Father in Law is driving me nuts!

emlavecchio · April 2010

So at the begining of planning, we talked to all sets of parents (fiance's are divorced). We asked them what they wanted, how they felt about things, etc. No one cared, they all said it is your wedding, do what you want.

So now, my future father in law is throwing fits about EVERYTHING regarding the rehearsal dinner. Its the only thing he's contributing to. I am having family (who live in MA and France) come down for the wedding. I assumed my grandparents/aunts/uncles would all be coming to the rehearsal dinner as would his side of the family that decided to come up the night before. We get a phone call stating that he has some "concerns" about who I am inviting. He doesn't want them to come! We offer to pay, he says its not about the cost (we're under budget even with the additional people). Its because he thinks only those involved in the rehearsal should go. But he wants peoples dates (some not so significant) to go. What they hell. Why can't my grandma be there!

He's thrown fits about other things to..just small petty things. Its ridiculous. My fiance and I have barely fought in months, and for the past month we've done nothing but fight...but its all about his father.

After a week+ of fighting, we finally got extended family invited. But each new week he has something else. Including our request that his 19 yr old step son (and 17 yr old gf) not drink. We have 2 people in our family that our officers. It just complicates things...especially if they try to drive off. I just don't want to put them in a bad situation. But he's mad about it! Its not like they're of age. They're not suppose to be drinking anyways!

I don't want to start my daughter in law status in the dog house, but I'm about ready to say forget it. I'll either pay for the dinner or we can cancel it just so he will stop this.

Any less drastic ideas??

[Deleted User] · April 2010

Is he paying for the entire thing or just contributing a portion?

BecW2be · April 2010

Amen, Sadie. Underage drinking at all, much less in a public place where a shitton of people will be held responsible? STUPID. In college or not.

526SadieSadie · April 2010

I see, ok I'm with you then, Andy. I can't disagree with that because my poor parents carted my drunken ass home from family gatherings all the time and I'd sound like an uber-hypocrite LoL (never at a public place though, only ever at a cousin's house)
If the teens aren't driving and can control themselves, maybe let them in on a champagne toast, but again, the bartender can lose his or her certification for serving minors. I'd rather have a Father of the Groom yelling at me, making an ass of himself than lose my bartending certificate (if I had one)

"So, sir you're upset that I won't break the law and serve alcohol to minors?"

Come to think of it, a smart bartender would ask for ID and this might be a mute point anyway.

BecW2be · April 2010

In public or private, there's a load of trouble for breaking a very serious law to be had if kids drink. It's illegal, and allowing a kid to drink is no different than allowing them to text and drive or steal. A law is a law. I've had to deal with this first hand, and nothing infuriates me more than people who are all "Yeah, my kid can drink in my house, and so can yours." because those of us who do try to obey the law end up resented by our kids.

I wish the drinking age was 18. It's not. And the effects of drinking on brain development are well-documented for young adults whose brains are not fully developed.

Sorry to go off-topic, but this is a major peeve.

526SadieSadie · April 2010

I would never be the parent that supplied my kid and others with alcohol and I would flip my shite if one of my kids came home drunk from a friends house. Heaven help the stupid parent that faces my wrath!

Illegal is Illegal and like I said before, a smart bartender would assume that a wedding would have underaged guests and will card accordingly.

emlavecchio · April 2010

I get that the person who's paying for it should have say when it comes to how much...but we're under budget! So much so that even with OOT relatives we have more than enough for an open bar. Just in case it was money, we offered to pay for ALL the OOT relatives-his side and mine. But he was like no its not about the money, I didn't want you to invite them. Which is INSANE because he plans family functions any chance he gets! I guess its because its not HIS family...

I think I will ask for the bar to card, just to make sure. Its just a crappy situation.

Even though he's paying for it, its still OUR rehearsal dinner..shouldn't it be how we want within reason and budget??

BecW2be · April 2010

I showed up for my rehearsal dinner. I didn't have a single thing to do with it. I've mentioned this before, but all I did was give a guest list and attend. It was over the top, at FIL's country club, and my FI's picture was plastered all over a table, on a cake, and in a slide show of his entire life. I was mentioned once in the toast, and the rest of the entire evening was all about FI. It was ridiculous. Did I care? Hell no. I had bigger things to think about. All I heard later was how well I handled all that, but I really just DID NOT CARE.

Let him throw his party/dinner, and you concentrate on the really important one the next day.

526SadieSadie · April 2010

Not really. It's a rehearsal dinner, not a welcome dinner (which you are more than free to host yourself for your OOT guests)

My understanding of the purpose of the rehearsal dinner is to thank the members of your wedding party for being there for you and to exchange gifts and some sentimental moments, not for your father in law to foot the bill for all of those other people, it doesn't matter what the budget is. Be grateful that he's contributing ANY money at all, he isn't mandated to, you know.

emlavecchio · April 2010

Oh my goodness! That's horrible! Impressive that you didn't care. I think you might be right. about it not being worth it. It just makes me nervous about how he's going to be in the future...marriage is hard enough with the problems the two of you cause, let alone what a petty 3rd party will do. I kinda want to stand my ground and be like you can't have this your way so he doesn't expect us to roll over to whatever he wants in the future.

betrothed123 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_father-law-driving-nuts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:611c6814-6423-4f28-b1ea-da020fe2b956Post:c7e18199-7db4-463e-801f-713de5e40839">Re: Father in Law is driving me nuts!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I get that the person who's paying for it should have say when it comes to how much..</strong>.but we're under budget! So much so that even with OOT relatives we have more than enough for an open bar. Just in case it was money, we offered to pay for ALL the OOT relatives-his side and mine. But he was like no its not about the money, I didn't want you to invite them. Which is INSANE because he plans family functions any chance he gets! I guess its because its not HIS family... I think I will ask for the bar to card, just to make sure. Its just a crappy situation. Even though he's paying for it, its still OUR rehearsal dinner..shouldn't it be how we want within reason and budget??
Posted by emlavecchio[/QUOTE]

That's not right, though. The person who is paying doens't just get to determine how much they pay, but also what that money is spent on, so he's well within his rights to say "If you're taking my money, you're playing by my rules." If you want to do it a different way you need to pay for it yourself.

Also, other parties he's planned have nothing to do with this. Maybe it's just because he thinks a RD should only be for those who are required to attend the actual rehearsal (that's how I feel as well).

emlavecchio · April 2010

Honestly, I don't really care if he pays for it. We don't need him to pay for it. My fiance wont tell him not to pay because he doesn't want his dad to throw a bigger fit.

We share minimal to no moments with the dates of most of the wedding party. This is the only chance the entire family will be together. His divorced parents hate each other and my side live halfway across the country or mom. Its the family and the close friends we want to be around.

526SadieSadie · April 2010

Em, I don't see why you think he's being overbearing by putting his foot down about something he's paying for...if he was complaining about the color of the tux you picked out, or having to sit next to his ex wife in the church or demanding that you invite his new girlfriend's adult children to the wedding. I don't see this situation as him being unreasonable about anything but the under aged drinking.

(And yes I remember he's remarried and his stepson is one of the underaged persons in question, I was naming things that would be unreasonable for him to demand off the top of my head)

BecW2be · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_father-law-driving-nuts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:611c6814-6423-4f28-b1ea-da020fe2b956Post:2bc377a0-3728-4e2b-9093-a9c4cedb45cd">Re: Father in Law is driving me nuts!</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh my goodness! That's horrible! Impressive that you didn't care. I think you might be right. about it not being worth it. It just makes me nervous about how he's going to be in the future...marriage is hard enough with the problems the two of you cause, let alone what a petty 3rd party will do. I kinda want to stand my ground and be like you can't have this your way so he doesn't expect us to roll over to whatever he wants in the future.
Posted by emlavecchio[/QUOTE]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_father-law-driving-nuts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:611c6814-6423-4f28-b1ea-da020fe2b956Post:2bc377a0-3728-4e2b-9093-a9c4cedb45cd">Re: Father in Law is driving me nuts!</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh my goodness! That's horrible! Impressive that you didn't care. I think you might be right. about it not being worth it. It just makes me nervous about how he's going to be in the future...marriage is hard enough with the problems the two of you cause, let alone what a petty 3rd party will do. I kinda want to stand my ground and be like you can't have this your way so he doesn't expect us to roll over to whatever he wants in the future.
Posted by emlavecchio[/QUOTE]

He'll behave however you allow him to behave in the future. If he's paying for this party, you are being the overbearing one here. Back off, let him do it, and in the future if something does occur that you are in control of and he comments or tries to intrude, remind him that you don't need his input. If he's paying for this party, you don't have ground to stand on. Let it go.

betrothed123 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_father-law-driving-nuts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:611c6814-6423-4f28-b1ea-da020fe2b956Post:ef22bdfa-3c84-4669-8e1b-7141e2640654">Re: Father in Law is driving me nuts!</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I don't really care if he pays for it. We don't need him to pay for it. My fiance wont tell him not to pay because he doesn't want his dad to throw a bigger fit. We share minimal to no moments with the dates of most of the wedding party. This is the only chance the entire family will be together. His divorced parents hate each other and my side live halfway across the country or mom. Its the family and the close friends we want to be around.
Posted by emlavecchio[/QUOTE]

And you've invited them to your wedding. That will be your chance to spend time with them. In fact, you could get together with all of them the day after your wedding if you wanted to. You cannot force him to invite people he does not want to invite to the RD.

If your family wants to get together, they need to throw themselves a party and pay for it themselves, not expect your FIL to foot the bill just because you want everyone to get together.

526SadieSadie · April 2010

I'm with BecW, it's not all that important, choose your battles and take your family out to dinner on your own.
If I were an OOT guest to a wedding, I wouldn't expect to be invited to the rehearsal dinner, and probably would feel like I was intruding on something and wouldn't go if I were invited.....

BecW2be · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_father-law-driving-nuts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:611c6814-6423-4f28-b1ea-da020fe2b956Post:ef22bdfa-3c84-4669-8e1b-7141e2640654">Re: Father in Law is driving me nuts!</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I don't really care if he pays for it. We don't need him to pay for it. My fiance wont tell him not to pay because he doesn't want his dad to throw a bigger fit. We share minimal to no moments with the dates of most of the wedding party. This is the only chance the entire family will be together. His divorced parents hate each other and my side live halfway across the country or mom. Its the family and the close friends we want to be around.
Posted by emlavecchio[/QUOTE]

Wait, are you saying you want to drop the dates of your wedding party? That's incredibly rude. The rehearsal dinner is to thank your members of your wedding party, not to have a family reunion. Pick another dinner for that.

emlavecchio · April 2010

We tried to pay for it, he says no. Aside from paying for it from under his nose...

The family is staying a few extra days after the wedding. But we'll be in St. Lucia. And yes I will spend time with them at the wedding, but there's over 200 other people I need to talk with. I'm even making 3 trips to the airport to squeeze in some more time.

Of course I don't want/wont drop the dates of the wedding party.

betrothed123 · April 2010

If you can't fit in another time to see the entire family during the weekend, you're going to have to find another time to do it. Forcing your FIL to pay for all of them is not going to cut it, so you need to drop this and get over it.

526SadieSadie · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_father-law-driving-nuts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:611c6814-6423-4f28-b1ea-da020fe2b956Post:eec35072-dced-4ed2-a470-b7fcb5b1b47b">Re: Father in Law is driving me nuts!</a>:
[QUOTE]If you can't fit in another time to see the entire family during the weekend, you're going to have to find another time to do it. Forcing your FIL to pay for all of them is not going to cut it, so you need to drop this and get over it.
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

Yep. Agreed. I will also add that if I were a member of a wedding party, I'd be a little turned off to find that the rehearsal dinner was turned into the bride's family reunion, especially if I was a groomsman who had no prior contact with the bride's family. Talk about being the awkward turtle. It's not like you want family members from both sides there, you want a big dinner with your family all being together...isn't that what will happen at the reception the very next day??

RandiLakin · April 2010

So does his sister or her family have a part at all in this wedding? maybe decorating, guestbook, musician or anthing? if so i see why they are invited. My RD is just WP and their dates and my parents his parents and our sibs.
You did come under budget, and your FIL was probably thrilled! But when someone makes a budget-you shouldn't make it a goal to actually reach it!! I feel like your saying that if you were already at budget this would never have been brought up in first place. So, i find this tantrum a bit rude. Spend time with the family after RD. Besides if you invite extended family then won't FIs extended family feel left out. FIL probably feels that if you invite all them then they should invite all theirs and that would most likely def. put him over budget.

christy29322 · April 2010

This is why we're paying for everything ourselves...my motto is "stop the drama before it starts!"

erollis · April 2010

Barbaeg has the right idea. Throw a welcome dinner or luncheon yourself. it could be much less formal and you could invite whoever you want with hopefully little drama from FFIL. You could even have the rehersal dinner another day or later in the day for just the WP after the rehersal.

"the drinking age is 21 and that's the end of it. " Actually you are legally able to drink when under age as long as a parent or legal guardian is with you the entire time. But that person is also responsible for what happens after the minor drinks. I do not condone underage drinking but since he has the money it is his decision. The girlfriend on the other hand would not be able to drink even if he wanted her to.

Father in Law is driving me nuts!

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