Kicked out of the party

FutureMrsBoucher · December 2011

Dear friend got engaged several months ago. She immediately asked me to be a bride's maid, which I very happily accepted. I was going to be the one to go with her to help her try on dresses, check out venues, plan, organize... like a good friend/BM should. A few things have been frustrating, like the fact that they are "secretly" engaged (still call each other bf and gf to pretty much everyone) and their date is pretty much set but not 100% yet. I've been asked to photograph 2 weddings that day, for weddings that ARE set in stone, and I've had to turn them down because I promised to be in the wedding.

She texts me this morning and asks if I would be willing to switch to wedding coordinator, doing everything I was already planning on doing, plus making sure everything runs smoothly at the ceremony. Her fiance has put his foot down and is only allowing her 3 BM, because he only has 3 GM. And thusly, I was kicked out of the wedding party.
1) Am I justified in feeling a bit hurt? (this is where the comforting or face slapping come in) I know it was not an easy decision for her, because she only had 4 of us, and has unsuccessfully tried to change his mind before telling me this. I felt more hurt when she just asked me to step down, and less hurt when she explained the situation.
2) Would it be wrong to WANT to contact the client I previously turned down and tell her I can do it, since I'm no longer IN the wedding?
3) Would it be wrong for me to help my friend with her wedding as she's now asking me to, and then photograph the other friend's wedding? (Here's where the face slapping definitely comes in)

Simply Fated · December 2011

1) Am I justified in feeling a bit hurt? (this is where the comforting or face slapping come in) I know it was not an easy decision for her, because she only had 4 of us, and has unsuccessfully tried to change his mind before telling me this. I felt more hurt when she just asked me to step down, and less hurt when she explained the situation.
Yes, you are justified. Her fiance is a jerk and she's apparantly okay with that, which doesn't say much for her.

2) Would it be wrong to WANT to contact the client I previously turned down and tell her I can do it, since I'm no longer IN the wedding?
No, I don't think it would be wrong. They were at least willing to pay you for your services. She's treating you like her personal wedding co-ordinator as if that's an honor.

3) Would it be wrong for me to help my friend with her wedding as she's now asking me to, and then photograph the other friend's wedding? (Here's where the face slapping definitely comes in)
You don't owe her anything and if you want to work other weddings, even if it's for other friends, you should regarldess whether or not you do this one.

Out of curiousity, why is their engagement a secret?

MairePoppy · December 2011

1. You are justified in feeling hurt. Your friend is rude and her fi is a jerk.

2. You should contact the client that you turned down. Your 'friend' hasn't even set a date for her wedding, yet. I don't think I would even want to attend her wedding at this point.

3. Asking a bm to step down is very rude. Asking the friend that you just asked to step down to be your free wedding coordinator is beyond rude. Suit yourself, but why would you even want to do free labor for her. If she needs help planning, her jerky fi should help her.

Sorry, no slap in the face for you. But a splash of cold water to get your attention: your friend is using you. You deserve better treatment than that.

edited for clarification

FutureMrsBoucher · December 2011

To answer your question, I honestly don't know. She says it's because they don't want people to make a big fuss. I think it has more to do with exes that they both have.

It's kinda funny, because she wears his great grandmother's ring on her left ring finger, and people have commented on pictures on FB, asking if it's "the" ring. She tells them, "Not yet." Whatever that means.

I guess I'm trying to get someone to make up my mind for me. I'm a really nice person and like to make people happy, and feel like I would regret it if I missed her wedding. But then again, she told me today that nothing is set in stone, which means they still may not be getting married that day. *shrug*

RaptorSLH · December 2011

If she isn't ready to admit to the public that she's engaged, you can hardly be expected to turn down paid work because she might be getting married that day. You wouldn't have to do it if you were a guest, and you certainly don't have to do it just because she wants you to do a few thousand dollars worth of work (based on what coordinators charge around here) for free.

Simply Fated · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_kicked-out-of-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:96e49762-e986-4741-94c3-35df3be5862dPost:d65bc6ba-a351-496d-9f03-9669831274a4">Re: Kicked out of the party</a>:
[QUOTE]To answer your question, I honestly don't know. She says it's because they don't want people to make a big fuss. I think it has more to do with exes that they both have. It's kinda funny, because she wears his great grandmother's ring on her left ring finger, and people have commented on pictures on FB, asking if it's "the" ring. She tells them, "Not yet." Whatever that means. I guess I'm trying to get someone to make up my mind for me. I'm a really nice person and like to make people happy, and feel like I would regret it if I missed her wedding. But then again, she told me today that nothing is set in stone, which means they still may not be getting married that day. *shrug*
Posted by FutureMrsBoucher[/QUOTE]
I think you should still attend her wedding, IF your calendar is clear. But you should attend as a guest and not as the wedding planner.

RaptorSLH · December 2011

That sounds fine. If she complains that it *is* an honor, feel free to tell her that no, wedding coordinator is a job, just like caterer and photographer. Also, if she guilts you about missing the wedding, point out that you can't schedule off of work when she hasn't committed to a date yet. Once she has committed - 100%, with a venue contract - you can look at your work availability, but not before.

Sometimes, it's a close friend's (or a sister's) job to tell us when we've gone off the deep end. I'm more inclined than most to be lenient with the "kicking out" aspect: brides get lost in the planning, don't think about how big an insult this is. It's not right, but it happens. But expecting you to turn down clients when she has not committed to a date, or even publicly committed to her engagement, is loony tunes, as is expecting thousands of dollars worth of free labor to be an "honor."

Unless, of course, you want to do it, in which case, let her know it's a wedding gift. One exceptionally generous wedding gift, if you ask me.

FutureMrsBoucher · December 2011

[QUOTE]You're hurt feelings are understandable and justified. What she did sucks. Since her wedding date isn't set in stone and you are just her indentured servant, don't feel bad about contacting a client for a set in stone gig. Don't be her indentured servant. If I couldn't get a client, I would go. If I got booking, I'd skip her wedding without the slightest bit of remorse.
Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm very much leaning toward calling the client back. However, I am struggling with the wording to this girl. She says she considers me her "big sister" and "the only one she trusts" since her mom is 4 hours away (quotes from her). I really think in her mind it is a kind of honor. I already asked her before I turned down the client how serious she was about the date, and told her why I was asking. She said she was pretty set on the date, but that's still not 100%. </div><div>
</div><div>"Dear friend, I originally turned down a client under the impression I was to be in your wedding. Now that I no longer have that honor, I have decided to accept the photography job."</div><div>
</div><div>Is that too harsh? </div>

kmmssg · December 2011

Nope, that is incredibly gracious considering how she has treated you. I do think it might be wise to be that good friend who tells her she is going down the wrong road here in how she is planning and that people HIRE AND PAY coordinators, it is no honor. She is going to continue this until someone shows her that she is way out in left field. I would in no way jeopardize my income and reputation for a flaky friend - be firm.

Simply Fated · December 2011

I don't think it's too harsh, either.

If she tries to tell you it's an honor, let her know that you were honored to be a bridesmaid, but not honored to do this.

If all else fails, send her to us and we'll (niceley) explain it to her why a friend is a friend and kicking people out of your bridal party because your fiance wants even numbers is really low.

banana468 · December 2011

I'd say, "Sure I'll be your coordinator but I need to let you know that my rate is X."

If she thinks you were going to do that for free, just say, "Oh honey I love you but that's a paid position."

graysquirrel · December 2011

1) Am I justified in feeling a bit hurt?
   Heck yeah you are justified in being hurt! What a b1tch move! Kicking anyone out of a WP is essentially friendship ending. If it were me I'd be completely crushed and livid. She is pretty much saying that you don't make the friend cut and that even sides are more important than friendship.

2) Would it be wrong to WANT to contact the client I previously turned down and tell her I can do it, since I'm no longer IN the wedding?
    No, not wrong at all! Do what you need to do in order to keep your business strong.

3) Would it be wrong for me to help my friend with her wedding as she's now asking me to, and then photograph the other friend's wedding? (Here's where the face slapping definitely comes in)
    I would say no. She just kicked you out of her WP and now wants you to be her unpaid servant for the day. That is bogus! If she can do without you as a BM, she should lose all of your support and hard work, too. I think that the response you posted a few up would be perfect. She has to know that friends dont treat each other like that. If it were me, I would decline any further wedding invitations from her and do what you need to do as a photographer. Good luck!

FutureMrsBoucher · December 2011

Well, it looks like I'll be going as a guest, because I lost both job opportunities. They both got other photographers. *rips out hair*

Simply Fated · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_kicked-out-of-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:96e49762-e986-4741-94c3-35df3be5862dPost:cfb11ddc-0a84-4ef0-9c5c-8dd3b33b4711">Re: Kicked out of the party</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, it looks like I'll be going as a guest, because I lost both job opportunities. They both got other photographers. *rips out hair*
Posted by FutureMrsBoucher[/QUOTE]
Maybe another job oppurtunity will come along. I'm so sorry.

Karenofcourse · December 2011

First of all, you were kicked out and asked to do a ton of work of free. I wouldn't allow that. To kick you out is wrong and even more wrong to expect you to do more work for free.

Secondly, it is not wrong to contact client you had turned down. Economy is not great and you are self employed. You were turning down other wedding b/c you were going to be in one. They kicked you out so the obligation is no longer there.

Thirdly, it is extremely important to keep your business and personal life TOTALLY SEPERATE. Doing business with friends ends on a bad note the vast majority of the time. I have a feeling if you say you will be WC, you will then asked to be photographer in the future when $$ becomes tight (and it almost always does) and it will not end well, especially since they do not care about you as a friend.

jemmini6 · December 2011

Your "friend" pulled a MAJOR bitch move, so there is absolutely no way I'd be making any special efforts for her. I'd still attend her wedding (but probably not get them a gift, if she was willing to ruin your friendship over even numbers, then I would never spend any money on her), but do nothing else. If she mentions again being her wedding coordinator, I'd let her know that that's a JOB, not and honor, and if she wants you to do that for her that you charge $X.

I'm sorry you lost both job opportunities, hopefully another one will come up and you won't even have to attend this horrible wedding.

kaitlyn&henry · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_kicked-out-of-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:96e49762-e986-4741-94c3-35df3be5862dPost:24c3e50b-d4ce-495c-b9ba-23d261e4025b">Re: Kicked out of the party</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm very much leaning toward calling the client back. However, I am struggling with the wording to this girl. <strong>She says she considers me her "big sister" and "the only one she trusts" since her mom is 4 hours away (quotes from her)</strong>. I really think in her mind it is a kind of honor. I already asked her before I turned down the client how serious she was about the date, and told her why I was asking. She said she was pretty set on the date, but that's still not 100%. "Dear friend, I originally turned down a client under the impression I was to be in your wedding. Now that I no longer have that honor, I have decided to accept the photography job." Is that too harsh?
Posted by FutureMrsBoucher[/QUOTE]
if i truly felt this way about someone..i wouldnt ask them to coordinate my wedding without pay and pretending its an honor. Its a b.s. way to try to make you feel still included (more like a slave). Your friend hiding her engagement is an entire seperate can of worms...but her FI demanding her cut a BM is just ludicrous. He has no right for her to choose who is and isnt on her side. It is extremely rude of her to actually do it...and honeslty id be having a long serious talk with her about how she truely feels about your friendship

Maggie0829 · December 2011

I would be so immensly pissed. I wouldn't be her wedding coordinator and I wouldn't go to her wedding. She is being a horrible friend to you and treating you like an unpaid servant. I really wouldn't waste my time planning her wedding for her for free, especially after she so nicely kicked you out of her wedding.

As for them hiding their engagement, etc is just weird and her FI "putting his foot down" about the number of BMs is just the beginning of how their relationship is going to implode.

FutureMrsBoucher · December 2011

Thanks, ladies. I feel much better about my decision to tell her no. It looks like I may still have a job that day after all, too! So that's even better. After I told her no (on Saturday), she tweeted, "now i just feel like a terrible and selfish person." but she hasn't responded directly to me since. If you can believe this, while we were having the conversation of kicking me out of her WP, she sent me an email with an option for a BM dress. *facepalm* At least it's over now.

*edit*

Oh, I forgot. The day after she kicked me out, they announced their engagement on Facebook. WTF.

Simply Fated · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_kicked-out-of-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:96e49762-e986-4741-94c3-35df3be5862dPost:36f88c42-0343-403b-ba1d-0631c53380a5">Re: Kicked out of the party</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks, ladies. I feel much better about my decision to tell her no. It looks like I may still have a job that day after all, too! So that's even better. After I told her no (on Saturday), she tweeted, " now i just feel like a terrible and selfish person." but she hasn't responded directly to me since. If you can believe this, while we were having the conversation of kicking me out of her WP, she sent me an email with an option for a BM dress. *facepalm* At least it's over now. *edit* Oh, I forgot. The day after she kicked me out, they announced their engagement on Facebook. WTF.
Posted by FutureMrsBoucher[/QUOTE]

I'm really sorry your friend pulled this crap. Her fiance is a complete tool and she seems to be totally okay with supporting his douchebaggery. They were meant for each other. You're meant for better things, for sure.

Bett2012 · December 2011

I'm sorry.... she TEXTED you to ask you to "switch" to coordinator?

Don't let this girl's wedding take over your business (especially since it's not set in stone yet) or cause you to take on a new job without pay (coordinator).

Best luck!

lilyly · December 2011

I would be angry as well.

Your initial arrangement was to be Bridesmaid. She has changed that, so you can change your position on the arrangement as well.

Keep in mind, she may not take it lightly, or guilt trip you, or maybe end the friendship.

You have to decide if you can handle that or willing to go that route.

mollyehren · December 2011

I would be hurt and angry, and more than likely tell her what I charge for day of coordinator services. If you are "the help" like a caterer is then you should be paid too.

susanjd9 · December 2011

sounds like this wedding won't even happen if it is a secret and her fiance is a jerk.

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