undecisive and confused

Re: undecisive and confused

• Lisa50 member

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  It makes sense to me.  Have you thought about eloping? 
  
  Pick an island in the Caribbean that has laws which are friendly to foreigners marrying.  Aruba comes to mind.  Make sure you have the documents you need, pick a nice resort and give them a call to let them know what you want to do and voila!  They'll take care of getting things ready for the two of you ... BAM!  Done.  Married.  And, nicely enough, already in a lovely location for your honeymoon.  Ahhhh ....

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• LindaN21 member

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  You need to sit down with your FI and discuss this.  I think you should do whatever you feel is right for the both of you.  Don't go through with the big white wedding if that is not what you want.  Is this FI's first marriage?  You say FI's parents want you to have a big wedding.  Are they willing to help pay?  Even if they are it is about you and your future husband and what you want.  I know what you mean about society making you feel guilty, but you are entitled to do what you want, whether you want the white wedding or to elope, do what makes you feel happy!!!
  
  You deserve to have the day you want, whether it is your first, second or third marriage for that matter!!  Congrats on whatever you decide. 

  

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• nabrighteyes

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  Been there, done that! 
  
  I didn't want a ceremony the second time around but because it was his first, he pouted (yes, and I mean really pouted) that he wanted a ceremony despite my claims that I thought this was a HUGE waste of money.  I even thought about calling the wedding off and having a private ceremony for us.  But....that didn't happen!
  
  It is natural tofeel overwhelm and not willing to do all of this extra work.  What I did to ease the pain and the drama was I wrote down (3) lists: What to do List, What to Buy list and Vendor to do lists. I purchased things weekly instead of a one time only event and saved a lot of cash and headache.  Also, I reserved our reception for a "must have" people.  We set the limit before we did the guest list.  That helped us save money and really focus on what is really important- US! 

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• ichellemay1

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_undecisive-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:ef39f296-fb9a-43a5-9e7e-ef9a81548495Post:5f2bb9ce-4e9b-4eca-976b-8854c9322498">Re: undecisive and confused</a>:
  [QUOTE]You need to sit down with your FI and discuss this.  I think you should do whatever you feel is right for the both of you.  Don't go through with the big white wedding if that is not what you want.  Is this FI's first marriage?  You say FI's parents want you to have a big wedding.  Are they willing to help pay?  Even if they are it is about you and your future husband and what you want.  I know what you mean about society making you feel guilty, but you are entitled to do what you want, whether you want the white wedding or to elope, do what makes you feel happy!!! You deserve to have the day you want, whether it is your first, second or third marriage for that matter!!  Congrats on whatever you decide. 
  Posted by LindaN21[/QUOTE]
  
  This.

  

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• FutureMrsGibb member

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  I feel bad for you. The wedding planning is supposed to be a magical time and everyone seems to get crazy over it. It's not about the wedding, it's about the marriage. I mistakenly eloped my first wedding (at 4:00am in Vegas) but could never picture how I wanted my wedding to be. Now that I am marrying the man that I am made for, I can see it and no, it's not what others want. We are going to Jamaica and people can come if they want. It's about us, just as it should be about you two. If you're having trouble making decisions, maybe you aren't headed in the right direction in terms of what you really want.

  
  

  Don't blame society about the stigma. You should own your feelings and I think they are just paranoia and concern over what other people think. There is a craziness out there that everyone needs to have a big, white wedding, and that's just not for everybody. Listen to your heart.
  
  I wish you luck. Six months before your wedding, you should be elated, not indecisive and confused.

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• AdelphiTN member

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  I think that you probably haven't moved forward because you don't like the direction your feet are pointed.
  
  There is a happy medium on this - you don't have to be all or nothing - big white wedding or elope.  Have a small, nice ceremony & reception. Skip the attendants or have just MOH and BM. Instead of "big white wedding" make it "simple, elegant wedding."  Remember that the point of the event is to mark (and celebrate) the start of a new phase of your life.
  
  Sit down with fi and some wine to discuss. Imagine you can fast-forward time, and you are looking BACK at your wedding. What do you picture?
  
  If you indeed do keep your current venue, date and dress, then it's time to find SOME aspect of this event that you find exciting... anything! maybe it's the cake? some luscious yummy cake? or maybe find your something old/new/borrowed/blue. Or maybe some theme or decoration idea. i was completely stalled till i got excited about the invitations of all things.
  
  Best wishes to you - come back here often, we know how you feel!
  
  
  

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• naynay1982

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  some clarifications...
  
  This is FI first wedding (and only). We had wanted to do a small classy at home wedding at first. We were all excited and giddy about that idea. Then his parents suggested that we get married in Hawaii (they had literally just come back from a vacation there). So then we got excited about that idea. That is untill we thought about it and realised that it would be really difficult for my family to fly to Hawaii from the east coast. So we decided to move it to the west coast to make it closer for them.
  
  Up until a few months ago FI and were also living on the east coast and so it was really difficult to make any plans until we moved out here to the west coast. SO that is partly why I haven't been very excited about the planning because I couldn't really do any planning. His parents did some leg work for us and found the location, loved it, and secured the date. They offered to pay for the location. We never even saw it other than a few online pictures untill 2 months ago.
  
  They have eluded to them paying for other items as well but we are still not sure exactly what or how much. Whenever we ask about it they just say "don't worry about it". Well, I am a control freak by nature. I am not able to just not worry about it. I want to make plans and backup plans and backup plans for my backup plans. Not having any sort of budget to work with halts my plans. I start to look up ideas and vendors and get stuck because I don't know how much we can afford. That is what makes me frustrated, indecisive and confussed.
  
  We are at the point where we both want to just go back to our original plan of having a small ceremony at home and pay for it ourselves. We have been talking about it alot lately and what we have in mind would be considerably less expensive than the location already chosen. We both work in the food service/catering industry so we feel that we are able to accurately depict (within reason) what it will entail to pull this off. We also have friends/coworkers who are willing to help with this. We are only looking at 40 guests at most. We both cook for 50 or more people every day.
  
  I think that this is what we have decided to do. He is really excited about this idea and I haven't seen him excited about the wedding plans since we first got engaged. I too have perked up a bit since discussing it last night and laying out a plan.
  
  It's just so easy to get off course sometimes, you know? You see the pretty pictuers and the watch the wedding shows on tv and you can loose track of what you wanted to begin with.  Thanks everyone for understanding and your advice.
  
  
  

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• thealphabride

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  Hi nayany,
  Sounds like you and the FI have somewhat of a plan for moving forward. I don't think it's unusual to be indecisive.
  
  I was very indecisive about a lot of things, and when I look back on it, some times it saved me (chucked some DYI projects that were actually more costly, time consuming and stressful than just buying the items) and sometimes it cost me(3 pairs of shoes) 
  
  When money is an issue, remember to be very organized and don't spend a DIME on anything you don't absolutely need for the wedding. Spend more money on yourself if you can. 
  
  Here's a tip for you: GO to www.weddingwire.com and sign up. There is a budget tool, a checklist tool, and tons of other great tools to use to plan your wedding.
  This will help you get organized and search for vendors in your area.
  
  Time for your FINACE to sit down with your future in laws ALONE and get the dollar amount they are contributing. You need the figure, you are six months out.
  THis "don't worry about it" won't cut the mustard at 6 months out.
  
  AND you need to create a budget for you and your fiance as well, and it is hard to do without their number first. Get your number, stick with it, and vendors will work with you and your budgeted numbers.
  
  BEST OF LUCK NAYNAY!!!!!!!!!!! Keep us posted!!!!

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• MikesAngie member

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  naynay, I agree with thealphabride... Your FI needs to talk with his parents ALONE, and find out a specific dollar amount they want to contibute.  Once you know your total budget - then finalize your plans and have the wedding you want!
  
  Best of luck!! And keep us posted!

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• rapunnzzll

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  naynay, what I was going to say was in the previous two posts from alphabride and mikesangie.  You have to know what his parents are contributing before you can move forward.  Good luck and really keep in mind what you and your fi want.  Sometimes it's easier to make compromises with family, but certainly don't let them control your choices.

  
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