Future SIL's wedding and timing

Re: Future SIL's wedding and timing

• lindseyann410 member

  

  February 2012 edited February 2012

  It seems like a lot of this could have been avoided if you had been upfront about your plans with everyone from the beginning.

  
  

  ETA: The best you can do is to tell people about your secret engagement. 

  
  

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• mkrupar member

  

  February 2012 edited February 2012

  Until you have a venue booked, you don't have a wedding date. So even if she plans hers yours may not work out the way you planned.

  
  

  Unfortunately at this point if you all announce your engagement it's going to seem like bandwaggoning. I don't really understand why you all waited so long to tell anyone, even your son! 

  
  

  If you haven't announced to the family, do it now, book the venue, and let things fall where they may. A lot of people are going to tell you, "You only get one day." Which is true, but two weeks between sibling weddings is really tough if a lot of family have to travel from OOT. So if she doesn't have hers booked, she may have to change her date. But if she has hers booked, you may consider changing yours. 

  
  

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• Moll1030 member

  

  February 2012

  Wow! I would feel so incredibly frustrated over this. 

  I think the best (and only) thing to do would be to have your fiance talk to his sister and explain everything, down to every little detail, and hope she will understand. If he explains that you have been planning all of this for a while now, maybe she will considered pushing their date back a few months.

  
  

  Best of luck! 

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• GeauxTigers17 member

  

  February 2012

  Etiquette-wise, you both only get one day. You plan your wedding, they plan theirs, and call it even. I realize that isn't all that helpful. 

  
  

  Do y'all have a good relationship? If so, talk to her and tell her what you're thinking. Don't ask her to change her date (if they have booked one) but I don't think a frank discussion is ever a bad idea in a functional family. I also wouldn't let it change my own plans, but why not just talk about it and avoid any hurt feelings?

  
  

  The main thing I would consider is how much you'd be asking the families to travel. Will your FI's family have to make two cross-country trips within two weeks of each other? I'd also consider any possible financial issues. If no travel or money problems exist, I really don't see why it's such a big deal to have them two weeks apart. That said, if it's going to cause strained relationships with his family, I'd probably hold off. Not because I'm a pushover, but because I think at the end of the day I'd rather have a good relationship with his family. 

  

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• mkrupar member

  

  February 2012 edited February 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-sils-wedding-and-timing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b441dc3d-d0cd-40d6-a68a-770108400d12Post:e3abd3d1-1979-425c-b516-c3a76610a561">Re: Future SIL's wedding and timing</a>:
  [QUOTE]Wow! I would feel so incredibly frustrated over this.  I think the best (and only) thing to do would be to have your fiance talk to his sister and explain everything, down to every little detail, and hope she will understand. If he explains that you have been planning all of this for a while now, maybe she will considered pushing their date back a few months. Best of luck! 
  Posted by Moll1030[/QUOTE]<div>
  </div><div>Why should his sister have to push her date back when she announced her engagement AND started planning? Why is it her that has to move her date? </div><div>
  </div><div>I'm not saying OP has to move her date either, I just don't think it's right to tell a girl who openly announced her engagement to the family and started planning, that, "Sorry you're going to have to change plans because we've been planning our super secret wedding that no one knew about."
  
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• GeauxTigers17 member

  

  February 2012

  In case my post wasn't clear - what I meant was that if anyone feels compelled based on the circumstances to change dates, I think it should be you. I don't think it's fair to ask her to change hers just because, as MK pointed out, you kept your engagement a secret. 

  
  

  I wouldn't, however, change location/details in the event that she doesn't want your wedding to seem "the same" unless you want to change those things. 

  

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• graysquirrel member

  

  February 2012

  Since your FSIL announced her engagement and doesn't even have a clue about what you have been wanting, I don't think that it would be fair to tell her to change any of her plans. Unless you have your wedding booked, I don't think that I would pressure her to change any of her plans. How would you feel if you announced your engagement and she suddenly came to you saying that she had secretly been engaged for X months and that she wants your venue-- you'd probably be really put out.
  
  I think that the best thing that you can do is to come out to your family and see how everyone can handle 2 weddings. If neither of you have actually booked anything, you don't have dates. If both parties realize that things could be close, there is wiggle room for timing. Also, being from the same area as you I cannot believe that there is only once place that lets you choose your own caterer. They are harder to find, but they do exist. If your FSIL came out first and expressed interest, I kinda think she has dibs.

  

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• ceh789 member

  

  February 2012

  <div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-sils-wedding-and-timing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b441dc3d-d0cd-40d6-a68a-770108400d12Post:d0d76ce0-6586-4290-aeaf-abc89b28a33e">Re: Future SIL's wedding and timing</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future SIL's wedding and timing : Why should his sister have to push her date back when she announced her engagement AND started planning? Why is it her that has to move her date?  I'm not saying OP has to move her date either, I just don't think it's right to tell a girl who openly announced her engagement to the family and started planning, that, "Sorry you're going to have to change plans because we've been planning our super secret wedding that no one knew about."
  Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>Totally agree, here.  Sorry OP - but keeping the lid on it for this long means that you are now at the back of the line for wedding plans.  If she has a date set that is unacceptably close to the date you were eyeing - you're going to have to move your date.  If she has a venue booked that you wanted, and you aren't ok with using the same venue - you're going to have to move your venue.</div><div>
  </div><div>I do agree that this would be frustrating and disappointing - but that's the price of keeping a secret like this.  You can't expect others to put their lives on hold to be respectful of your unannounced plans.</div></div><div>
  </div><div>Re: these questions:</div>[QUOTE]Do I have my fiance talk to his sister, just to get some ideas of her plans and clue her in about ours?  Do I just proceed with my plans, and if they coincide with hers, too bad?
  Posted by Annaluce[/QUOTE]
  I think what I would do in your shoes is have your FI talk to his sister and let her know about the secret - give her a heads up that you're going to annouce to the family - then do so.  Once the secret is out in the open, I'd start talking to FSIL about her plans and what timelines she would be comfortable with - and adjust my plan accordingly.  <div>
  </div><div>What is way more important than the "day you had imagined" is the life you'll have to live after the weddings are done.  FSIL is going to be a part of that life and if I were you I would want to start things out on a good footing by being respectful of the plans she has made public before you did.</div><div>
  </div><div>Sorry this happed to you - but I know you can find new plans if necessary for a wedding that will be very special.</div>

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• Annaluce member

  

  February 2012

  Thanks all, for your thoughts.

  
  

  We really didn't intend to have a "secret" engagement, it was more preliminary planning on our part while we figure out selling my house, figure out what school I'll be switching my son to since we live across town, and we both work in the law enforcement field so there's some scheduling and work issues that also factor into it that I'm not comfortable discussing.  Had it been my choice, I would have been more forthright, but my <future?> fiance wanted us to make sure this would be feasible and well accepted before we made the big announcement.

  
  

  Also, a lot of this could have been avoided had my fiance spoken with his sister right after her engagement like I asked him to do, politely discussing and seeing where they stand on things.  With a hint of bitterness, I forgave him on that issue, but I don't know where to go from here.  They have a good relationship, and I can't imagine they're not going to be disagreeable to working with us on finding solutions that would be OK with everyone.  I just guess I'm more trying to make sure that just talking to her isn't being inappropriate.  I really am not wanting to step on her toes, but it's hard for me because I do have things that I've been planning and to have to give those up hurts a bit.  I know, I own the problem, but I just didn't know if it was totally improper for two siblings to both have weddings in the same summer.  

  
  

  I don't believe they have a venue or a date set yet, so perhaps I can just encourage my fiance to speak with her.  They have a good relationship and I hope it won't cause problems.  I really want to avoid rocking the boat at all.

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• DramaGeek member

  

  February 2012

  I don't think it would be a problem for him to go to her and say "hey, Annaluce and I've been talking marriage and she's mentioned wanting a May wedding.  Since I'm planning to propose soon, I'm thinking we might be looking at a May 2013 wedding as well.  How can we make this work?"

  
  

  That is, of course, assuming that they have a functional relationship.

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  February 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-sils-wedding-and-timing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b441dc3d-d0cd-40d6-a68a-770108400d12Post:215cc920-118e-4c14-b12b-85bcd022ab51">Re: Future SIL's wedding and timing</a>:
  [QUOTE]Thanks all, for your thoughts. We really didn't intend to have a "secret" engagement, it was more preliminary planning on our part while we figure out selling my house, figure out what school I'll be switching my son to since we live across town, and we both work in the law enforcement field so there's some scheduling and work issues that also factor into it that I'm not comfortable discussing.  Had it been my choice, I would have been more forthright, but my <future? /> fiance wanted us to make sure this would be feasible and well accepted before we made the big announcement. Also, a lot of this could have been avoided had my fiance spoken with his sister right after her engagement like I asked him to do, politely discussing and seeing where they stand on things.  With a hint of bitterness, I forgave him on that issue, but I don't know where to go from here.  They have a good relationship, and I can't imagine they're not going to be disagreeable to working with us on finding solutions that would be OK with everyone.  I just guess I'm more trying to make sure that just talking to her isn't being inappropriate.  I really am not wanting to step on her toes, <strong>but it's hard for me because I do have things that I've been planning and to have to give those up hurts a bit</strong>.  I know, I own the problem, but I just didn't know if it was totally improper for two siblings to both have weddings in the same summer.   I don't believe they have a venue or a date set yet, so perhaps I can just encourage my fiance to speak with her.  They have a good relationship and I hope it won't cause problems.  I really want to avoid rocking the boat at all.
  Posted by Annaluce[/QUOTE]<div>
  </div><div>For all you know she has been 'secretly' planning also.   I know I did before I got engaged.</div><div>
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  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• Cortney1982 member

  

  February 2012

  Your in a rough spot.  There are 3 weddings planned this year on my finace's side of  family including ours (We got June, then there is August and October).  We all kinda have to share the buzz this year.  To me, it would seem you would be overstepping on FSIL wedding by having it weeks before hers.  You and your FI need to announce your engagement already and then talk to your FSIL. 

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• Elinetrouwt member

  

  February 2012

  I agree, the dates may be a problem for practical reasons (like family travelling), but the venue is not. Especially since you're saying she wants to have a very different kind of wedding, you can have the same venue. She should not make a big deal out of this. Just talk to her, there is nothing wrong with this. Work together, maybe you can have your wedding in another month (april/june/july), that should be ok. I don't think you need to move things to the fall or another year.

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• kmmssg mod

  

  February 2012 edited February 2012

  I'm a MOB and SMOB to two girls who were married 3 months apart.  I married into a wonderful, giving, generous family who treated both girls well at the showers and weddings because that is what they do.  However, some were extremely unhappy about it and rightly so.  2 showers and 2 weddings in 12 weeks meant a lot of money and travel for these people.  DH and I were also quite unhappy about it but his DD dug her 18 yo heels into the ground and wouldn't change her date.
  
  I do want to add right here that the 18 yo already had her church, reception venue, and dress when she told her Dad and I she was engaged.  She knew when my DD's wedding was and secretly planned her wedding (originally) for 3 weeks before my DD.  DH hit the roof over that one.  The only reason she ended up changing her date was I already had orders for a military school that couldn't be changed.
  
  How will the family receive the news that you guys have been secretly engaged all this time and now you want to scoop his sister's wedding by 2 weeks?  Having been there myself, we didn't take it well.  Even if his parents didn't offer any help with the wedding there is still 2 sets of clothes, an RD, shower, and wedding gifts in a short time span.
  
  Can you guys consider a Fall wedding?  Many on here say you only get one day and that is true, but it is an extremely short sighted piece of advice where the family is concerned.
  
  I really encourage you guys to move your date.  If I were his sister or his parents I would be really unhappy with my son and FDIL for springing this on us with a date 2 weeks prior to sister's.
  
  FWIW - Our other 2 DD's were given strict instructions that if they wanted help with their weddings, they had to be 12 or more months apart.
  
  I do need to add an edit here:
  
  My stepdd's intent WAS to secretly make her plans knowing full well when her step sister's wedding was planned for.  I do NOT in anyway think your intent here was to pull the same thing my stepdd pulled.  I made the comparison because I think it is possible that others could see your sudden announcement of a wedding 2 weeks or so prior to your fsil in the same light.  My post sounded far more harsh than I intended.  My apologies.

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• melb2013 member

  

  February 2012

  She made her plans known right away, but you didn't.  Since you were the last to tell others about your date, you can either deal with getting married around the same time as them, or you can change your date.  To be honest, if I were your sister-in-law and I had shared my engagement news and my wedding planning new with everyone and then you came out of the wood work to tell us that you had already planned a wedding at the same time, I'd be really upset with you. 

  
  

  It seems as if you just had more of a date and venue picked in your mind, rather than anything that was set in stone.  She has already seriously planned these details, so you are the one who is stepping on her toes here, not the other way around.  I really think that you should change your date to give more time between weddings to be more considerate of everybody involved.

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• specialk84

  

  February 2012 edited February 2012

  BIL got married thirteen days after us. The family didn't have to travel cross-country, but most are about 90 minutes away and frequently worry about gas money. 

  
  

  Also, both weddings fell within the same pay period for most of their siblings, none of whom work a regular 9-5 job. In one pay period, they had to take two nights off, buy two outfits, two gifts, make two trips not normally in their budgets, etc.

  
  

   It was hard on a lot of them, and they were ticked with BIL for planning so close to us, especially on late notice and after our date had been known for months.

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• toothpastechica member

  

  February 2012

  I would aviod conflict...announce your engagement asap, and move your wedding plans further away from hers...since your talking 2013 theres sitll lots of time, you could do an april wedding or a june/july/augest. At the end of the day isnt marrying your best friend more important then what day of what month it happens to fall on?

  May 2012 July Siggy: Favorite Vacation Spot Kaleden, BC
  

  
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• rebarobert2012

  

  February 2012

  I don't think it's fair to ask your future SIL to change her plans.  You and your fiance didn't announce your engagement, so she would have no way of knowing what you were planning.  I understand that you are frustrated, but you probably should have shared the news of your engagement earlier since you were obviously already making plans by picking the venue, etc.
  
  Also, I think that you should be prepared for the fact that your future SIL might be really upset with you.  She had no idea that you were even engaged.  She has already started making plans for her wedding, and it's really not fair to ask her to change any of them or to change the date.  You and your fiance are probably going to have to be the ones to change your date if you don't want the weddings to be close.

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