Venting...

tiabuns · December 2010

So my fiance and i recently got engaged while we were vacationing in europe for 3 weeks. We have been together for 3 1/2 years. It wasnt all that exciting-infact there was no ring and no "on one knee moment." Since we have been home i still dont have a ring. He wont go shopping for one and he says he doesnt want to talk about wedding plans until Jan 1. (We just told our parents on xmas even though we have been engaged for 3 weeks-we thought it would be a good presant.) This in turn means that i am brainstorming all these ideas and he wont talk about them. I am stressing about finding a venue since our guest list might be large...i dont even know how many people he might have on his list from college, family i may not know...etc.
Imagine the most romantic person in the world and he is the complete oposite. I love him with all my heart and wouldnt imagine being with anyone else. Dont get me wrong that he is excited to get married but its hard to me to live in the "newly engaged glow" when i have no clue what he would like on his big day too. He makes little comments here and there but wont have a full discussion. Now granted he did say that he wouldnt have a clue on what ring to get me so i can pick out my own...which is nice but i went and bought a cheap fake ring to take place of the ring i dont even have yet. I feel like a dork explaing to people that i have a cheapy ring that is turing my finger green. When we got home from our vacation i showed him some rings in the local paper that were on sale and all he could say was "that's expensive!" I was like-yes they are were you expecting a 200 buck ring for the rest of my life?
And i guess i really could care less about the ring....i know that diamonds dont mean someone loves you....i just wish he was more excited about it than he is right now....sigh.

christinelyn0131 · December 2010

That does seem stressful! But maybe he's planning a big NYE surprise? (Hey a girl can hope, and if that's the case I want details!)

Forget about the ring. It's his decision. And for the record, this is my ring. http://www.gordonsjewelers.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3450970&cp=3169446&kpc=1 It's beautiful and I get way too many comments on it. Just saying

(Actually, I think mine's different, but it was the same idea/price range)

On January 1st, I would start approaching the subject with him. Ask him about dates, guest lists, etc. The first thing to do is pick a date, then a budget, then a guest list.

If he's really not into it, you CAN do most of the planning yourself.

Be careful not to come off as too whiney though. Some other posters might not think you're frustrated, but instead you're whiney. I don't think you are, but y'never know! Don't worry. Everything will work out

vicki0508 · December 2010

Why is he so reluctant to talk about the wedding until January 1? That seems a little arbitrary to me. Were you pressuring him to get engaged? Because he doesn't exactly seem thrilled at the idea. I think you two need to have some general discussions about what each of you envision for the wedding - big or small, destination or local, season, year, etc.

Remember to talk about other things, too. It shouldn't be all wedding all the time.

Lastly, I think it's weird to wear a fake ring until you get a "real" one. FI doesn't seem ready to purchase one though, which the two of you should probably also discuss. What's his hesitation? Is it solely financial? I guess this is where I get the feeling you talked FI into getting engaged - he hasn't done any ring research and doesn't want to talk about the wedding.

You can be engaged without a ring, you don't need to wear one that's turning your finger colors. If someone asks about the ring, just say you haven't picked one out yet.

ETA: I just read your other post, and you sure are making a lot of plans - invitations, stamps, RSVP cards - for having a FI who refuses to even talk about the wedding with you. I would suggest that you stop with the planning until you have a discussion with him.

There's a big difference between not being enthused about wedding planning and not wanting to plan a wedding.

tiabuns · December 2010

I guess i left some parts out...
He wanted to get rings and get married on our 3 week vacation. This is why there was no on the knee moment-he basically sprung the idea on me while we were eating. We have talked alot about marrige before-but no pressure. I am extremly close with my family and explained to him (after much thought) that it is important to have my family there. Espcially since my grandfather just passed away and i only have my grandma left. He isnt close with his family at all. He maybe talks with his parents 2 times a month. There is not rift in the family...its just they way they are. Case in point it took three years for his parents to finally hug me when we got together for dinners.
My FI hates weddings with a passion. He hates going to them so i imagine planning one is even worse to imagine. But thats whats frusterating...i want to talk about planning a non-traditional wedding. I dont care about tuxes and cakes. I just want to share the day with the ones we love instead of having a stranger marry us on a cruise ship where we had no friends.
Jan 1st is just around the corner and i can wait to talk wedding its just annoying to not have someone to talk to about it. All my close friends have moved off to different states and arent always readily avaliable.
I can wait....i was just venting...hence the title. Thats what this website is for-its another venue to use for wedding guidance. So if iseem whiney to some.....then thats fine. I know my purpose.

ashley1721 · December 2010

your FI sounds just like mine, He never wants to talk anything wedding related, but then there has been a few things i have decided on and he was like "what" lol, I finally said "look either you talk to me and tell me what you want also then I will include those things, or you dont say anything and just show up when I tell you too." then he told me things he liked and didnt like, thats about all I got from him, so the rest he will have to deal with.

waltzingmatilda13 · December 2010

You seriously can't wait 3 days to start discussing the wedding planning? F'real, that's only Saturday, today is Wednesday. My DH didn't want to talk about planning until a few weeks after we got engaged as well, which is really a great idea. You only get to bask in the glow of being engaged for a very limited amount of time before you start getting stressed about all the planning. Just enjoy this moment while it lasts. You'll have plenty of time to plan and plenty of time for your FI to get excited about it.

About the ring. Do you even know if he can afford one? Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it because he can't afford what he would like to buy for you and judging by his reaction about the costs of rings that you found, I would say this is probably the case. In my opinion I would not bring it up again. Not having a ring doesn't make you any less engaged. Let him bring it up and let him set the budget before you go looking.

Overall I would just relax. If you push your FI he is probably going to clam up. And if what vicki posted in her ETA is true, you really should stop planning things without your FI. He may still want to be involved in those decisions and it's really not fair to cut him out it until you know for sure.

mkrupar · December 2010

Are you sure your FI even wants to get married. He doesn't even seem all that committed to being engaged. Now, I was engaged without a ring, so I'll never say you have to have a ring to be engaged, but it seems silly to go out and buy a fake ring and then have to explain to people, "Oh no this isn't my real ring, I just bought this because I'm engaged, but feel the only way to be engaged is to have a ring."

You two need to sit down and lay out on the table what your expectations are for your wedding. If he doesn't want anything big maybe you compromise and have a smaller 20 or 30 person wedding. You mention a large guest list, but is that what your FI wants?

Have you thought about a budget? This should be set before you plan anything. That will determine all decisions in the wedding planning process. It sounds like you're really excited and want to plan plan plan, but your FI doesn't quite yet. I would try to ease him into wedding planning. Don't spring all these plans and ideas on him on January 2nd since it's the day after his random arbitrary deadline for wedding planning.

Summer2011Bride · December 2010

Have you asked him why the hesitation and why he doesn't want to talk until Jan 1? He may just be overwhelmed by getting engaged and the finances and all that goes into planning and just wanted a couple weeks to process. If you weren't pressuring him into an engagement--and it sounds like he was ready to tie the knot right then and there--it might be the whole wedding industry and planning a huge party that has him down. It also sounds like finances might be standing in his way of getting a ring and he feels bad or insufficient about that, so I'd probably give that a rest for awhile. You don't NEED a ring to be engaged. By you wearing a "fake ring" it might be making him feel more pressured and bad about it, so I'd probably think twice about wearing it.

Just TALK to him and find out what's going on.

vegasgroom · December 2010

No formal asking for your hand in marriage, thinks even cheap rings are expensive, doesnt want to talk about the wedding or marriage, 'hates' weddings and he has no problem with you wearing a fake ring you bought yourself just to show that you're engaged.... I think I'd wait until he comes around before putting in further effort on planning or telling any more people you're engaged...

Just my opinion as a guy.

redheadfsu · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_venting-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:54caf1c2-82ee-435d-a0c4-c407ae0ef186Post:862e6537-dd44-4328-bf93-23cdb672c914">Re: Venting...</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess i left some parts out... <strong>He wanted to get rings and get married on our 3 week vacation. This is why there was no on the knee moment-he basically sprung the idea on me while we were eating.</strong>We have talked alot about marrige before-but no pressure. I am extremly close with my family and explained to him (after much thought) that it is important to have my family there. Espcially since my grandfather just passed away and i only have my grandma left. He isnt close with his family at all. He maybe talks with his parents 2 times a month. There is not rift in the family...its just they way they are. Case in point it took three years for his parents to finally hug me when we got together for dinners. My FI hates weddings with a passion. He hates going to them so i imagine planning one is even worse to imagine. But thats whats frusterating...i want to talk about planning a non-traditional wedding. I dont care about tuxes and cakes. I just want to share the day with the ones we love instead of having a stranger marry us on a cruise ship where we had no friends. Jan 1st is just around the corner and i can wait to talk wedding its just annoying to not have someone to talk to about it. All my close friends have moved off to different states and arent always readily avaliable. I can wait....i was just venting...hence the title. Thats what this website is for-its another venue to use for wedding guidance. So if iseem whiney to some.....then thats fine. I know my purpose.
Posted by tiabuns[/QUOTE]

1. I doubt you could have gotten married on your vacation. Usually DWs take some planning. Countries usually require you to be there for a few days/months before they let you get married. (residency requirements). Plus many require things like blood tests or documents people don't normally have on vacation.

2. Sounds like he spontaneously asked you, but may now regret it.

So... slow down. Stop planning. A wedding takes two people, so don't plan until he is willing to help.

MyNameIsNot · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_venting-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:54caf1c2-82ee-435d-a0c4-c407ae0ef186Post:889fe05c-90b9-4b2b-b0cc-d31f1e9be4ad">Re: Venting...</a>:
[QUOTE]No formal asking for your hand in marriage, thinks even cheap rings are expensive, doesnt want to talk about the wedding or marriage, 'hates' weddings and he has no problem with you wearing a fake ring you bought yourself just to show that you're engaged.... I think I'd wait until he comes around before putting in further effort on planning or telling any more people you're engaged... .
Posted by vegasgroom[/QUOTE]

<div>This. It sounds like he thought it was a good idea over that one dinner, but now he's not so thrilled about the idea of getting married anymore.</div><div>
</div><div>I'd wait until January 1, log off the wedding website, stop looking at rings, invitations, and all of that, and just think about something else. Then after Jan 1, talk to him about setting a date and what kind of wedding HE would like to have. If he's still reluctant, it's time to reconsider whether or not he is serious about getting married. </div>

kellya01 · December 2010

If you are shopping for lower-cost e-rings, there area a few discount websites you might start looking at. My FI and I were SHOCKED at the prices of diamond e-rings and he ended up finding the perfect ring for the perfect price at a discount jewelry store. You can also sign up for emails from various websites and the special discounts can be amazing. Here are some suggestions to help you find a ring that might be suitable to his price point, and your taste. (Oh, and I'm sorry your FI isn't enthused about wedding planning, sometimes they need time to let it sink in, my FI needed about a month before we started to do much planning.)

http://eweddingbands.com/

www.zales.com

www.gordons.com

www.overstock.com

You can also look for jewelry "outlet" stores at your local outlet malls. We have a Kay Jeweler's Outlet at Tanger Outlets near me, and I was able to find FI's wedding band there for 60% of what the Kay Jeweler's (regular stores) were selling it.

And to echo PP's... let your FI come around. He needs time to adjust to this state of being engaged. It seems weird that he didn't have the "down on one knee" moment, but maybe that's just his style. He does realize that he's engaged, right?

Good luck!!!

WendyCB · December 2010

Maybe he just needs some time to process. I just got engaged over the holiday and my fiance doesn't want to talk about planning either. His reason...he just asked me and that's a pretty big thing and he just needs a little time. I understand that, he's 30, first marriage, and this is the guy who never wanted to get married and no one ever thought would get married!

I agree with the other posters that you should enjoy being engaged and not stress out. A ring doesn't make you engaged or married, what's truly important is your future together. FYI many jewelry stores offer trade in programs. You can upgrade your ring later down the road (personally, I don't like that idea what whatever, I want the same ring forever).

soontobeschooley · December 2010

I don't think this is a money problem if they can afford to have a 3 week vacation in Europe.

When I was first engaged, we didn't make a single plan for the first month because we just wanted to enjoy that time together engaged and not planning. My FI isn't romantic in the least but was willing to talk with me and share his ideas and what he wants at our wedding.

I agree with Vicki and say maybe he felt pressured or it was a spontaneous thing that he didn't think through.

loves2shop4shoes · December 2010

I really don't like the sound of this. Frankly, it'd be a cold day in hell before I let my FI dictate to me when we could have a CONVERSATION about our wedding AFTER he proposed.

Also, calm the eff down with the planning until he gives you a reason to believe that he actually WANTS to marry you and is WORTH marrying.

kelmal · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_venting-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:54caf1c2-82ee-435d-a0c4-c407ae0ef186Post:caea85d7-a48b-449b-a5c5-6488cfdc187b">Venting...</a>:
[QUOTE]i went and bought a cheap fake ring to take place of the ring i dont even have yet. I feel like a dork explaing to people that i have a cheapy ring that is turing my finger green. When we got home from our vacation i showed him some rings in the local paper that were on sale and all he could say was "that's expensive!" I was like-yes they are were you expecting a 200 buck ring for the rest of my life? And i guess i really could care less about the ring.
Posted by tiabuns[/QUOTE]

You seem a bit contradictory here. You buy a fake ring, expect an expensive ring, but then you say the diamond isn't important? Color me confused.

The ring has NOTHING to do with the commitment you are making to each other. Do I love my ring? Hell Yes. Did I need it? Hell no.

How expensive were these rings?? Mine was under $1,000 and it's bloody perfect. Hell, it could have been the less than "$200 buck ring" my fiance bought me 3 years ago for Valentine's...I still would have said yes and counted myself lucky to have the love of such a wonderful man.

Figure out what you want and get your priorities straight. What's more important: The glitz and glamour of being engaged...or the man you are engaged to.

DanielleZZ · December 2010

My FI acted the same way for about 2 months after he asked me. We told people right away but then he didnt even want to talk about planing anything. I started to get worried that he regretted asking me (It was spontaneous and he didn't have a ring either) but he kept telling me everything was fine. I wasn't to worried about the ring cause (long story) I already had one from when we were 15. After about 2 months I set up a meeting with a venue just to feel things out and he complained about going...well once we got there and he saw the space he changed completely he was constantly asking the person questions and telling me to write things down(it was really strange). All the way home he wanted to talk wedding and it has been fine ever since. Later on he told me that he was just in shock and seeing the venue where we were having our reception brought him down to earth and made him realize that this was all really happening. Good Luck : )

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