I am a drunk idiot in need of advice.

Re: I am a drunk idiot in need of advice.

• catarntina member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  Well, you told her (twice) that she is a BM.  So she is a BM. Period.
  
  It's not the end of the world if she cannot attend the events.  Let her know what she can do to help you out, if she volunteers her time.  Don't require her to spend any money on you.
  
  Maybe you can get a BM dress from David's Bridal so as to accomodate everyone's geographical location and budget -- I did this with my entire WP.  The dresses were from David's, and the tuxes from MW's because I had people from so many different states I needed to accomodate.
  
  Go to David's, pick out a color and general style (or the exact dress) and tell her to order it at her convenience at her local David's Bridal.  That is all she is required to do. If she can make it to your bachelorette party, great! If not, don't get angry with her.  Being in a wedding is not *that* expensive.  The only thing required of your BMs is to buy a dress.  If you're looking at dresses that are $300-400 dollars, that's just mean.  C'mon now.
  
  I told my MOH what color I wanted and general style.  She picked out a dress that was most flattering on her.  We live 1200 miles apart, so she could not help me plan.  She helped with the shower, and that was it.  No complaints. I thought she was great.
  
  My SIL was a BM.  She did not make it to the shower because she had to work, and she didn't help plan mainly because we live 1300 miles apart.  I told her which dress to buy, and she showed up at the day of the wedding wearing her dress.  She was a great BM the day of the wedding and again I have no complaints.
  
  You don't have to require them spend a fortune on your wedding, nor do their lives stop to help you plan.
  

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• cschuma2 member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  I second everything catartina said.
  
  Will your wedding be worse with her as a BM?  I doubt it.  You can still ask everyone that you originally planned.  If this makes your wedding party uneven, that is totally okay.
  
  Try to get to know her better and become closer with her and maybe you will feel better about this.  Ask her to go out to lunch.  Invite her and her husband out with you and FI next time.
  
  If you were to decide to kick her out, there is no reasonable way to do this.  This will be a friendship ender and may cause some tension between your FI and her husband also.
  
  I'm curious, what does your FI think?

  

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• CoCo'sMommy

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  I feel sorry for you. Ive totally said dumb stuff after a bottle of wine before. Everyone will say "you cant kick her out and the like" so I say either stick with it or tell her the numbers dont match up. I have two good friends fiance does not like one. I had to tell her I picked the other friend because the numbers didnt add up. which is part true and its partly because fiance gets along better with my other friend who in my opinion is the better friends(shh) But I hadnt asked her to be a bridesmaid to begin with so its not the same...

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• cschuma2 member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  Don't say anything about numbers not matching up.  That's silly.  You may as well say that you value symmetry more than your friendships.  Uneven sides are just fine and are becoming very common!  That part should be a non-issue.

  

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• kellyandtim1

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  Haha, that is totally something I would do!!!  I agree with pp, just have her as a BM, it won't hurt anything.

  Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that. --Michael Leunig-- Planning Bio

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• christieep

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  Just to support what others have said.  Don't worry about sides matching up, no one really cares about that anymore.  We had 8 on one side and 4 on the other.  I have heard from many brides that sometimes the BMs aren't their ideal bridal party.  There are people we put in it out of obligation or because someone's feelings will be hurt, so you won't be the first bride to have a less than ideal bridal party.

  

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• Simply_Caitlin member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  I wasn't thinking of kicking her out, I think my original post came across wrong.  I was thinking more of talking to her about where the wedding plans will be mostly taking place and the costs and leaving it up to her. Saying something along the lines of "I know finances are tough right now and I was just over excited and asked you without considering any of the details.  If you are comfortable with things, great, but if it's going to be too much and you'd feel more comfortable being involved in a different way, I'm ok with that too."  This way I don't feel like a complete ass when it comes time for the financial part of the dress.  We have a dress hook up in NY, going through my sister in laws best friend, so we won't be going the David's Bridal route.  That's not to say the designer we will end up with will be impossible to find out here but, more difficult maybe.  When I was in her wedding, I had to travel 2 hours to find anyone who carried the designer and I still had to order a dress without seeing it first.
  
  It doesn't affect who can still be in my party, I'm going to ask all the same people I originally planned.  Even, uneven, I don't care, that would all work itself out.  Without sounding selfish, there were just already plans made on how we would go about things and I won't change them for one person.  If she's ok with that, then there really isn't a problem.  I just think it's best to talk to her about it.  I guess for me, I wouldn't say yes to being in a wedding just to buy a dress and stand up by the altar.  I wouldn't be in a wedding I couldn't be at the events for.  But that's me.  Clearly not everyone agrees.

  
  
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• CoCo'sMommy

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_ohio-toldeo_am-drunk-idiot-need-of-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:237Discussion:5808e849-88ed-4bf5-b41e-77d2fd389a53Post:701bed66-ea97-420e-a02a-1257608751f6">Re: I am a drunk idiot in need of advice.</a>:
  [QUOTE]Don't say anything about numbers not matching up.  That's silly.  You may as well say that you value symmetry more than your friendships.  Uneven sides are just fine and are becoming very common!  That part should be a non-issue.
  Posted by cschuma2[/QUOTE]
  
  I know this is very common now a days to not have even sides. But I dont think my not having friend A lets call her in my wedding ended our relationship we are still friends. I wasnt in my SIL's wedding and shes in mine. Honestly I could care less if Im a bridesmaid, its nice just to be invited.

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• Merin member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_ohio-toldeo_am-drunk-idiot-need-of-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:237Discussion:5808e849-88ed-4bf5-b41e-77d2fd389a53Post:65b23ad4-3400-4583-87fe-59fab7ca0435">Re: I am a drunk idiot in need of advice.</a>:
  [QUOTE] Saying something along the lines of "I know finances are tough right now and I was just over excited and asked you without considering any of the details.  If you are comfortable with things, great, but if it's going to be too much and you'd feel more comfortable being involved in a different way, I'm ok with that too."  Posted by Simply_Caitlin[/QUOTE]
  
  I think this is an excellent way to handle it.  It's nice that you're considering her feelings and circumstances.  And who knows, maybe now that she's thought about it she'll take that as a way out or something.  
  
  I will add, however, that I disagree with the other posters in that if there's a situation where the bride is quite sure that she does not want a certain person in the wedding, I don't care HOW many times you've asked/told her, you CAN "un-ask".  Yes, it can potentially damage a friendship, but bridesmaids are women who stand up with you on one of the biggest days of your life, and I think it's silly to say that there's an obligation to anyone.   You should have the women that are most important to you with you on that special day.  That's just my opinion, though.

  Causes that are important to me: Planned Pethood Graham's Foundation NOCC

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• jenn8088

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  I COMPLETELY agree with PP!!!!  I cannot figure out why, when we are planning OUR weddings, that all of the sudden we have to put our feelings on the back burner and be extremely careful not to upset anyone or step on anyones toes. All the while we are going through God awful situations with unwanted bridesmaid drama, rude family members, etc... We wouldn't put up with 1/10th of this drama in our everyday lives, so why does it automatically become acceptable to have to do so when we are planning one of the most important days of our lives? As long as you're not walking around with a giant chip on your shoulder because you are getting married... like a million other women....  you should ABSOLUTELY have the right to have who you want in your wedding! I'm a very easy going person but this drives me nuts!! FI and I are paying a small fortune for our wedding and I refuse to be bullied into doing anything that FI and I don't want to do. It's YOUR day! And you do what you have to do to make it perfect for you and FI!! As millions of other brides have done in the past! 

  

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• CoCo'sMommy

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  YAY for merin and Jenn! I absolutely agree! You have the right to ask or not ask or un ask anyone you want!!!

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• cschuma2 member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_ohio-toldeo_am-drunk-idiot-need-of-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:237Discussion:5808e849-88ed-4bf5-b41e-77d2fd389a53Post:07d05aef-e8c6-447a-a3e8-c2a81b32b0c5">Re: I am a drunk idiot in need of advice.</a>:
  [QUOTE]YAY for merin and Jenn! I absolutely agree! You have the right to ask or not ask or un ask anyone you want!!!
  Posted by CoCo'sMommy[/QUOTE]
  
  Of course you have the right to do so.  It's not like you would go to wedding jail.  We just simply said that if you remove someone from the bridal party that it could be VERY damaging to a friendship- and possibly even end the friendship.  In most situations, it's just not worth it.
  
  Caitlin,
  
  It sounds like you have the right idea.  Weddings can be expensive, that's definitely for sure.  If this girl cannot do the wedding events and wants to step down, so be it.  If she cannot afford to do the wedding events and can only stand up with you on the day of your wedding, I hope that everyone is okay with that too.  Good luck with everything, and let us know how it goes!

  

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• Simply_Caitlin member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  Thank you for the advice ladies!  I invited her to come along to a bridal show this month and she said she'd come along if she was free.  I think it would be fantastic if she could help out with all the free things.  I'll probably have a talk with her before then like I planned this way she can decide what's best for her.  I would unask her if she gave me reason to, as horrible as that sounds, but this isn't that kind of situation.  I like the girl, that's why I got so excited to see her at the party and how I ended up saying something about being a bridesmaid.  She had just come from an office Christmas party with her guy so she was sauced up too, so who knows if I even asked her haha, I think it might've just been 2 buzzing friends, excited for a wedding.  No harm was done though.
  
  I'll let you guys know how it all turns out.  I'm willing to bet she'd go into debt to be in it if she had to.  I'm not saying she would need to haha, I just think that's the kind of person she is.  PS Special thanks to CoCo for helping me not feel like an alcoholic haha.

  
  
  258 invited
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  76 are missing all the fun
  
  

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