Maid of Honor-zilla??

kjbrumbaugh · December 2009

Alright, I need help. I asked a girl to be my MOH a few months ago and she has, quite literally, become a TERROR! I don't know what to do. She has offended me, my fiance, and our close friends and acts like she's done nothing wrong. We've talked to her kindly but we now feel like more drastic measures should be taken. I should also tell you that she's my fiance's boss and that her husband is in his WP.
PLEASE....what do I do??
thanks
-karyn

mbcdefg · December 2009

There must be more to the story here. If you could provide some more insight, I think that'll help people give you better answers:

Why did you ask her to be your MOH? Is she your closest friend? Does she live the closest to you geographically? Did you feel that she would be the best at helping you plan and throwing a shower/bachelorette for you?

What exactly has she done to make her such a "terror"?

Did you assign her any duties, jobs or tasks as your MOH? Have you asked her to throw a shower or bachelorette party for you? Are you having a head table and/or a bridal party dance where she cannot sit or dance with her own husband?

What was she like BEFORE your engagement? Is this totally new behavior for her (and if so, do you have any idea what may have triggered it)? Or is this just an exaggerated version of her normal behavior? Were you even close to her before your engagement?

Did you ask her to be in the wedding because she's a dear friend? Did your FI want you to ask her (because they're friends, and/or because she's his boss)? Did you ask her so that you'd have an even bridal party?

Without knowing the answers to these questions, for now I can only say:

Avoid wedding talk with her as much as possible, and only give her the must-know information (what dress to get, when and where she needs to be for the rehearsal and on the wedding day). Don't get her involved in planning, and politely change the subject or excuse yourself from the conversation if SHE brings up wedding stuff.

Do not kick her out. Realize that, if you do, that's pretty much the end of the relationship. If you were just friends then you could cut her out of your life in this case, but if she is your FI's boss then things could potentially be VERY bad for his career if you boot her from the wedding. And her husband would likely drop out as well, and/or have hard feelings toward you and FI for "firing" his wife.

Please explain the rest of the story. There HAS to be a reason that she's acting this way.

gottahavashorti · December 2009

[QUOTE]Alright, I need help. I asked a girl to be my MOH a few months ago and she has, quite literally, become a TERROR! I don't know what to do. She has offended me, my fiance, and our close friends and acts like she's done nothing wrong. We've talked to her kindly but we now feel like more drastic measures should be taken.[/QUOTE]
Is this in relation to the wedding, or in general? Stop talking about the wedding in front of her if it's wedding related stuff. If not, talking to her and distancing her from yourself is really all you can do.

[QUOTE] I should also tell you that she's my fiance's boss and that her husband is in his WP. PLEASE....what do I do?? thanks -karyn
Posted by kjbrumbaugh[/QUOTE]
Since she didn't listen when you talked to her, II would say to consider whether you want to consider the friendship depending on the severity of her comments/actions and a WR decision will follow that, or to wait until after the wedding to decide whether to continue the friendship. But because she is your FI's boss, just try to deal with it the best you can. Unless he is searching for a new job currently and is successful in finding one, you need him to stay on good terms with her as long as she is his boss.

kjbrumbaugh · December 2009

Is she your closest friend? Does she live the closest to you geographically? Did you feel that she would be the best at helping you plan and throwing a shower/bachelorette for you?

She was the only girl closest to me geographilcally and she would have definitely been the best at helping me plan and throwing the shower for me. She wasn't my best friend but she was the closest to me and I REALLY needed help when i first started planning UNTIL she thought that meant that she could take over. She started telling me that my ideas weren't good and after reminding her kindly several times that it was OUR wedding not hers she still didn't get the point.

Did you assign her any duties, jobs or tasks as your MOH? Have you asked her to throw a shower or bachelorette party for you? Are you having a head table and/or a bridal party dance where she cannot sit or dance with her own husband?

I have assigned her NO duties, I asked if she could help me once with a few questions i had and she volunteered to meet with me once after that to help me plan... I am having a head table but was not planning on doing anything where she couldn't sit or dance with her husband.

What was she like BEFORE your engagement? Is this totally new behavior for her (and if so, do you have any idea what may have triggered it)? Or is this just an exaggerated version of her normal behavior? Were you even close to her before your engagement?

Yes, we were close... my fiance and I both work at the same place but I'm independtly contracted and he actually works at the place. She was so sweet and caring, engaged and helpful. We've been close for the last year and her behavior before had always been a little self-consumed but not over the top... this is totally new behavior and I'd love to blame that all on her new pregancy BUT I feel like it's just an exaggerated version of who she was.

I hope that helps you understand the situation a little better. My WP is small but thankfully my other girls are really helpful and supportive. Thanks for the advice... that's the approach I wanted to take (minimal information...minimal involvement) and thankfully it won't be too awkard because we're not having ANYONE from our wedding party giving us a toast and my mom's friend is having the wedding shower for us:) If you have anything else that you think would be helpful... please... let me know! Thanks

mwhitson14 · December 2009

[QUOTE]She was the only girl closest to me geographilcally and she would have definitely been the best at helping me plan and throwing the shower for me. She wasn't my best friend but she was the closest to me and I REALLY needed help when i first started planning[/QUOTE]

Um, there's your problem right there. Why the heck would you ask someone that isn't your best friend to be your MOH?!

[QUOTE]I have assigned her NO duties[/QUOTE]

You JUST said the only reason you asked her to be your MOH was so she could throw you a shower and help you plan, so I'm thinking that statement is a lie.

Other than that, I don't know what to tell you. You've dug yourself a grave and now you're in it. You can kick her out and ruin your relationship with her, or suck it up and let it go.

mbcdefg · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6f80b6ae-9531-4633-b25e-d5b1c2ac95c9Post:a861597d-66f3-4326-87d8-aac32269b3fa">Re: Maid of Honor-zilla??</a>:
[QUOTE]She was the only girl closest to me geographilcally and she would have definitely been the best at helping me plan and throwing the shower for me. She wasn't my best friend but she was the closest to me and I REALLY needed help when i first started planning UNTIL she thought that meant that she could take over. She started telling me that my ideas weren't good and after reminding her kindly several times that it was OUR wedding not hers she still didn't get the point.
Posted by kjbrumbaugh[/QUOTE]

Well, that's your problem right there. MOH is supposed to be your closest friend, not the person most available to help you with stuff.

If you really couldn't handle the planning on your own (and, really, it's not hard to plan a wedding, so IDK why you REALLY needed help ... unless you just wanted to do too much), you should've either asked your FI for help, hired a planner or scaled things back until you could easily do it yourself. It's fine to ask your friends and BMs for help, but remember that this isn't their obligation. And it's a poor excuse to pick someone as your MOH.

Oh well, lesson learned. Like you said, minimal information and minimal involvement, and hopefully things will cool down and you won't have to deal with her as much.

megk8oz · December 2009

Ditto everybody that's said to just cut the wedding-talk, since it's clearly just not going to end well.

While it has been said, I should reiterate that your MOH is the person who is closest to you emotionally, not geographically. And even if she lived right next door to you, that doesn't mean she's responsible to help with planning or throwing showers.

You can totally boot somebody from your WP as long as you are completely 100% ok with the fact that you may never speak to them again, or if they do speak to you, the relationship will never be restored to it's former glory. Seeing how this woman is apparently your FI's boss, I'm thinking that there's no way you can be "at peace" with this, so I would just honestly accept that you made your bed on this one.

Sorry that the situation sucks, but hopefully things will get better if you just stay away from the wedding topic in for the time being.

banana468 · December 2009

I think the best thing now is to back off on including her.

Unless she's done something drastic, it's probably best not to rock the boat by removing her from the WP and your friendship.

However, I would start planning things on my own and if she asserts herself again in a rude way, you do need to speak up and say, "This is how it will be. Period."

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