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My 1st, his 2nd... totally conflicted!

kaz2579kaz2579
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in Second Weddings
Hey Girls.  :)
So, I've been having a lot of mixed feelings about what is appropriate and what isn't as far as our upcoming wedding goes.  This will be my first (and hopefully last!) walk down the aisle, but it's his second.  He wasn't married long, and they never had any children (relief!), but his last wedding was a large and traditional affair.  
Since this is my first wedding, I'm enjoying the planning quite a bit, and I'm really looking forward to all of our friends and family coming together to celebrate with us.  But, sometimes I feel guilty... or just kind of awkward.  My family and friends have been nagging me to register.  But, we already have a house, and we honestly have everything we need. Is it fair to register and expect his friends and family to buy us gifts? They've already done this for him.  
Is it tacky for me to want to do the whole big wedding thing? Since this is his second, should I try to keep it small and intimate? He's fantastic, and wants to do whatever I want.  He keeps telling me that since  this is my first time, and this is his first time "for real"  we should do whatever I want to do.  
I'm totally conflicted! What's ok, and what isn't?
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Re: My 1st, his 2nd... totally conflicted!

  • Britt1406Britt1406 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think most "etiquette" for 2nd time weddings doesn't really apply anymore. I would suggest creating a small registry with stuff you don't necessarily need, but you want (new sheets, paintings, decor, etc). That way those who want to get you something will have an idea of what to get. Otherwise, they might go out on a limb and guess, so you could end up with 5 waffle makers.
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  • jerseydeviljerseydevil member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am in a similar boat and here are my opinions:

    Is it fair to register and expect his friends and family to buy us gifts?
    -Yes, it is fair to register. No, don't expect his friends and family or yours to buy you gifts. Just register as a convenience for those who wish to give you something so they don't have to guess what you need or like.

    Is it tacky for me to want to do the whole big wedding thing?
    -No it is not tacky, this is your 1st marriage and regardless of how many times either of you were married before this is a celebration of your love to each other that is unique and special to you.

    Since this is his second, should I try to keep it small and intimate?
    -No, invite whoever you want to invite! If he decides to invite a smaller crowd than was at his 1st wedding that will be his choice.

    These are just my opinions. Happy planning!!
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  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hi Congatulations and welcome!  It doesn't matter if he's been married before do what suits you both and celebrate your love your way.

    REGISTER!!!  Unless you want a closet full of white elephant gifts or worse something totally tacky that your expected to display.

    Have the wedding you want, if your dream is big a traditional then do it, but remember that it's your FI's wedding too so allow him a say.

    Happy Planning!
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  • tif52tif52
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I have had these feelings too.   My marriage is my second and my fiance's third.  My mom is killing me with her negativity about us wanting to have a ceremony and reception.  I was conflicted as well until my fiance said something that totally made sense to me.  He said that this wedding is about us and that he should never have to be considered "second" to anyone.  He never says a thing about this being his third marriage.  To both of us, it is the only and last marriage.  :)  So, we are going to do it up right!!!!  :)  Nothing too big mind you, but we aren't going to let anyone dictate how we celebrate our love for one another...but most of all we aren't going to let anyone get us down by bringing up the past. 
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  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Welcome and congrats! It's my first wedding, my fiance's 3rd marriage (never had a wedding before)

    Everyone has pretty much provided excellent advice. Here in a nutshell:

    - your first wedding, don't feel guilty. Plan the wedding you want with his input
    - register if you want, as others have said. My fiance & I have TWO households, and other than a personal shower for me, don't expect anyone to offer one. My boss has offered to throw me a bachelorette party, but she's outrageously fun and extravagent
    - Plan what you can afford to pay for. If anyone (your parents, his) offers money, remember that they who pay get a say in your plans.

    Good luck.
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  • thealphabridethealphabride
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Welcome and congratulations. You should not feel conflicted one bit. You should have the wedding of your dreams and so should your fiance have the wedding of his dreams TO YOU. This is about you and him.

    I agree with pp that registration is a convenience to the guests and you should register. I needed new towels, sheets, and stuff that wears out. I recieved many nice gifts from our registery for my small shower and our wedding.

    We had 95 guests (second time for both of us) and many gave cash gifts. Do I feel guilty? NO. A gift was not expected by me and I was happy for all who attended even the ones that did not give a gift. Some gave very generous gifts and some very small but I was just so happy they were there to celebrate with us. A few gave none. I don't care. I wanted every person there, that is why I invited them.
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  • ChrislovesBarryChrislovesBarry member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Of course you should have your dream wedding.  I'm in your same boat...my 1st his 2nd.  Do what makes you happy?  Big or small...who cares.  But the people you invite should be the people that will celebrate this wonderful event with you.

    Registering: If you have everything you need, why not do a honeymoon registry or ask people to donate to a charity.  We don't live together, but when we are married...I'm purging my old stuff and so is he.  So we registered for a lot of the basics: towels, kitchen stuff, bedding. 

    Enjoy!
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  • vb0000vb0000 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow, thanks for posting and it was great to read everyone's responses!  

    I am sort of in the same boat Kaz, it's my first wedding and his 2nd wedding. At first he didn't want anything beyond just going to city hall but now he's into it.  We realized this was the only time that we would be getting married to each other and we wanted it to be a celebration of that love and union.

    It sounds like everyone involved in your lives is on board with a traditional wedding for you and your honey. I say go for it!  As long as you go with your gut you won't be sorry.
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