How to best include a challenging sister?

shugaplum4 · October 2012

Hi all,

I'm having a bit of a dilemma and am reaching out with the hope of getting some feedback/ideas from other brides-to-be.

My sister and I are not close and although it is tradition for sisters to be bridesmaids, I'm struggling and am leaning toward not asking her to be in my wedding. A part of me has felt pulled to ask her, if for nothing else but to keep peace with her. A few things, beyond our somewhat strained relationship contribute to even taking that road, however. Even though she has nearly a year of notice before my wedding, she cannot commit to attending (she and her husband live out of state). She says she will do her best, but she won't commit to coming. Given our history, I will not be surprised if she doesn't make it. I also don't expect her to be interested in any other wedding-related festivities, such as the bachelorette party.

That being said, I do love my sister, even when we don't get along. I want to include her in my wedding somehow, but I don't feel like I can count on her to attend the wedding, let alone be an enjoyable participant in the process. Does anyone have ideas about other ways to include her? The last thing I want is to ask her to be a part of it only to have her not show up OR complain the whole way along, which might be even more stressful. Nonetheless, she may be angry with me if I don't ask her. I've heard of some people asking some of their special women to be honorary bridesmaids/matrons of honor, though this is frowned upon by many. Part of my interest in going this route is because she openly admits that she may not make it to the event. Given that she can be a challenging person, our mom supports my decision either way.

Thank you for your thoughts and perspectives and for any other ideas for roles/titles for loved ones who may not be in the standing wedding party but whom I may want to include?

LittleMissBridezilla · October 2012

I agree with asking her to do a reading. I mean, obviously you love her because she is your sister despite it being a strained relationship. Like StageManager14 said, worst case scenerio she doesn't show up and you just scrap the reading (maybe make it a reading which isn't as important to you) or if she tells you ahead of time you give the reading to another person to read. For example. I have a Maid and Matron of honor so since each will be giving a toast I am going to extend to my other 2 bridesmaids the opportunity to do a reading, one will be doing 1 Corenthians 13:1-4 I believe and the other will do something more whimsical like some Dr. Suess quotes or a Disney quote or something. Just a thought.

MyNameIsNot · October 2012

I agree. I wouldn't ask her to be a BM if you aren't close and don't get along very well. The reading idea works, or you could ask her to have a hand in any religous roles (bearing gifts, holding chupah, etc.) You could also ask her to be your witness if you have to be one.

If she does come, even if she is nothing more than a guest, I would get her a coursage and seat her in a place of honor. You could have her escort your mother into the ceremony and sit with your mother.

sonya+adam · October 2012

I ditto Stage. Something like a reading sounds like the best option.

theelusive1 · October 2012

I would ask her to do a reading. Worst thing is that another person has to read. I would not ask her to be in the wedding party.
You could ask her and her husband to be the host and hostess greeting guests at the reception. Of course this is a place that is easily done without if she does not show up.

Lisa50 · October 2012

Your sister and her husband should receive an invitation. Her refusal to commit to attend is the only heads up I'd need to veer away from counting on her for anything that day. I would not ask her to do anything other than show up. I would definitely not assign the job of greeter/host/hostess ... your venue staff should take care of that.

renegade gaucho · October 2012

You're definitely in a difficult position. Whatever you decide to do, I think you need to have very low expectations for her participation. If you ask her to be a bridesmaid, don't be surprised if she isn't involved in a bridal shower or bachelorette party, either as a host or guest, and if she drops out either by choice or default because she didn't order her dress in time, don't get upset about it.

As others have suggested, if you don't think she'll be offended if you ask her to do a reading rather than be a bridesmaid, that's probably the best way to go.

It's unfortunate that you can't rely on her, but at least if you accept that she is who she is and have a contingency plan in case she doesn't follow through with any commitment she makes, everything will be fine.

shugaplum4 · October 2012

Thank you all for your feedback and ideas. I feel more comfortable with my decision not to invite her to be a bridesmaid now that I have a better plan. I will include her in another way that will not impact our day should she ultimately not make it.

To RetreadBride: I think she might, actually. She is unpredictable at times and prone to being offended, even when the situation does not seem to warrant it.

I think that including her in a different way is as good of solution as there is. I do not want to hurt her feelings, but I do want to approach our wedding in an authentic way, which, for me, means choosing to include her in an alternative way.

Again, thank you, ladies!

TayBeach2013 · October 2012

This sounds almost exactly like my younger sister and I, though I for sure know she expects to be a bridesmaid. I'd toyed with the idea until she attacked mom with a fork a couple of weeks ago. Yeah, done with that.

She will either be a guest or reader, and I'm leaning strongly toward simply a guest.

How to best include a challenging sister?

Re: How to best include a challenging sister?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards