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Wedding Party
emilyinchile
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NWPR: Surprising/upsetting RSVP (long)
FI has a cousin who's in her 40s. She has a 22 year old son from a previous relationship who lives with her, her husband and their 10 year old son. We sent one invitation to cousin + husband (M) and one to 22 year old + date, even though they live at the same house, just because the son is an adult. Maybe etiquette-wise that was wrong, but it was innocent. We did not invite the 10 year old because we didn't invite any kids.
FI called to follow up on their RSVP yesterday, but M was at work and made it clear he wanted to discuss something. We figured they had some other conflict and would have to decline. If only!
M talked to FI for 45 MINUTES today, telling him that we were totally out of line to send two separate invitations as if they weren't all one family and for not inviting the 10yo. When FI explained that I did the invitations and things are different in the US, M flipped out screaming "who cares, we're in CHILE!" Ok, but I am still from the US, and our wedding is a joining of our cultures, asshole. The parents have issues with the 22yo in general, especially his GF, and were pissed that we "invited her" even though we invited all the young cousins with "guest" and never directly invited her. It's not my fault you hate your son/step-son and his GF.
FI explained that the invitations were not meant as some subliminal message of taking the son's side in that whole debate (doesn't make sense to me either, but this is what M was saying) and that we were not inviting any kids because that's just not the vibe of our wedding. He also explained that if we invited their kid, we'd have to invite others.
I get that parents might choose not to come if their child can't come, but it's one thing to decline and another to scream at us that we are rude and that "if your wedding's not appropriate for kids then I don't think it's the kind of thing we want to go to." M also brought up a whoooole bunch of totally unrelated things about how FI thinks he's better than everyone, and he doesn't care about the family, and just really horrible, untrue, hurtful things.
If it weren't family, we would have told them to f*ck off. But FI feels like standing our ground would have caused a huge rift in his mom's side of the family (and he's right), and he didn't want our wedding to be the cause of that. So we are now inviting at least 4 and possibly 6 kids 10 and under, which is a bummer because I never wanted kids at my wedding, and these people feel like they've won. I cannot fully explain without going into detail just how crazy their arguments were...no logic at all, and just totally out of left field rage from people that we usually get along with and like!
So FI is sad because things will never be the same with these people, and he feels like what if other people think he's as awful as the things they said, and I'm sad because he's sad and because we now have brats at our wedding. Oh, and to top it all off, when we called back to say "we've discussed it, and family's important to us, so since we never meant any harm we hope you will ALL come, including the 10yo," they told us they'd think about it and get back to us. Screw you.
FI called to follow up on their RSVP yesterday, but M was at work and made it clear he wanted to discuss something. We figured they had some other conflict and would have to decline. If only!
M talked to FI for 45 MINUTES today, telling him that we were totally out of line to send two separate invitations as if they weren't all one family and for not inviting the 10yo. When FI explained that I did the invitations and things are different in the US, M flipped out screaming "who cares, we're in CHILE!" Ok, but I am still from the US, and our wedding is a joining of our cultures, asshole. The parents have issues with the 22yo in general, especially his GF, and were pissed that we "invited her" even though we invited all the young cousins with "guest" and never directly invited her. It's not my fault you hate your son/step-son and his GF.
FI explained that the invitations were not meant as some subliminal message of taking the son's side in that whole debate (doesn't make sense to me either, but this is what M was saying) and that we were not inviting any kids because that's just not the vibe of our wedding. He also explained that if we invited their kid, we'd have to invite others.
I get that parents might choose not to come if their child can't come, but it's one thing to decline and another to scream at us that we are rude and that "if your wedding's not appropriate for kids then I don't think it's the kind of thing we want to go to." M also brought up a whoooole bunch of totally unrelated things about how FI thinks he's better than everyone, and he doesn't care about the family, and just really horrible, untrue, hurtful things.
If it weren't family, we would have told them to f*ck off. But FI feels like standing our ground would have caused a huge rift in his mom's side of the family (and he's right), and he didn't want our wedding to be the cause of that. So we are now inviting at least 4 and possibly 6 kids 10 and under, which is a bummer because I never wanted kids at my wedding, and these people feel like they've won. I cannot fully explain without going into detail just how crazy their arguments were...no logic at all, and just totally out of left field rage from people that we usually get along with and like!
So FI is sad because things will never be the same with these people, and he feels like what if other people think he's as awful as the things they said, and I'm sad because he's sad and because we now have brats at our wedding. Oh, and to top it all off, when we called back to say "we've discussed it, and family's important to us, so since we never meant any harm we hope you will ALL come, including the 10yo," they told us they'd think about it and get back to us. Screw you.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: NWPR: Surprising/upsetting RSVP (long)
Thats a rough situation.
"I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.
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We've definitely dealt with blending cultures as well despite not being raised in those cultures, mostly in terms of guest list. They weren't family who were close to us personally though so we decided that we didn't have to abide by the "invite everyone who may or may not be related by blood" rules. Hopefully this will not come back to bite us.
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And FI's step-uncle sounds like a huge jerk.
That said, if he has a good relationship with these people, he can take his cue how to deal with them from his parents. Frankly, if anyone in my family called me to chew me out like that, I'd be on the phone to my mom saying, 'Who does he think he is?' but every one is different and you need to come up with a solution that fits the bigger picture.
Just know that EVERY ONE goes through something like this.
It'll be fine, hopefully soon I will stop having visions of children running across the dance floor screaming and pouring red wine on my dress during our first dance
But clearly the bigger issue is not the kids, it's just that these people were SO out of line. I would never call you and tell you that your invitation to go to your house and eat pizza wasn't good enough and that you should have invited me to eat salmon and offered to pick me up in a limo...why is it that with weddings some people think it's ok to criticize what you're offering? It's yes or no, not "well I want a guest" or "re-write my invitation and invite my kid."
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What do FILs think about them??
They're completely out of line. I would personally stand your ground on this one, unless you see this turning into "None of my ILs will speak to me or FI ever again if we don't invite this kid" ... idk, that's just me. But in my family, that would have worked ... not the case in everybody else's.
Anyway, I'm really sorry that you had to deal with this, and again, they really were in the wrong here, so at least you can have the sastisfaction of knowing you and FI are being the bigger people in this scenario.
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The problem is that we really think that if we'd said "well we're sorry, but we haven't done anything wrong, and if you're going to be 5 then fine, don't come," the cousin would have gone to her dad (FMIL's brother), he would have taken her side and told FMIL to get FI under control, FMIL would have taken our side...just a huge family blowout. Not worth it.
We didn't even til FILs the extent of everything because FI thinks it would upset his mom to know that these people acted like this. Banana, FILs like them, as did we until yesterday, and they've always been good people to all of us. I have no idea where this crazy came from. Unless they bring it up at a family event (which honestly, they well might, at which point I refuse to sit there silently), we're just letting it go in the interest of family peace. Being the bigger person sucks.
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This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.
Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
"I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.
A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
This has also messed up our seating arrangement, which was done, so I'm very tempted to put this couple at a new table with all the kids, since they apparently like them so much. I won't, of course, but it would be fun.
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[QUOTE]The problem with being the bigger person is that I want to go tell everyone "look, they were mean, but we're doing the right thing" and get credit for it...but that kind of undermines the whole bigger person part. This has also messed up our seating arrangement, which was done, so I'm very tempted to put this couple at a new table with all the kids, since they apparently like them so much. I won't, of course, but it would be fun.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]
I think that would be a perfect idea. I'd love to see it!
I don't really have advice, but I'm sympathizing with/for you. Sorry you're going through this.
And hey, why NOT put the couple with their kids?
Ha, definately put them at the kids' table with their 10 yr old and the rest of them...that would be awesome.