BM Situation

DanielleD7782 · February 2010

So I posted on here about 3 weeks ago that my BM dropping out for financial reasons...I offered to pay, she declined and said she just can't do it. She told me she had cut off her gym membership and any "extras". I told her that I was leaving the door open for her if she wanted to rejoin. (I haven't picked out BM dresses yet and decided to not go the replacement route)

I just found out that she got a promotion at her job (she was a contractor for this company). My FI works at the same place in a different dept. He saw her in the gym that you have to pay $15/month to join! I have tried to call her last week and she still hasn't returned the call. This is a girl I have been friends with for about 4 years and talk to on the phone almost daily. Ever since she emailed me about dropping out of the wedding she has been totally MIA.

How should I handle this? I'm not totally worked up by any means...I just don't understand it.

sucrets4 · February 2010

She's just not that into you.

luckyme502 · February 2010

I totally thought this was going to be about poop!

laurenclaire1386 · February 2010

Well, you don't really know the ins and outs of everyone's financial situation, though it does appear that she lied about the reason she didn't want to be in the wedding. I'd just leave her alone. If you've initiated contact and she hasn't responded, I'd leave it at that. There's really not anything to handle, IMO. And I don't think calling her out on something that looks like a lie would get you anywhere good or be productive in any way. Maybe just ask her if there's something going on that you don't know about? Talk to her about her, not her in regards to your wedding.

Nebb · February 2010

You have no way of knowing her financial situation regardless of who works with who and whether she is going to the gym or not. This really isnt your business. Let it go.

AmoroAgain · February 2010

hahaha... Sucrets.

Though, I have to say, it sounds like there is a different issue here. Either she doesn't want to cause trouble for you by talking about it, or there's something else at play. Try calling her, and if she doesn't answer, leaving a message completely non-wedding related. Congratulate her on her promotion, tell her you've missed her, and then hang up.

If she keeps avoiding you, then I would just call it gone. Weird though.

betrothed123 · February 2010

Maybe financing wasn't really the reason she dropped out.

Leave her alone. You left the door open, if she wants to she'll walk through it. If you keep trying to push her she's going to slam that door in your face.

deepcovejackie · February 2010

She's broken up with you. Let it go...

pinkpinot · February 2010

I really don't get the problem, you asked her and she declined. Leave it alone and ask people to be in your wedding party who WANT to be there for you.

DanielleD7782 · February 2010

I get what you all are saying, but how do you go from talking to someone everyday and then just sending and email dropping out and then not talking? Maybe I am just a little more courteous to people's feelings.

I would have been excited about her job too.

Stackeye210 · February 2010

I don't think her having a gym membership for $15 a month has anything to do with declining being in your wedding. Not to mention the $15 is probably taken right out of her check and she doesn't even notice it.

I would start by calling her to make sure she is ok. I'd drop wedding talk and BM talk all together.

DanielleD7782 · February 2010

I know the $15 gym membership isnt' that much...but dont' tell someone that you cut out the gym membership when you clearly didn't. I just don't like to be lied to.

Stackeye210 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:646910e0-a445-4e26-be37-4d73e3faac34Post:27b6aafe-45db-4149-8baa-a725615e036e">Re: BM Situation</a>:
[QUOTE]I know the $15 gym membership isnt' that much...but dont' tell someone that you cut out the gym membership when you clearly didn't. I just don't like to be lied to.
Posted by DanielleD7782[/QUOTE]

Sometimes when you cancel a service it stays active for the next 30 days or so if you've already paid. She may not have lied to you at all.

Night_Sprite · February 2010

Are you a bridezilla? Maybe she's scared of getting fire breathed on her.

mwhitson14 · February 2010

I'm locked into a year contract with my gym, and it's $10 a month. Getting out of that contract means paying the rest of my contract up front, so it's just easier to let it get automatically deducted than try to come up with the wedding (and I do work out, so anyway).

She's obviously not that interested in being in the wedding, maybe she had a bad experience as a BM, who knows.

Also, on the not talking front, my BM has kinda been that way lately, and I've just let it go. And it's funny, now that I'm not harassing her to talk to me (not that you are!) she actually makes more of an effort to communicate with me.

danieliza1127 · February 2010

It sounds to me like the real issue is your friendship, not your wedding. Forget your wedding. You asked her, she dropped out, it's done. Focus on the friendship. Contact her and congratulate her on the promotion, ask if you can get together, try to rekindle the friendship. If she doesn't seem willing, maybe she's just not that into you anymore. It does happen. Maybe you can ask her if everything is okay, if there's anything you've done to upset her, or just say that you've noticed that you don't talk as much anymore and you miss her. If her friendship is important to you, do that, but don't make it about your wedding or her being a BM.

deepcovejackie · February 2010

The reason is irrelevant. What's clear is that she doesn't want to be in your wedding party. If she lied to spare your feelings, that's what she did. Find out if everything is ok otherwise. If it is, then move on and have a lovely wedding. Invite her as a guest.

Nebb · February 2010

Maybe shes under contract and cant? Maybe her health and fitness is more important to her than being a bridesmaid? Maybe its not. your. business.

Get over it. She doesnt owe you anything. Shes a grown woman and can do whatever she wants. It sucks she dropped out, but you cant sit and nit pick over everything she chooses to do after the fact.

kikibaby · February 2010

I understand that would be hurtful, but she's clearly making a statement about not wanting to be in the wedding. I would talk to her about it. It could be as simple as she was nervous about getting dressed up and being in front of a crowd, or it could be that she's upset about something.

You'll never know unless you ask.

sucrets4 · February 2010

(dani - ygpm)

angie74 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:646910e0-a445-4e26-be37-4d73e3faac34Post:d7f79be3-ccc7-49a4-b2af-a2b27b27586b">Re: BM Situation</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds to me like the real issue is your friendship, not your wedding. Forget your wedding. You asked her, she dropped out, it's done. Focus on the friendship. Contact her and congratulate her on the promotion, ask if you can get together, try to rekindle the friendship. If she doesn't seem willing, maybe she's just not that into you anymore. It does happen. Maybe you can ask her if everything is okay, if there's anything you've done to upset her, or just say that you've noticed that you don't talk as much anymore and you miss her. If her friendship is important to you, do that, but don't make it about your wedding or her being a BM.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>agreed. she clearly does't want to be in the wedding... just make sure that you're still friends. if not, move on. she's just not that into you.

</div>

CTGirl30 · February 2010

She's made it clear she's not interested in being in the wedding. PPs have offered various explanations on the gym thing - she may not have lied to you, so don't assume the worst abotu someone you've been good friends with for years, you know?

She may not have returned your most recent call b/c she just got a promotion - she might be super busy right now adjusting to a job with different / increased responsibilities. If she's got financial worries + a new job, her plate is probably full.

Just leave it as it lies - when she comes around, she'll probably return you call. If she doesn't....let her be. I have had friends go through phases where they were just totally overwhelmed and sort of dropped out of contact for 2 months or so. They called when they got back on their feet and were ready.

Going fwd, don't bring up the BM thing anymore - she's given her answer. I'd discuss frienship stuff mainly for now and let the wedding stuff be something you discuss with your FI / family / other friends who ask.

kd.joseph · February 2010

I had a girlfriend that I talked to 3 times a day, and we hung out a few times a week for 3 years.Then "poof" nothing, no calls, no nothing. Then out of nowhere she pulls in my driveway after a year. We talked for a week, and emailed. Then nothing. Very,Very strange.
I'm still best friends with her niece (how I met her), and she said she doesn't even talk to her, she's just kinda weird that way.
I wouldn't push it, personally after I've tried to put myself out there and she doesn't respond, I'm done. I feel like I'm dating again.
I'm sure she has her reasons for doing what she did,and you can't force the issue. Just move on, maybe one day she'll pull in your driveway and tell you everything.

DanielleD7782 · February 2010

I am giving space and not bringing wedding stuff up to her...obviously bc she hasn't answered her phone when I called. We did talk after she dropped out and it wasn't about wedding stuff...no I am not bridezilla...I just feel like we are all old enough to be straight up and tell the truth to someone. The gym thing is really what still gets me. She went to a megagym by her house before. She quit that one. Now she got the full time job and signed up for the gym at work. Nebb- maybe you are right that her physical appearance is much more important than being in my wedding. That hurts, but I will deal with it.
To me its just the principle of lying about it. I know these kind of posts get everyone worked up bc they think that its the person posting being a crazy bride. I'm actually really laid back about the whole bridesmaid thing and haven't even talked about it much unless she asked.
I'm going to send her an email and congratulate her on the job...maybe she feels uncomfortable talking to me since she got it...who knows?

wadingmoose · February 2010

1. $15/month is insanely cheap for a gym membership. I'm jealous.
2. Most have a 30 day cancellation clause. She's likely still in the period she paid for.
3. If she was a contractor and now has an employee position, she'll find her paycheque has decreased considerably, promotion or not.

DanielleD7782 · February 2010

The job she got is a promotion from her contractor position. She was doing like data entry just to get her foot in the door.

wadingmoose · February 2010

Maybe something else in her life has changed. Maybe she's decided that she needs to prioritize retirement savings, maybe she's saving for a house, maybe she has a vacation planned and needs money for that.

Maybe she just doesn't like you.

You can analyze it all day long, but it isn't going to go anywhere. Is it worth ending the friendship over? That's up to you. But if you keep doing this and listening to what everyone tells you about her, then the friendship will end. However, since she's MIA as a friend, it probably already has.

What, exactly, would you like us to do or say?

amandajean36 · February 2010

if she hasn't told you she got a promotion, i wouldn't bring it up. if you only know about it because your fiance works there - that just seems weird to bring up, IMO.

"hi! (i know there is tension because you said you couldn't afford to be in my wedding, but...) congrats on your promotion (that i found out about from someone else, not because you told me)"

that doesn't seem like a good idea to me. at all.

i think its ok to try to contact her on something not wedding related, but i wouldn't contact her regarding her job. just ask her if she wanst to go shopping, or get coffee, or grab drinks after work - or whatever is normal, social communication in your circle of friends.

Edit: also - why are you so hung up on the gym thing? did she tell you she was cancelling her gym when she was working out at the mega-gym? because mega-gyms are usually mega-expensive, and she probably wasn't lying to you.

also, if i got a job and i could work out there for $15/month, i'd JUMP on that. it is insanely cheap.

DanielleD7782 · February 2010

I totally agree with $15 being really cheap! But she specifically told me that her parents were riding her a$$ about money and she cancelled her gym membership and cut out all extra things like going out, blah blah blah. She was month to month on her megagym membership so was able to get out of it.

I have heard from a few other people about her job. She used to work at my company & contacted her old boss here to tell him about her great new job. He is actually the one that came to me and told me that my friend emailed him and was raving about her new job.

I guess this whole thing comes down to is that girls are shady!!!

KentuckyKate · February 2010

1. I personally hate being a BM, even for close friends. But I smile and do it and throw showers and the whole 9. Maybe she just doesn't like being a BM.

2. ITA with PPs saying you really don't know what people's financial situation really is. For example, my brother makes almost $70K/year, and here in KY that is a great living for a 28 year old. But privately, he is also paying off a $50K debt from when he was living abroad with a gambling addiction.
Example 2: I assumed a friend of mine didn't make much money at all, and I based that off the size of his house and the engagement ring he bought his wife. Then I did a refinance for him, and was shocked to see how much money he made. Probably more than any of our friends. So you just never know.

amandajean36 · February 2010

i still wouldn't mention the promotion unless she tells you about it. especially since you both know there is an awkward money issue/excuse floating out there regarding her dropping out of your wedding.

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