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Feeling Like I'm Not Allowed....

JenniferC2010JenniferC2010
100 Comments
in Second Weddings
This is my 2nd walk down the aisle. The first time I was young and did the Las Vegas elopement thing and regretted it 4 years later.

Now I'm with a man that not only treats me right, but has the thumbs up from all of my friends and family.

But inside I'm feeling like I'm not allowed the wedding I could have had the first time around. I keep saying I'm doing it because it is FI's first wedding and he has desires for his day as well. I'd LOVE to have the wedding I'm planning so why I feel this way is beyond me.

I keep looking at fancy dresses and tellng myself that I really don't deserve a dress like this for my second wedding, or that having an expensive wedding is only for 1st weddings, etc. I feel guilty for wanting these things.

It's probably just disbelief in the fact that the man of my dreams asked me to marry him. I dunno, I guess I just needed to vent a little.
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Re: Feeling Like I'm Not Allowed....

  • geordieboysgirlgeordieboysgirl
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011

    Since I don't know you I'll just tell you one of the little lessons I learned along the way. One of the hardest things to do in life is forgive yourself. Whatever reason you have for feeling like you don't deserve a beautiful day, find a way to forgive yourself and move forward with a lighter, joyful heart.
    CCH

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  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I agree with the prior poster.

    We all make mistakes. Even though I've never been married, my fiance has been married TWICE. We are still having an elegant and formal wedding, white dress (even though I have 2 kids!), the whole enchilada. I don't feel the least bit guilty. The way I look at it, if I'd found my fiance earlier, both of us would have missed out on a lot of life lessons along the way. We may not have appreciated each other. 

    A wedding is a celebration of the love you have, and the life you are starting. Celebrate in any way YOU want to, regardless of what has happened before.

    Good luck. Come back & share during your planning, there are a lot of great ladies here.  
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  • pacificgalxpacificgalx
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My story is similar to yours. I didn't have a real wedding or marriage the first time. In the beginning, I was just planning to do destination with just me and fiance and immediate family. Now I've finally convinced myself that I am going to have the wedding I didn't have the first time, so we are going all out. This is his second also. We both have 5 kiddos together and I've incorporated them all in the ceremony.

    I am wearing the traditional wedding dress and I am going to beautiful on my day of celebration. Do not feel guilty about going all OUT on your second time around. Good luck!
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  • JenniferC2010JenniferC2010
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks ladies. I appreciate the support.
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  • jaimed99jaimed99 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    This is my third...yes, THIRD wedding...but I am not denying myself the wedding that I've wanted just because I had two bad marriages before...and you shouldn't deny yourself anything just because you've been married before! :)
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  • AdelphiTNAdelphiTN member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Think of it this way - research shows that when major life changes occur, it's easier to get through when there is a ceremonial passage from one stage to the next. Graduation, weddings, even funerals serve that purpose. Heck, my kids and I have a ceremonial cleaning out of the backpack at the end of the school year.

    So if you know a ceremony is in order... why shouldn't it be beautiful and meaningful? If i wanted to wear a white dress to the backpack dump, i would!!

    Forgive yourself for past mistakes and let this day of passage set the tone for the NEXT phase of your life.

     
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  • thealphabridethealphabride
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Jen,
    Please enjoy the wonderful wedding you've planned, you TOTALLY DESERVE IT!!!
    It's the first time your are marrying him.

    Adelphi, I love the backpack story, and that ceremonies help us pass from one stage of life to another.
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  • crysnewcrysnew member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm going through something similar.  Who does the whole nine yards when your kids are your attendants?  But this is his first wedding.  And if you plan on spending the rest of your lives together, what better way to start it than with a big send off, one that you both want.
    (One little adjustment on our parts.  I've been there, done that.  Since he hasn't he should have the wedding he wants. I've already started on him.   He doesn't want what he says he wants.  He doesn't want a small wedding of 300 guests and he doesn't want the white tie and tails because he wants the girls to wear short dresses during a day ceremony.)
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  • JenniferLuvsCandyJenniferLuvsCandy
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Of course you are allowed!  "We" say soTongue out Just kidding.  You go for it and remember to enjoy the experience.
    "I reject your reality and substitute my own." "Who doesn't LOVE candy?" Image and video hosting by TinyPic Lilypie First Birthday tickers
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  • trishandbradtrishandbrad member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011

    I was married right before I turned 19 and divorced before I turned 23. I rushed the first time and got married for all the wrong reasons.  I felt that I messed up so much the first time that I didnt deserve that perfect wedding the second time around, however I dont  feel that way anymore. My boyfriend, we aren't engaged yet- he says we're pre-engaged, hasn't been married before. However the wedding I hope we have together, the big fantastic wedding I want, is for me as much as it is for him. So have fun and relaize you DO deserve the wedding of your dreams!!!


    -Trish

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  • spajespaje
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I felt the same way at times, and sometimes still do.  Overall, it's about you and him.  Why not have something to celebrate the newest bestest thing (yes I know bestest isn't a real word...).   I'm in the same situation, his first, my second.  I don't want him nor I to regret not having the wedding we always wanted years later (the way I did with the first.)  So, for us, it's about 2nd chances, and doing it right this time (okay, right in our eyes).  THANK GOD FOR SECOND CHANCES.  Cool
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  • daynalyntroydaynalyntroy
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You deserve a beautiful day that reflects the special and lifelong commitment you are making to the man of your dreams, regardless of the past.
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  • SoulMistressSoulMistress member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I totally agree with all the other women here.
    The wedding is simply the ceremonial marker or the MARRIAGE you're about to have. That, in and of itself, is something for you both to celebrate with the people you love most. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate in a big way if that's how you want to mark the occasion! Anyone who frowns on celebrating two people who love eachother deeply really doesn't deserve to be there, anyway.

    Congratulations!! Have the wedding of your dreams!
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  • KrayssyKrayssy member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I love this place. I have been feeling this way. I've been married more than once & have felt I didn't deserve the shindig & dress. It's not going to be exceptionally formal, but more than my others. They are all right girl....WE DESERVE A NEW BEGINNING...however we chose to have it. Thank You ALL>
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  • CandyGirlSparksCandyGirlSparks member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011

    When I got married the first time, I cut a lot of corners, because I felt like my father would absolutely balk if I didn't. My sister got married a couple of years later and spent twice as much. Daddy never really even blinked. My mother says this was because he had had to come to terms with it with me, so he was ok with whatever SHE wanted. I don't quite believe this, because I never really tested the waters. I just assumed. So for next 15 years I felt like I had cheated myself, and that I didn't really have the wedding I wanted. Cause I HADN'T. I swore to myself that if there was a second time, I would have what I wanted, within reason. My day will be what I want this time. I refuse to feel cheated again.

    Please let go of these feelings of unworthiness, you have EVERY right to have a beautiful day the way YOU-and him-want it. Just because it's the second time doesn't mean it's not as special...if anything, it's more so.

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  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I love this place. I have been feeling this way. I've been married more than once & have felt I didn't deserve the shindig & dress. It's not going to be exceptionally formal, but more than my others. They are all right girl....WE DESERVE A NEW BEGINNING...however we chose to have it. Thank You ALL>  Krayssy

    All I can say is ditto!!  I have read a lot of really positive posts about wearing a wedding gown and the style, to this post.  Ladies you are all very beautiful and it shows through your support of those you have not met other than through this site. 

    I'm not engaged yet, there have been hints it will happen on our "anniversary" this year, we are planning a wedding for our anniversary next year!  And I too have had my doubts about the lovely affair we are planning.  SO THANK YOU!!!

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