the wedding 24/7, it's a bad idea.

For your average sane person with long-term friendships, I don't think it makes a huge difference if you ask farther ahead. But we'd best not see you back here in a year asking how to kick one out

Also, I'm hoping that "seeing how both are as BMs" means seeing that they get the dress, show up and keep being your normal friends...not seeing them run errands.

laurenclaire1386 · January 2010

I asked my BMs earlier than most suggest, but I was also very sure of my decision and don't expect any of them to do anything but show up looking decent. As long as you don't have crazy expectations of what a BM should be and you're sure your relationship with these girls won't change, (or if it does change, you don't freak out over the change) you'll be fine.

kmm2150 · January 2010

All my bms were people I'd been friends with for 8+ years; my MOH had been my predetermined MOH for 20+ years; so asking was not a big deal and they kinda knew they'd be asked/I knew that 6 months later I wouldn't be regretting it - when you're asking people like that, that you've known and been close to consistently for a long time, and that they'd pretty much have to sleep with the groom to screw it up, I don't think it matters when you ask. I was engaged less than a year though, so it was a hurry-up thing for me, I suppose!

laurening · January 2010

It sounds like you may have asked them to be BM no matter what. I agree with Emilyinchile to not think about it in terms of how much they are willing to help. Because as excited as they are now to do stuff, they may not be so in a year (rightfully so, it's not their wedding). That's the kind of thinking that can lead to being annoyed with them and wanting to kick them out of the wedding- (i.e., they were such helpful BMs a year ago and now they suck because they don't want to run errands for me).

Bottom line - Sure, you can ask whenever, but you're stuck with them and you lose any right to complain about them a year from now.

swtasa · January 2010

lol no, I was more talking 'emotional support' how they are. I.E. able to deal with a girl freaking out because the altered the dress too small (happened to friend) or "god my mother is driving me crazy"

I don't expect anyone but my mom to help us with the planning and stuff(But I'm getting way more then that but still)

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

Your friendships may be set in stone, but are your wedding plans? We had to drastically scale down our wedding from 150 guests to 40, and frankly, I feel a little silly about having 11 of those people up front with us. Had we known from the beginning that we were going to do something very small, I probably would have only asked my sisters. Just something to keep in mind.

MyNameIsNot · January 2010

I asked early. I'd been friends with them for years, and didn't have any drama.

But what I did have was a bunch of "weddinged-out" friends. When I first asked, they were all super happy and excited. But then 9 months passed before we needed to start looking for BM dresses. By then, they were all kind of over it. Of course, they all got their dresses without issue, but if I could go back and do it over again, I would have waited. It would have been fun to do their dresses while they were all really excited.

Another issue that people run into: once you've set your WP, adding someone else feels like an after thought. You can't predict whether another friend will end up being really close by the time of the wedding.

stahlop · January 2010

I asked my BM's right after I got engaged, but that was only 9 months before the wedding. Yes, they got a little wedding'd out, so I stopped talking about it. They were there when I needed them, on my wedding day.

bablingbrooke · January 2010

The reason that I personally recommend waiting less than a year is that in doing so you avoid 1) wedding-ing out your friends, 2) your expectations stay relatively realistic since even the best and most enthusiastic friends won't stay excited much longer, and 3) you've more or less set up your wedding plans and are less likely to make any dramatic revisions.

Two of my friends knew they'd be BMs, they even asked if they were BMs, and I still waited until we had the venue and date set. It's hard to commit to something when you don't know where or when it is!

99% of brides can ask early and have no problems. You just have everything to gain and nothing to lose by waiting. Since you have over a year to go, I'd wait until the spring. They can wait, you can wait, and you'll probably be glad you did.

I know I know but.....

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