Help with More than flaky bridesmaid

krisztina33 · September 2011

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SKronick0823 · September 2011

That's awful! That's a little more than pregnancy hormones. I'd talk to her and just say hey it seems like you have a lot on your plate and if you feel obligated to be in the wedding party, you'd understand if she doesn't feel up to it. Honestly she doesn't seem that enthusiastic about being in your bridal party in the first place and might even be regretting it but not wanting to hurt your feelings. Just ask her how she feels about being apart of the wedding and give her the option of bowing out and tell her it really would be okay. If she does want to still be apart of the wedding, make sure she knows you're worried about the day and her involvement. That way she knows how important it is to you and that you want reassurance that she's going to be there for you on your big day. Good luck!

blush64 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_flaky-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:215f4db8-8eb7-4495-9b5e-ec25d63b9368Post:9451d199-1d28-4089-ac6e-ec3cdd2744b7">Help with More than flaky bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]So my best friend of more than a decade is my bridesmaid--my only other attendants are my sisters. She told me shortly after I was engaged that she was expecting (she is due in a few weeks). So needless to say her plate has been full and I have not expected a whole lot of the traditional help from my bridal party which is fine. My mom and I have made a phenomenal team :). However, there have been a few things that have made me really wish that I had kept my bridal party just my sisters. To make a long story short<strong>, she has threatened to back out of the wedding at one point</strong>--when I finally confronted her (after a week of silence), she glossed over it like it was no big deal, didn't apologize and just kind of blamed the whole thing on hormones. This past weekend was my wedding shower. She didn't show.<strong> I got a text at 9pm that evening saying she had forgotten but would make it up to me</strong>. I understand maybe she didn't feel well with the baby only weeks away, but I was hurt that she didn't tell me prior, and that she then didn't have the courtesy to call me at least.<strong> I paid for her dress--she never offered or asked how much it was</strong>. I knew I would be covering at least some as she is an expectant mom and it was an expensive dress, but I would have liked her to have at least asked.<strong> Anyways, I am afraid that she will flake at the last minute and am really tempted to ask a friend of mine who I know is dependable, committed, and excited for me to take her place. </strong> Every post I read states that you can never un-ask a bridesmaid--that it is a friendship ender. <strong>But I feel like her actions sort of state that this isn't really important to her and maybe our friendship is not that I thought it was... Advice please!!!
</strong>Posted by krisztina33[/QUOTE]

IT's not fair to threaten to back out, either do it or don't.

If she actually forgot she couldn't call and tell you ahead of time because she forgot.

Had you discussed who would be paying or asked her how much she would be willing to pay. I would assume I would pay for my own bridesmaid dress but some people might not. This one isn't so clear.

Do NOT replace her. IT is a friendship ending move. What you mentioned doesn't scream END the friendship to me. She hasn't done anything to end the friendship. SHe is having a baby in a short while and I think it would be natural for her to be thinking more about that than your wedding. (Just as you are clearly thinking more about your wedding than her pregnancy) And it won't go away when she has a newborn.

If someone suggested that I might be happier not in the wedding party I would assume it was them who would be happier with me not in the wedding party. I wouldn't ask her about that.

Your friendship might mean a lot to her but this is a huge thing she is going through right now. HUGE.

EDITED to add, Retreadbride, I think you mean the advice above mine because I am telling her the same thing as you in a different way.

joyfulhappy1 · September 2011

can't you just take her to lunch and talk about all of this openly before making any rash decisions

tseguin · September 2011

That's a really tuff situation. One of my bm's is a bit of a flake, but not nearly to that extent. when is she due? When is your wedding? She will probably change after the baby arrives. Just prepare yourself in the event that she does cancel. Worse comes to worse, it's just your sisters and that will be fine.

krisztina33 · September 2011

Thanks for the advice, ladies! I'm going to try and make plans to get together and talk things out. She is due in 3 weeks (same due date as my sister so this Fall is just full of exciting things happening) and I completely respect the fact that she has a lot on her plate. I guess I just want to know that she is still on board. I don't want to replace her because I know that IS a friendship ending move. I think we just need to clear the air and make sure we are both on the same page about what we need from each other.

(oh and when I said she should have called me about missing my shower, I didn't mean call before, just that I would have appreciated her calling me rather than texting me to tell me she forgot)

My wedding is in 60 days so hopefully the two of us can work something out to where she doesn't feel pressured as a new mommy and I don't feel let down either. It's a sticky situation...keep the feedback coming though!

DeeDee00 · September 2011

My moh is pregnant. And expecting a month befre the wedding! She had become very distant and not involving me in things as she had always done before. I felt the way you do!!! I sat down and had an open conversation with her. She felt as if I wanted and expected more from her than she could give me. When in reality all I wanted was her support and friendship. And I don't mean support for my wedding. Support for my life. As a good friend should give u. She had also had complications and felt stressed and had backed away for the health of the baby. Honestly if this girl is as good of a friend as she should be. You just need to have a talk with her and find out what's going on. Not only with her! But she might Be thinking you want more than what she's giving you!!! Also I know it is very hurtful that she didn't show at your shower but she could have honestly forgotten! It happens. Try to talk to her and see what's going on!!

artbyallie · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_flaky-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:215f4db8-8eb7-4495-9b5e-ec25d63b9368Post:6da8740c-8013-4b83-849b-1a5eb98f29ee">Re: Help with More than flaky bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]My moh is pregnant. And expecting a month befre the wedding! She had become very distant and not involving me in things as she had always done before. I felt the way you do!!! I sat down and had an open conversation with her. She felt as if I wanted and expected more from her than she could give me. When in reality all I wanted was her support and friendship. <strong>And I don't mean support for my wedding. Support for my life. As a good friend should give u.</strong> She had also had complications and felt stressed and had backed away for the health of the baby. Honestly if this girl is as good of a friend as she should be. You just need to have a talk with her and find out what's going on. Not only with her! But she might Be thinking you want more than what she's giving you!!! Also I know it is very hurtful that she didn't show at your shower but she could have honestly forgotten! It happens. Try to talk to her and see what's going on!!
Posted by DeeDee00[/QUOTE]

<div>Then why didn't you support her in having a baby? Quite frankly, that's a bigger life event than a wedding. What kind of 'support' did you want? All a bridesmaid is required to do is show up in the right dress and smile for pictures. Anything else is a bonus and should be appreciated as such.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, your friend has the dress, right? Great. Half her job is done, and you're a great friend for buying the dress. Now she just has to wear it in the wedding and ta-da! She's done her job as a bridesmaid.</div>

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