Name change nerves

SoSaysTara · March 2012

Hi all!

I was first married when I was 20, changed my name to my then husband's name without much consideration. By the end of our 2 year marriage, hearing that name PAINED me. As a teacher, I had to hear it ALL the time and it was very hard.

I remember feeling as though I didn't even HAVE a last name. Like my identity was not my own.

Upon my divorce, I immediately changed my name to my maiden name and loved every minute of it. I continued going by the married name for an excrutiating 6 months because I was with the same group of kids and didn't want to explain it.

At the start of the next school year, I went by my maiden name and loved it soooo much. Now, coming to the end of my third school year as Ms. MaidenName, I'm also coming up on an exciting new chapter in my life: getting married in June!

I am SO thrilled to marry my FI, as I'm sure we all are.

The one thing I am super nervous about is the name change. I know there are so many options, but honestly, I dislike ALL the options and I've been struggling with this the entire time we're engaged.

I don't like the idea of keeping my maiden name only because I WANT the uniting name for our entire family and I like the symbolism of starting a new life.

I don't like the idea of hyphenating because I don't like the look OR sound of it. TOO clunky. My last name is 12 letters long and 4 syllables. His is 7 letters and 2 syllables. Too long!

I think about putting my maiden name as my middle name, but then I don't like the idea of losing my middle name either.

I kinda like the idea of the four names, no hyphen, but have no idea whether it would then be 2 last names or 2 middle names. I also think this is pretty clunky as it would make my total name 27 letters long.

I know that no one can make this decision for me, but does anone else feel this way? Has anyone else struggled with this SO much? How did you finally decide?

Lisa50 · March 2012

Don't do it. If you're creating this much angst for yourself, don't change your name.

Keeping your name doesn't mean you have less faith in your marriage (unless you think it does). Keeping your name doesn't mean you have less love for your husband (unless you think it does). Keep your name as it is. If you change your mind in a year ... or in a decade, you can always change it. There is no expiration date ... give yourself a break!

right1thistime · March 2012

My SIL is a teacher, and has a PhD, earned while she had her first married name. She continued with that name for a period of time, then migrated to 2nd married name over time, when she felt compelled to do so.

If you do the 4 name combo, you can use the names in any format you wish. I took my Dh's name, as it meant a lot to me, and I wanted to get away from xH's name. I moved my maiden name to my middle name legally. However, in my mind, my middle name by birth is still there, in parentheses or something. Not legally, but in my heart. ~Donna

Avion22 · March 2012

I'm in more or less the same position as you....changed my name for my first marriage, then changed back to my maiden name about two years after my first husband passed away. That was a difficult decision as I didn't want to tarnish my late husband's memory in any way, but his family and I parted on VERY bad terms and I no longer wished to share a name with them.

I had established myself professionally with my first married name, which was part of why going back to my maiden name was such a tough decision. I've only used my maiden name at work for the last two years, and I feel like changing names again NOW would be detrimental to name-recognition at work.

Unfortunately, since I'm in the military, I HAVE to use my legal name professionally. Otherwise I'd just stick with my maiden name at work and legally change to my husband's name. Since that's not an option, I think I'm going to stick with my maiden name for now (I'm overseas and there's too much documentation to change, which is a pain from over here), but will eventually change to either hyphenated or just change my maiden to my middle name, then professionally go by both ("Hillary Rodham Clinton" style) with both on my nametags and ID badges.

My fiance SAYS he doesn't care that I'm not taking his name right away, but deep down I think he does. And I'm pretty sure that his family might feel hurt if I don't (not that matters a lot to me).

I guess my point is, if you're not sure what to do, then just stick with you rmaiden name for now, and you can ALWAYS change it later when you decide what you want to do.

coopsbaby · March 2012

I think I'd wait as well. You can always change it later, but don't do it until you're sure.

I dropped my married name when I divorced, even though we had kids because I wanted no part of that awful name anymore, and I like my maiden name. It's unique.

I wanted to change my last name to FI's though, since it's a nice name and I think it makes things easier when you have kids and stuff. (Just in my personal experience, not saying that's always true.)

But I still like my maiden name. Lucky for me I seriously HATE my middle name, always have, so I'm dropping it and using my maiden as my middle. I was afraid my mother would take it hard, but she knows how I feel about the name, so she was't upset at all. I'm sure they'll still call me by it though. I just won't have to ever sign it or anything.

I'm sure that was of no help, but ou'll know when you are happy with your decision and that's the time to change or not change your name!

3rdtimecharmed · March 2012

My first marriage ended disasterously after 20 years, not by my choice. I remarried for the wrong reasons (to help me stop thinking about the first one), changed my name, and ended up divorced within 2 years.

I decided to go back to my first married name so that I would share the same last name with my daughter again (and not still have the same last name as her step-sister, who is in the same school with her), and since some of the older kids in my own school (I teach first) still called me by that anyway, it was pretty easy.

I wasn't planning on ever marrying again, honestly. But now, another 2 years later, I'm in love for the right reasons to my "match." So over the course of 8 years at my school, I went from "Mrs. A" to "Mrs. B" then back to "Ms. A" and now I'll be "Mrs. C". My daughter loves my new fiance and is a total romantic; she has no problem with my name change. The issue is just my school.

I say, "screw it," who cares what anybody thinks...however, I also work with a pretty laid-back and supportive group of people, so "professionalism" might not be as much as an issue. Everybody can tell I'm happier than I've been in a long, long time...and I respond to "Mrs. A", "Ms. A", "Mrs. B" (and soon-to-be "Mrs. C") without correcting anybody or even batting an eye.

Lisa50 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_name-change-nerves?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:53b84851-dbf2-408c-942e-394b005ab9bdPost:e8808e7c-34c8-45b6-a1af-27078593ef4e">Re: Name change nerves</a>:
[QUOTE] ... and I respond to "Mrs. A", "Ms. A", "Mrs. B" (and soon-to-be "Mrs. C") without correcting anybody or even batting an eye.
Posted by 3rdtimecharmed[/QUOTE]

I love it!

That's how it works for me (sort of), except I never legally changed my name when I married the first time nor this time. My son has 4 names, his 2nd middle name is my last name, his last name is his dad's. It works, and, of course, drives many of his teachers and friends to call me Mrs. Ex'sName. And that is OK.

New hubby's family refers to me as Mrs. HisName. And that's OK. We never told them I was changing my name. A few people around my office asked "What's your new name?" and looked puzzled when I responded there'd be no name change.

DH and I have had some funny name-related encounters, including re-entry into the U.S. from the honeymoon. The Customs officer looked at the form, my passport and hubby's passport. He asked, "Are you in the same family? Are you married?" Yes. Then we started our Abbott and Costello routine ... "What? You didn't change your name?" "Who me? I thought you were changing your name?"

Clearly, we take it in stride. Neither of us want to change our last names and each of us, at times, is referred to by the other's last name. It's all good.

iambellaluna · March 2012

I had a similar situation to you...married at 21, changed name immediately.

Half way through our arduous divorce I was more than ready to go back to my delightful name I'd had my entire life minus 2 almost 3 bad years.

Now I'm getting remarried in July to a wonderful man...this is where I differ from your scenario - I'm really excited to take his name. It's much more fitting than either of my other names and will be very cute (he has a French last name and I have a French first name).

BUT, if you don't want to change your name don't. I don't think it's mandatory anymore, plus it's a real pain in the A*S. This time around will be the last time I change my name. I'm kind of not at all looking forward to sitting in the Social Security Admin's office for a 3rd time to get another new SS card...Oy Vey!

Name change nerves

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