What would you do?

Epiphany1031 · February 2012

My sister is my MOH and I also have 3 BMs. They are currently in the process of planning me a dinner as a kind of alternative to a bridal shower. A little more intimate, no gifts, just a nice night out to "honor the bride" and when the idea was brought up to me I LOVED it and was happily surprised. My BM's live far (NJ, FL, and in CA) so with the distance, I was totally not expecting a bachelorette party, bridal shower, or anything. I'm just happy that they are able to make it to San Diego for my wedding day.

I just received a call from my sister because now there are problems with the planning. She wants the dinner to be low key, nothing like a bridal shower (again more like just a nice dinner) whereas my BM's want to make it a little more "bridal showery". She said she is getting emails from my BM's and said that it seems like everyone has a different idea of how the dinner should be. As a result, everyone is getting a little annoyed at each other, thinking that each wants it "her way".

My sister asked me to clear things up by sending an email detailing exactly what I want, detailing no gifts, and no games (like those bridal shower games), where we should go, etc. (even as far as who is invited - which I feel weird doing since there's $ to be taken into consideration. My sister said don't worry about the money but I HAVE to.. my mom has been calling me telling me to not let my sister do too much because of the $).
I feel odd sending the email and to be honest I'm not certain about the etiquette. I was under the assumption that any parties outside of the wedding itself are thrown by the bride and/therefore it would be selfish of the bride to tell the others what she wants. I told my sister I'm unsure about sending the email but she said it will help stop the arguing and will make it easier for everyone.

What do you think I should do? Would you just send the email? Part of me wants to just tell them to cancel the whole thing (I wouldn't be heart broken.. as a matter of fact if it stopped the stress I'm ALLL for cancelling it. The last thing I want is anyone arguing).

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

It's perfectly okay to suggest a guest list if the BMs ask for it for an event like this. Ditto on the other stuff. Yes, it's inappropriate to plan your own pre-wedding parties, but if your input is requested by the hosts, it's fine to give it. Also, ask your sister to give you a ballpark number for the guest list - you don't have to make it about money, it's just about logistics. A party for 15 women is going to be very, very different than one for 50, even if you spend the same amount on each, KWIM?

If you don't want to step on toes too much, you could suggest broad categories instead of specific places (i.e. - "Well, I'd like to keep it to these 15 people, and I think it would be cool if we could meet up at an Italian restaurant, since Italian is my favorite. Also, I'd really prefer no gifts and no shower games.") I don't think that would be overstepping.

Epiphany1031 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_what-would-you-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:bc614d82-0c0b-433d-a7f7-c743922984adPost:93ca3032-515f-4705-b84b-c42021786eb8">Re: What would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's perfectly okay to suggest a guest list if the BMs ask for it for an event like this. Ditto on the other stuff. Yes, it's inappropriate to plan your own pre-wedding parties, but if your input is requested by the hosts, it's fine to give it. Also, ask your sister to give you a ballpark number for the guest list - you don't have to make it about money, it's just about logistics. A party for 15 women is going to be very, very different than one for 50, even if you spend the same amount on each, KWIM? If you don't want to step on toes too much, you could suggest broad categories instead of specific places (i.e. - "Well, I'd like to keep it to these 15 people, and I think it would be cool if we could meet up at an Italian restaurant, since Italian is my favorite. Also, I'd really prefer no gifts and no shower games.") I don't think that would be overstepping.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much! I feel a little better already. I just wasn't sure what was okay or not.. really appreciate your advice. :)

em01092 · February 2012

I agree with PP. Your MOH is trying to plan what you want, so she thinks it will help if you tell the others this is in fact what you want and not MOH assuming.

Just say something like, "Hey ladies, thank you for wanting to throw this party/get together/whatever for me, because that's really awesome and y'all rock. I just wanted to clear up any confusion and let you know [insert what Steph said here]."

I think it's important to throw in the first part, because if you just say, "This is what I want: bam" it kind of comes off as like you expect it or something, KWIM? If you acknowlegde that someone asked for your input, I think that might help.

scorpgirl1120 · February 2012

I think giving a guest list to your sister or friends is a great idea. I gave my MOH my password to this website and created a bridal shower list and bachelorette party list. If I were you I'd want to stay out of it. I told my mom and bridesmaids that I don't want to know anything about the other stuff....less stress for me. But, if your sister wants it this way, then why don't you have a small dinner with your bridal party and then speak to your bridesmaids about what your sister wants and, if you're comfortable with it, tell them if they want to have a bridal showery deal with your friends who are closer to home then you'd be happy to help set that up. If the issue is just gifts then tell your bridesmiads that you appreciate any presents you will receive but ask if you could do it at another time so the other girls don't feel obligated to buy you something.

Good luck!

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