What to do?

MrsSmith2Be02 · August 2012

So back to this bar nonsense. FI is pissed because I told him the budget doesn't allow for the $2000 for the hosted bar. He said if there is no bar, he doesn't want to have a wedding at all. SCREECH! Hold up.....80 days out really?

So Yea, I went OFF....clean off! Because my mom and I are footing the entire bill within a budgeted amount. We're not having a rehearsal dinner because I said I wasn't paying for one more thing. His mom had said she was going to do it and then backed out, so I'm going to take my girls to dinner, give them their gifts and be done with it.

I think if he's so strong about it, then he needs to pay for it. But I'm not about to strain myself and my pockets when we have 2 kids under 5, afterschool fees, daycare, and everything else. My mom told me the amount she was contributing and everything else is on me. FI has always felt it was stupid to have a wedding if you have to "penny pinch" but I think its stupid for someone who isn't contributing to have an opinion.

What do I do?

yogiebhill · August 2012

Hugs girl. Listen, alcohol will KILL a budget. Let him pay for it.

TL25 · August 2012

Oh no he must've bumped his head. Why would he want you to spend $2000 on a days worth of liquor? I would remain adamant about this one. If he really wants it that bad he can pay for it. I don't mean to pry, but why isn't he contributing? (You don't have to answer if I'm being tooo nosey)

nursing2u · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_what-to-do-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:747f2cf4-77e1-4f55-8aaa-9a1856c736ecPost:306027be-8f6f-49b9-b9b3-0c55fcaa45c7">Re: What to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh no he must've bumped his head. Why would he want you to spend $2000 on a days worth of liquor? I would remain adamant about this one. <strong>If he really wants it that bad he can pay for it. I don't mean to pry, but why isn't he contributing? (You don't have to answer if I'm being tooo nosey)
</strong>Posted by TL25[/QUOTE]

I was about to say the exact same thing... If he feels that alcohol is as important as THE WEDDING, then yes..he needs to pull the wallet out. I don't understand why that is sooo important..

msbdumas · August 2012

Why cant he or his family pay for it ? Like other pp said..I wouldnt break the bank no more than I already have. Can you maybe just do a signature drink, beer and wine and have him pay ? Or does it have to be the 2k bar quoted ?

ladycane015 · August 2012

I think that a wedding is about you two & not about a bar. Although guests do like to have the option to drink I think it's a bit much to completly NOT have a wedding because you cannot have a bar. If he feels so strongly about it I do feel he should pay for it or get over it. I don't think you should go into debt over a wedding but I think you can have a nice wedding on a budget and if that budget does not include a $2000 hosted bar then so be it.

MrsSmith2Be02 · August 2012

I knew I wasn't crazy. The bar is still going to be there, just a cash bar option.

@TL25 - No you're not prying

FI isn't contributing because he feels that only people who are "balling" have weddings. That's just his ignorance because he had never been to one before his brother got married and his wedding was lavish (so I hear) because he had recently gotten inheritance money from his aunt and uncle when they passed.....like a lot of money left to him. He was able to have a wedding that was probably $50K and still purchase a condo and do some other stuff. (His brother and sister are from his dad's first marriage). So since FI didn't want one, he says he doesn't make enough to pay for a wedding. His friend is getting married 2 weeks after us and his parents have spent $60K on his wedding (which he is already married and was really a coincidence that his "wedding" is 2 weeks after us but I digress on that)....which has of course created havoc in our house because FI is like we're penny pinching. I personally think 60K is a bit crazy, but he is Nigerian and that's normal and easy to do when you have 400+ folks! For me, I'm an only child, so my mom was adamant about me not just going to the court house and I had never dreamed of such a thing. My father passed last september and he had stated to me that I would have a wedding just like my parents did and so because I knew that was what he wanted, I am all systems go. FI is very bull headed. He does what he wants when he wants and if he doesnt want to go / do something he just wont. Because of that, he has had very minimal input as well.

MrsSmith2Be02 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_what-to-do-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:747f2cf4-77e1-4f55-8aaa-9a1856c736ecPost:d562d865-4b83-4319-a19a-a83ceaf58386">Re: What to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that a wedding is about you two & not about a bar. Although guests do like to have the option to drink I think it's a bit much to completly NOT have a wedding because you cannot have a bar.<strong> If he feels so strongly about it I do feel he should pay for it or get over it.</strong> I don't think you should go into debt over a wedding but I think you can have a nice wedding on a budget and if that budget does not include a $2000 hosted bar then so be it.
Posted by ladycane015[/QUOTE]

My thoughts exactly! He told me since there can't be a hosted bar, then don't invite any of his friends / family because he doesn't want them to have to pay for their drinks. He's certified crazy.

shano06 · August 2012

Tell FI there have been plenty of GORGEOUS weddings done on a budget. I'm sure everybody that gets married isn't rich. Is he adamant about a bar period or open bar.?? Because if you are opting for a cash bar instead of open, that should be a nice compromise right.?? Tell him to pay for it or have a seat. Stop comparing you guy's wedding to other people's. The bar doesn't make the wedding. I'm sure nobody will mind having to pay for their drinks. Have you looked into putting up a tab, and then when it runs out, transition into a cash bar.??

rowenac82 · August 2012

He definitely should pay for that..end of story. Could you bring in your own alcohol to the venue? I guess maybe not or this won't be an issue. Cause I was thinking if he buys a bottle every paycheck he will have his liquor.

I have some other thoughts that I will keep to myself

MrsSmith2Be02 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_what-to-do-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:747f2cf4-77e1-4f55-8aaa-9a1856c736ecPost:90af5f50-4f86-497d-b424-4497b5beb41e">Re: What to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Tell FI there have been plenty of GORGEOUS weddings done on a budget. I'm sure everybody that gets married isn't rich. Is he adamant about a bar period or open bar.?? Because if you are opting for a cash bar instead of open, that should be a nice compromise right.?? Tell him to pay for it or have a seat. Stop comparing you guy's wedding to other people's. The bar doesn't make the wedding. I'm sure nobody will mind having to pay for their drinks. Have you looked into putting up a tab, and then when it runs out, transition into a cash bar.??
Posted by shano06[/QUOTE]

He is adamant about an open bar. The venue we have we were planning on doing a hosted bar by consumption originally. That was $1500 plus tax and gratutity which took it to a little over $1900. SO I was like yea that's not cool and is a lot of money. If we were going to translate that into people that would be 42 other people's plates for dinner. I said we could still do the cash bar which was $300 for 2 bartenders. I gave him the idea of pay the tab up that day and have some drink tickets and give to the people who you want to have them and once they have used them its gone. For example, I could purchase a drink for my bridesmaids. What's $30 for each of them to have a drink.

MrsSmith2Be02 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_what-to-do-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:747f2cf4-77e1-4f55-8aaa-9a1856c736ecPost:22c7f8fa-0c3a-4be5-8da1-78e7e8a8f6ef">Re: What to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]He definitely should pay for that..end of story. Could you bring in your own alcohol to the venue? I guess maybe not or this won't be an issue. Cause I was thinking if he buys a bottle every paycheck he will have his liquor. <strong>I have some other thoughts that I will keep to myself</strong>
Posted by rowenac82[/QUOTE]

PM me. ;)

MissusD1116 · August 2012

Umm..no ma'am press ham! *in my Casey voice* He should definitely pitch in on that one for sure....the fact that you will be his wife should be the only thing that matters.

TL25 · August 2012

Thanks for the side bar. I can relate my FI has only been to two weddings as well so he just doesn't get it when it comes to planning. Here's a get over it FI lol

MrsSmith2Be02 · August 2012

lOVE IT @TL25

[Deleted User] · August 2012

Morgan I'm sorry. This is unnecessarily stressful to deal with so close to the end. Is there anything you can do at the venue that strikes a balance in the middle? signature drinks? open the bar for a certain number of hours then close it? open it to a certain maximum then close it?

To be honest the bar is the secondary point, the issue that would really grab my attention is

He does what he wants when he wants and if he doesnt want to go / do something he just wont

this is about a BAR, what happens when he's gotta compromise about something that's actually important? and please forgive if this is a difference between just being a regular ole garden variety stubborn dude and a guy who doesn't compromise. It's not the liquor, it's the inflexibility.

M1ssJ · August 2012

OK everyone has already consoled and consulted. So I'm gonna put my 2 cents back in my pocket.

CaseynMike · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_what-to-do-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:747f2cf4-77e1-4f55-8aaa-9a1856c736ecPost:69da2f72-5d7c-4c66-87ef-0761ae829246">Re: What to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What to do? : My thoughts exactly! He told me since there can't be a hosted bar, then don't invite any of his friends / family because he doesn't want them to have to pay for their drinks. He's certified crazy.
Posted by MrsSmith2Be02[/QUOTE]

<div>Ok call me crazy but this has me feeling some kind of way....please please don't take me wrong when I ask this but:</div><div>
</div><div>Are you really sure that FI wants to get married? all of this seems like he is just saying all kinds of things that make it seem like other things are more important than what the MARRIAGE is to be about. Please don't be mad at me but 80 days out is enough time to evaluate your situation to see if this is something that you want to commit yourself to having to endure for a certain timeframe in your life. Just think about everything that has been going on and pray. </div>

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