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FMIL trying to give us FSFIL's china

Mark&StephMark&Steph
10 Comments
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My FI and I are in a sticky predicament about china and I'm hoping some of you ladies can offer advice. Here's the deal:

My FMIL has 2 sets of china, one from her first marriage (to my FFIL) and one from her current husband's first marriage (he was widowed). She uses her first-marriage set and they don't really use my future step-father-in-law's set. So she offered to give it to us so that we don't have to buy/register for china.

Problem is: she really put me on the spot the other day, by handing me a soup bowl from the set, and eagerly awaiting my response. It was pretty, but nothing at all like what I would pick out. I played it off by saying that my FI and I would need to talk about what all we want to register for.

From a practical sense and from the perspective of pleasing my FMIL, I feel like we should graciously accept. We'll probably only use it once a year, but everytime we use it, I will hate it.

From a personal stance, I feel like we should get to pick out our own stuff as part of beginning our marriage, and so that we have something that we're truly happy with.

Should I accept her gift? Or how can I graciously turn her down and/or make it clear that we will still register for something of our choosing?
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Re: FMIL trying to give us FSFIL's china

  • laurenclaire1386laurenclaire1386
    5000 Comments
    Why can't you take her set, then also register for a set of your own? You break out the family set when she's over, and then use what you've picked out the rest of the year. Do you think she woud be offended by you taking her up on the gift, but then still registering for china?
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  • LoopysevenLoopyseven member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    If you really don't want it I would decline.  Just tell her that while you appreciate her generous offer,  you have your heart set on picking out a pattern with your FI that you both absolutely love to use regularly through your lives together.
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  • NOLAbridealmostNOLAbridealmost member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    I would tell her nicely that you think it's beautiful and you appreciate the offer, but that you had already picked out a china pattern that you love and were hoping to register for.  I agree that you should love your china.  

    You could even say you were hoping to register for something simple/classic/rustic (insert proper adjective her) enough that it might coordinate with your mom's china if she has a set you think you might inherit.

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  • ElisabethJoanneElisabethJoanne member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    When I was 4, I had a precocious friend who liked to say, "Hate is a very strong word," especially, I might add, for an inanimate object you only have to look at 1x/year. But I move so often, I can understand not wanting to have breakable things around that don't match my taste. And if you accept it, you have to keep it and use it for your FMIL's visits. (IMO)

    OTOH, I know families that would be offended if a young couple registered for china. There's always a spare heirloom set or 2 for new couples. It's just plates. Family is more important than personal taste.

    To me it matters whether you plan to register for different china. If you don't, then I'd just say, "Thank you very much, but we don't think that will fit in to our busy lifestyles and cramped apartment." If you do, you can say, "It's lovely. But I'm sure FSFIL wants to hold onto it for a bit longer" or "You should save this for a bride in first-wife's family."
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    First, I would let your FI handle this...it is his mother not yours.  Second, you are well within your rights to graciously decline her offer.  I am sure if you let her know that you appreciate her kindness but that you and your FI would rather pick out your own china pattern together I am sure she will be understanding.

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  • Mark&StephMark&Steph
    10 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-trying-give-fsfils-china?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:754fa68d-7e29-4370-9e90-9618d96196a9Post:6ecbace0-3bef-4471-906c-b9e32c85e55a">Re: FMIL trying to give us FSFIL's china</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think it's FMIL's place to be giving this china away in the first place.
    Posted by dumdumfroggie[/QUOTE]
    This was my initial thought too. Thank you all for the recommendations. I will let FI handle it (I don't think he cares one way or the other about china), and let him thank his mother for the offer but that we will still be registering for our own set. If she would still like to gift it to us, that is up to her. Thanks again!
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  • rebarobert2012rebarobert2012
    500 Comments
    If you know you won't use it, I would graciously decline.  However, if you can bear to use it when she is over, I would accept it and just use it then.  You could then still register for your own china.
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  • dumdumfroggiedumdumfroggie
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    I don't think it's FMIL's place to be giving this china away in the first place.  It's not hers.  But, I would have your FI tell his mom that you really appreciate the gesture, but you're excited to pick something out together.
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    I'd have FI graciously decline.  My grandmother gave us one of her sets of china (she received two at her wedding) - thankfully I like it.  Kitchen/dining storage space is such a premium for us (and frankly I feel like our kitchen's pretty large - can't seem to get enough space....) if I didn't like it there's no way I'd be willing to sacrifice several cabinets to hold it, only to pull it out once a year. 

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  • CiardasullyCiardasully member
    100 Comments First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-trying-give-fsfils-china?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:754fa68d-7e29-4370-9e90-9618d96196a9Post:40afbd40-ea7c-482a-b88a-3690a2abb52a">Re: FMIL trying to give us FSFIL's china</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'd have FI graciously decline.  My grandmother gave us one of her sets of china (she received two at her wedding) - thankfully I like it.  Kitchen/dining storage space is such a premium for us (and frankly I feel like our kitchen's pretty large - can't seem to get enough space....) if I didn't like it there's no way I'd be willing to sacrifice several cabinets to hold it, only to pull it out once a year. 
    Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

    I inherited my grandmother's china when she passed. I am a sentimental person and I do like it. I am glad to have it but will registering for my own with my FI.  One thing though, we got our grandmother's china.  This China is her FI Stepfather's that he picked out with his deceased wife.  Granted it's family but a little different.  I do think we are both lucky to have stuff that belonged to our grandmother's.

    Just another thought.  Maybe FMIL means well.  Thinking maybe if she gives it to them, they won't register for China and that maybe they will receive other things they need?  Just a thought.
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